pre-wedding depression

[JadedStar]

It's understandable that it is a big change for you but I don't think that is all this is, and I think you may be choosing to heed EM's advice because it does not require you to think about this more in the sense that you might want to post pone the wedding.

 

I don't think your parents did you any favors by taking care of everything for you in that you are 24 with no college education and no job.

 

Totally agree with Hope again. With all of what she wrote and particularly the above.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Can anyone give me any examples on how counseling could be a bad idea? even if a couple was completely functional?

 

Just confused on how this option couldn't be seen as anything but great for the relationship. The ability to realize that your relationship isn't perfect. The chance to put everything out on the table (especially when about to start a marriage). The opportunity to ask for other's more experienced opinions.

 

Seriously, what is wrong with this idea? Even if there is nothing wrong in the relationship?

[dragon lady]

I think I'm with hope on this one. Definitely get some counseling, and don't be afraid to postpone the wedding if need be. It would be better to do that than get married and regret it.

[Hope75]

Can anyone give me any examples on how counseling could be a bad idea? even if a couple was completely functional?

 

Just confused on how this option couldn't be seen as anything but great for the relationship. The ability to realize that your relationship isn't perfect. The chance to put everything out on the table (especially when about to start a marriage). The opportunity to ask for other's more experienced opinions.

 

Seriously, what is wrong with this idea? Even if there is nothing wrong in the relationship?

 

Did someone say counseling was a bad idea?

 

I think most everyone agreed that Krystal and her fiance would both benefit from it.

[JadedStar]

Can anyone give me any examples on how counseling could be a bad idea? even if a couple was completely functional?

 

Just confused on how this option couldn't be seen as anything but great for the relationship. The ability to realize that your relationship isn't perfect. The chance to put everything out on the table (especially when about to start a marriage). The opportunity to ask for other's more experienced opinions.

 

Seriously, what is wrong with this idea? Even if there is nothing wrong in the relationship?

 

 

Who are you asking this question to? I know I personally agree with you that counseling is never a bad thing....

[Cognitive_Canine]

The fact that the OP isn't really considering it and the post by samross.

[JadedStar]

I think that samross meant that if Krystal is looking for counseling to help convince her this marriage is the right thing that it is probably not worth going to....but I don't think he/she meant counseling in itself is useless.

[Hope75]

Well,

 

The OP may change her mind after the advice she is received.

 

I personally think it would be a help if she and her fiance went together, but I still don't think it's enough.

 

I think she should post pone the wedding until these issues are resolved.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Yes, I totally agree.

 

She should only have the wedding when she feels nothing but pure joy for getting married.

 

Also, now rereading Samross's post, I think I misread it the first time. Sorry about that. Just was completely perplexed how the counseling wouldn't be a good step.

[heloladies21]

No advice here, because you have resigned to marry him. But a prediction, because all the signs are there that you will eventually dump him. I guarantee it.

[RayKay]

Sorry, I have to agree with Hope on this one.

 

Is it normal to be a bit nervous about it? Sure. It IS forever and it IS a big commitment. But is it normal to be pushing the other way, having panic attacks and this worried? No....I would not marry someone if I had those kind of feelings! I have been with my boyfriend for a number of years now, and can say that if we decided to get married tomorrow....I would be ready and so would he.

 

I honestly have never thought it was a good idea to marry or even live with a partner until you have done so on your own anyway...I just have seen over and over again what happens if you have never learned that independence for yourself, but I also think this relationship IS very young (18 months is not long at all...particularly when you have been planning a wedding for a great portion of it which often means the focus becomes more on wedding, and you can neglect the issues in relationship itself).

 

 

I too suggest postponing the wedding and going to counseling together.

[Batya33]

If you read the threads you posted when you first started dating him you had the same concerns you have now about him being a pushover. I think you were very focused on the status of marriage and then on the wedding - I remember you thinking I would be hurt by your comment that I wasn't engaged or married, as if somehow my being unmarried meant that my boyfriend didn't want me (your presumptions made me laugh for reasons I won't get into here).

It was clear to me from that comment and others that you wanted Marriage and a Ring and a Wedding for the Status of it - and not neccesarily because you wanted this particular man. Or, if you did, you were more focused on being Married than being married to him.

 

I was like that too at your age. I was engaged to be married for some of the same reasons. And he was a pushover too. But shortly after we got engaged I realized that and ended it, before any plans were made. I didn't regret that decision even though my own mother said I would when I was in my 30s (meaning OLD) and having trouble meeting a great guy like him. I was willing to take that risk. Boy am I glad I did.

 

I am not at all suggesting you cancel the wedding, end things, etc. I am suggesting you postpone for 6 months to a year where you work out these issues in counseling. Not to have the counselor make you feel a certain way - including that it is "right" but just to work out these issues to your satisfaction.

 

Good luck.

[bulletproof]

But at times, I feel he loves me more than I love him. He's much more clingy than I am.

 

This statement alone would make me think twice. If you are thinking this now, it is only going to get worse the more time you spend together. Imbalance in any relationship can be a huge problem. It can lead to resentment on the part of the partner who is less invested. While there may be lots of studies you can cite saying that having a pre-wedding depression is normal, you don't know how those actual marriages turned out. For me, having that information would make for a more reliable study. I know for myself that the one time I was sure about a person, I was really, really sure.

[samross]

Good morning -

 

If I sounded like I was against counciling, nothing could be further from the truth -

 

Counciling can be a great thing for a couple in 'trouble' (whatever that means). I've been to several for several different reasons and they all helped successfully when they were issues that a councilor could help with. However, if I'm having serious issues with my fiance that need to be resolved before I marry her I'm more than likely whistling in the dark. Knowing what I know now in my life, I would not enter into a marriage with that kind of baggage. It doesn't mean I wouldn't marry the person at all but so many people that have serious issues before marriage think that 'things will be better or different after we're married' or 'I'll change him or her after we're married'. Almost 100% of the time it doesn't happen. When you're young and idealistic, you can't see this and think love will fix it but after experiencing the reality of this type of scenario you understand that more often than not, the problems that exist prior to a marriage typically only get worse after the marriage. When I said I'm not sold on pre-marital counciling I meant only in the context that a couple having serious problems between them prior to marriage and expecting that counciling will 'fix it' so they can go ahead and get married will more than likely, and sadly, not succeed. It can happen, and I don't mean to paint a gloom and doom picture - I'm just trying to be a bit realistic.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

However, if I'm having serious issues with my fiance that need to be resolved before I marry her I'm more than likely whistling in the dark. Knowing what I know now in my life, I would not enter into a marriage with that kind of baggage. It doesn't mean I wouldn't marry the person at all but so many people that have serious issues before marriage think that 'things will be better or different after we're married' or 'I'll change him or her after we're married'. Almost 100% of the time it doesn't happen.

 

I agree with this completely. I was married once and the issues did get worse. Furthermore, the engagement period and all that is supposed to be all blissful and fun, not WORK. Marriage is WORK, the period before it isn't, otherwise no one would get married. You know what I mean? After you get married, you have expectations for one another and it only gets more serious.

[JadedStar]

Absolutely! Great post. Fact of the matter is if there are problems BEFORE the wedding it is pretty much a gimmie that they are going to multiply tenfold after the wedding.

[Batya33]

I agree with this completely. I was married once and the issues did get worse. Furthermore, the engagement period and all that is supposed to be all blissful and fun, not WORK. Marriage is WORK, the period before it isn't, otherwise no one would get married. You know what I mean? After you get married, you have expectations for one another and it only gets more serious.

 

I know plenty of people who had stressful engagements - between wedding planning, family matters, etc. and adjusting to living together. And they are fine. I know few people who planned weddings and moved in together who had blissful engagements. relationships are work, not just marriage.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I know plenty of people who had stressful engagements - between wedding planning, family matters, etc. and adjusting to living together. And they are fine. I know few people who planned weddings and moved in together who had blissful engagements. relationships are work, not just marriage.

 

Sure, they are work, but it's not extremely hard work. IE Most things should be working right before people consider marriage. There shouldn't be enough things going wrong in a relationship of two people who want to get married that they need serious counselling before they walk the aisle.

[Batya33]

I take it more on an individual basis. I would want to know what the purpose of the counseling was.

[RayKay]

I have to agree with Batya that relationships are work, and stressful at times and it should not mean you are not ready to get married.

 

I quite honestly would rather marry someone where we HAD been through some tough stuff together, and stresses and "work" of a relationship than one where it was all easy and "perfect" (a.k.a. still lost in the honeymoon). If you don't know how you work together when things are tough before the wedding, do you really know what you are getting into? What happens if they have this idea of perfection in their head and as soon as that is broken after the wedding they want out? Or cannot let go of anger? Or who knows what else!

 

As an example...would I have married my boyfriend a year into dating? Sure, I was head over heels! But would I have been "ready" or our relationship been ready? I certainly would of worked through it and tried my best (as I have as I am committed to him) but I can't say that at the time when I was saying my vows I would of really been saying them KNOWING him as I do now & loving him as completely as I do now, I am far more ready to marry him now that we have grown to know one another, live with one another & truly can "work" together. To me it means far more when I can say "I take you as you are now that I KNOW you & the reality" than it is to say "I do" based on expectations, and romantic ideals of marriage & of each other that comes in that honeymoon stage (which is when most do get married!).

 

But....that is a BIG difference from marrying someone where you have criticisms of them being "weak" (which to me comes accross as not really RESPECTING them as they are), are not even wanting intimacy, are feeling you are not so sure about this after all, and where it is about "forcing" things to work rather than working through them together. I think the OP has been engaged to this guy for a LARGE portion of this relationship and is so caught up in the wedding planning & the excitement of the romantic idea of weddings and marriage that she may be missing the bigger picture and listening to what these feelings are really telling her...and maybe she just likes the idea of someone being all over her, rather than looking at the idea that relationships have to be mutually reciprocal for them to work (particularly happily/in a healthy manner) in the long run.

[melrich]

Sorry I have not read this whole thread, just your first post, so I apologise in advance if you have addressed this.

 

I don't even feel like being intimate with him.

 

I think putting this down to the stress of the wedding is very dangerous, That's a pretty big problem right there and I think you need to examine it.

 

If it were me, I'd be putting a halt to this and having an honest conversation with yourself.

[Krystal_Ivy]

you couldn't be any further off.

[Batya33]

you couldn't be any further off.

 

Can you expand on that please? Sounds like RK was just repeating back almost verbatim what you wrote.

 

I cannot blame you for feeling defensive - I've been where you are and it seems impossible to postpone or cancel once you get the ball rolling. And embarrassing. But it will be ok as long as you continue to be honest with yourself.

[Miss Firecracker]

I can imagine I would feel a lot of anger if people said that my relationship was a disaster in the making. But when you ask for the truth then you should be ready to hear it. You can still pretend you never saw any of this and just go for it. It is your FOREVER, after all.

[RayKay]

That is of course fine if you feel I am off, but I am indeed just saying what you yourself said...you have written posts about him being weak, you wrote in this thread about having these big doubts, and about not even wanting to be intimate....so I don't think I am off at all in saying that perhaps you are rushing into this a bit quickly instead of stopping to take a look at the big picture.

 

Of course. it does not matter to me what you do do, it is your life and you are the one that lives with those choices. Just make sure you are quite comfortable with those choices and don't ignore these issues just because the wedding is already planned. More people than myself have said that maybe you better slow down and look at these feelings more closely.....