How do I tell my girlfriend she needs to lose some weight?

[anggrace]

My ex once impied that I would look much better if I lost my chub around the waist. He supposedly loved my figure, but still had to bring up that it was changing a bit. It gave me insight to how it would be in the future. He obviously put too much concern into my figure and I could only imagine how it would be down the road when I aged even more. The wrinkles, the saggyness, the many changes I would eventually go through. I left him for other reasons, but will never forget that. And by the way, my weight fluxuates all the time. Its definatly not true that if someone begins to gain weight, its all downhill. Thats just silly.

[shikashika]

No...you and shikashika ... IMHO are wrong. It's like someone else said....jsx...what if your GF said you had a small penis and dont please her? What if she said you're fat? What if she said you have a lousy job and make diddly squat? What if she said you're ugly? I mean really.......you're supposed to LOVE them for them...not for what they LOOK like. LOOKS are temporary and LOOKS can change. I think jsx & shikashika are full of themselves.

 

Where exactly in my post do you believe I'm 'wrong' about?

 

How do you mean looks are temporary? We will always have a 'look'.

 

How am I full of myself? Please elaborate on this.

 

Someone wrote a post asking for advice and I gave a post with some informative advice.

 

this has nothing to do with a small penis..

 

Truth is people CAN change their fat content if they want to.. Some have to work 10x as hard to get the same results..( believe me I know!!!! )

 

Neither jsx or I said anything rude. What is rude is telling me and jsx that we are full of ourselves when we both gave supportive advice on how to live a healthier lifestyle!

 

If people are not interested in working out or eating healthy that is fine, but I think society just hasn't come around to ebing able to say out loud that people are fat or unhealthy.

 

It wasn't that long ago that peopel could smoke anywhere... now, its completely acceptable to tell people that smoking is a dirty disgusting habit. The same goes for people who are overweight.

 

As the op said, it doesn't seem like his girlfriend is making any effort. It may mean they are not compatible.

 

I know I would not be with someone who was active as about 3 hours of my day are spent doing physical activity. There are plenty of guys who share my views and passion for being physically active, s o of course I'm going to want to be with them... and be more compatible with them.

 

no one ever said to say "you're fat!... lose weight!" but since being healthy is such an important part of my life, i would want to be with someone who made that effort too. If not, he may be a great guy or friend, but just not compatible for a relationship.

 

 

You said 'looks can change'.. Of course they can. If she wants to, his girlfriend could tidy up her eating habits and do some exercise.... *IF* she wants to.....

[Bren402]

Being overweight isn't necessarily exclusive to not exercising and eating junkfood. Many people are predestined by nature (parents) to store fat in certain places, no matter how much they exercise, or how healthy they eat. I've been skinny all my life, and now putting on some belly fat, no matter how many situps I do. My mother was the same way. A lot of it is hereditary.

[shes2smart]

Being overweight isn't necessarily exclusive to not exercising and eating junkfood. Many people are predestined by nature (parents) to store fat in certain places, no matter how much they exercise, or how healthy they eat. I've been skinny all my life, and now putting on some belly fat, no matter how many situps I do. My mother was the same way. A lot of it is hereditary.

 

Amen.

 

Repeated dieting can also cause weight gain in the long run. Your body starts to become more efficient at storing fat in preparation for the next "famine." It has no idea you cut back on your intake intentionally.

[shikashika]

Being overweight isn't necessarily exclusive to not exercising and eating junkfood. Many people are predestined by nature (parents) to store fat in certain places, no matter how much they exercise, or how healthy they eat. I've been skinny all my life, and now putting on some belly fat, no matter how many situps I do. My mother was the same way. A lot of it is hereditary.

 

this is true.. I just have to work twice as hard to get if off as most people it seems!!

 

but Brendan... no amount of situps are going to get rid of belly fat... gotta do a certain type of cardio, early in the morning, with high intensity intervals, make sure the diet is tweaked and heavy weight lifting sessions in the pm..

 

We are not all made equal and some people literally have to do 4 times as much and be 1000000 times more careful with what they eat to get the same effect or result.

[kmartin85]

then work out with her. a lot of people gain weight when they get comfortable in a relationship. instead of going out to eat and a movie, try going for a walk or hiking, or bycycling and so on

[d24]

all these self-righteous people here saying "if you loved her you'd love her no matter how fat she gets" are partly true, but partly living in a dream world or utopia.

 

My girlfriend has put on over 3 stone since we met and I am no longer physically/sexually attracted to her. This has affected simple things like how often we sleep together, what kind of clothes she wears and how proud I am to walk around holding her hand. In a way, I am ashamed to say that because she has put on so much weight I may actually love her less.

 

If she lost the weight I know I would be attracted to her again and those little problems like our sex life would sort itself out, and we'd be happy again.

 

So yes - it's very important to nip this in the bud. As yet I don't know how. I can't tell her without hurting her feelings and that's the last thing I want to do - despite what I've written I do love her.

[shes2smart]

all these self-righteous people here saying "if you loved her you'd love her no matter how fat she gets" are partly true, but partly living in a dream world or utopia.

 

Nope. Just dealing with peole who value different things and have different priorites.

 

During the time I was with my college bf (7 years) I went from a size 11 at my smallest to a size 22 at my largest, and eventually settled into a size 18 post-recovery. During that time he never once gave me reason -- in his words OR actions -- to think he found me less attractive/desirable during that entire time. His main concern was that I was able to find a way to have a peaceful relationship with food & eating and that I be comfortable in my own skin.

 

When we split it was mutual and had nothing to do with weight and appearance.

 

As this current run of "my gf is gaining weight threads" has shown me, I've had the great good fortune to be involved with men who have valued me more for who I am than what size I am.

[d24]

you may be a fantastic person, and i may be extremely attracted to your personality and be deeply in love with you. but at the end of the day if i am no longer sexually or physically attracted to you then our relationship would suffer.

that's the long and short of it.

Personally I thought my girlfriend was extremely attractive at a size 16, but at a size 22 I am not attracted. I'm not shallow - it's just a physical chemical reaction to another person's body. I'd feel equally unattracted if she became a size zero (8?). All credit to your bf who loved you regardless of your size - but was he attracted to you throughout - who knows but him?

my gf cried when she could no longer buy clothes from topshop (they dont cater for bigger sizes) and i know she knows that she'd feel emotionaly better and more attractive (to me and herself) if she could lose the weight. sadly it leads to binge eating which has the reverse effect.

[shes2smart]

We are not all made equal and some people literally have to do 4 times as much and be 1000000 times more careful with what they eat to get the same effect or result.

 

And some of us have decided that we'd rather focus our time, energy and attention on other things rather than be 1000000 more careful and do 4 times as much to maintain a certain weight/appearance.

 

If that's what you choose for yourself, that's cool. But please don't assume that fat automatically equals unhealthy. You cannot judge someone's health, dietary habits and exercise habits based solely on their appearance. What matters in terms of determining someone's health are their blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar.

 

People have looked at me and assumed I spend my free time sitting on the couch, stuffing my face with Chee-tos and watching Oprah. They'd be wrong on all three counts and seem surprised when I talk about going to workout 3-4x a week or going to my yoga class...and if they get a chance to see what food choices I make over a period of time, they're surprised at the lack of snack foods/fast food in my food choices. I have had people remark how they're surprised I'm not thinner after they get a closer look at my lifestyle.

 

Why am I not thinner? Far as I can reckon, there are 2 main reasons:

 

1. I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I was diagnosed when I was 27.

 

2. Because of all the hard-core, screwy dieting I did in my late teens and 20's, I set up a condition where my body has become very efficient at storing fat. This is common in people who dieted frequently.

 

I cannot fight those things without causing a great deal of harm and mental anguish to myself. So, instead, I did the task of learning to accept what is and doing the best I can to take care of myself -- physically, mentally & emotionally.

 

When there are people who would judge and make incorrect assumptions and then treat you poorly/rudely due to your size, I would suggest to you that what I have chosen is no less difficult than someone who chooses to work 4 times as hard and be 1000000 more careful about what they eat to maintain a certain weight.

 

The difference is I have had much more success in what I have chosen than I would have had I put my time, effort and attention to the other option.

[shes2smart]

Well, if our sex life was any indication, then his attraction to me never waned through thick, thin or in between. As I said -- in his words and actions, there was never any reason to doubt him, and I'm slightly annoyed that you would try to suggest otherwise (as highlighted in your post). Just because you would react differently doesn't mean all men would react like you. I'm well aware they wouldn't all react like him, but perhaps someone else reading this thread would like to know that men like him DO exist.

 

Suggesting that weight loss is a pre-requisite to feel better about oneself is also questionable. Part of raising self-esteem is to be able to accept and love ourselves as we are, where we are, unconditionally. To say "I can love myself, treat myself with kindness and respect ONLY when certain conditions are present" is self-defeating and actually tends to lower one's self-esteem.

 

As I've experienced myself and seen first hand in many others I've known through recovery -- nagging, shaming, blaming, berating and scaring people in an attempt to make them lose weight does not work in the long term. It might have an effect in the short term, but it will come at a cost...most likely to their mental health, and, depending on how far they go to their physical health.

[d24]

I'm slightly annoyed that you would try to suggest otherwise (as highlighted in your post). Just because you would react differently doesn't mean all men would react like you. I'm well aware they wouldn't all react like him, but perhaps someone else reading this thread would like to know that men like him DO exist.

 

My sincerest apologies I never meant to insinuate that - only that we never truly know what anyone is thinking except ourselves. there are men who are attracted to a variety of different builds, heights, etc... and I am aware of this.

 

i agree it is about loving yourself and being happy with who you are. another very big turn-on is confidence - and if you're confident in your skin it can be very attractive. I would however like to dispute your point about weight with a simple example - EVERY woman alive will at some point attempt to (or at least consider) lose weight for her wedding day to look better in the photos and make herself feel and look better. this proves that weight is a confidence factor. i never said it was a pre-requisite.

 

 

Again - the question still remains - how can you tell your partner they need to lose weight (for fear of the adverse affects it has on you or them or the 'us' factor). Answer: it's all about how confident they are and whether or not they are insecure about it.

[shes2smart]

My sincerest apologies I never meant to insinuate that - only that we never truly know what anyone is thinking except ourselves. there are men who are attracted to a variety of different builds, heights, etc... and I am aware of this.

 

It's ok, we're cool.

 

i agree it is about loving yourself and being happy with who you are. another very big turn-on is confidence - and if you're confident in your skin it can be very attractive. I would however like to dispute your point about weight with a simple example - EVERY woman alive will at some point attempt to (or at least consider) lose weight for her wedding day to look better in the photos and make herself feel and look better. this proves that weight is a confidence factor. i never said it was a pre-requisite.

 

Gotcha. It is a common misconception (and selling point for many commercial diet programs) that losing weight is going to somehow magically transform every aspect of a person's life. My experience with dieting was, yeah, I lost weight, I was smaller, I could buy smaller/cuter clothes...but I was still the same me inside with the same fears, issues, insecurities, etc....but now with the added pressure of "oh my god, I have to keep the weight off." Not fun. And I'm not arrogant enough to think I'm the only woman who's had that reaction upon losing weight.

 

Again - the question still remains - how can you tell your partner they need to lose weight (for fear of the adverse affects it has on you or them or the 'us' factor). Answer: it's all about how confident they are and whether or not they are insecure about it.

 

Well, like I said to the OP several pages and several hundred keystrokes ago, if he really feels he has to bring it up, he'd best tread very carefully, and consider the possible effects/reactions this topic could spark before he says anything.

 

We don't know his gf. Who knows? She might take it well, it might be no big deal to her. But I don't think it's wise to assume that she's gonna be 100% ok with it, and he needs to have some idea what he's going to do if it doesn't go well.

 

Had a bf said that to me in my 20's, I either would've gone on a massive binge/compulsive exercise cycle or simply stopped eating. I'm sure he wouldn't want to put his gf through that kind of hell...I'm sure any guy who really cared about a gal wouldn't want to put her through that.

 

At the same time, I question if any of these guys who've posted threads like this consider that reaction (starving, compulsive exercising) as an option to what they may feel is a relatively harmless observation.

 

Now that's it's behind me, I don't have a problem discussing my eating disorder and related issues. When those things were active, I was super vigilent about hiding them (as are most folks with an active eating disorder). I was actually living with my college bf for about 6 months before he realized that I had an eating disorder -- this was after 2 years of dating prior to moving in.

 

So, yeah, she might be ok with it...but what if she's been hiding her own eating/body image issues and this sparks something horribly wrong? These guys need to know that IS a possibility and they need to be prepared to deal with it if it happens.

[kmartin85]

I am a woman and I agree with this. Yes you should love someone for their personality traits, but the initial attraction is purely physical. So I would have to agree that if I gained quite a few pounds my boyfriend probably would not be as attracted to me as he was. It's human nature.

[Showstopper]

This 'ignorance is bliss' advice is nonsense.

 

Nowhere has this guy said that he wants his GF to look like Kate Moss. He just wants to help her get back to where she was - naturally - before the weight gain.

 

If my GF told me that I was not sexually satisfying her, I wouldn't be ruined for the rest of my life. I would probably feel bad for a couple of days then I'd do whatever I could to improve my performance. It would make me a better person in the long run. I believe that humans are resilient and don't need to be sheltered (if they are sheltered, it generally works to their detriment, eventually).

 

Weight is of course a delicate issue, as has been mentioned in this thread, so tact is essential. There is undoubtedly something you can enhance about your appearance as well (i.e. lose weight, gain weight, buff-up, or even just increase your endurance). So why not offer something like: "We're definitely not in the kind of shape we were before and I miss it, we'll work out together and motivate each other."

 

If you stick to something for about three months it becomes habit and is hard to break. This includes exercise.

 

On top of that, there are evolutionary reasons why men are attracted to women of a certain appearance, it' not just societal conditioning, it's hardwired into our DNA. If she loses weight she will increase the likelihood that her BF will stay with her, and she will increase her attractiveness to other men, so that she's not trapped in a relationship due to a lack of alternatives - which, of course, is *totally* unhealthy. Being more attractive will give her a confidence boost. It's not just about him at all. In fact, she has more to gain than he does.

 

More importantly, the fact that she's gaining weight signals that she's probably engaging in some sort of unhealthy behaviour (or possible that she has an undetected medical problem). The largest gift will be in helping her to lead a healthier lifestyle.

 

In short, tell her, but tactfully (i.e. indirectly and gently), and offer a solution with it. Ignoring problems (contrary to some of the advice given here) has never helped anyone.

[TANKGRL]

Being skinny doesn't mean you're going to be healthy either. Your body has a predetermined weight that is best for its body, which means that not everyone is going to BE skinny. AND YES some people have bigger frames(bone structures) then others.

[TANKGRL]

It's pretty sad when people are so focused on their appearance they forget to live and enjoy their life. You only have ONE life and no one knows how long it will be....so focus on living. It's one thing to take care of yourself and make healthy choices but obsessing because people think that looking like a runway model is sexy is BS!! Women (MEN too and we except you even when you get those beer bellys in your thirties) come in all shapes and sizes so friggin deal with it and move on. If you are that shallow and lose love for someone because of their appearance then move on! It's not the body you should be falling in love with it's their heart and soul. If you love the body....you're in lust NOT love with them.

[shikashika]

It's pretty sad when people are so focused on their appearance they forget to live and enjoy their life. You only have ONE life and no one knows how long it will be....so focus on living. It's one thing to take care of yourself and make healthy choices but obsessing because people think that looking like a runway model is sexy is BS!! Women (MEN too and we except you even when you get those beer bellys in your thirties) come in all shapes and sizes so friggin deal with it and move on. If you are that shallow and lose love for someone because of their appearance then move on! It's not the body you should be falling in love with it's their heart and soul. If you love the body....you're in lust NOT love with them.

 

I totally agree with the fact that you said "we only have ONE life to live" That is true, so I feel I should take as good care of my body as I can, its the only body I will ever have and a lot of damage made by careless eating habits and exercise when one is young will affect the health and lifestyle of anyone.

 

 

30s is still young!!! people who get beer belllies in their thirties aren't taking care of themselves!

 

People only get beer bellies if they let them...My dad never got a beer belly and he is in his sixties! Both of my parents compete very competitively in sports and are well into their sixties, so age has nothing to do with it.

 

some people have big frames, large bones, bla bla.. but all too often its an excuse people make for not making an effort. It they are happy with how they are so be it...I just think most people don't realise that is called a work-out, because its supposed to eb tough... its WORK

 

i don't think the op is saying he wants his girlfriend to be skinny... but he said that

 

 

1. she has put on weight..

 

and when someone suggested that they do exercise, he replied that

 

2. he was worried about her endurance

 

Now that is a health issue.

 

More than anything.. i see this guy as a caring individual who wants to help his girlfriend, and its not something that should be left alone.

[TANKGRL]

I could understand there being a need for concern if she gained like 20 pounds.... but just a couple (by that I am assuming like 5lbs.) he shouldn't even say anything. As women our weight fluctuates all the time...from just gaining water weight during our periods too Holidays...being happy, being depressed... being pregnant. I think this should not even be a concern. He should worry more about her mental health. And like some previous poster said if he really has an issue with her weight suggest they walk or exercise together. He shouldn't even say he thinks or sees she's gained weight. It should be more said like I'd love to have a work out buddy or make it seem like he needs some exercise and he's like her there for support.... unless he's in tip top shape....but then he'd just ask her to be is workout buddy!

[boringname]

Just a thought for the guys who are worried about the body of their GFs (not the ones who are worried purely for their health - although I would guess that there are not so many of them). What happens when this women in the future becomes pregnant with your child and never quite regains the figure she had when you first got together?

 

Just a thought

[shikashika]

Just a thought for the guys who are worried about the body of their GFs (not the ones who are worried purely for their health - although I would guess that there are not so many of them). What happens when this women in the future becomes pregnant with your child and never quite regains the figure she had when you first got together?

 

Just a thought

 

 

this is true, However all the more reason for her to get in shape BEFORE she gets pregnant ( if she ever does).

 

Women have an easier time getting back to the shape they were before if they are in good shape before the children.

 

The girls / women I know who are in great shape bounce back to their pre-pregnancy shape much faster than the women who never did much exercise, then after the pregnancy, when they decide they want to lose it all, have a terrible time trying to lose it again.

[metalblade]

could we BEEE more self righteous?!?!?

 

I think you should suggest some outdoor activities.. Plan a hiking trip, go skating, rock climbing, whatever it is you like to do to stay in shap.. (keep away from the damned gym!!!)

 

I think you should suggest an evening walk after dinner. It will give the 2 of you a chance to catch up and talk whilst melting away extra pounds and making you both healthier physically and emotinally.

 

The thing is, physical attraction is a very biological thing and we are attracted to what we, as individuals see as a healthy person who will produce healthy offspring.

 

I think it's wrong to attack this guy because he's concerned his woman has put on weight.

 

I'm sick to death of all these women who get with a guy and 3 or 4 years later, put on 30 or 40 pounds and expect their men to still be crazy about them!! Yes, what's inside counts, but the physical attraction must be there, too. You have to have a balance!!

[boringname]

I didn't think in this case we are talking about putting on 30-40 pounds, just a few... and it has been repeatedly shown that when women are in a happy relationship they tend to put on a few pounds, probably due to the fact that occasionally their partner cooks for them and the servings tend to be a bit larger... and it is nice to go out with your partner sometimes instead of going for a run...

 

What I was commenting on is if a guy is really concerned about small differences in physique how is he going to cope with the massive changes invloved in pregnancy, which are completely normal and natural and nothing to do with a woman putting on a lot of weight.

[midnightrambler]

She isn't fat by any means, but she has a great body in my opinion and I really don't want her to lose that...

 

I recently noticed she's been gaining some belly fat... I want to tell her that she needs to lose that so it won't get any worse, but don't know how to tell her. I'll still love her regardless, but the reason I'm so scared of her becoming chubby is because 1) she's already got a great body that I like and 2) once people become fat or chubby, 99% of the time they never look the way they used to look. I really don't want that to happen to my girlfriend.

 

so people... how do I tell her that I want her to maintain her good body? she's already getting some belly fat I think and I don't want it to get worse.

 

 

 

ood luck on that one

[midnightrambler]

rub her belly and call her Buddha