T413
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Everything posted by T413
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Day 18 Thanks for the word of encouragement dont_know_what_2_say. That was exactly what I needed.
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Day 17 I've lost him and he's never coming back.
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Day 11 I'm struggling today. People keep telling me what my ex is up to and who he is with. I don't want to know. It just makes it harder.
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Day 8 I've had a great weekend with my family but my ex has been in my thoughts constantly. I wonder if this will ever fade. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting my life back on track and other times I wonder how the world can keep turning when I feel such utter misery. I keep reminiscing about what we doing together this time last year. I know he doesn't miss me and I know he doesn't want me but Day 8 does feel good.
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Day 4 I have images in my head of the last time I saw him (yes - just four days ago) when he was flirting with what I think will be his next girlfriend. I can see the way he touched her tenderly. That used to be me.
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Day 3 I'm feeling a little apprehensive about whether this will work but I think I have to trust myself more. Fortunately, I have some good friends around me who are helping me. The pain that I used to feel is not as strong as it once was. Time is a healer.
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So I saw him yesterday. Day 1....again.
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I finished a month of NC in June but our social lives are very intertwined so I've seen him at least once a week since then. However, I've decided to try NC again even if it means giving up some aspects of my social life that I know I'll miss. So... Day 3 Feeling positive because I know I'm doing this for me and not for reconciliation. Feeling good because I know I won't be hurt by him (although he doesn't know he's hurting me) if I don't see him. Felling hopeful that I can get him out my system once and for all. Feeling relieved because I'm going to pull out of an event I was going to at the weekend and, although it means I'll be at home when most of my friends are out enjoying themselves, at least I won't have a fretful week wondering if he'll even acknowledge my existence.
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I was finding it incredibly hard and was still devastated even though I'm seven months into my break up. I went to my GP about ten days ago. I was rather cynical about the whole thing but it has helped. I'd advise you go.
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Keep going zakky. You're doing well. NC is not easy but you're doing it so be proud of yourself.
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Sorry to hear you news wcl. I wish you luck.
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Just after I posted last night, my ex contacted me and asked if I’d received his email about skiing. I felt bad about not replying so I text back, trying to keep it upbeat, and told him that I couldn’t make the dates. He did text me this morning to say if the dates changed, he’d let me know. So was I being paranoid about the whole thing or was he just being polite? It doesn’t matter. I haven’t managed 30 days of NC but I did manage four weeks. I do feel a little better than when I started NC. I won’t go as far as saying life is worth living but it feels like it might be again one day. I certainly didn’t feel like that four weeks ago. My heart is still broken but I now know that, given time, it will mend. I am not going to initiate contact but I can’t promise that I will stick to NC completely. Given our intertwined social lives, I know that within the next two to four weeks, I will cross paths with my ex at some point. I plan to keep our encounters brief and I won’t initiate conversation 'just so there’s no bad feeling between us'. It makes me look as though I’m chasing him and I’m not...not anymore. If he wants a conversation, he can come to me. My advice to anyone just starting NC is be as strict as you can. I started to feel much, much better when I stopped myself logging on to Facebook. Also, be proud of your own achievements. You can do this..you're worth it!
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Day 28 of NC I don’t feel ill today which is good but I did start the day feeling low after the skiing email I received from my ex, which I still haven’t responded to, thus maintaining NC. I had longed for him to contact me but now that he has, I feel even worse. By deliberately choosing dates I can’t attend, it feels like rejection all over again. Maybe I’m over analysing things (again). I shall be careful what I wish for! I did go out with some friends this evening and had some fun. I had to go on Facebook when I returned home (I had to post some updates about my club) but kept it very, very brief and managed not to see anything that might upset me. The day has ended on a relative high.
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Day 27 of NC I have felt poorly all day today so haven’t done much except stay in bed. I did receive an email from my ex. It was sent to a group of us who usually go on a winter skiing trip. He has asked us if we are interested in going this winter too. Unfortunately, he has chosen dates that he knows I won’t be able to go. I guess that says it all really. He doesn’t want me there so has purposely chosen these dates. Why did I think that it would be any different? I know he’s not interested in me so why does it upset me so much? It all hurts so very much.
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Day 26 of NC I feel so low today, almost as if I were at Day 1. I think it’s because I don’t feel very well so I am full of self pity. I have been thinking about my ex constantly. I thought I was doing well and that I had perhaps started to heal but some of my things that crossed my mind today involved my ex have a new girl and the pain is still there in my heart so I know I have a long way to go yet. I wish he’d get in contact. I wish I knew whether he thinks about me or not.
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Day 25 of NC I have tried to keep myself busy today but my ex has been on my mind constantly. Gradually, my thoughts have turned into resentment probably because he has chosen not to be with me and it makes me bitter. I hope I can sleep this feeling off and that tomorrow is better.
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Day 24 of NC Today was bitter sweet. I watched the Royal Wedding and really enjoyed it but I did keep wishing the love between me and my ex was as deep and as powerful rather than just being one sided. It’s just jealously I suppose. I was working for most of the day which was good because it kept me busy and meant I couldn’t dwell on the romance of the day too much. I've been out for an enjoyable afternoon and evening with family and friends too and that has kept me upbeat. All in all, not a bad day.
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Day 23 of NC I’m still reading the ‘Nonchalance is Your Friend’ post and it’s making me feel better...as though I do have a future that I can look forward to. There is light at the end of that tunnel now. I feel like a weight has literally been lifted from my shoulders and I hope this feeling stays with me. I still find myself getting down but when I get these negative thoughts, I’m consciously trying to tell myself ‘I don’t care’. It’s early days but it does seem to be working for me. I have stayed away from Facebook too. I am not actually a FB friend with my ex but I have a habit of reading his friend’s walls and then trying to work out what he might be doing and where he might be going based on their activity. It’s very unhealthy and I REALLLY don’t want to be a FB stalker so I’m quite proud of myself for not logging on. When I joined FB about five weeks ago, I invited everyone I knew to be my friend including my ex (that was before NC). He didn’t accept the request UNTIL TONIGHT (I got an email notification). Darn it! Why did he do that and why now? Nonchalance tells me ‘I don’t care’ and I don’t. I know this is a ‘Getting Back Together’ forum. I don’t think I will ever get back together with my ex. I still want to but I am so, so sure he’s not interested. I am still going to continue with NC though so I hope you don’t mind me posting here. Welcome to the forum Jodi and Wootis. I know it’s hard (harder than hard). Keep posting. Stick with NC and concentrate on you.
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Day 22 of NC I read the ‘Nonchalance is Your Friend’ post before I went to sleep last night. I woke up feeling really positive and the feeling has stayed with me for most of the day. If I felt myself getting down, I just kept telling myself ‘I don’t care’. It seems to have worked so far so I’m going to try it tomorrow too. I have also managed to stay off Facebook for the whole day too! I feel better for it but I’m not sure I have the self discipline to stay away altogether – I’ll try, I promise!
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Day 21 of NC So three weeks. I didn’t think I could make it this far. I’m not really sure I have ‘made it’. I have just survived and the days seems to have passed on their own. I don’t feel any better for having completed three weeks of NC and I don’t think I’ll feel better at 30 days or even 60 days. I can’t see this pain ever leaving me. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, just blackness. NC is supposed to give you time to heal; to analyse where you made mistakes in your relationship and to then go through self improvement based on those mistakes. I have major insecurities so I have been trying to tell myself today that I am worthy of love even if it won’t be from the very person who I desire it from. I am worthy.
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I woke up with a sense of relief today. I think it’s because I know the long weekend is over and I can get back to some normality and routine. I have been thinking all day about the times since we broke up that my ex has demonstrated he doesn’t want to be with me. It’s easy to kid yourself that a glance or a passing comment are clear signs that he wants to get back together. I was only fooling myself and making a fool of myself at the same time too. I still dream (constantly) about getting back together but I am slowly accepting that it’s not going to happen. He’s probably whispering sweet nothings into someone else’s ear. He won’t contact me. He doesn’t want to be with me. There. I’ve said it...but I still wish it weren’t true.
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Day 19 of NC Definitely felt better than yesterday although I still didn’t have much to occupy my time. When I was younger, I watched my Mum go through a nasty divorce and I watch her husband (my father, if I must) use her and treat her badly. I decided then at a young age, I didn’t want to be in love because it left you exposed and vulnerable. I have followed this ethos throughout my life. That was until I met my ex. He was romantic and loving, something I’ve never experienced before. I literally did let myself ‘fall’ in love with him. It’s because I lost control of my emotions that I’m feeling so extremely sad now. Love might be the most wonderful thing and earth but it really, REALLY hurts when you lose it. I have to try and regain some control again. Being able to control my emotions is what is going to get me through this.
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I felt so sad today. I know it’s because I have time on my hands to think. It hurts so much that my ex is out there having fun and I’m not with him. I wish I featured in his thoughts just a fraction of how much he’s in mine. I wish he’d contact me.
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Day 17 of NC Slept well again which is good news. I felt sad again for most of the day today. I’m not usually so negative. I need something that will start me living again, something to bring back the old me. I don’t know what that something is. He is in my thoughts so often. Hopefully, they will fade with time.
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I slept well last night which is the first time this week. My mutual friend and my ex did not turn up at my class. I do feel relieved but I also feel like I’m the subject of NC rather than leading it. I don’t feel in control at all. I’m still incredibly sad and lonely.