Bri71569

This was a response to Michael2 but here it is for all to offer assistance with: Aren't ANY of these situations rectifiable??? I mean getting back with ex's. It seems that whenever someone looks at their own situation as "making progress" others see it as them being a doormat. Where is the positive in all this and when is a situation actually improving??? What would be considered "good steps" in the right direction? I understand no-contact, limited contact, and all, but when the ex actually makes an appearance, it seems to always be under the guise of coming back to use the person. Maybe they just want to come back but are tentative, scared, etc. They lost their relationships and dreams also. What is acceptable "return" ettiquette on the part of the ex? Do they have to beg you or something? Closure is great but do you want them coming back on hands and knees, that I think is more for our egos than an actual solution. Everyone expresses themselves differently also and we know how our ex's act better than anyone else. People do separate and get back together later on and are happier and go the distance. There must have been some initiation on SOMEONE'S part in order for that to happen without the other person being a "doormat", right? I know MY situation is a hard one, but this is actually posted for ALL of us out here. Please, any and all responses on your personal experiences. Hasn't anyone ever actually gotten back with an ex and it worked? (even if it did not "last a lifetime", I'm not talking a 2 week reconciliation, I mean something that actually went the distance the second time around) Thanks

Dear Michael2, We dated for 2 years. Broke up on New Years day. She said I did not listen or understand her. This is false. I may not have been 100% effective in understanding but I gave 110% effort. The other guy was there initially to "help" her talk her problems out about us. (yeah, they helped themselves alright) Then she fell for him. Basically everything I tried to reconciliate did not work and was eliminated on New years. But she "wants to be good friends" and she wanted people to continue to think we are seeing each other. She, as far as i know, has not let the world know of the other guy. Maybe some close girlfriends I would figure, but she must have to paint a VERY BAD picture of me for that to go over because everyone knows I was very good to her. Even too good, some say. Limited contact is the goal. I am VERY CLOSE with her children, they call me all the time and want us back together, they think mom is being stupid and selfish. Believe me I love her, but sometimes I hate her so much for being gullible and stupid and throwing this all away. It won't work with the guy in the long run, she knows this inside I think. For now its a momentary respite, some comfort and fun. She already senses the kids are negative on him (for his own interactions with them, first impressions and all). She WILL NOT admit to me that he is in the picture. She swears up and down that there is no one in her life and she is ALONE. Michael2, aren't ANY of these situations rectifiable??? I mean getting back with ex's. It seems that whenever someone looks at their own situation as "making progress" others see it as them being a doormat. Where is the positive in all this and when is a situation actually improving??? What would be considered "good steps" in the right direction? Thanks

Hi All, Here's the rundown: Friday: she calls 9:30am to say hi, I get off quick with excuse, calls 12:30pm to hang and honestly I am overjoyed and I go. Nice afternoon, Encounter ends with kiss on lips (KOL) and inquiry about spending time saturday. Saturday: All day together from 12pm to 12am, family involved also, had nice time, little tension at one point but smoothed over quickly and completely and back to good time. I think it was residual "flashback" stress from when we were dating. Ends with KOL again. Sunday: I call her to say hi. She says we can hang if I have nothing to do. We hang for 5hrs. We talk and joke, and now we start to casually flirt. She gave good compliments and we laugh about the flirting. She says she has a good time. Take her home, KOL number 3. Alright, Am I in phase 2 of "getting ex-back" or am I setting myself up for a slaughter? All this time I am wondering "where is the other guy, why are you with me all weekend, he is not out of town and is available." And no, she won't give any info as to her reasons, asking makes her defensive and she clams up. I don't know if: (A) she wants to try, (B) wants a friend (with KOL???), © or is just having difficulty/second thoughts with the "new guy" and needs a "friend" (with KOL) to hang out with. (that last statement sounded ridiculous!!!) This can't be easy for her either, can it?!? I'm being honest here, the KOL makes me feel great, as did the minor flirting which was a complete surprise and we were both VERY relaxed with it, it gives me hope that I have not been forgotten on a romantic level. What do you all think, am I heading in the right direction? B.

Take it from me, PLEASE DON'T DO IT!!!! Like others have said before me, if you look you will find SOMETHING questionable, whether it is justifiable or not. There is no feeling like looking for something and finding you worst fears. Your heart is in your throat and you feel sick. Then there is the question of how you want to proceed. Trust me, if there is something there let it come to the surface as it will "naturally", there is no sense or reason to drag yourself through the mud if your partner is doing dirt. Keep your integrity. B.

I understand what you are feeling and going through. I'm in pretty much the same situation as we "speak". You feel the need to hang on because everything is pretty much the same, or in both our cases, a little bit better except for the official title and the intimacy part. Since I'm here for advice also i may not be the best person to listen to on the matter. She sounds confused and unresolved like my ex as well. She still has very intact feelings there, they can't be turned off like a light switch. Like me, you have to decide, almost intuitively from knowing what you both shared personally, whether what she is feeling is going to just fade out or is there enough there to make things grow. And remember, it won't be the same as before, it can't be, but it can be a beautiful thing in its own right and maybe even better. It is very hard and I may not have been so helpful but its what I can offer for now. Hang in there.

Hi all, I have been keeping limited phone contact. She called me monday morning before work, and Tuesday morning she called me again but asked if I had any gas money to get her to work (she would get paid Wednesday). In my head I was like why didn't you just ask "him" the evening before when you were both at work. I gave her $10 and she was so pleased. She RARELY asks for money so I knew she really needed it. Anyway she made a off handish comment that "You can have anything you want" in return. I laughed it off in a friendly way and did not indulge any provocative conversation. Later she called me and asked if she could hang out for a little, she said she had a token of her appreciation, a scarf and hat, which she knows I need. Anyway, we hung out in the snow storm Tuesday night!!! just talking. She said she thought about me a lot at work that day. i said what about, she said "About how sweet you are." Nice. When we decide to part company she kisses me on my lips, total shock! She then calls me the next day FROM WORK to see "how I am doing". Maybe "he" wasn't at work that day. Then she calls me at 8pm last night (same day) and we have a great conversation for 45 minutes. I wonder what she is up to but I do like the fact that she has been much nicer and pleasant. What do you all think, i don't want to "snub" her with the no contact rule because she has been so pleasant, but I can't figure out what is going on. She had said she wants us to be "good friends" but a kiss on the lips?!? Am I still in some sort of triangle here? Are her feelings unresolved? Or is she trying to ease me into "Friend " mode? Thanks B.

Hi all, I have been keeping limited phone contact. She called me monday morning before work, and Tuesday morning she called me again but asked if I had any gas money to get her to work (she would get paid Wednesday). In my head I was like why didn't you just ask "him" the evening before when you were both at work. I gave her $10 and she was so pleased. She RARELY asks for money so I knew she really needed it. Anyway she made a off handish comment that "You can have anything you want" in return. I laughed it off in a friendly way and did not indulge any provocative conversation. Later she called me and asked if she could hang out for a little, she said she had a token of her appreciation, a scarf and hat, which she knows I need. Anyway, we hung out in the snow storm Tuesday night!!! just talking. She said she thought about me a lot at work that day. i said what about, she said "About how sweet you are." Nice. When we decide to part company she kisses me on my lips, total shock! She then calls me the next day FROM WORK to see "how I am doing". Then she calls me at 8pm last night (same day) and we have a great conversation for 45 minutes. I wonder what she is up to but I do like the fact that she has been muchg nicer and pleasant. What do you all think, i don't want to "snub" her with the no contact rule because she has been so pleasant. Thanks B.

Thank you all for the speedy relpies. I found the 20 rules post hilarious only because I have already broken about 15 of them. I had to laugh at myself and say "Oh thats why pleading has not worked, its all so clear" The ones I did adhear to through commom sense actually work and make small but solid differences. Since there is this other guy in the picture I don't feel I can effectively employ the NO contact rule. Diminished contact definitely, no contact would probably be suicide. What her kids (17 & 19) have told me was that they never talk on the phone more than 5 minutes, but I say thats because they work together. Also he never comes over, she always goes to visit him. He only came over one time to drop off a present for christmas. They say in four months since he has been in the picture they have not seen the relationship "grow". They know how mom acts when she has a new man in her life. She never told the oldest that we (me and her) were not seeing each other anymore. She has never asked them what they think of him or discussed his "presense", something she does as a rule with her children. She did it concerning me and others before me. I feel she is unsure where it is really going, or she feels guilty for the way things went down because everyone knows I was good to them. She has even started to "bad mouth" me in front of them, to which they secretly laugh because they know me so well. They know mom is making things up to try to make me look lessened. I can't understand why she just won't admit she has this person and really move on. It would be much easier for me, in fact I want to hear her say it. (better a honest enemy than a false friend). What can I say or do, complain? Run a guilt trip? We're past that already. She is NOT HARDLY saving my feelings this way. On the other notes I have rejoined my gym (Yay!) and have been doing a LOT of self help reading, and joined this site of course, so I will be not only OK in the long run, I will be better. Thanks, B.

Hi all, this is my first post so bear with me. We dated for 2 years, it was great most of the time. Argued at times. Worked on the same job. I left in June so that we could move forward and get married (better job, more money etc). Went to Florida in June, she never travelled and wanted to go so I took her. Left her on job with a rival that she was only friendly with. In August we started to have major tension. By September we talked less and less and argued more. We both tried to bridge the gap but things were slipping. She said I didn't understand her, didn't listen, etc. I tried hard to be understanding. By november I used her computer and realizied the guy at work had been calling her and she had been sending him romantic e-mails. Discovered she was visiting him (yes I did some investigating) When confronted she said it was to help him out. Our relationship continued to decline, I asked her to marry me on 12/21 but she refused saying why did I ask her if we were having difficulty. I said because i wanted her to know that I was serious as I always have been. I had originally planned to do it in September but couldn't afford it at that time. It was not a preventative measure. She said nothing was going on between her and the guy, she had just confided in him and he was very willing to listen and lend a supportive ear to "our problems" that she shared with him. And she says it was because of me and my jealously that "drove" them closer. Mind you this man had been after her before we even got together. She is interested in being "good friends" and she says she still loves me but doesn't want our relationship anymore because she wants to "be byherself". She calls frequently, sometimes twice in a day but will get upset if i don't have much to say to her at any given time. Her kids love me and are with me frequently ( no I am not using them as leverage, I maintained the same relationship with them as before) I have asked her blantly if she is seeing him and she says no, she is not seeing anyone, she does not want to be in another relationship, needs space etc. Unfortunately the kids inform me that she goes to his house and he calls. I told them not to relay such information anymore because its not appropriate. Here is the kicker, she asked me the day we broke up if it would be OK if she continue to let people on the job think that we are together. I agreed to that (clingy desperation). A few days later when i did say that I might mention to one person I know at work that I may tell him, she because furious and said we agreed not to. She yelled that she would tell everyone "tomorrow" and "bring full closure to everything". We still go out and she still says she loves me and that won't change. She says she can't say whether we will or will not ever get back together, but of all the men she has had relationships with, I am the only one who deserves another chance. She obviously fell for this guy while we had difficulty and I feel betrayed but I love her dearly and would take her back if she could commit 100%. (she has never been like this since I knew her) Its like she has been a totally different person since October/November. Yet when we are together alone it is just like pre September, very good, soothing, and sweet. We are not intimate but will hold hands and hug at times, usually she initiates. She constantly tells me I look nice and someone may come and snatch me up. She did question what if she comes back and I don't love her anymore. She has the ring, I never asked for it back. She does not wear it but supposedly showed it to one of our mutual friends on the job (I don't know if I necessarily believe this because he is on the job with her as well and what would that accomplish?) This is all very confusing. I want her but I don't want to be the second choice in case it fails with this other guy. I need my self respect, in my own eyes, her eyes, and the children's eyes. What do you think I should do? Please, any advice would be appreciated. B.