pre-wedding depression

[Krystal_Ivy]

My apologies about having said you did not have an education Krystal, I see now that you have some schooling. For some reason I had mixed you up with someone who dropped out of their program.

 

Funny, it says in this thread you posted here 2 weeks ago that you didn't have a degree? Was it a certificate program or something?

 

 

 

And you also did post a thread 2 weeks ago about not being able to find a job:

 

 

 

These are of course separate issues from what you are posting about- but I wanted you to know where I got my 'facts' from.

I don't thinkyou have any "facts" because I work for an optometrists office. because guess what? it's actually possible for someone to not have a job at one point in their life and actually GET a job! and I didn't say I had a degree. Do I have to have a degree for some reason?

[Hope75]

I agree with your therapist that some anxiety is normal. However, the degree that you admitted to here:

 

 

 

 

 

and here:

This happens in every relationship I've been in. for liek the first 6 months to a year I have a sex drive, then after a year mark, it goes away

 

 

 

and here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and of course here:

 

 

 

 

 

Well. Krystal, that doesn't sound normal or healthy to me.

 

You posted here and asked for people's opinions. I understand that you may not like what you hear, but to accuse us of judging you when you came here (multiple times!) and asked for our advice, well, seems a bit ignorant.

[bulletproof]

he said it's just a problem of having alot of anxiety (since there are no real realtionship issues)

 

But I thought you said in your original post (and previous posts) that there were in fact relationship issues? That he is clingy and you feel like he loves you more than you love him?

 

You also asked in your original post if anyone had a similar experience to share. And a few people did just that- unfortunately, the outcome was that most of them didn't go through with the wedding. You have chosen to take the advice of the one person who did go thru with it, and who is now unhappy. Do you at least recognize that this is slightly illogical?

[Hope75]

I don't thinkyou have any "facts" because I work for an optometrists office. because guess what? it's actually possible for someone to not have a job at one point in their life and actually GET a job! and I didn't say I had a degree. Do I have to have a degree for some reason?

 

You posted that thread 2 weeks ago. How was I to know you had gotten a job in the last 2 weeks?

 

The reason I asked if you had a certificate is because you said you completed school- but in your above thread you stated here:

 

I'm getting married in two months and we both went to school but can't find work. We don't have degrees and can't go back to school now due to our lifestyle. Is there anyone in here that didn't go to college and neither did you signifigant other and you are making it financially? what jobs do you have?

 

Which is what made me ask about your schooling, since by your own words here two weeks ago you didn't go to college and can't go back?

[Hope75]

it's not rude. it's the truth. She doesn't need to not assume. and it is rude of her. and you to have such an attitude of judegment and "know it all". And no I don't always end up doing anything. I just don't listen to people that think they know everything when they don't.

 

Krystal, I think you are misunderstanding me. I am only going on what you yourself wrote in your posts.

 

 

Those are your words!

[Krystal_Ivy]

whatever. I'm not listening to the trigger happy people here who see any issue in a relationship and say "don't do it!" thats always the answer you guys give. and not just to me. I'd much rather listen to a professional who actually has seen 5 brides this month that feel the same and knows what he's talking about. the reason I do come and ask advice here is because I do care and listen to what SOME members say. Some I already know as soon as I see their name what their going to say so I don't even bother, but I do respect the opinions of some of you andtake in the advice. some I don't. And if you're one of the ones I don't listen to then maybe you shouldn't waste your time and respond.

[bulletproof]

But you never answered the question- you said the therapist said what you're feeling is normal if there aren't problems in the relationship, and there are problems, by your own admission. How is a qualified therapist going to help you if you aren't honest with him?

[Krystal_Ivy]

But I thought you said in your original post (and previous posts) that there were in fact relationship issues? That he is clingy and you feel like he loves you more than you love him?

 

You also asked in your original post if anyone had a similar experience to share. And a few people did just that- unfortunately, the outcome was that most of them didn't go through with the wedding. You have chosen to take the advice of the one person who did go thru with it, and who is now unhappy. Do you at least recognize that this is slightly illogical?

I mean REAL issues. like abuse,infidelity,incompatibility,different lifestyles/morals, EVERY relationship has some minor issues. and I'm not going to not marry someone just because he happens to be a more clingy than I am. we have no big problems. again with the "pshycic" ENA members....

[bulletproof]

I guess we differ on the definition of real issues then. Check out the divorce or long-term relationship/marriage forums here. There's always posts on there about people who ignored 'minor' problems going into their marriages, and now find themselves in a mess.

 

I think people are also concerned at the length of time you've dated/known one another. Usually at this early stage, both partners have a somewhat rosy view of each other.

[Hope75]

Krystal,

 

I'm going to step away from your thread because I can see I am not helping you and in fact am only upsetting you, and you clearly don't want to hear what I have to say.

 

As a last statement I want to say that there are many 'issues' that can affect a marriage/impending marriage, and they do not have to be cheating/abuse/incompatibility/differing morals, or really anything about the couple or the relationship per say. It can be as simple as one person having a gut feeling that something isn't right and behavior that follows based on that feeling.

 

Also, no one told you not to marry him.

 

Good luck with your wedding.

[Krystal_Ivy]

I guess we differ on the definition of real issues then. Check out the divorce or long-term relationship/marriage forums here. There's always posts on there about people who ignored 'minor' problems going into their marriages, and now find themselves in a mess.

 

I think people are also concerned at the length of time you've dated/known one another. Usually at this early stage, both partners have a somewhat rosy view of each other.

that's why I think we're lucky. people usually put their best foot forward and later you're like "who are you??" we are real with each other and know who each other are. I guess we do differ if you think clingy is a reason to divorce. Those people that have failed marriages over small things gave up too easily. Don't the vows say "for better or worse"? there are always going to be little things but thats no reason to divorce.

[bulletproof]

I don't remember saying clingy is a reason to divorce. What I was suggesting is that you research in those particular forums because a lot of those posters had some small doubts about seemingly minor issues that became very big problems five, ten, twenty years down the road.

 

I seriously doubt that people think they are divorcing over small things, nor do I think if you spoke to them they would agree that they gave up too easily.

 

I am bowing out of this thread also as you seem to want to convince everyone (or maybe it's just yourself?) that this is the right thing. All anyone here is saying is to give the relationship more time, maybe postpone. You don't have to cancel and break up with your bf, but why the rush? Anyway, good luck to you both and I hope it works out.

[RayKay]

Did I ever say that a healthy relationship should be absent of issues? Absolutely not. My boyfriend & I have had our own hurdles over the years together, as I would suspect any long term couple has. Despite your comments, most of us here have had experience in long term relationships, engagements and/or marriages.

 

No one said you had to break it off with the guy; just don't be so quick to dismiss those gut feelings as "jitters" without really taking a look at them and maybe slow things down first.

 

Did I ever say being too clingy a "reason" to divorce? No; but seeing these issues this early on is a reason to slow down and make sure this is not just the start of something much, much bigger than just being clingy - particularly this early on. Small things usually only start off as small things. If you can't work out these issues before marriage; you really should not be getting married yet.

 

The fact you are not interested in intimacy with him is MORE than just a "small issue"; it is certainly a sign that the clinginess, or other things, are bothering you far more than you are even admitting to yourself at this point.

 

I just do not see what is so judgmental about simply stating postponing (which is not same as cancelling) is a good idea; and taking the time to go to pre-marital counselling for example. If you really ARE that strong of a couple and "meant to be together" post-poning things does not change that.

Anyway, good luck. I too bow out of this conversation.

[sophie274]

So, what is your plan for getting over your anxiety? What tips did the counselor give you? It's all well to chalk it up to anxiety - but I would imagine you need to feel better about taking this big step before you walk down the aisle. How are you going to accomplish that?

[JadedStar]

whatever. I'm not listening to the trigger happy people here who see any issue in a relationship and say "don't do it!" thats always the answer you guys give. and not just to me. I'd much rather listen to a professional who actually has seen 5 brides this month that feel the same and knows what he's talking about. the reason I do come and ask advice here is because I do care and listen to what SOME members say. Some I already know as soon as I see their name what their going to say so I don't even bother, but I do respect the opinions of some of you andtake in the advice. some I don't. And if you're one of the ones I don't listen to then maybe you shouldn't waste your time and respond.

 

Some I already know as soon as I see their name what their going to say so I don't even bother, but I do respect the opinions of some of you andtake in the advice. some I don't

 

Yes, and i bet i know the names you ignore the advice of as well, and quite honestly the advice and names you ignore are the ones that you should probably heed but you won't because it is not what you wanted to hear.

 

As far as trusting your counselor more, to be honest not every counselor is worth a crap. What is this person's credentials? My daughter's pre marital counselor was her preacher. I do not necessarily think clergy are qualified to be a really good counselor. I think they can offer some good suggestions but if you really want counseling you see a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist. You need to see someone not only who will tell you that pre wedding jitters are normal but who will drill down and get to the root cause of this. It doesn't sound like this counselor devled deeply into your issues. No offense but you said nothing about what this counselor said as a diagnosis that sounds remotely credible. Your concerns you explained on this thread are NOT just pre wedding jitters so if your counselor said its normal we all get it than sorry, I do not think he or she sounds all that legit.

 

I have found the people who grow and learn the quickest are the ones who are open minded enough to listen to advice even if doing so makes them take a good long look at themselves and their situation. Those who flip up and get snotty and argumentative and block it out often take a lot longer. I have no interest in whether your marriage fails or succeeds. I hope it succeeds for YOUR sake but as for mine I really don't have an interest in it, so these names you see that you ignore, ask yourself could it be that those members have lived thru a lot of experiences and can help? Because they for sure don't want to see you fail. We have no reason on earth to want to see that happen.

 

I think your parents shielding you from the real world as long as they did surely did you no favors. But that is water under the bridge at this point.

 

Bulletproof asked a good question. What is your plan for getting over this anxiety? In addition what was the prognosis or diagnosis given to you by the counselor? What action steps did he or she recommend? Did he or she set follow up sessions?

 

Telling you what you want to hear is useless. And i will bow out of this thread too because if we are going to do nothing but be a mouthpiece to echo the sentiments you like what is the point?

[Krystal_Ivy]

So, what is your plan for getting over your anxiety? What tips did the counselor give you? It's all well to chalk it up to anxiety - but I would imagine you need to feel better about taking this big step before you walk down the aisle. How are you going to accomplish that?

he prescribed some anxiety pills (he's a qualified phsychiatrist) and said I should talk my feelings through with a counselor. (which I was gonna do anyways)

[Batya33]

When I was going through this I found that talking to a therapist, or a trusted friend who gave me reassuring information (like, "everyone goes through this" or "it's normal!" or "you know he's a great guy!") temporarily lifted my spirits or at least temporarily relieved the anxiety. Temporarily. Because when it came down to it outsider's opinions weren't sufficient for me to overcome the deep rooted doubts (also based on clinginess, negativity, etc).

 

On the other hand, if it was a problem like how the person handled money, or whether we fought fair and someone could give me tools to deal with that and reassure me that with work we could do much better than we were, well, sure, that would give me hope.

 

As I wrote, there are doubts and there are doubts. I do think the OP is dismissing those of us who said to consider postponing (which I did) as if we said "break it off!" because she has no real response to "why not postpone" whereas she can dismiss "break it off" as too drastic. Which is why I think, as others do, that she is more focused on the status of marriage and having her wedding day (both!) then taking the risk to make sure this is the right match (risky because of course it could go from postponing to ending it).

 

It's very odd to me that the OP found Kate's advice "right" with the only explanation being that Kate got married, even though she is is not happy.

 

Good luck.

[Hope75]

 

 

You might find this post interesting, she sounds like she is about 2 years ahead of where you are now.

[kate2660]

Hey everyone...

 

I could talk about this stuff for ever (relationships). I know exactly how Krystal is feeling. I actually came on here before my wedding to vent and was basically attacked for saying that I was going to go through with my wedding. It was very upsetting especially when you just need people to listen and lend an ear...(not that anyone here is attacking her). It just helps to talk about it instead of people telling you what to do (especially when it is your own decision).

 

The reason I went through my wedding is I pictured my August wedding day before it ever happened and wondered how it would feel to not get married to my best friend on that day....and I knew I would be so devastated and sad. I knew I would regret not marrying him on that day. And most of what people are saying here is that I nor Krystal are thinking about the marriage and instead thinking about the big day (the day the day blah blah blah) but really I wasn't....i was truly thinking and picturing myself married to this man and having him as my partner for life...it's a huge decision and I wanted to be absolutely sure. I was sure. I was sure that he was who I wanted to be with....Does that mean we don't have some problems? No. Does that mean that I wasn't shaking in my bridal shoes? Absolutely not. I was petrified. But that means that I was taking it seriously.

 

So, we did get married and it was a beautiful day. We do go through some very rough patches, but both of us have decided that we will give it our everything to make it work. Sometimes I feel like I may be losing hope, but then the next day I say, "okay, a new day...." I don't know if this will be forever because no one does! I mean no one knows if their relationship will last. You never really HAVE anyone and no one really HAS you! My father could walk out on my mother after 30 years of marriage tomorrow....it's not being pessimistic, it means you need to be strong and realistic and try your best to make it work.

 

No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. I hope, Krystal, that you figure it out with the help of some kind advice from people on this board. Whatever you decide to do...own it and believe in it.

 

kate

[abbs]

Krystal,

 

My fiance seems to have exactly the same things you mentioned. My question is

 

1. What was your final decision? Did you get married?

2. If so did you go in to the marriage happy?

3. Did the treatment from the therapist help?

4. How long did it take you to get away from your thoughts.

 

Your answers could be quite helpful and save a relationship.

 

Thanks!

[Hope75]

Krystal,

 

My fiance seems to have exactly the same things you mentioned. My question is

 

1. What was your final decision? Did you get married?

2. If so did you go in to the marriage happy?

3. Did the treatment from the therapist help?

4. How long did it take you to get away from your thoughts.

 

Your answers could be quite helpful and save a relationship.

 

Thanks!

 

I can't answer all the questions for KI, but I can tell you that she did go through with the wedding, and she appeared happy on the big day.

[scarfseason]

I seriously thought I was the only one going thru this. I found your post and feel the same way.

 

Did you find a way to feel better??

[Jd1983]

I seriously thought I was the only one going thru this. I found your post and feel the same way.

 

Did you find a way to feel better??

 

Why not post your own thread and see what other people have to say. This thread is really old. I doubt you'll get responses on it.

[nicolelord2]

This will happen to most of people. If you feel depress then just follow these things.

 

1)Try not spend more time with people who miserable. Spent time with friends who believe you.

 

2)Try to spent time in which you enjoy yourself.

 

3)Take a break. plan a picnic which will relief you.

 

4)If you feel tense then go outside and smash the tennis ball.

[annie24]

This thread is years old.