Wedding Gift Etiquette

[fnlyfrei]

Okay, here goes....

 

 

My fiance' and I are going to send out our invites this week. We have both been married before, he had a large wedding the first time, I had no wedding...nothing. A civil ceremony, no family or friends.

 

Our wedding is going to be small, and informal. He wants to write on the invitations that gifts are appreciated, but not nessasary....I was okay with that , but on the second draft, he almost wanted to state no gifts at all.

 

We did register at a very modest store, and most of the items were practical and family-oriented...

 

What is the usual protocol ? If someone brings no gift..cool. I just want a nice day spent with people we love. But was it wrong to even register? Am I wrong if I don't mind getting a few gifts? I would like someone's input on this.

 

Thanks !

[willow2900]

I think that it is respectful of both of you to provide the option of "no gift" to your guests. However, I think you will find that most people will bring a gift! I know that for myself I could never not bring a gift, even if it was cash, to a wedding! It's just what I do I guess.

 

I do not know the "official" protocol but I do not believe that it is wrong to register. Nowadays people are very busy and buying off the registry makes it easy!

 

You are not wrong in the least for being happy to receive gifts! It is your wedding day! You are allowed to accept people's love and affection, even in gift form!

 

Good luck on the day! Coming up in a few months I guess if invitiations are going out. You must be excited!

[caro33]

I did a bit of a search about this before I got married 9 months ago. We had real concerns at the time that people would give us endless amounts of unneeded glassware and towels - we were struggling enough as it was trying to integrate two separate households and the thought of MORE stuff to find space for completely freaked me out.

 

All the etiquette stuff I found said not to mention gifts at all. Total silence on the gifts. It is apparently presumptuous to even refer to them, including "no gifts".

 

What we did was not mention gifts in the invite, and if anyone asked us, we said "oh no, we just want your company". If they insisted (which people do!) we referred them to my best friend, who we had worded up to suggest certain gift vouchers might be the way to go. I personally was not against the notion of gifts, I just didn't want endless tea kettles, fondue sets etc that we'd have to find space for.

 

We ended up with lots of gift vouchers we have yet to spend (husband is making me save them for meaningful purchases, I have talked him into letting me spend them on babt stuff), and only a small amount of glassware.

 

Having said that, my friend has been invited to at least 8 weddings in the past couple of years, and she gave me their invitations at the time for ideas. All of them mentioned gifts, ranging from awful, super-presumptous statements about what they wanted in the invitation itself, to classy looking inserts for bridal registries, or small and unassuming statements about gifts not being required. I don't think making statements about gifts is necessarily all that bad, it depends how you do it.

[ButterflyWrists]

My cousin has said on her invitation:

For those wishing to contribute towards a gift, ...&..... have a gift list at john lewis. The list, No......, will be available from 9th june 07, by one of 3 ways.

1. online

2. Calling

3. Visit

 

then it goes to what can help you..

[Amberr]

I think it's very practical to say "no gifts necessary, but if you insist, here's where we're registered." Someone will always be insulted by whatever you choose to do, but I personally think this is the best way. I like it when the invitation gives me a clue as to what my options are. My only suggestion would be to figure out a way that people can attend the wedding without a gift and not feel singled out. Like, somehow collecting the gifts before or after the wedding.

 

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Best wishes to you and your fiancee.

[Batya33]

These days I think most people know to look for your registry on one of the two major sites - no need to mention on the invitation. You could do "in lieu of gifts please donate to ___ charity" or "any charity." If someone registered for gifts I would assume they wanted gifts.

[anydaynow]

Traditional etiquette dictates that there is no mention of gifts, not even "no gifts."

 

Some people like buying gifts, or feel they must need to. These people will seek you out and find out if you are registered. You can tell them (or have others close to you tell them) that it is unecessary, but if they must, you are registered at xyz.

 

I think traditional etiquette is a little weird, and "no gifts please" or is okay. But if you say that an go and register, you are sending mixed messages, which is poor etiquette in any situation.

[sallyusa]

have you sent out your invatations yet? this is what i would do if i were you to do on your invatations if your not really comfortable telling people about bringing you wedding gifts you can either put on the invatations that gift cards are welcome or the american express gift card so you can do the shopping yourself then you would't have to worry about people brining you the same stuff, and believe me when you get the same stuff its a hassell to go back to each shopping store returning it and exchanging it. i think any gift cards would be nice or american express gift cards and on the american express gift cards they can put as many amount of money in it. put on your invatation or write the number to the american express phone number or gift cards from other stores as welcomed also. I hope this helps. my cousin that got married last year and nicely asked people to get them american express gift cards and the total of the gift cards he received was 5000 dollars.

[anydaynow]

my cousin that got married last year and nicely asked people to get them american express gift cards and the total of the gift cards he received was 5000 dollars.

 

Sorry, I've got to say I think that this is beyond tacky and incredibly rude to boot. If you'd rather have cash or cash equivalents, have people spread the word. Do NOT say so on the invite.

[Batya33]

Sorry, I've got to say I think that this is beyond tacky and incredibly rude to boot. If you'd rather have cash or cash equivalents, have people spread the word. Do NOT say so on the invite.

 

I have to say I agree. It's the same as asking for cash, other than it's more inconvenient for the guests to get an amex gift card. Might as well just charge admission to the reception.

 

As far as getting duplicate gifts - in a world pre-registry that happened all the time - obviously it was a hassle to receive three toasters and two waffle irons but people graciously realized that that was the way things were. If it's so inconvenient to return a gift then those people can simply donate those duplicative gifts to charity.

 

(and to the OP - believe me I realize this is far, far afield of what you were contemplating and your concerns reveal your sensitivities and thoughtfulness!)

[ghost69]

u might want to consider marriage for something other than getting gifts. you are sharing a union, a bond, that you want to share with others. they are already getting dressed up, taking time out of their schedule, etc. optional gifts are good.

[fnlyfrei]

u might want to consider marriage for something other than getting gifts. you are sharing a union, a bond, that you want to share with others. they are already getting dressed up, taking time out of their schedule, etc. optional gifts are good.

 

Yeah Ghost, I was just marrying this dude for some salad spinners and a few pancake turners. Where did you get the idea that I was in this for gifts? And btw, no one is getting dressed up, it's on a Saturday up in the mountains in Colorado...and I stated before...gifts are of course optional. sheesh

[willow2900]

u might want to consider marriage for something other than getting gifts. you are sharing a union, a bond, that you want to share with others. they are already getting dressed up, taking time out of their schedule, etc. optional gifts are good.

 

You have obviously not been to many weddings to think that the bride and groom do not have to be concerned about proper etiquette regarding gifts. It was a responsible and reasonable question seeing as it is a second marriage for them both. To criticize the OP on her intentions for getting married, which are all yours by the way, never once mentioned by her, is rude.

 

She did not once mention that she was getting married for the gifts. It is a responsible action on her and her fiance's part to consider what the course of action should be regarding people's wishes in giving gifts.

 

I suggest you look at this site: link removed. It has some wonderful etiquette suggestions for weddings and many other things.

[Scout]

I hope you haven't sent the invitations out yet if they say, "Gifts appreciated but not necessary." Because Caro33 is right, gifts should never be mentioned at all on the invitation. Instead, ask a good friend to verbally spread the word that you two don't want gifts as you are both fairly well set up already.

[ghost69]

I hope you haven't sent the invitations out yet if they say, "Gifts appreciated but not necessary." Because Caro33 is right, gifts should never be mentioned at all on the invitation. Instead, ask a good friend to verbally spread the word that you two don't want gifts as you are both fairly well set up already.

 

thanks scout. that is what i was trying to point out with my post. maybe a tad of sarcasm wasn't the way to go. if i received an invitation that had anything about gifts in it, i'd be like wth. putting an insert in that says you are registered at a store i don't see as bad.

 

and i've been to a wedding in the woods. and it was actually in CO. everyone was still dressed up.

[fnlyfrei]

Well, firstly Ghost, this is MY wedding...and it is casual. Really didn't ask for your input about who is getting dressed up, that having anything to do with gifts...whatever. And yes, your comments are sarcastic. You are taking something I asked about and twisting it into me wanting a wedding just for the gifts. That is kind of snotty. Uncalled for.

 

 

Scout, the invititations themselves have no mention of gifts, but the map to the park has mention of the picnic/bbq and the optional gift. So ....we should delete that from the map and still include the card that says where we are registered? I am confused, and this is causing more *strife* between us than need be....I hope the rest of the planning isn't this stressful....I just want our VERY casual, fun, wedding ceremony/picnic reception to be happy...and fun for everyone.

[Scout]

Scout, the invititations themselves have no mention of gifts, but the map to the park has mention of the picnic/bbq and the optional gift. So ....we should delete that from the map and still include the card that says where we are registered?

 

Yes, delete mention of gifts from any piece of written communication that is going out.

 

Now, as for the card indicating where you are registered...well, we're getting into "gray" etiquette territory here. I think it's very, very common these days for people to include registration cards, but is it technically correct from an etiquette standpoint? I am not really sure. I think years ago, no, it wouldn't have been, but people are doing it anyway by and large these days.

 

I am little confused about one point...my original impression was that you and your fiance didn't really want gifts, so I am uncertain why you are registered somewhere for gifts and including that in your invitation.

 

Let me do some research...I actually have a few etiquette books, lol...I'll let you know if I find anything about the registration cards.

[BellaDonna]

I've gotten wedding shower invitations that contained a card stating where the couple was registered, but I never received a wedding invitation with that info.

 

For my wedding invitation, we never mentioned anything about gifts. We hoped that by mentioning nothing, that people would just give us money if they wanted to contribute something.

 

If people would ask us or the wedding party about what they could "buy"...we would just say- "You do not have to buy anything, We have everything we need, just come and have a good time." (We were already living together for a couple of years before tying the knot)

 

Saying that worked- out of over 180 guests- only 2 ended up bringing wrapped gifts and the rest gave cash.

 

Perhaps you can have your wedding party or friends use that same kind of verbal approach, only in your case, mentioning the registry.

 

 

Yeah Ghost, I was just marrying this dude for some salad spinners and a few pancake turners.

 

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

After dating for 8 years before marriage- my wedding certainly was not about gifts/money either- but it was NICE to get some money since it helped soften the blow of the costs for the wedding itself.

 

BellaDonna

[Scout]

Come to think of it, I've never gotten a wedding invitation with the registry mentioned, either. It's always showers that have some kind of info on that, if any.

[Batya33]

I may have once or twice - the registry info listed - I did get one once where they said that since they were moving accross the country soon they wanted gift cards rather than "gifts" - but he also IMs me with very inappropriate messages, let's just say, so I wouldn't trust his etiquette ;-)

 

I think it is fine to expect gifts from guests where they are invited to your party but under etiquette rules you can't flat out "ask" for them.

[ghost69]

Well, firstly Ghost, this is MY wedding...and it is casual. Really didn't ask for your input about who is getting dressed up, that having anything to do with gifts...whatever. And yes, your comments are sarcastic. You are taking something I asked about and twisting it into me wanting a wedding just for the gifts. That is kind of snotty. Uncalled for.

 

 

Scout, the invititations themselves have no mention of gifts, but the map to the park has mention of the picnic/bbq and the optional gift. So ....we should delete that from the map and still include the card that says where we are registered? I am confused, and this is causing more *strife* between us than need be....I hope the rest of the planning isn't this stressful....I just want our VERY casual, fun, wedding ceremony/picnic reception to be happy...and fun for everyone.

 

i think the optional gift should be removed. usually, i just take a gift to a wedding as a default anyway. sometimes i never hear they are registered anywhere or had any notice they wanted anything. and there will be a table full of stuff.