How do I tell my girlfriend she needs to lose some weight?

[PreciousPrincess]

She isn't fat by any means, but she has a great body in my opinion and I really don't want her to lose that...

 

I recently noticed she's been gaining some belly fat... I want to tell her that she needs to lose that so it won't get any worse, but don't know how to tell her. I'll still love her regardless, but the reason I'm so scared of her becoming chubby is because 1) she's already got a great body that I like and 2) once people become fat or chubby, 99% of the time they never look the way they used to look. I really don't want that to happen to my girlfriend.

 

so people... how do I tell her that I want her to maintain her good body? she's already getting some belly fat I think and I don't want it to get worse.

 

 

Shallow, shallow, shallow. I hate to tell you this but as women age, our bodies change...what was once firm can start to sag...REGARDLESS of how much we work out.

What are you going to do when she gets sick and can't work out anymore? Are you going to be one of those guys that walks away from her just because she "doesn't look the way she did when she was young?" I think if I were you, I'd be more worried about your shallow and immature thinking than I would be about your girlfriend's "body fat".

And I'm really curious as to "how great a body" you have.

[PreciousPrincess]

rub her belly and call her Buddha

 

So she can smack you upside the head and call you enlightened? Please tell me you are joking

[woebegone]

I find it interesting that I posted a thread about my boyfriend being out of shape, and I didn't get attacked for it! Yet the OP has a similar problem and he is getting a lot of negative posts. Yeah, I know, women tend to be more sensitive about this subject, but both men AND women can be out of shape, depressed, and in bad health! Men have the same right to be concerned about their girlfriends, IMO. Yes, you should love your SO unconditonally, but you should also care about their well-being.

[shes2smart]

I find it interesting that I posted a thread about my boyfriend being out of shape, and I didn't get attacked for it! Yet the OP has a similar problem and he is getting a lot of negative posts. Yeah, I know, women tend to be more sensitive about this subject, but both men AND women can be out of shape, depressed, and in bad health! Men have the same right to be concerned about their girlfriends, IMO. Yes, you should love your SO unconditonally, but you should also care about their well-being.

 

You're right, that is interesting. I didn't see your thread, but now you have me wondering if I would've responded differently since you were talking about your bf and it wasn't a guy talking about his gf.

 

I imagine that at least part of what you're seeing is due to a very long history of women being valued for/prized for/rated on their appearance, while men have tended to be rated based on their career/income.

 

Oddly enough, there have been a few threads about men being rated by career/income too lately...and the tone of responses you're getting from women on the "weight/appearance" threads are very similar to the tone of responses on threads from the men on the "career/income" threads.

 

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.......

[shikashika]

Shallow, shallow, shallow. I hate to tell you this but as women age, our bodies change...what was once firm can start to sag...REGARDLESS of how much we work out.

What are you going to do when she gets sick and can't work out anymore? Are you going to be one of those guys that walks away from her just because she "doesn't look the way she did when she was young?" I think if I were you, I'd be more worried about your shallow and immature thinking than I would be about your girlfriend's "body fat".

And I'm really curious as to "how great a body" you have.

 

Why is he shallow? I actually find this quite rude considering the OP hasn't attacked anyone!

 

I actually am worried that you might be insecure about your body because you've completely attacked a poster, calling him shallow and immature... for what reason? because he is concerned about his girlfriend's health!?!?

 

Just sitting and letting someone damage their body isn't caring either.

by the way, my mum is in her 60s and has a 6 pack... so yes, you can still look great even when much older... IF you want to and IF you want to put some effort into it.

[dkaam05]

Well personally I don't think you should tell her she needs to lose weight. If my boyfriend told me that I would kill him. Maybe there's a nicer way to put it. also you both could go grocery shopping and buy healthy food or you could cook her the healthy food.

[kmartin85]

Well personally I don't think you should tell her she needs to lose weight. If my boyfriend told me that I would kill him. Maybe there's a nicer way to put it. also you both could go grocery shopping and buy healthy food or you could cook her the healthy food.

 

i dont think he was going to tell her she needs to lose weight in those words hence the reason the title of the thread was "HOW DO I tell me gf she needs to lose weight."

[PreciousPrincess]

Why is he shallow? I actually find this quite rude considering the OP hasn't attacked anyone!

 

I actually am worried that you might be insecure about your body because you've completely attacked a poster, calling him shallow and immature... for what reason? because he is concerned about his girlfriend's health!?!?

 

Just sitting and letting someone damage their body isn't caring either.

by the way, my mum is in her 60s and has a 6 pack... so yes, you can still look great even when much older... IF you want to and IF you want to put some effort into it.

 

 

I wouldn't be worried about someone you have never met....when someone posts online, he/she has to be prepared for a variety of answers. I do find it shallow and I have no problem saying so. Was there a height and weight posted by the op? Was there a write up by a medical doctor that his girlfriend was suffering from a health problem brought about by her "belly fat"? I didn't see one. Hence the shallow comment.

There is a healthy balance. Weight is just a number. There are some people who are obese who are actually healthier than their skinny counterparts just because their genes are better.

I'm glad your Mom has a 6-pack. I could infer/assume a lot of things about you just by that statement alone....as you questioned whether or not I'm insecure about my own body because I called the OP shallow and immature. I could infer your mom is obsessed with weight and that she could have passed that along to you. Maybe one of those mom's that was always telling you not to eat that or you would get fat. But I don't know you. So I won't make that assumption....these are just words on a screen, ma'am!

[kmartin85]

Just out of curiosity...I wonder if the people that are having a problem with this post are people that have/had weight issues now or in their past? I am not saying anyone on here is overweight or fat so please dont assume that. I am just wondering if some people who are heavier are having a problem with this thread because they think the same about themselves?

[PreciousPrincess]

Nope. I find we are a society obsessed with appearances and women have far more pressure to look a certain way. Men spend copious hours viewing porn and air brushed models and expect their women to look like that. There was a time in our society where a little bit of curves and body fat was considered a sign of wealth and affluence.

Ever sit in a 12-step group for wives of porn addicted husbands? Or with a group of women who have eating disorders because they bought into the tripe that one has to be a size 4 to be beautiful. I've just heard enough in the past 16 years to form a very negative opinion about men who complain when someone has a little belly fat or their sop gains a few pounds. True clinical obesity is a completely different story but that's not what the op was getting at. True beauty radiates from the inside anyway.

[shikashika]

toi me, this has nothing to do with your comment toward the OP, calling him shallow and immature.

 

Of course beauty radiates form the inside, but beauty also radiates from someone eating well and exercising. When the OP said that his girlfriend has trouble with endurance, that to me is cause for concern.

 

I don't think people can just sit and get fat and say "Its whats on the inside that counts'

 

People are happier and feel better about themselves, when they eat well and do daily physical activity.. its a fact!

[PreciousPrincess]

toi me, this has nothing to do with your comment toward the OP, calling him shallow and immature.

 

Of course beauty radiates form the inside, but beauty also radiates from someone eating well and exercising. When the OP said that his girlfriend has trouble with endurance, that to me is cause for concern.

 

I don't think people can just sit and get fat and say "Its whats on the inside that counts'

 

People are happier and feel better about themselves, when they eat well and do daily physical activity.. its a fact!

 

 

I addressed your previous post in a different post, #58 on my screen. The post you just quoted was in response to Kmartin85's question.

The same OP also posted about being attracted to someone else in another thread

[BeStrongBeHappy]

the OP says: 'But if I can prevent her from getting overweight when she's got an amazing body, should I try?'

 

You keep referring to her 'amazing body' over and over again... but get that it's HER body... maybe the few pounds doesn't bother her at all, or she likes some curves.

 

Is she really eating more, or are you just focusing on what she eats in hopes of controlling that so her looks stay the way you want them to stay.

 

But it comes back to this: if looks and even a few extra pounds are something you can't accept on a girlfriend, then tell her about it. but be prepared for lots of alternatives, including her saying, 'you've got to be kidding'... i know plenty of girls who will dump a guy if he mentions a small weight gain, because it means what he really wants is her 'amazing body', and isn't cutting her any slack as a person.

[TANKGRL]

I completely agree with you!!!!

[Mavis VDSande]

I asked the OP whether he was concerned with her eating habits, rather than her belly fat. And it seems he is - eating habits can be a reflection of someone's state of mind - so it's not always about making sure you're fat or thin, more that you're in a happy place and that you don't have any eating issues. For the OP - if you're encouraging her to go to the gym with you, go with her and work out with her. Make meals together and have treats together. But don't pressure her into doing more than she can take - everyone has their own fitness level, if you pressure her she'll feel worse for letting you down when she needs a break. Also when you start exercising a lot you need more fuel, so she may eat more. Just ensure that she's being healthy and that YOU'RE joining in with her health, rather than being on the sidelines almost being critical of her.

 

For me I feel that it is my responsibility to let my bf know if he's being too thin (he is tall and skinny and sometimes loses a lot of weight under stress or pressure), not in the sense that I hate the way he looks, but in the sense that I am concerned about his state of mind, I would cook for him, encourage him to do some exercises with me and support him in feeling good about himself.

 

It's the same with my sister - she is overweight. Very. But her husband does nothing but bake chocolate cakes for her daily - this isn't good because on the one hand he IS loving her unconditionally and that's great, but on the other hand, the doctors have told her that she's too overweight to be able to have children - and right now they want to start a family. But because he's not that focused on what she's eating, and he's fairly slim, he does nothing to support her, she continues to buy junk using the excuse "it's for him, not me!" and because they live together there's no discipline or regime to encourage her.

[metalblade]

I think it's good that he wants to nip this problem in the bud before it becomes out of control.

I think she will thank him for it later as well.

I gained more than 100 pounds when I had my son. I WISHED to GOD that my husband would have had the presense of mind to suggest a nightly walk or hiking trips before I got that out of hand.. Instead, I ended up wighing in at about 260 lbs!! Before my pregnancy, I was a happy, healthy, active 140 lbs (I'm 5'9")

My son is now 7 and I've lost 60 of it, but still struggle to lose the rest. I wish someone would have been there to encourage me to get more active once I'd started to put on the pounds. Now, since the extra weight has been there for so long, it's much harder now to shed it despite the fact I don't even overeat!!

It's a lot more reversable and controllable if you catch it in the early stages before you wind up 80 lbs overweight and then the weightloss is such a monumental task that you're too discouraged to try cause you know it'll be at least 3 or 4 months of HARD work till you see noticeable results!!

10, 15, even 20 lbs is next to nothing to lose and you see the results right away. Good to catch it early.

 

also, the poster just above me made a great point..

Weight fluctuations arent' always a result of overeating or lack of exercise. they can be triggered by emotional issues as well. I know I tend to gain weight when I'm unhappy (as demonstrated by the 30 lbs I gained in my last relationship.. ) Even if your diet and exercise regimen remain the same, emotional issues can sabotage even the best of efforts and cause a person to either drop too much wieght or pack on the pounds for no apparent reason, then once the issue is resolved, the body miraculously just goes back to normal on its own.

Maybe something's bothering her.

[Gath]

if instead of gaining weight she didn't bathe for weeks on end looked like she crawled out of the gutter, would he just have to accept it as well? for better or worse how we appear has a significant affect on how we interact with people.

 

If what attracted you to someone in the beginning suddenly changes, your attraction to that person will usually diminish. from my own experience, trying to ignore this will only lead to the relationship ending in a painful fashion when one person can no longer ignore the difference in the person they originally pursued, and the person they now know.

[TheFoglifter]

The real question here is whether or not she does or does not have a problem with it. Yes, a girl who spends her single life eating carrot sticks and yogurt to snag a man will want to relax a bit.

 

For this to work though, you BOTH have to compromise. You may have to accept that she is going to "relax" a bit, but at the same time, you shouldn't have to put up with relationship bait n' switch.

 

However, it is almost certain that if you yourself say anything related to this issue, you will get a negative response. This isn't because you are being mean or lying, it is because you are her boyfriend. If she believes (and as you see many of the females here asserting) that you should love her regardless of what she looks like, then she is only going to assume you are a hypocritical man-pig who expects her to maintain her body for life, lest you leave her.

 

For the time being, you have to put aside the reasonable expectation that she not blimp up just because she's got you. She needs to work too. I bet if you let yourself go completely, she'd have something to say.

 

The BEST thing to do is enlist a friend or someone else to act as the messenger. It just plain can't be you, I'm sorry.

 

You could sneakily try to plan some activities that involve more exercise (skating, hiking, sailing, whatever...), and that may help out somewhat.

 

If she starts getting negative about herself though, but does nothing to fix it, then you have nothing to lose and might as well blurt out something like "why do I have to pay because you don't want to work out". Trust me, once they get into a cycle of "I hate myself, but not enough to change", there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Better to make your hit and get out than get dragged along for the ride.

[markfromark]

How does the old saying go:

 

When women get married they hope they can change (improve) their spouse,

when men get married they hope their spouses never change.

 

People (men) are very visual. A lot of us work in industries that cater to this need of ours: to be attractive or be with attractive people. The entire TV/movie/fashion/magazine/car/vacation industry is based on that.

 

My eyes are always rolling when I hear that 'love them for who they are and not for how they look'. Sure, that would be nice if we could do that but we still have eyes and we still recognize what appears attractive to us or what does not. And it does usually not change over the lifespan, just ask a 70 year old what he thinks about that 27 year old hottie accross the street.

 

When people do not take care about themselves physically then they also signal their partner that s/he is not worth it to put any effort into their appearance or health. I think that change of attitude is even more demoralizing than just gaining a few pounds.

 

Ever wonder why couples in their forties or later either have a much reduced frequency of sex, or always in the dark, or only when drunk?

 

Isn't there even a saying like "a light switch is an instrument of instant beautification"?

[gigi1978]

Man just love your girl no matter what ..If you think her weight is an issue then work out with her ...

[CelesteSeven]

uhh... yeah.

you sound like my boyfriend!

I'm not fat either. My weight stays somewhere between 100 and 110lbs... generally never exceeding that. And I'm 20.

 

Needless to say, I'm pretty thin except for that belly fat! I have juuuuuust a little bit. But look around... except for those women who work out like there's no tomorrow, you'll notice MANY girls with that belly fat.

 

Want to know why? Babies! We have babies and our bodies make an insolation for those babies.

 

I weigh so little and I can't get rid of that!

 

My boyfriend said something about it in bed, but he complimented it. And I STILL took it the wrong way. Because he's a clever guy and I'm a clever gal and I thought he was just trying to be clever and bring it to my attention while putting a positive spin on it so I would notice it, be bothered by it, and lose it and all of this without being his fault!

 

If your girl isn't very clever, then compliment it. Trust me, she'll still feel like crap about it.

But she already knows she has it. Don't worry about that! Girls know.

 

But even though my boyfriend did that in a NICE way, I lost 2 nights of sleep, cried for a long time, and felt like the MOST UNATTRACTIVE person in the whole entire world. I also managed to stop eating for a few days too.

 

And this is with a COMPLIMENT.

 

If she's got a great body, she's probably not going to lose it due to belly fat. No offense, but take a look in the mirror and try to see what's wrong with you. You probably have imperfections of your own that she doesn't voice.

[AusTrist]

Yeh like wot others have said just ask her to join you in regualr physical activity dont even mention her chubbines and ul be fine. You both can get fit together and have fun at the same time.

[starscollide]

Suggesting that weight loss is a pre-requisite to feel better about oneself is also questionable. Part of raising self-esteem is to be able to accept and love ourselves as we are, where we are, unconditionally. To say "I can love myself, treat myself with kindness and respect ONLY when certain conditions are present" is self-defeating and actually tends to lower one's self-esteem.

 

As I've experienced myself and seen first hand in many others I've known through recovery -- nagging, shaming, blaming, berating and scaring people in an attempt to make them lose weight does not work in the long term. It might have an effect in the short term, but it will come at a cost...most likely to their mental health, and, depending on how far they go to their physical health.

 

 

I was browsing this thread and hadn't planned on replying, but this definitely caught my attention. Everything about that, in MY opinion, is so true! I'm 5'7" and I fluctuate between 135 and 140, I'm active, fit, and it took a long time to get there. When I was in high school, I starved myself to fit the "look" and was 112 at my lowest. My first boyfriend was aware of my eating disorder, and on our first date he asked, "When you were starving yourself, did you have a six pack?" He was completely serious and would continue to make comments about my abs, such as, "It would be so hot if you had abs like mine!" He was tall, very thin, and also very lean with decent amount of muscle tone. I met him right when I was on Welbutrin (an anti-depressant that made me gain a ton of weight when combined with birth control), and over the course of our 10 1/2 month relationship, I dieted and exercised daily to maintain my health, but also my appearance. Now, I'm normal weight, all my levels are normal, and I'm comfortable in my own skin. But having other people tell you when to lose weight, what needs "work", and what you should eat doesn't always have the effect you want it to.

[servedcold]

Maybe a little too much righteous indignation in this thread, IMO, nothing wrong at all with getting annoyed if your SO lets themselves go some physically and it annoys you. The wrong would be in letting it stew and bother you, creating a true relationship issue, instead of seeking advice about sensitive ways to address it here. You did the right thing.

 

Simple answer, start doing more physical things together, as others have said, without being obvious. If she is living a truly healthy lifestyle, and getting lots of exercise with good diet, and you still notice the belly, -then- start examining what is truly important to you and if your priorities are in the right place...

[bighair]

Oh my god, you guys, this thread was INTENSE. Really, really intense.

 

I was in an LTR for 7 years (as I've mentioned time and again) and my ex was naturally slim. I exercised regularly to maintain my weight and I am not a skinny girl. I like my body and my ex liked the way I looked. My ex stopped drinking soda and started using egg substitutes when we were dating largely because I thought it was better for him/us. He always told me I looked good no matter how much my weight fluctuated. He didn't have a weight problem but sometimes he would develop a little something around the middle. I wanted him to join the gym I belonged to but he preferred to bike, run, etc...My ex and I broke up because we didn't share the same relp goals, it wasn't about weight or eating habits.

 

I am saying that it is important that partners take care of one another. I guess what concerns me about the OP is that he is so worried he is going to get stuck with a fat girlfriend, and what that would mean for him, his feelings, his needs. I mean.. come on dude, a little belly fat? Is that a huge problem? If you cannot accept this imperfection and are so dissatisfied, I think you have to ask yourself why you're so hung up on it.

 

Good luck on telling her about the belly fat. I think she will kill you. REally, I think she will kill you after she sobs, looks at herself naked in the mirror and then tell all her girlfriends that her awesome BF is having a nervous breakdown over her belly jelly.

 

Many here have advised you to get her to exercise more, and get her involved in more physical activity. I hope you can say that to her without making her feel like a golden retriever that just needs a good run in the park.

 

Explore your own feelings first and ask yourself why the jelly belly has caused you to post on ENA. Men really don't understand how much pressure there is on women to look a certain way. I don't want to sound like a feminist madwoman, but women really receive messages from every direction that being thin is the way to get a man, to succeed, to be happy...blah blah blah...

 

Good luck. YOu're going to need it.