pre-wedding depression

[JadedStar]

I am also confused how RayKays's post was off when she expanded on the things you told us...

[Hope75]

Krystal,

 

It's understandable that you are upset by what has been said here. It's a lot to digest and I am sure you were hoping/looking for advice that suggested you go ahead and marry him now and work through those problems later, or suggestions that this was not such a big deal and that your feelings are normal pre-wedding jitters. Unfortunately, they are not.

 

Have you noticed that almost everyone said the same thing- that working these issues out BEFORE the wedding, and ignoring them in the hopes that they are 'cold feet' would be a grave error? No one is telling you to break up with him, or even end your engagement. What we are suggesting is you give yourselves the time you obviously need and deserve and work through this together- BEFORE plunging into a marriage that you are clearly not ready for.

 

We're not ganging up on you, Krystal. Think about this. We have nothing to gain if you post pone this wedding while you work through this, and we have nothing to lose if you go ahead and marry this guy next month. What we do have is your best interests at heart.

 

What I see here, and what I think others are seeing, are some big red flags that shout out that marrying this guy when you feel this way and are behaving this way would be a big mistake and would almost certainly set you up for an ugly separation/divorce in the not so far future.

 

I think you do love this man but I do not think you are ready in any way to marry him, and I think you are so wrapped up in the 'party' and the status of being married that you have just been ignoring what your gut it telling you.

 

Do I think this relationship has a shot at lasting? Yes- if you address these issues and don't ignore them and you give yourself the time to do so- and don't rush into the wedding next month like you plan to do.

 

I hope you will come back and share your feelings about what has been said.

[annie24]

As i once heard Oprah say, when it comes to marriage, "doubt means DON'T." this is a BIG deal that you're about to go through. i would not walk into this situation lightly. sure, the wedding and honeymoon will be fun, flowers, presents and all that, but once all the fuss has died, pretty soon, it will just be you and him, alone, in your apartment, living together as man and wife, every day for the rest of your lives. are you ready for that responsibility? him being the ONLY man you will be intimate with the rest of your life? he is the one you will be balancing the checkbook with, and paying taxes with, and picking up groceries with, and all those other mundane details of life.

 

why don't you feel ready? i would sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself and try to figure out where the doubt is coming from. is it that you've never lived on your own?

 

a divorce is a lot harder to do than postponing a wedding. if you are not sure, postpone while you sort your feelings out. if you go through with it, and then realize after 2 years together that his neediness is a huge turnoff to you and you still don't feel like being intimate with him, this is just going to lead to a divorce.

 

i guess, i would do some soul-searching, and fast!

[Batya33]

I do think it matters what the doubts are as to whether doubt means don't. I know of several happy couples where one of them was brave enough to tell me pre-wedding about certain doubts.

[kate2660]

i was in a pretty similar situation about 6 months ago before my wedding. i had a fairytale wedding...absolutely gorgeous, but i was severely depressed right up until the day. i was sooo unsure but there was absolutely no way i could call it off. i know i wasn't ready even though we were together for 6 years! i know it seems nuts, we even lived together for 2. so what was going to change? i had no idea, but all i know is that i cried everyday...in the bathtub, in my bedroom, in the car, while i was jogging, to my mom, my sisters, my friends...it was bad. but again, there was no way i could break my fiancees heart. it is normal to not be completely excited about it. i know my issues run a lot deeper than pre wedding jitters....and yours may be just that, who knows, but i did read a lot about how brides-to be are expected to be glowing, gushing and just so excited about the big day...and that is completely untrue and caused by all the commercialism surrounding planning such a big event like that. 6 months into our marriage and things are not perfect, we have a lot of issues and i truly wonder if this will last. i know it can if i try, but part of me feels like i don't have it in me. this man is wonderful and beautiful but it's my happiness at stake.....so with a lot of thinking and questioning i will come up with a decision to either stick with this commitment or continue on my own...

 

 

good luck to u

[Batya33]

Was the reason you didn't call it off because of all the plans that had been made and because you were too afraid to tell your fiancee your true feelings? Did he know how you felt? For me, I figured it would break his heart more if I married him when I was so full of doubts and anxiety.

 

I agree that there is a lot of hype about weddings. I also think that some women walk down the aisle because the thought of cancelling the expensive complicated party/plans seems impossible.

[JadedStar]

^^TRue. I would rather hurt my fiancee before being legally his wife then waiting after and having to go thru a divorce.

 

Anyone can go thru a divorce but to proceed with a wedding for fear of hurting anyone's feelings ......whether the groom or wedding party...is counterproductive because it will hurt far more AFTER the nuptials.

 

I agree with batya that we all have pre wedding jitters and some doubts...SOME. The degree that the OP is speaking of are warning signs.

[Hope75]

Kate,

 

I had to say something about what you said here:

 

i did read a lot about how brides-to be are expected to be glowing, gushing and just so excited about the big day...and that is completely untrue and caused by all the commercialism surrounding planning such a big event like that.

 

And I have to disagree with you 100%. Being excited about getting married to the man you love isn't about the 'party' (Will it be fun? yeah! Will you look great? Yeah!), it's about making that commitment to marry to each other, in front of those you love and know and in front of God, and making a choice to create a marriage (and family, for some) and share your lives together as a married couple.

 

I'm getting married and we have been together 5.5 years and will be together for just under 6 when we walk down the aisle. Am I excited about the wedding day itself? Yes, but for the reason that I love my fiance, he is my best friend, and I can't wait to become his wife and start a new chapter in our lives and commitments to one another. The party is over in a day. The marriage is (hopefully) going to be around for a lifetime.

[Krystal_Ivy]

I am not going to take in what anyone but kate has said only because I believe only she can give advice because SHE is the only one going through what I'm going through and knows what it's like. It's easy to say "don't do it" if it's not YOU. and I don't give a fig what Opera says, because I know thats a bunch o bull. it is 100% normal to have SOME doubt before marriage. thats what cold-feet is and most people go through that.

As far as what kate and I are going through, I do believe it runs deeper. some of us have depression, some of us have personal fears we grew up with that others haven't, so of course we will view marriage differetly than other people and only WE can understand that. it doesn't mean our marriage will end in divorce or be doomed to disaster. It's just that we function differently, and if there are no solid personal realtionship issues going on, and we are with someone who we love dearly and understands us then it's just something you can't understand unless you are in our shoes. The way she described herself is 100% like me. the whole happy, perfect, pre-marriage talk is mostly hype not everyone is the same, so not everyone can understand and give "advice"

[annie24]

hey - you are right - none of us are in your shoes, even those of us on this thread who are engaged or have been engaged or are married don't know exactly what you are going through, because everyone experiences something different. only you know what is going on, if this is just a case of 'pre-wedding jitters' or some more serious doubts about going through the wedding. if you say you are fine, it's just jitters, then ok. at the end of the day, whether you go through with the wedding or not, it doesn't really affect me or anyone else. just you and your husband.

 

a few months from now, after the wedding and the honeymoon are over, it's just going to be you and your husband in your apartment alone, dealing with your issues and problems and money troubles on your own. if you are ready to go through with this and take on all the responsibilities, then go for it.

[annie24]

As far as what kate and I are going through, I do believe it runs deeper. some of us have depression, some of us have personal fears we grew up with that others haven't, so of course we will view marriage differetly than other people and only WE can understand that. it doesn't mean our marriage will end in divorce or be doomed to disaster. It's just that we function differently, and if there are no solid personal realtionship issues going on, and we are with someone who we love dearly and understands us then it's just something you can't understand unless you are in our shoes. The way she described herself is 100% like me. the whole happy, perfect, pre-marriage talk is mostly hype not everyone is the same, so not everyone can understand and give "advice"

 

also, did you notice the part where kate said she is not sure her marriage will work out?

 

. 6 months into our marriage and things are not perfect, we have a lot of issues and i truly wonder if this will last. i know it can if i try, but part of me feels like i don't have it in me. this man is wonderful and beautiful but it's my happiness at stake.....so with a lot of thinking and questioning i will come up with a decision to either stick with this commitment or continue on my own...

[Hope75]

Krystal,

 

There are a lot of wise people who have taken the time to respond to your request for advice. People here who have all kinds of relationship experience, who may or may be engaged, who may or may not have been through what you are going through. To discount their advice because their scenario is not exactly the same as yours, well, it just seems very close minded and like tunnel vision.

 

Again, you are the only one who will live with the consequences of whatever you decide. As Annie said, once the party is over it will be you and your husband alone in your apartment, broke, still dealing with your doubts and distance from him and this relationship.

 

Kate's story is indeed very sad, and if you read the entire post you may think twice about it... she isn't even sure if her marriage is going to work out and she's not terribly happy right now, and that has nothing to do with what a great guy her new husband is- but more about her feelings about the whole situation.

 

I'm sorry but it seems like you are only looking for validation for your decision to plow ahead despite your doubts and obvious withdrawal from your fiance, and not real advice based on the experience of others.

[Batya33]

I agree with Hope. Obviously when you posted you knew that no one would be exactly in your shoes - no one else is dating your fiancee, no one else is you. so, I think this is a case of cherry picking the advice of someone who went through with it (but whose marriage is shaky).

 

There are doubts and then there are doubts. Yours don't sound like the typical cold feet pre-wedding "jitters" - and I was engaged at your age and in a similar situation that you are in now - wondering what was normal.

 

I was not one of the ones who advocated calling it off (I am not sure anyone did) but postponing is a reasonable alternative so you can get to the root of what is going on -- that is, if you are willing to share with a therapist and willing to hear feedback (not to be told what to do, or feedback). if you will dismiss what a professional says because he or she was not in your precise situation and is not dating your fiancee then of course it's a waste of time and money to go to a therapist with that close minded attitude.

 

It's a scary thing - doubts and then asking for input. It was brave of you to do so. But a little cowardly - and a little foolish - to then dismiss all of this input as "well you're not in my shoes" and pick only the person who is now married after having these doubts (even though others, like us, went through engagements that ended because of doubts that were larger than cold feet) -- why, just because she now has the status of married, even though it is a shaky marriage?

 

Good luck.

[JadedStar]

Krystal doesn't look for advice, she looks for validation.

 

Good luck on the marriage Krystal Ivy.

[Batya33]

Yes, and I guess that is why that post hit home for me too - because when I was that age and engaged I looked for validation too even though i claimed to want advice. there is a good book - not sure if it has been updated from 10 years ago called "what No one tells the bride" and it does a good job of differentiation between pre-wedding jitters and true doubts that should trigger possibly postponing the wedding. I think it said something like "if more than half the time you are not happy with your intended, that is a bad sign" but don't quote me on that. it also said more about how to differentiate.

 

But if Krystal likes what Kate has to say it confirms, at least for me, that her main focus is on getting the wedding ring and being married as opposed to focusing on whether the marriage will be a healthy one. The thought of not having the status of being married is freaking her out.

 

It freaked me out too back then (even though I did cancel) and I realize in hindsight it is because I had little else going for me that felt like a personal accomplishment at the time. That changed drastically after I canceled the wedding and that helped me make better choices. I share that in the off chance that the OP might change her mind and actually seek input as opposed to validation, and I know that my experiences are not exactly like hers, or anyone elses, but perhaps it might give some perspective (or to anyone else who is reading and going through something similar).

[RayKay]

Well, I think to discount advice as they are not "exactly" you is a bit silly; as there are many people here with lots of experience in relationships and doubts and life overall.

 

Even if you do choose to take only Kate's advice...it seems to me you glossed over the whole part where she feels no better about things months after the wedding and is not sure things will work out!

 

Again, I don't care what you do or don't do - it is your life and you live with the consequences of that. But I too think you are focusing on the "status" you feel you will get via marriage then you are looking at the actual relationship itself you are committing to and whether YOU as a person are fundamentally ready for that step in your life. Nothing wrong with postponing it to make sure you really ARE; because I can say that not only will marriage not make things easier, or fix things in the relationship OR in you; but that it can even make the issues become more apparent.

[JadedStar]

But if Krystal likes what Kate has to say it confirms, at least for me, that her main focus is on getting the wedding ring and being married as opposed to focusing on whether the marriage will be a healthy one. The thought of not having the status of being married is freaking her out.

 

I get this feel 100%.

 

I don't think Krystal realizes we have no motivation one way or the other to intentionally try to steer her wrong. We don't care if she gets married or not...at the end of the day we don't even know her. It is a sad shame that she even admits outloud that she refuses to take in what anyone is telling her, and even the post she does want to heed she conveniently left out the parts that she didnt' like.

 

I do wish her luck and not even being sarcastic when I say at this point she is really going to need it.

[bulletproof]

6 months into our marriage and things are not perfect, we have a lot of issues and i truly wonder if this will last. i know it can if i try, but part of me feels like i don't have it in me. this man is wonderful and beautiful but it's my happiness at stake.....so with a lot of thinking and questioning i will come up with a decision to either stick with this commitment or continue on my own...

 

 

good luck to u

 

I hope if you are only taking Kate's advice, then you read this part of her post again. She is not confirming that you are suffering from pre-wedding jitters... she is telling you that there's a possibility that it's more than that.

[annie24]

i think it's really important to sit down and examine exactly WHICH issues are bothering you, so you can figure out a way to fix it and feel better. for example, what specifically has you feeling nervous and depressed? if it is money, i would make sure to sit down with your fiance NOW, far in advance of the wedding, and discuss money and budget issues - how much do you make, how much does he make, what are your expenses, how much are you going to save towards retirement, do you want to buy a home, when? do you want children, are you going to live on one salary or two, how much will insurance cost, etc.... i think if you go through some of these calculations and it works out, you may feel less anxiety simply by feeling in control of the situation.

[Hope75]

Interestingly enough, Krystal, although I am engaged in a healthy relationship now and thrilled about getting married, when I was your age I was also engaged to someone who ended up not being the right person for me. I did call off the engagement- not an easy decision. But I don't have any regrets about that now.

 

No one is saying you have to call off the wedding, or break off the engagement. All we are saying is think about why you feel this way and don't be so quick to dismiss it as "pre-wedding" jitters when it sounds as though this is anything but.

 

And this is from someone who WAS in your situation, or at the very least a similar one, and someone who has now seen both sides of the coin- the "not right engagement- wedding planning time", and doing it with the "right person at the right time."

[Hope75]

This sounds very similar Batya to what Krystal is going through now. At age 24, she has no college education, no job, lives at home with her parents so no experience living out on her own and truly being an independent adult- so what does she have besides this wedding?

 

Krystal, one can't help but think of this when we read about your situation- what else have you got going for you in your life right now besides planning this wedding? Is marriage the only thing on your foreseeable horizon?

 

 

It would explain a lot why you are clinging so hard to this despite your doubts and pulling away from the person you should be feeling the closest too.

[Krystal_Ivy]

wow. you are really a bunch of judgemental people who know NOTHING about me. I could care less about the "wedding" it's the marriage that I want. and I DO have a job working for an optometrist and went to school for that. So hope please get your facts straight before you open your mouth. And I was tired of hearing all of your bull and wanted to talk to someone who could actually help, so I spoke to a professional therapist today and he said I was the fifth bride that has come in this month feeling down and not knowing why. And that it's actually common. he said he'd be worried if I wasn't feeling this way going into such a huge life transition and serious commitment. he said it's just a problem of having alot of anxiety (since there are no real realtionship issues) and I do need to rid myself of all that anxiety. So yeah, felt good to have it confirmed from someone who actually knows what they're talking about.

[JadedStar]

Krystal it was just very recent that you had no idea what kind of job to get and that you and your fiancee were struggling financially. You were overwhelmed wondering how you could support yourselves. Hope is really trying to help you so you telling her to get her "facts straight" when those facts came right from you is rude.

 

I really am not sure why you ask for advice here. You always end up criticizing and berating those whose experience you could most benefit from.

[Hope75]

My apologies about having said you did not have an education Krystal, I see now that you have some schooling. For some reason I had mixed you up with someone who dropped out of their program.

 

Funny, it says in this thread you posted here 2 weeks ago that you didn't have a degree? Was it a certificate program or something?

 

 

 

And you also did post a thread 2 weeks ago about not being able to find a job:

 

 

 

These are of course separate issues from what you are posting about- but I wanted you to know where I got my 'facts' from.

[Krystal_Ivy]

it's not rude. it's the truth. She doesn't need to not assume. and it is rude of her. and you to have such an attitude of judegment and "know it all". And no I don't always end up doing anything. I just don't listen to people that think they know everything when they don't.