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Dorsay

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Everything posted by Dorsay

  1. Dorsay
    Guitarman, I know how you feel. I also asked my ex to be sensitive and not to contact me. It's been almost 3 weeks since he called. This is what I asked for but it's tough. Sunshine, may be we should look at the pain that we're going through as part of the healing. We'll get better. Take care.
  2. Dorsay
    I have been feeling very alone for the last couple of days. It seems like there's a void somewhere. I do believe that we can start it all over again if we want to. I think most of us are preprogrammed to seek happiness.
  3. Dorsay
    Selfi, I am glad that you're doing well. Just a thought-am I really missing my ex or am I missing having a relationship? Am I really sad over someone who mistreated me or am I actually sad over losing a relationship? Anyway, the pain has subsided quite a bit over the past 3 months but the sadness is still there. I hope very soon I'll be happy and free like you too.
  4. Dorsay
    The first time that I contacted him after we broke up was to put things to rest. I am glad that I did it. Good luck with your meeting and hope it will either bring you peace or bring you guys together.
  5. Dorsay
    It didn't work well with me. I was doing relatively well before I called my ex. The only good thing that came out from the call is that I probably lifted his spirits before the holiday. Why do you want to see your ex? Can you handle just to be friends?
  6. Dorsay
    How are you? I broke up with my ex about 3 months ago. I didn’t return his phone calls and emails for a while. Right before Thanksgiving, he wrote me a very sweet and sincere email, almost like the one that your ex sent you. He wanted to see me and said he wanted to be friends. I broke my silence; I spoke with him and finally got my closure (as I didn’t say much during our break up.) I felt a huge load off my chest and I felt great afterwards. As I thought I would never hear from him again, I received a present from him. It’s a sentimental gift. I was overwhelmed and didn’t send a thank you email to him for several days. The holidays were tough for me especially I thought he could be hurting. I called him before the New Year. I am sure that I lifted his spirits but I felt and still feel rotten. I helped him heal but totally reopened up my wounds. Now I’m convinced that I am in no position to help him. I’m not ready to be his friend. I won’t be contacting him for awhile and I am not going to analyze what he said and wrote anymore. I guess we have to take care of ourselves and try not to look back.
  7. Dorsay
    Just like you, I think I'm feeling relatively at peace right now. After talking to him, I don't feel hurt anymore. Although, there's an overwhelming sadness these days because the relationship really ended. If I'm egotistical, I should be glad because I was walking away from him again, but being egotistical or getting even wasn't what I wanted. Now I'm mourning for the loss of a relationship and a friend. I don't think I'll pursue a friendship with him for at least another year if not longer. X'mas will be tough but I have a whole 2007 to work with. My runs are getting better than ever. My 10ks during the holidays are faster than his previous 10k time. Silly things like these please me. I hope you will have fun during the holidays. I'm sure you'll have no problems with your school applicattion. You'll have so much fun going back to school, not to mention dating possibilities. It's always fun meeting new people in a new city or country. You'll have an awesome year. I bet you anything that next year around this time, you'll be asking yourself why you're losing sleep to this guy. Take care.
  8. Dorsay
    Hi Bambina, How are you doing? I don't think there's anything wrong for you being honest or let your hurt show. Afterall, you're who you are. The whole no contact thing isn't a game or a power play for you. You didn't contact him for 2 months because you wanted to move on without him. It's just natural for you to show some emotions when you had contacts with him. Now you know that he belongs to your past, and you're closer to finding the right person. Enjoy your independence and have a great holiday!
  9. Dorsay
    Hi Bambina, How are you? How did the call go? You're a strong woman, so I'm sure you'll be fine. I hope it was the call that you hoped for. My friend sent me a very sweet email before thanksgiving and wanted to see me. I knew I had to put a stop to the drama, so I broke the silence and called him. I'm glad that I did because I let him know that we were not getting back together and basically asked him not to pursue me anymore. It's very sad but it really allows me to move on. Take care and stay strong.
  10. Dorsay
    Bambina, that wasn't the call that you want from him. I agree it was a very gutless and even selfish move if his. You've been doing great without any contacts for 5 weeks, so don't accept for anything less now. I know he misses you, but it isn't enough to win your love again. Take care.
  11. Dorsay
    I hope you’ll continue to hang out with friends and make new ones. It’s nice to have some attentions. I think you should just go out have fun and don’t worry too much if you’re ready to date or not. You go scream as loud as you can and I’ll run till my legs can’t take it anymore. How about that? Are you applying for the MFA? If so, in what area? What are you going to include in your portfolio? I don’t’ know why I’m totally assuming you’re in art major. The schedule of the drawing studio that I thought I would go doesn’t work out. I have to find another place. I did a couple of nice drawings last night. I always have problems with that particular model, but somehow I got through last night. As for my emotions, I’ve calmed down a bit. It was wk 5 yesterday, but I wasn’t consciously thinking of it. After 5 weeks, I’ve sorted out my feelings quite a bit. I am not so much hurt by him not loving me anymore, I think it is because that is the part that me an my friend had talked quite a bit before we broke up. However, I am hurt and sometimes obsessed by his dishonesty, because that piece of information was new to me and I didn’t have the chance to respond to him. I am not looking forward to speaking with him but I think I have to. I am very obsessive, I don’t want my memory of him haunt me forever. Is there any REI in your neighborhood? They have a ski sales coming up, or check their on line store. I like REI, I’m going to get a Marin Lucas Valley bike from them soon. Take care.
  12. Dorsay
    I won't and don't want to get back to him. I don't care if he declares his undying love for me or promises me anything, by the way, he won't. I will mourn and be sad, but one thing for sure, I will never turn back. I am a very proud and stubborn person, he violated my trust and took advantage of my kindness, so there's absolutely no return. He actually knows how stubborn I am, so if he's still pursuing me, it has to be subsconsciously only. My last meeting with him was very brief. As a matter of fact, I didn't know I would break up with him that night. As soon as I found out about his dating, I left. If I talk to him again, it will be to finish my conversation with him from that evening. I want my therapist to help me sort out my feelings, not tell me what to do. No, my therapist didn't give up. Most likely I'll call him in stead of seeing him. When I'm ready to talk, I'll make sure there won't be any unfinished business. If he doens't agree his behavior was selfish and insensitive, that's fine too. He's entitled to his opinions, and I just need to voice mine. No doubt I will be very upset afterwards, so I need to prepare myself. I can't believe it's been 5 weeks since we broke up and without contacts. I don't know when I'll call but for sure not this week because I'm running a 10k with my nephew this weekend. I can't ruin my nephew and auntie day. I jokingly told my therapist that I'll do it on Thanksgiving, he laughed and said, "how appropriate." It's very apparent that he doesn't like my friend, it actually made me sad. What's wrong with me?
  13. Dorsay
    Guess what, My friend called yesterday before I went to see the therapist. I actually didn’t recognize the phone number for awhile. When I realized that it was him calling, I had a split second to decide if I should pick it up. Of course, I was being irrational. I did but immediately regretted it. I told him I was in a meeting and he said “call me if you want to.” This is exactly what he said in his previous message. I told my therapist about my setback and my dreams. He said telling my friend what’s been bothering me wouldn’t serve any purpose other than letting it off my chest. He said he worried about me if there’re any contacts because I will reopen my wounds. I agreed with him that I invested more emotions into the relationship than he did although he was the one who pursued the relationship all along. I was totally in shock when the therapist said that my friend is still pursuing me. He said he wouldn’t call me otherwise, and he called not to say hi or catch up, but at least subconsciously he wanted me to go back. He said men are egotistical. Is it really true? How could he think that I would go back to him after he broke my heart? The therapist said that obviously the relationship didn’t end. It ends when I find myself planning ahead instead of staying in a loop, going through the ups and downs. Since I am still anticipating contacting him, being disturbed by thinking of him, I am still in this relationship emotionally, and so does he. At first, the therapist was hoping that I wouldn’t contact him, but towards the end of the session, he thought I might need to talk to him one more time to finish what I didn’t get to tell him and let him and myself know that it is really over. This is the hardest thing to do-walking away from him again. So when I have that conversation, there won’t be any unfinished business, we’ll be all done, and then I have to go through the heartbreak again. Bambina, Moonbeam, I really don’t want to go through the whole process again.
  14. Dorsay
    I was writing to him everyday for the first 2 weeks (never send out.) I can't read them right now because they will sure make me cry. However I remember I went through a range of emotions throughout the 2 weeks. From telling him and asking him things that I didn't get to do during our last mtg, missing him and hoping that we'll be friends, wishing him well, disappointing with him, to getting upset with him. Do they go through the same stuff like we do? I somehow doubt it. I really think that my friend is trying to forget about me by working and dating extremely hard. I could be a distant memory to him now, meanwhile I'm still in pain. I've been very unfair to myself. I really brought pain to myself. You are right, I will talk to my therapist today about my email and will edit/reedit. I will try not to send it on impulse. Moonbeam, thank you for your support. It's really a comforting thought to know that I can have someone to talk to.
  15. Dorsay
    Hi, I'm glad that you're online. I haven't made up my mind. This morning, I was so sure that I would send him an email, but now, I'm not so sure. I wrote a very short email. It was short and direct. I can think of a couple of his possible replies: 1.No reply-Very likely scenario. The suspense for the first couple of days will kill me, but then eventually I will accept that he’s a coward. 2.“I have no regrets for having a relationship with you, sorry that you do.”-This will piss me off, but well it also shows that he is totally incapable to handle any emotions. I’m glad that that I’m out. 3.“I am sorry.”-That will be tough to handle. That’s it, I’m sorry?? 4. “I didn’t know what I did would hurt you. I am sorry.”-I can take a sincere apology like this. I will be very sad, may be because it really brings the end of the relationship. It seems like I really prefer him to be heartless, so that I have reasons to get angry. Regardless, since I began writing the email, my emotions have been brought backward. I even imagine that the phone will ring. I know that it is a dangerous thing to do. So, is getting it off my chest really worth bringing back my emotions to the good old days? I even miss the time that we're together. I haven't had this feeling for a couple of weeks!!! I have been doing relatively well until now. I'm really glad that you're doing well. I really don't know why I suddently took dive. I'm glad that you're going to do cross-country skiing. Have you tried craigslist for used equipment? Or, ebay? I just got rid of some stuff from the garage, so now I have room for a bike.
  16. Dorsay
    Well, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll see my psychologist tomorrow. I hope he can help me sort this out. If mentioning his name would throw me back to day 2 or 3, what will happen if I speak with him? May be an email is safer, but still, I am sure it will disturb me quite a bit. Ha, the holiday is coming, can I handle being sad during the holidays? On the other hand, I can see myself just bite the bullet and have it off my chest. By the way, you guys are wonderful. Thank you for your support.
  17. Dorsay
    A major setback for me last weekend! I took a trip during the weekend, hoping that I would have a fun time. I didn’t realize that the hours of driving gave me plenty of time to think of the whole relationship again. I saw my niece during the trip, who actually knows my friend’s son, except they didn’t know that we know each other. When my niece was talking about her friends and school, I told her I know her friend’s father. I said nothing else, but simply bringing up his name stirred up a great deal of emotions inside me. I dreamt of him that night, going out to dinner with another woman and giving me a very cold look. In the dream, I was the other woman who he was hiding. It was an awful dream and I felt even worse when I woke up. I wanted to call him or even see him to let him know that I actually didn’t know he was dating anyone and ask him why he didn’t tell me. It’s been over a month since we broke up and almost 4 wks since he left me a message to ask me to call him (if I wanted to). I think either I call now, or never. Any delay will make me look very foolish. Said that, what will I accomplish if I talk to him—Getting it off my chest, so it won’t haunt me? Making him feel bad (will he feel bad)? Or will he simply puzzle why I still can’t get over him when he probably has already moved on with someone else, or at least went on with date no. 25? Please tell me if I should accept that it is over regardless, so just take a deep breath and know that there’re times that we’ll never be able to get everything off our chest. Or, should I call him? Another thougt--I actually don't talk about my relationship with anyone but one friend and my pyschologist. Is this forum an outlet for me or is it a link to the past that I would love to forget? If it's the latter, should I stop coming back to the forum?
  18. Dorsay
    My wk 4 anniversay was uneventful and not too melancholy either. I wasn't as sad as I have been and I didn't think of him every waking moment. I hope that's a sign of recovery. I now totally accept that the relationship is over and I don't even know if we can be friends again. I don't have any desire of calling him, but today while I was driving out of town, I was thinking that I really regret for lying to him about me knowing his datings. I really want to set the record straight telling him that have I known about it, our relationship would be over awhile ago and emotions could have been spared. Should I do it? Probably not, right? What purpose will that email serve? Making him feel bad, unvalidating our relationship, making myself feel better? Most likely I won't do it, may be in a few months or a year. Bambina, your wk 4 is coming up, are you feeling better? Candle and cookies as a me me me me gift? I have a theory here, hope you don't mind--is it possible that your friend is facing a big uphill battle re: the arranged marriage, so he's telling himself that his relationship with you isn't quite real? So to prove his point, he dates. Would it be nice if we could get into their heads to figure out why they gave up something that could be so good? He's going to find out your grass is the greenest as my friend will find out he can't possibly find anyone who's half as precious as me. By then, it may be too late. I am looking forward to seeing my pychologist next week, although no doubt he'll make me feel terrible afterwards. I actually didn't cry much since we broke up. Unfortunately the first time I broke up, I was in a concert hall listening to Mendelssohn's vionlin concerto in e minor. As soon as the orchestra played, my tears were falling. The music was overwhelming and reminding me that something beautiful that I once had was gone (as least I thought it was beautiful then.) People around me felt bad for me, especially when they couldn't find me any kleenex. How embarrassing. I was struggling quite a bit in my drawing class yesterday, but I came through with the last two poses. As a friend used to tease me--suffering is good for the soul. Take care and have a great weekend. Oh, I just signed up for a turkey trot next week, and I have another 10k coming up in 3 weeks. I haven't signed up for a marathon yet, I'm on schedule for a marathon in December, but I think I'll do the local one here next year. Have a great one!
  19. Dorsay
    I am sorry for what you are going through. My heart aches when I see how much you're suffering. I hope you didn't and won't call him. If he's cold and unresponsive, most likely he will, you will feel even worse. In time you will realize that he isn't as wonderful as you thought he is. I agree with Kath 100%. I just came back from my therapy session--my therapist didn't portray a wonderful picture of my friend. He was happy that he's out of my life. You need to give yourself some time to absorb what's going on and to heal. Please take care of yourself-eat and rest. Get yourself some soup, gatorade and crackers. They are easy to eat. If you didn't sleep well, then take naps. Go out for a walk or a run. You will feel better every week, if not everyday. Take care!
  20. Dorsay
    I had my 2nd therapy session yesterday. I had to admit that, again, I felt worse after the session. I think it is because I haven’t really talked about my relationship and the break up with anyone but with the therapist. He was digging deep into my emotions and I was forced to revisit all the issues. I hope this is completely normal. I am nervous about going back for another session. Based on what I told him, the therapist was glad that I left the relationship. He said my friend was not a long term prospect for me. He described him as someone who compartmentalizes his feelings. Everything is clearly defined in his world; I fit into a specific part of his life, but he wouldn’t have me in another. He said someone with this personality usually doesn’t handle relationship very well because he doesn’t know what intimacy really is. It reminds me of my friend telling me that he didn’t want to be with anyone but me when he was with me, but when asked what about if I wasn’t there, he said, “When you’re not there, you’re not there.” So, he was totally crazy about me at that moment when he was with me, but he would continue with his life when I wasn’t there, ie. seeing nothing wrong for him to date other women. I was ranting about how my friend could keep saying he cared about me and not wanting to hurt me. I would be sad if he didn’t love me, but it would not hurt me. What hurts me was that he declared that loving me was beyond his limits, meanwhile he would want to continue to see me. How could he say he cared about me when he was dating other women, and even worse—not telling me about it? If he cared about me, he should know that this was very disrespectful to me. The therapist said “empathy” is the key. Empathy is something that either someone has it or don’t. He is someone who didn’t understand that what he did was selfish and didn’t know that it would hurt me. The last thing that I told the therapist was that his ex wife (of 20 years of marriage) said he liked her but never loved her. Before I left, the therapist said to me that other reasons (I am not going to mention here) that he gave for not being able to give more to this relationship was just convenient excuses for him to ensure a no-commitment relationship. He said, “I’m glad that it didn’t take you 20 years to figure it out.” I am glad that I am out of this saga and not making more mistakes. However, it also tells me that this relationship wasn’t as beautiful as I thought it was. It was built with my ignorance and his false pretense. Bambina, how are you doing? Tomorrow will be wk 4 for me. I thought I was handling it well for the last couple of days. Now after the therapy session....it's sad!
  21. Dorsay
    Congratulations on your wk 3 of freedom! I hope your Ultimate Me plan will bring you much excitement and joy. It's a gorgeous Sunday today. If I have a bike, I would have taken it out for a long ride. I really need to get one. I don't think the ball is in my court, at least I don't look at it this way. I see it a mutual decision for our break up. Yes, I think I can still go back to him, but it will only mean that I'll be accepting his terms. Since he left it all up to me, I actually have to fight the temptations to call him from time to time. I have to remind myself that I can't keep thinking of the past. I picked up a buddhist philosphy book yesterday. What caught my eyes was "When we free ourselves of desire, we will know serenity and freedom." I have to let go of that desire of him. It's tough but I really want that serenity and freedom. You refused to stay in a non relationship relationship and be treated as a second class. You arent' really waiting for him to return, you're waiting for a healthy and loving relationship; it may or may not be him. Whoever wins your heart will be a lucky one.
  22. Dorsay
    Bambina, you made me laugh. I'm not into shopping. But you know what--I am beautiful and have an amazing atheletic body (at least that's everybody told me and I believe them.) I am laughing even more now!! I ran 18 miles today and got stopped by 3 male runners. So, not bad! Well, except attention doesn't make me any happier. I am going to sign up a studio class of drawing in winter. I can go as often as 4 nights a week. A friend of mine also suggested a ballet class. I'm considering it. You asked how long will your saga continue. I'll say by x'mas you'll be a spankin' new person with or without the brand new spankin' outfit. I actually got tired of checking my emails and my phone. I know he won't contact me because he already sent me an "I'm sorry" email and left me a "call me if you want to get back to me" message. Probably he's the one who's constantly checking and hoping for my response. How sweet! By x'mas, I'll be a happy and healthy person; my running and drawing will be better than ever. Take care.
  23. Dorsay
    Hi Bambina, I didn't celebrate. I'm pretty down right now. I thought I was doing fine for awhile, but the 3 week mark hits me hard. I even thought about why we couldn't be friends. I adore him and miss him, so why we couldn't be friends? Well, of course I know the reason. Even worse, I am getting jealous right now, thinking that he may be out on a date at this moment. I know you have done everything you could and you have nothing to regret. By the way, I know your friend misses you. No matter if it works out with your friend or not, I know you will find happiness. You are full of life and you are love! There's a very good sticky: no contact on the forum. Did you read it? It's very good and it confirms that we're doing the right thing. Have a great weekend.
  24. Dorsay
    It’s week 3 for me today. There’s an overwhelming sadness. I replayed our last meeting over and over again. 3 weeks ago about this time, I was so excited. I was getting ready to go over to his place. I spoke about breaking up a week earlier, but he seemed so sincere; he wanted to make it work. We spoke several times on the phone, and we had nothing but good conversations. He wanted to see me to try to work it out. Boy, I was so excited to see him. However, things didn’t go as well as I thought, and then the reality sank in—sometimes there were things that we just couldn’t fix. I’m glad that it’s been 3 weeks since the break up and almost 2 weeks since I last heard from him, but I sometimes still find myself wandering to the past. I thought I have accepted that we’re over and I have let him go, but why am I still thinking of what happened 3 weeks ago?
  25. Dorsay
    Bambina, I was thinking of you while driving home tonight. I was going to suggest that we should make a special when we hit the one month mark. Tomorrow will be week 3 for me. My mom must have dropped me when I was a baby--all my mean bones are missing. I really wish him well. I know he didn't mean to hurt me. Most likely I'm going to Europe next spring. Between my job, my running and drawing, I'm actually pretty busy. I may be getting a bike though. That's exciting. Have a great evening and will talk soon.
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