Kolgar

Hi, bster. When I began to feel a bit suffocated, I simply rolled with the punches. I was in a relationship, and I understood that that means compromise. In other words, it entails doing things for the person you're with even if you don't always feel like doing them. But then, I would always make it a point to set aside time for myself. Maybe I'd take a night off and tell her that I was hooking up with my friends. (I did this rarely.) Mostly I took care to do things I wanted to do early in the week, when we didn't often see each other. But that was my last relationship, and it worked very well. Previous relationships weren't always so simple. When I began to feel suffocated, I think my discomfort was clear. If only the girl had cared enough to look at me, I think she would have seen it. I withdrew a little. I was less attentive. I listened less closely when we had conversations. Oh my - my friend from Australia just called - she's a cutie with a hot accent - so I'm afraid I must be going... but I'll continue this post later if I can! 8) Kolgar

I agree that even if a relationship is going well, each person still needs his or her space. In fact, having a little time and space to yourself can actually save relationships that would otherwise be in trouble. I loved being with my ex, but I too needed time to myself. Time to go out and behave like a guy - drinking and doing the James-Dean-rebel-with-a-cause thing. Sometimes I'd want my friends around; othertimes I'd just want to be alone. When I didn't get that time, I began to feel trapped, or suffocated. It made me want to get out of the relationship. There's a balance there, I think. Everyone has their own, and some aren't compatible with others. That's my take, anyway! Rob

I hope the counseling can help. But methinks you got married too early... I wish you luck. Rob

Good post, Gerhard. I agree with you completely. Myknosis, your feelings sound familiar. But take Gerhard's advice. In time, you will find happiness again. Rob

Talk about your shameless self-promotion! Kolgar

Kay, you haven't had a ton of expeience, huh? Come back in 10 years after you've seen a bit more. You may just have some scary stories to tell. By the way, being popular is nice, but it's not as important as being a good person. I hope you're that, too. Rob

You're in a hard spot there. My advice: Start looking for a new job. You'll need to get out of there - or he'll need to get out of there. Do it soon. And never, ever give up your friends for anyone else. You need your friends, and chances are if you treat them well, they'll be around a lot longer for you than any romantic relationship. It will be hard for you for awhile. Especially seeing him and being around him so much - it will be hard to stop having feelings for him. But I think that's best, so the sooner you can free yourself, the better. It's time for you to move on. Rob

Five inches, Kay? Maybe you should invest in a toy? Rob

Lovelost, I'm not sure I'd believe him. You raise a good question: WHY does he need to be such good friends with his exes? Friendship can turn into love, but the reverse? It hardly works that way, unless they're still "boinking friends." You said he lies to you about how often he talks with them. That couldbe because you handle the topic poorly. Or it could also be a symptom of his problem: He's a liar and a cheater. Unfortunately, it could be either of these scenarios. You will have to make up your mind which it is. Do your friends know him? What to they think? You will need to be very objective in your analysis of this, or find and talk to people who are. Good luck, Rob

Some famous quotes about love and marriage: Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. --King Vidor I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner The cure for love is marriage, and the cure for marriage is love again. --Unknown Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts. --Jeff Foxworthy If there were something called Marriage Reserve, I'd sign up for it in a heartbeat. That way I could sleep with other women on one weekend each month and two weeks in the summer, and my wife couldn't do crap about it. --Mike Wilson If you have it [love], you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have. --Sir James M. Barrie Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. --Matt Groening Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out. --Michel de Montaigne I think, thereforeeeeeee I'm single. --Lizz Winstead Rob

Stop being played by him and move on. I think he's "doing it" with the other girl(s), and it seems he's already moved on from you. Except you're still around to give him a little of the good stuff, which may be enough to keep him around for now. Whatever the case, he's only looking out for #1, and you're only going to get hurt in the process. By the way, you're too young to be thinking about marriage. Wait until your late 20s or early 30s and see if you still think it's a good idea. I'm not sure that it is. Good luck, Rob

Call her. Give it another try. You'll find out soon if she's interested or not. Just be prepared to do the brave thing and face the truth if she's not. Little hint: Some girls who like you seem to show more interest if you show less interest. So don't be afraid to let her chase you a little, too. If she doesn't, you may have your answer! Rob

I think you need to talk to her. Tell her what you've told us: She needs to cool it. If she's incompatible with you sexually, that's a legitimate reason why things might not work out. But it seems she may also be selfish (or "needy," as you so diplomatically put it) in other ways as well. It's not all about her, and she needs to understand that. So tell her that what she's doing is pushing you away. Tell her you're telling her this to help the both of you. Unless you know in your heart that it's over anyway, that you've lost interest and nothing she can do will bring it back. Then bow out gracefully, and again, just tell her the truth. I know you won't like to hear this, but you're young and the world is full of new women and new experiences just waiting for you. Learn from this one and enjoy. Good luck, Rob

Wrong. That is a myth, and absolutely not true. Ask your doctor if you don't believe me. So what will happen next? You'll have to wait and see. Everyone is different, and even looking at your father and others in your family is no way to tell for sure. Oh, by the way, Babes, I have a goatee. Rob

Thank you for the reply. I'm pleasantly surprised by your idea of being "married" without actually being joined legally. A "Ceremony of Love" is a sweet idea, I think, and it's actually a whole lot more honest than today's marriages, where people stand up in front of hundreds of others at a wedding they spent way too much on and make a promise that most people simply aren't capable of keeping. What's with all the bullsh*t? Why not keep it simple, and let love take center stage. I guess most of us have been raised with the idea that marriage is something we're all supposed to do, and the bigger the ring and cake and fancier the dresses, the better. I think all that fluff takes away from the true meaning of the day - from the one thing that really counts - and that is the love shared by the people being joined. As for being "joined," who said that was healthy anyway? I'm my own person. I don't want to be "one" with anybody else. Why would I? If I love someone, I love them for who they are, and I don't want to reprogram them into something else, or cramp their style so they're no longer free to do the things they enjoy. That's where I get frustrated: Men and women have sex because it's the natural (and only!) way to propagate the species. We're built with sex drives and chemical reactions that give us emotions of attraction. So what do we do? We give this emotion a name, "love," and invent an institution that binds us together forever, marriage. Is THAT natural? I think not. Whoever said that's the way it should be? We're just animals with big brains, trying to ensure the survival of our species. But thanks in part to those big brains, we thought about it a little too much and turned this natural process into a big, romantic centerpiece with an unnatural bent. I don't think human beings are built to spend their entire lives with just one person. With a divorce rate of more than 50%, the statistics seem to agree. Because I'll bet there's at least another 15 or 20% of marrieds who are miserable and only staying together because of kids, or because they're afraid of the financial devastation and social stigma of divorce. As I said before, it doesn't seem like a good bet to me. Not when I know that life can be so unpredictable. Not when I know that all anyone can really promise is today, because people change and people can grow apart. "Love" is an emotion, and we all know emotions can change. For those of you who are married and happy, I salute you. I envy you, even. Because you did the thing that society approves of, and it worked. You beat the odds, and it would seem that you are very lucky. In the words of Bill Cosby, "For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked." As for me, I'll continue to grapple with my quandary and see where it goes. I think I know the answer - I think I've known it all along, but my feelings for her have made me soft. Love really is an obsessive delusion. Rob