bster

Thank you all for replying to my thread. It's been a while since I last posted, so I thought of putting some updates... I have been making myself busy by doing "anything but NOT involving him" as su8260 suggested. Everytime I found myself reaching the phone, I called someone else. I survived a whole week without calling him. ...and guess what... he CALLED! As much as I was angry and sad that it took him so long to suddenly remember I even exist, I did my best to sound happy. He asked what I've been up to, so I told him I've been busy at work but catching up with some old friends (which I did on the phone!) so my days had been pretty productive. He said he'd been busy at work, too, then he goes "Do you wanna catch up tonight?" It wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but I said, "I'd love to" in an exciting tone, then he finally said, "I really missed you"... That's what I wanted to hear!!! So far, so good. But I'm little nearvous right now. I can fool myself on the phone, but I don't know if I can "act" happy in person... Anyway, I'll see what happens and will update you on that. By the way, to "KOLGAR", when you began to feel trapped or suffocated, what did you do? In another word, in your opinion, are there any signs indicating that a guy is itchy to get out? Meantime, anyone else in a similar situation wanna share your experience?

i'm not him so what i think may be wrong, but you posted this 'cuz you wanna know what other ppl think, so here i am... i think he's confused 'cuz he either met someone else or just find other girls attractive. he needs some time off so he can find out how it goes with whoever he want without feeling guilty to you. it does NOT mean he will do it, but he wanna make himself available if a situation arise. i give this guy a credit for at least trying to avoid cheating on you behind your back. i'm sure he loves you, and that's why he's telling you "how" he feels - you just don't understand it 'cuz he's not telling you "why" he feels that way. if you firmly believe you two are good together, and he truly loves you and enjoys being with you, your relationship is not over yet provided that he is due to come back to where you are eventually. You just need to accept the time off and stop calling. you two were happly together for 3 years without any other major problems, right? believe that he will miss you and come back to you. it may take a couple months, but after he tastes other flavours, he realize that you are so much better. it must be hard to deal with a situation when your the other half is miles away from you. but be strong!

su8260, WOW! What a great insight!! I knew some of you are talented here... (I'm really impressed!) Most of the things you said is true... I was a real challenge to start with - not 'cuz I tried to play "hard to get", but 'cuz I like to take things slow. Acutally, about 8 months ago, he said he was, what you said, "suffocated" in a relationship. He said he loved me very much but with the way he was feeling he didn't know what to do. I took it as a sign that the relationship was over, and I started doing things without him. It was very hard, but I focused on "moving on". I was also very careful not to reject him completely (this is one of many mistakes I made in the past). I didn't show any sign on interests in another guys (another mistake - though I never did). I love him so much. 2 weeks later, he came back and said he couldn't bare the thought of not having me at all forever, and I took him back (again, another mistake I made: I never ever gave another chance in the past). Everything has gone well since. Recently, due to his big project at work, I've been doing all the wife-y stuff, like cooking, running his errands etc. I even felt guilty to have a girls-night-out while he had to work. I'm not usually like that. He asked for it one night. He loved everything I did for him. He was loving, appreciative, and so wonderful to me. So I continue. Few weeks went by, and his attitude changed. When I asked him if he felt "suffocated" again, he said no. He said he loves me very much and he doesn't wanna be with anyone else but me. But I can sense something is definitely wrong, then he goes, "I just need to spend some time with my friends to feel like a man (which I still don't really understand what it means)". Anyway, I guess I totally misunderstand the nature of what "suffocated" means. I thought it meant he wants to see other people. Thx! I think I've learnt from my own experience and doing things better than before, but still there are lot more for me to learn. By the way, how do you handle your relationship when your partner starts paying too much attention to you? Do you tell her and explain how men's mind works?

Thx pcardoso, for sharing and reassuring that I'm not alone here. When I think of my relationship, I can see clearly how I misjudged certain situation and how I contributed to unhappy outcome. If I could go back to re-do it again, I know I would be able to do it better. But when I think of my on-going relationship, I can't really see what's best for both of us - me and him. If you had a chance to do it all over again, how would you do it differently?

anyone else wanna share any story? or am I alone here...?

that would be great, but like i said, I'm very new here. Are all registered members get private e.mail adds? If so, how do I use mine? Or would I actually have to post my e.mail add here, which I don't wish to do...?

thx for your reply, redbelly. I was so close to "forever and ever" twice in my life. I was engaged long ago, but I called it off. I broke up with my 2nd love after 2 years. I loved them both very deeply, but I thought it was best to set them free. It sounds so cold now, but believe me, it was the hardest things I ever had to do. There are too many reasons why I see this way... my childhood, my parents, my very first sexual experience... As much as I wanted "save" a relationship, I ONLY knew how to "exit" when things got rough. ...and I not only hurt myself to death, I ended up hurting them both at the end... I went thgouth few relationship after, but I didn't think I could ever love again. Then I met "him". He was sweet and very caring. I slowly started to open up to him. Somehow, he brings the best out of me and everything seems so easy when I'm around him. He said "I love you" after 6 months of dating, and now... I'm in love again. I do value our relationship and I think he may be the one... so YES, I do wanna be with him and I do wanna work it out. But then... I really don't know how to "save" a relationship. I just know that any relationship needs good communication, trust, and balanced space. With recent situation, I wonder if he'll be happier without me. I just want him to be happy no matter what. I agree with all you said about relationship, by the way. It would help me understand more about relationship, about men, and most importantly, about myself if I hear what others went through and how they delt with. Would you care to share your experience?

I'm actually very new here on this site, and as I read though those posts, some of you are so intuitive and some can give great/inspiring advice! If it's really I'm "not alone", here is a story... A boy meets a girl. He doesn everything to win her over. She responds, then they start seeing each other. He feels excited, and she feels smitten by his motivation. One day, he suddenly finds himself in a relationship and panice - sometimes he just needs some space to "miss" her: sometimes he's not ready: sometimes other options seems better and other times she's not the one. She asks what's going on. He says everything is fine and he still loves her. Then she's left wondering why he acts so different now... Currently, I'm having problems with my bf of 2 years. I do wanna save our relationship if we can, but the last thing I wanna do is to nag him about it. I care enough for him to let him go if he thinks we are not meant to be, so we don't have to hurt each other unnecessary. It would help me understand where I(or he) stand if I can learn more about male psychology. What made you decide to either go forward (agree to work it out) or go to an exit (break up)? What are the factors of your decisions? Pls share your story... thax!

If he is in fact commitment phobic, what can I do to save our relationship? Is there a way to make it work, or is it always bound to be doomed no matter what I try?

If my bf is in fact commitment phobic, what can I do to save our relationship? Is there a way to make it work, or is it always bound to be doomed no matter what I try?

bzborow1> thax for your reply and also for raising a good point. I believe any relationship needs good communication, trust, and balanced space, and efforts to keep a healthy relationship must be equally shared and put in by two or else it will die no matter how wonderful it may feel at first. Anyway, what I want from him "for now" is a companionship. I also want him to be consistant in his action. I value "us" as something special and something worth a try, and I only wanna be with him if he sees that way. Of course, what I want from future is a life partnership. But though I'm hoping that he may be the one, I don't know that yet and I wanna give more time before thinking about the future. I think what bothers me is that he breaks a natural flow for our relationship to grow. I can understand needing some space when things are not going well. I can also relate to needing some space when one person wants more in a relationship and the other doesn't. But that's not the case for us, and that's where my confusion comes from. He gets into this cycle after things are especially great and intimate, and we become so close... By the way, would you pls elaborate on "he's afraid it may send the wrong vibes to his single friends" part? He can be affectionate when we are with his closest friends, but he's got a bunch of single friends who are always on look out and he acts funny when he's with them...

My bf and I have been dating for almost 2 years. Our relationship is wonderful in general - we consider as close friends, have lots of laugher together, and we still have great sex life. The only problem is that he seems to go through a weird cycle from time to time... This "cycle" usually happens few weeks after we've been very intimate and affectionate in front of his friends or family. When it starts, he becomes distant, gets emotionally withdrawn, starts spending more time away from me. If I ask him about what's going on, he says he loves me and he doesn't wanna break up, but just needs some space away from me to feel like a man. It's not my nature to control someone, so I give him his freedom and start doing my own things making myself busy. But then, when he goes out with his friends, he parties 'til morning drinking. If I happen to run into him on one of his night-out, he acts very differently and it almost feels like he wanna be seen as single. Naturally I become very unhappy and suspicious, but he doesn't really wanna talk about it except to say, "I love you and I'm not sleeping with anyone else". I get sick of it and just when I start caring less, he comes right back on strong, and does everything to win me all over. That's how this cycle ends and from a "not-so-nice boyfriend", he becomes a "wonderful" boyfriend again. He seems to go through this every 4-6 months. He is 29 and I'm 32. He has been in 2 "serious" relationship in the past: 1 and 1/2 years, and 6 months, but both were long-distance, so I'm his first girlfriend in a real relationship in the same zip code. Marriage has never been a topic between us. That's b/c I don't bring it up. I'm not sure if I ever wanna marry someone due to my parents' painful divorce, although I do wanna have a life partner. He's very caring and sweet and I believe we are good match at least for now. He loves me very much and I believe so from his action. He makes me very happy when he's not in this "cycle" that I'm happy to stay just the way it is at least for another 1-2 years without thinking of where it might go. Recently, the "cycle" seems to be starting agian, and this time, I start to wonder if I'm actually dealing with more serious problem than I view. I try to understand his needs to be on his own especially his big 30th birthday is coming up soon. There are still so much to learn about each other. Of course none can predict what may happen tomorrow, but I'm willing to take a risk to explor more on "us" as long as his intension is the same (that's what he say - he really wanna see what happens with "us"). But sometimes I feel like he's just a typical commitment phobic guy that we'll never have happy ending... I probably get "you need to move on" sort of feedback, but I don't wanna just give up yet. I wanna find a way to work it out. Any suggestions and opinion would be appreciated.