Should cheating be accepted

[tikkii]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but just looking for some feedback. I already posted my tale of woe a few weeks ago about why and how I left my boyfriend.

The boyfriend prior to him I also left a few years ago due to him cheating on me.

Anyway, I got an email from my latest ex. It was a big long email about us and a lot about me. We'd been together 2.5 years (2 long distance, 6 months living together). He still wants me back etc but I don't want to go back with him,

 

In his email he states that I have a very idealistic view of relationships and as long as I'm not willing to forgive people for their 'mistakes' I'm never going to find true happiness. He states that nowadays people stray, it's a fact of life and I may as well be on my own forever if I think I'll ever meet somebody who won't stray in some shape or form. He says that at my age (34) I'm unlikely to have a 'fairy tale ending' and that I need to face facts and accept reality.

 

This has made me so sad and raises the question I guess that am I unreasonable to expect somebody to 'respect' me and show regard for me. Am I too rash to have just walked when I discovered he'd spent all that money in a strip club and texted a stripper asking to meet her again (off duty). Do people forgive and get on with life as a couple again? It's not what I was raised to accept.

[Batya33]

I've been in several serious relationships in the last 15 years and there was no cheating and in almost all cases I completely trusted the person not to cheat and he trusted me. Times haven't changed - people who value loyalty and commitment don't cheat. If they want to be with someone else, they end the current relationship first.

[DN]

Cheating can be forgiven depending on the circumstances but it is never acceptable and it is entirely up to the person cheated upon as to whether to forgive or not. If they choose not to then usually they should not be blamed in anyway.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Hey, I feel just the same as you do: I just have not grown up believing that cheating is ok.

And I hope I never do accept it. Or ok better yet that it never happens in the first place of course.

 

I feel your ex just wrote that stuff to justify his behaviour and make it seem like he did something acceptable and that it wasn't wrong.

Who says that just b/c you're 34 you won't find a fairytale ending. How rude lol. I know of several people that age that found love. Don't worry with this dud and what he wrote in that email. He's an EX for a reason.

 

Stick to your guns and don't accept a cheater as a bf. (As a husband who cheats.. Like DN said there are SOME (very few) circumstances which could be accepted... very very few...

[Censored]

Hi Tikki,

 

Based on some of the information oyu have supplied from this "email" it really sounds as though he is trying to manipulate you.

 

I am sorry, but telling you that you are idealistic and at 34 need to accept these things and face reality is incredibly disrespectful. Who the hell does he think he is?

 

Anyway, you have every right to be respected and have a loyal and loving partner. This person does not sound like that at all.

He is obviously trying to play on your insecurities and self doubt.

Stay strong here tikii, you are right, and your beliefs are right. Do not let him try to convince you otherwise. He is coming accross as a pig.

[orangesoda]

Fine, I'll say it.

 

Your ex is a f'in moron.

 

Delete that email. Nobody should be forced to read such garbage.

[itsallgrand]

The way he spoke to you in that email is mean, in my opinion.

 

Not everyone in this world "strays" or believes it is a "fact of life", as though human beings had no control over it or not.

 

It's rationalizing his own actions, and what he was talking about had everything to do with him - nothing, not a reflection of you nor the potential your life holds.

 

There are still people out there who believe in commitment, and fidelity, and respect.

 

Unfortunately, this man isn't one of them.

 

Should cheating be accepted? That's for each one of us to decide within ourselves, and to live with the consequences of doing so.

 

I believe in following what your own values deep inside tell you - not what someone else says we "should do" . Always question when someone tries to change your mind about a core value you hold dear. Make up your own mind.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sometimes things can work out after a person has cheated if that person feels real remorse for his/her actions, understands that they really really messed up and are willing to do the work to ensure that the other person can trust them again.

 

Your ex clearly feels no remorse, clearly feels justified in cheating and is absolving himself of blame by trying to twist this around as if you are the bad one for being such a "stickler for protocol". He has a lot of nerve making those remarks to you...that is the sign of a man who is not worthy of forgiveness because it sounds like he would cheat again without remorse.

[lilypadgirl]

I completely agree with DN in that in some cases cheating can be forgiven and it's up to the person cheated upon and they should not be blamed for leaving if they choose to.

 

Personally, my default is that I cannot be with someone who has cheated on me. If I choose to forgive him it would be because we are working on fixing the problems that led to his cheating. I would not forgive someone for cheating just because "nowadays people stray" and especially not if he did the initiating. I believe loving people in healthy relationships do not cheat.

 

In my opinion, his words sound manipulative. I feel like he's using your idealism and age against you and blaming you instead of him apologizing and talking about possible issues in the relationship that you both could work on.

[RayKay]

Ugh, what a donkey's butt!

 

That email just shows not only is he a cheater, but he is selfish, manipulative and has no intention of changing because he is self-absorbed into not seeing how his actions ARE controllable or how they hurt you.

 

I was cheated on once in high school with a boyfriend back then. I dumped him immediately. He was sorry, but I did not take him back. To me that is one of those fundamental values. I have never been cheated on since in any of my relationships (and a couple of them have been years long).

 

I agree relationships aren't fairy tales and they can be tough - but being tough does not mean that you need to settle for less than full commitment, respect & honesty.

 

I would tell him I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then with someone who had those kind of values and delete him from my email (and my mind) forever!

[pink1607307777]

delete the email! don't reply!

 

*get a new email address* so that he can't send you this manipulative crap

[tikkii]

Fine, I'll say it.

 

Your ex is a f'in moron.

 

Delete that email. Nobody should be forced to read such garbage.

 

I think this is my favourite reply.. and I recall that's exactly what I called him before driving to the ferry and coming home!

[BellaDonna]

In his email he states that I have a very idealistic view of relationships and as long as I'm not willing to forgive people for their 'mistakes' I'm never going to find true happiness. He states that nowadays people stray, it's a fact of life and I may as well be on my own forever if I think I'll ever meet somebody who won't stray in some shape or form. He says that at my age (34) I'm unlikely to have a 'fairy tale ending' and that I need to face facts and accept reality.

 

This is a twisted and jaded view of the world, and relationships. He's just trying to justifly his mistakes. He does not even sound remorseful.

 

Sure, in a long term relationship you have to be willing to forgive and accept people for their flaws..... but cheating is a whole other story.That goes beyond an average "mistake". It's a consious act that destroys the trust in a relationship, is emotionally unhealthy and even physically unhealthy (it puts an unsuspecting partner at risk to contract an STD).

 

All relationships might not be a fairy tale, but there sure are a lot of them that are not a horror story like the one he starred in (i.e. cheating on you and then popping up and e-mailing something as ridiculous as that to you)

 

Put his address in your junk mail filter.

[pink1607307777]

cheating is an abuse of the relationship and of you

 

it isn't acceptable to hurt people on purpose...it's sick and twisted!

[Nixee]

Oh jeez...

 

Yes... cheating or straying CAN be forgiven in certain circumstances. But to go on to say that one MUST just accept that such things will happen.. that it is just part of life... well that is practically admitting that he would do it again! He might as well say, "not only should you forgive me, but you should accept that what I did is natural and I don't really need to be sorry." That is pretty ridiculous, and yes... you can certainly do better... don't let him tell you otherwise.

 

A good friend of mine is actually a little older than you... 37. And she has recently fallen in love for the first time and is on cloud nine. Her first stable healthy relationship after being with cheaters and losers for most of her life. Don't listen to your ex.

[pink1607307777]

well that is practically admitting that he would do it again!

 

that is such a good observation

 

he sounds twisted...and it's scary that he doesn't feel bad

[Enigmatika]

I have a very idealistic view of relationships and as long as I'm not willing to forgive people for their 'mistakes' I'm never going to find true happiness. He states that nowadays people stray, it's a fact of life and I may as well be on my own forever if I think I'll ever meet somebody who won't stray in some shape or form. He says that at my age (34) I'm unlikely to have a 'fairy tale ending' and that I need to face facts and accept reality.

 

I hope "Reality" will be his butt smacking into the curb of Life.

[Hope75]

I agree with those who said that his view is very jaded and allows him not to take any responsibility for his actions. It's utter nonsense.

 

In some situations cheating can be forgiven. In my experience those situations are when the person who cheats realizes their mistake, stops the affair, admits to it, apologizes and shows true remorse and effort to work on the relationship and remain faithful. Even then there has to be an active choice on the part of the victim to forgive and work past it with the one who cheated. It's not easy and it doesn't often work.

 

Cheating is not a fact of life and is not something you should expect in any long term relationship. I have been with my fiance for 5.5 years and I have never cheated on him, nor he on me. In the past I have had a few other long term relationships (2 years, 5 years) and I never cheated on them. I was cheated on twice- once in high school and once in my 5 year relationship that ended 9 years ago. I did not accept that behavior. Cheating is not involuntary- it is a conscious choice. At some point in our lives we all feel temptation. It's our choice to give in to it or not.

 

I hope you dismiss this ex for what he is, a fool who doesn't deserve a minute more of your time or emotion.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

What a load of horse manure this guy dumped on you!

 

I would laugh at this, and tell him if he really feels that way, then go find someone who wants to shovel manure the rest of her life...

 

He is taking no responsbility for his actions, and trying to browbeat you into accepting his bad behavior. What an ass... just walk away and consider yourself lucky you didn't marry him before you found this out.

[anggrace]

Amen sister!

[Illyria]

Hey there.

Just have to chime in on this as I am having the same doubts and feelings right now. Run down, 10 years with husband, cheated with at the minimum making out(he says but was alone both nights with no alibi) over a year ago and lied for the whole time about it, and has passive aggressive tendencies with game and porn addiction issues and strip clubs too which he lied about. Posts explain a little better.

 

Okay, so, my head is thinking the same thing. I am just about 30 but I have an 8 year old with autism and low vision that might be a life long life with me situation... I don't know for sure yet, but I will always have to be very nearby. Yeah, I know from a fact talking to older divorced friends it does get harder which really sucks! I don't think under 40 is bad though unless you have other issues dragging you down(like a special needs child : ) . Anyone that feels the trust hesitation may end up not being interested so I think working on healing ourselves as best possible first is really important. True love... I don't believe in it anymore or not with my whole heart like I did before marrying my husband. I too grew up believing that cheating was unacceptable. I told my husband the first week we dated I would leave if he ever did it. I also believed in honesty between a couple no matter what. HE has completely violated EVERYTHING we agreed to before marrying.

I think finding someone with the same values is hard as SO many people lie. Next time around I am going to premarital counseling to hope that I will be able to weed out if someone is lying as I was sure last time I found true love and he was the most honest man I had ever met.

WHAT A BLOODY IDIOT I was....

 

People are inately selfish. I think there are very few of us out there that genuinely care about others. I don't know how you find other people like us. I really don't. And it seems like the leeches find us so easy. They know we are forgiving and loving and they latch on and manipulate our love. What I do know is, just be really careful when you do pick as even the most wonderful seeming can be devils in disguise. I learned that the hard way.

8 years of hell.. Wish there was a dating service just for people like us. lol Of course, my husband told me while dating his last partner had cheated on him and he would never dream of doing that to anyone because he understood the pain.... I don't know. I really don't know if you can have true love, but you definitely don't need to be with someone that believes cheating is normal because a whole lot of people don't!

 

HE is manipulating you. Trust me, after 8 years of it, I know what it is like.

Yeah, it is hard to find that special someone, but it isn't impossible. Just focus on doing stuff you like to do and meet people that way hopefully.

And I agree with Crazyaboutdogs, if he isn't sorry, there is no chance. My husband has said he is sorry, but he doesn't act like it. I have struggled with this and trying to know if he is really sorry or not. I think being sorry must be seen in action as well as word the more I sit around and watch my husband still treat me like trash. My husband won't do anything to help me trust him again and it hurts so much. That is why I have to leave. Don't trust your X. He will do it again if he is making excuses like that. It is never right for someone to break their word and expect to be forgiven. Cut all ties and just consider yourself lucky you found out before you were married what kind of slime he was. You can find better! You are still young enough and you don't have kids. You can. Don't worry about that. I wish you the best.

 

Kat

 

Sometimes things can work out after a person has cheated if that person feels real remorse for his/her actions, understands that they really really messed up and are willing to do the work to ensure that the other person can trust them again.

 

Your ex clearly feels no remorse, clearly feels justified in cheating and is absolving himself of blame by trying to twist this around as if you are the bad one for being such a "stickler for protocol". He has a lot of nerve making those remarks to you...that is the sign of a man who is not worthy of forgiveness because it sounds like he would cheat again without remorse.

[TechResQ]

What a delusional psycho he is!!!

 

You stick to your guns girl! Don't give him the satisfaction of letting him even know you read that email!

 

Yes, people can forgive, but he has made it plain and clear that he will do this again. And that IS NOT part of the deal with forgiving a partner who has cheated in the past.

 

 

I feel sorry for the next girl he cheats on. The JERK

[recoveringintexas]

KEEP AWAY FROM HIM...count it as a blessing you found out about this now. I just found out my now husband had an affair while we were dating. I am now pregnant and he still works for the woman.

 

The real key here is why you? Why me? You have said that the last guy cheated on you as well. I have learned, through counseling, that certain people can attract or allow 'cheating types' into their lives. There is something called co-dependency, which some people have (i am one of them). Google it, it is hard to define and I don't relate to every single characteristic and I think there are varying degrees of it. For a lot of people, the problems occur when we fail to put up appropriate boundaries in our life. I have always broken up with guys in the past for the slightest infringement of my beliefs/morals (thought I had good boundaries), but with my husband, he hid it all so well, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

 

My suggestion, forget the exes, but go see a therapist/counselor just to talk through this and see if there is anything you can work on your inside self. What do you have to lose? You can only control yourself and your behavior. Don't settle for someone that does not respect you...you are a beautiful person and you deserve better!