lostandhurt

If you are brave enough to do the cold walk up you are more than half way there to having some success but as you have read from the ladies here it is all how you go about it. Telling a 20 yr old she is hot is way different than telling a woman she is hot. If you want to compliment them do it after you have spoken a few minutes. I will give you a little secret here. Learn a little about fashion. If you tell a woman she looks great in that dress or outfit it will go way farther than a blanket "you are gorgeous or whatever. Don't overdo the compliments though, keep it simple. If you talk to much about her clothes/shoes she may think you are gay, not that straight guys can't like fashion but it is a stereotype. Practice is key. Talk to all the women you encounter throughout your day. Not just the pretty ones or your age group, all of the women. Be nice, be talkative. Ask the clerk or woman behind the counter how her day is going, mention how busy the place is and how well she handles it all. This will smooth out your conversations with women you are romantically interested in. Talk to them all like they matter and are not just a pretty face and a hot body, if you do that they will notice. Lost

I do not do likes, if I like the profile I send a message. That simple. It is good you have full body pics and don't hide anything about who you are or what you really look like. If you are getting attention it is working! The not sending out messages first is something I just don't get. You are a smart woman that knows what she wants so why leave it up to some guy to decide, take control and swing for the fences. You never know and after all it is a few key strokes with zero to lose. The one word answers and stupid 3 word messages are a waste of time and do more harm than good in my opinion. I read their profile a few times and find something interesting to message them about and I always end my message with a question to make it easy for them to reply and break the ice. Being lazy with "Hi" or Hey gorgeous" must work on some women or they wouldn't keep using it I guess. Is there a man or two you would wish would message you but haven't? Lost

Thanks but I have been down that path before where I tweaked things just to get more meets and they all failed. I know what I am looking for and what attracts me and stick with that. I am not apposed to taking a chance and have many times with half me being pleasantly surprised. For instance there is a woman I really want to message (attractive, smart, fun, close by) but reading her profile I can see her identity is wrapped up in politics. This has happened to some of my dearest friends and changed them into a very negative judgemental person that seem to be upset about something everyday. That is the opposite if what I want in my life. I could care less who someone voted for but when it becomes who they are in a negative way it isn't for me. Lost

The cold walk up is not easy these days in a non party/club/bar type scene because the women are not out looking to meet someone, they are just out and about with their noses in their phones. It doesn't mean you shouldn't chat a woman up and see if she is responsive. I do it all the time and if nothing else I have a nice talk with a woman. "It was so nice talking with you, here is my number if you would like to get a coffee and chat some more" You have to have formed some connection and seen signs she is at least somewhat interested in you though. If you have a real business card with your cell on it is the best. It shows you have a job and are willing to expose some of your information to her. Lost

I was just reading up on the "MEET" tab. Is that what you used to set this date up? Lost PS Best of luck on the date!

Match has a thing where the sender (me) can pay for each message sent to a non subscriber so they can read it. I will not be taking part in that cash grab... Lost

I was surprised how many hoops I had to jump through to sign up. It was a process which like you said weeds out scammers but it doesn't seem to weed out time wasters. No luck so far. I get a fair amount of messages from women which seems like a good thing but none are anyone I am interested in unfortunately or they are a few hundred miles away by car. I have a decent reply rate to messages I send out but the convos haven't gone very far. Lost

Day 48 I received an interesting email from Match this morning about the woman I thought looked a lot like Gal Gadot that I thought had deleted our conversation. Here is part of the email from Match. Dear Lost, At Match, we work tirelessly behind the scenes to cultivate a safe and positive experience. After all, your safety is a top priority. With this in mind, we recently discontinued Sandy’s membership due to what appeared to be fraudulent* behavior. We are notifying you because you exchanged messages with this member. I have never had this happen but it does explain why our conversation was removed. Her profile didn't seem shady and two of her pictures looked like she was posing with her daughter. Of course the pics could have been lifted from someone else's profile. She didn't ask me to wire her money or buy gift cards and send her the info but maybe we didn't get far enough into it for her to try. Anyways the new year has brought what seems to be more women to the site so I am back to searching for someone to message. Lost

Carrot, If you aren't sure and want to make sure then by all means see him again but do it for the right reasons. You are very correct that he could be much deeper than your first impressions because he was nervous so if you are attracted to him and think there is more there than meets the eye find out. But if you are trying to convince yourself to see him again when you know deep down he is not the guy for you then you need to remember he is human and has feelings too so tread carefully. Dating is all about learning and being surprised by the things that transpire while you are looking for someone to share your life with. As you go along your ideas, preferences, likes or dislikes may change or soften which is perfectly okay because you change as well. This is where none of us can help you because the lessons have not been learned yet. Your presumptions turned out to be very accurate which is good so you know to trust your gut. You are doing well so keep learning and keep an open mind and you will know when it feels right. Lost

Yeah Match reminded me of that Sunday thing several times. It does look like there may be some more women in my area that have signed up. Lost

Day 46 Took a break for several days to recharge a little. The 55 year old I messaged at the end of December sent me a like 4 days after I sent the message. She is a subscriber (I checked) so I was a little confused as to why she didn't simply respond to the message so I sent her a super like that Match had been bugging me to use. That night about 1am she replied to my message and then asked how my day went so it looked promising. I responded the next morning with a nice message and figured I would get a reply. I gave it a day or so then logged in to Match to read messages two different women had sent me (not interested) and saw that she appears to have deleted the conversation. Now of course I was disappointed but I felt way more disappointment than I should have, she looks a lot like Gal Gadot so there's that that... Back to the search. I will spend some time looking through profile tonight and see what I see. Lost

Agreed. I have been guilty of the same thing and really needed to let that go. Now I try my hardest not to compare women to anyone I have dated in my past, even the ones that seemed perfect that got away. It simply isn't fair to them or me. If you are not excited about the possibility of seeing him again and are just going through the motions then please don't. Text him that it was nice meeting him but you aren't feeling the sparks you were hoping for or something along those lines. No need to get his hopes up. So as far as all those doubts you had upfront about meeting him. How many assumptions came true? Lost

First off congratulations on the birth of your baby. Secondly the baby is your first and foremost concern and all else is secondary at best. Breastfeeding does not exclude therapy and I strongly suggest you talk to your MD about halping you find a therapist asap. He didn't cheat and you know he didn't because he was open and honest from the start that he loved his friend and you chose to go along on the ride anyways. That is on you, not him. I agree with smackie that you need to tell him he is free to hang out with his friends (all of them). This will allow him to make his own choice on where he wants to be. Father to your baby or chase after his childhood crush that has been using him as a back up plan all these years. Free will is the key here, not imposed rules to keep him around. Let him show you what he wants instead of making him. Find a therapist to help you unpack all this so you can focus on being the best mommy you can. Lost

Okay this is coming from a guy that was cheated on after 20 years together. What you are doing is trying to find excuses/reasons to forgive her. She has a bad memory, she forgets dates, it was early in our relationship... You are searching for something so you can justify to yourself for forgiving her. This is not a good sign and I know because I did the same thing. Mine was: is she on drugs, is she depressed, overwhelmed with our disabled son and on and on. In the end there is no excuse for cheating or attempting to cheat as it is a clear choice they are making. It isn't a mistake, it isn't peer pressure (bad influence from friends), it isn't depression, it isn't the length of the relationship or anything else. It is a choice, one they can make or not make but it is all theirs to own. Usually in the early stages of a new relationship the honeymoon phase is going strong so the last thing you would expect is for your gf to be scrolling through dating sites, meeting men at a bar or chatting with them up online but that is exactly what she was doing. Whether or not she had sex with one or all of them doesn't matter, what matters is her actions and character. I don't see how you will ever be able to trust her again, do you? She is a mess and has no business agreeing to be exclusive with anyone in my opinion. I think you should take some more time away from her to see her for who she really is and then the decision to end this will be a lot easier. Lost

Wait what? He borrowed a sex toy? Sorry I didn't get much further into the story after that.

Fingers crossed, hope it goes wonderfully. Lost

I can see how you would want them to leave you alone and let you be who you are. I think your best defense to this is offense. Turn it back on them. "I have always supported and loved you no matter your choices in life including your sexual preference so why can't you love and support me with mine?" "I have told you numerous times I am straight so what is it about you that cannot accept me as I am?" This makes this all about them and not you which hopefully will give them a moment to pause and think what they are doing. As far as how you look that is your choice and if you feel good with it then own it as it is your life. We all make assumptions (even you) by how people look. If you saw a woman with short hair, no makeup wearing a flannel what would you think? Do you want to date and be in a relationship with a man? Lost

Are you 100% positive you were cheated on? If so you don't need someone in your life that has and will betray you. Friend or partner they are not someone you should have in your life. If you do decide to cut them loose and go NC questions might come up. Take the high road when you answer them and leave the deceit to others. Lost

This sounds like they are still a couple. Many people throw words out trying for sympathy and to initiate a response which in this case it worked. You may be sweet and like him but he has done nothing to ask you out on a date. I am sure he knows you like him and want to date him so there is no confusion on that. The fact is he would ask you out if he wants to but it seems he is hung up on his gf. Best to look elsewhere. Lost

He is with his gf and it doesn't matter what condition their relationship is in, it only matters that he is in a relationship so he is off limits. All the other stuff does not matter and frankly you shouldn't be wanting a shot at a man that is in a relationship. Nothing good will come of it. Lost

You are expecting something he is not capable of and it will not change one little thing. He is still who he is and you will still carry this hurt with you. Waiting for him to release you from all this is a fools errand. Only you can let this go and finish healing. Would an apology be nice to hear? Sure but then what? Would you magically feel better and all the hurt and memories would leave you? No it will not. There used to be someone on this forum that had a signature that said something to the affect: "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" This is harming you because you keep it alive, it is time to forget what he did and live a happy joyous life. That is the best revenge of all anyways. Lost

I see a lot more frustration in your future. It sounds like she is still learning what she likes and doesn't like and frankly she sounds a little uptight which makes it very hard to bring them to climax. It is good you want to bring her to orgasm but that shouldn't be your ultimate goal, your goal to give her pleasure and if she has an orgasm great but you aren't a failure if it doesn't happen. As far as this 90% to 10% thing that is a very bad way of looking at the intimacy between you two. First of all you both are very new to all this separately and together so relax and let it happen. Just because you are good to go right now and know how to bring yourself to orgasm doesn't mean she does. Does she touch herself? Has she ever had an orgasm? Slow way down and enjoy exploring intimacy as a couple. If you don't want to get naked and would rather go out for lunch of dinner or whatever make that clear. "Come inside" "Not right now, lets go have dinner and then we can have some fun inside" You have a voice in all this too. There is no finish line you are racing too to take your time. Lost

I agree it would be a mistake to make a rash decision but it would also be a mistake to stay if you cannot look upon her with the eyes of an adoring AND accepting partner. How would she feel if she knew you are disgusted by the person she once was and now view her as less of a person? She has changed and grown like you have and we all have. If you truly believe she is no longer that person then like I mentioned earlier this comes down to your problem, not hers. Perhaps talking to a therapist about how your mind will not let this go would help. I was once faced with something similar that had transpired years before I met her. She was taken advantage of barely into her teens and I wanted to hunt the person down and do what needed to be done. She had long gotten over it and was doing very well but somehow I made it all about me. In time I realized this very fact that it was my problem, my ego that needed soothing. I am a protector by nature but I needed to see that she didn't need my protection as it happened years and years earlier, what she did need from me was acceptance of who she is, not her past. If I could do it you certainly can but it takes a lot of self reflection and gaining knowledge of why. Why will this not leave your thoughts? Why is the past so scary? Why do you need to live in the past? Lost

Day 36 Well the 49 now 50 year old now has her profile "unavailable" and I am not sure what that means on Match but if I had to guess it is because she is seriously talking to a guy and set her profile to that or is taking a break. In the end it doesn't matter why. I was just about to suggest we talk on the phone to get to know each other better too. Oh well... The 55 year old I messaged yesterday has not been on since and I checked and she is not a subscriber. Match does free weekend things all the time like Thursday evening to Sunday but I don't know if they can read and respond to messages or if it is just a ploy to get you to sign up dangling unreadable messages in front of you. I will take a break for a few days and see if anyone new shows up in my search then. Lost

Acceptance comes to us in different ways and at different times. It is hard to let go of a dream filled with happiness. It starts with counting the minutes then days and then months since the break up and somewhere along the way a day goes by where you don't think of him and then 3 go by and before you know it you are free and start thinking of meeting someone new. Take the time you need to heal, keep friends and family close and keep that mind occupied like you have been doing and you will go from just making it day to day to actually laughing and living again. Best wishes Lost