ItsonlyME

... 11 weeks premature. What an ordeal for him and you! Amazing though how tuff they are those tiny babies!! My last one was only 4 weeks early and my! Was it rough on him. Do not worry too much. He's cracking up laughing? Well he's happy and content, that's what I say! Who knows what babies think? It may be he just remembered you tickling him. My son cried and cried and crrrrrrrrrrrried non stop for 5 months. His face was always distorted and tomato red. Doctors couldn't find what was wrong with him. Apparently there was nothing wrong. My two other children cried, but nothing like this one. The two put together never cried this much! A nurse told me many babies born prematurely had these crying fits. Be happy yours is laughing and smiling!!! The very best to you and your lovely baby.

I would say good communication is the key.

True! I admit that I will throw in the towel. I should stick with it. We're two in this marriage and I do contribute to the problem by throwing in the towel on living a life that pleases me. He will admit he has problems with his emotions, and his feelings. Not only expressing them but being in touch with them. I think deep down he is not too self confident either. I am quite at ease with the person I am, and he has all these hang ups and is always unconfortable. You can't appreciate someone else if you can't appreciate the person you are. He HATES feeling vulnerable. This is a sign of weakness for him. I think many men think like that. Thank you for your feedback.

He makes it difficult for me to do the things I like. I've tried to understand this behaviour but had to throw in the towel. I don't know what his payoff for doing so. I do nice things for people who do appreciate me. All the time. But then it hits me : why others appreciate me while he just can't appreciate me??! It just makes me so angry at times.

Yes. A few times. He usually his answer to that is I want to rip this family apart. Tried both actually. On a few occasions. Doesn't work. He just won't do it. As I said in an earlier post, he sees this as a game. And he will win. I told him to stop with this 'status' thing. We're not in the 50s. When he is appreciated (not only me, by the kids too) he turns into this jerk. And it's usually followed by a little session of putting me down for whatever I can't do as good as him. I'm no good at maths. After a few times of humiliating me in front of the children I demanded he stopped this kind of behaviour. How did he humiliate me? He wanted me to do this maths problem in front of the children. I said I can't, I don't remember algebra much. He insisted and insisted, saying I wasn't that stupid. I never hide the fact I am a big zero at maths. I help the children with biology, and French. I am the planner, the organizer, so I help them with that aspect too, studying, etc. Why make fun of me like this??! Do I appreciate him? I admit I don't say anything anymore.

Sometimes life is such that we lose our friends. It's distance, it's having a family, it's all kinds of things really. Usually it's not because we've been a 'bad friend'. Life is such! Doesn't matter if you've been friends forever. It happens. Happened to me. Stuff gets in the way. And then we don't invest as much in the friendship because of family obligations, etc. If you've been friends for a long time, tell your friend how much she means to you. And that you feel your friendship is not as it was before. Good luck to you.

When I moved abroad with my little family I had no choice, I had to meet new people and make new friends. We knew no one over there, had no family there. All I can say is it's not obvious to meet people. Not everyone has time to invest in a new friendship. Not everyone wants to invest either, they are often too busy with work and family, etc. Others don't want to make new friends, they are happy with the ones they have. Anyway. Met people through school my children went to. By talking to other mums. Also by volunteering at school. Met people when I did Pilates. Through expat forums. Whenever I would hear the Canadian accent (or the American) I would start a convo with that person. Often didn't lead to a long lasting friendship (they were mainly tourists) but it's fun to talk to people. I am much better at making friends now because of this, no kidding!!!

My kids were bullied a lot in their other school. At one point a kid tried to strangle my youngest between lessons. Police had to be involved because the school just didn't deal with the problem. It kinda cooled down the bums but not enough though. A similar situation to your son's happened and my son simply snapped. He defended his friends. He too looked bloodthirsty, let me tell you. I can understand my son had had enough but still... violence is violence. My son was punished. We also had many discussions about what was going on in school, bullying, violence, etc. I made sure he understood why I was punishing him. I have to admit the difference between defending yourself when someone's trying to strangle you and defending yourself because you've been verbally attacked is not so clear in a teen's mind. Especially when there is bagage, a history of being bulllied. The school's counselor was overwhelmed with kids needing help. When I met with him he told me if I knew everything that was going on at school I would be too scared to send my kids to school..................................... Is it just me or being a teenager in this day and age is far more complex than it was when I was a teen??! I do think so.

The two still at home are 14 and 15. They are responsible for their bedrooms, and I do their laundry, they put it away. After supper they put their dishes in the dishwasher. Whenever I ask for help they do help. Never had problems with that. I had a hysterectomy 4 months ago and they were just great. My husband didn't use to be a slob. Now he is. He knows perfectly well it drives me crazy. I've tried to leave his stuff just lying there but it can stay there for a week. When it's a leftover snack it's not a pretty sight... If I don't put away his clean clothes they will end up on the floor. He won't wear them of course. He will put them back in the laundry. I work part time. This week only Thursday and Friday. I would be lazy if I'd hire someone to clean my house... Everything's done anyway. Today I'm cooking goodies. He is the type to say he is overwhelmed, over worked, stressed out, that he doesn't sleep well, he is the one with the big job and salary... so thereforeeee he has a special status. Well it's so special that status that our life stinks. I've asked him to take a bit of time off in order to talk while the kids are not here. Since I'm working Thursday and Friday, I thought it would be today. Just before leaving for work this morning he told me... I should take Thursday off if I wanted to talk. I am working only 2 days this week and I have to cancel all my clients...??! He doesn't want to talk. Clearly he doesn't want to make an effort.

I've lived abroad for 8 years. My situation was different from yours DreamCatcher (moved abroad with my little family) but I just wanted to let you know... ... because you have left your country and live in another one I find it often make things worse. It is quite something to leave your country and settle down somewhere else you know! Personally, I thought I was on another planet, not just another country. And leaving your loved ones behind and coming to a country where you don't know much people, where you don't have friends, well it's hard. I can only imagine being pregnant now will make you feel more insecure and unsure if it was the right decision for you to move abroad. Just know it is NORMAL to feel the way you feel DreamCatcher (even more because you are pregnant, hormones and all). When I was living abroad, I even went to see my doctor because I thought I was losing my mind. I felt that bad and insecure! Then I met with other expats and found out all the women felt the same way, went through the same 'process'. What a relief! I like very much Isle's suggestion : Don't make any decisions now. Try to enjoy your pregnancy. Your social network is highly important. Try to meet new people and make friends. Birth classes would be a good place to start with. What always helped me feel a bit better was 'goodies' from home. Have someone send you stuff you enjoy and miss. Sounds crazy but it helps! Husband and pregnancy - For a man, sometimes the baby is not here yet... even if the wife is pregnant up to her ears. My husband realized we had a baby when the nurse handed our daughter to him. Look! A baby! He was in shock. I was tempted to say to him : 'Do you think I was hiding a turkey under my clothes or what??!' ... Everything changed from then on. So don't worry too much. The very best to you

Thank you LunaBelle for taking the time to reply to my posts. On feeling appreciated (or not) - True! A job hazard of Motherhood. Dare I say of marriage too? On being offended - Lunabelle, it's take a lot to offend me - I like to read what other people think. It helps. And I get to ask myself questions I would have never thought about. Being so resentful you stop 'doing thing for him' - Tried many times. He just won't do the laundry (for example). Tension only escalates, making everything worse. He knows I'll give in at one point because I can't cope with that much tension and stress for a long time. I've come to realize he sees this (me not doing stuff for him anymore) as a power game. And he likes to win. I like the idea of 'calmly letting him know that your feelings of resentment are growing, and you'd prefer that he started being more personally responsible for himself.' - I shall do that. Thank you. I've asked him to take some time off so we can have a discussion when the kids are not here. I've asked him to be this week and no later. Not being on speaking terms is far from ideal and it hurts everyone. I will suggest we go for therapy (again!) but this time I want to go on my own, and he should seek therapy for himself too. I don't want couple therapy. Not at this point anyway. I feel he has huge issues about intimacy, and control. It's not helping our relationship... Not giving up on myself, don't worry.

I work outside the home too. I just started this new job. It's part time and I choose the hours I want to do. We've just moved back to Canada after many years in Europe. I still have boxes here and there. I know what I do at home is valuable. My husband can go ahead and worry about his career only and he knows I'll take care of everything else. That is highly valuable! After work he doesn't have to worry about supper, and what he has to get at the grocery store. In the morning he only has to worry about himself, he doesn't have to get up 30 mins before everyone to make breakfast and packed lunches. I am not working full time right now but have been before our move and I was taking care of everything at home at the same time. While he was sitting in front of the computer all evening I was (still) running around the house like a headless chicken. If I can do it, why can't he do at least a little bit? Or perhaps show a tiny bit of appreciation instead of constant criticism? No wonder I am resentful. And then he goes on about his stress... his responsabilities... his deadlines... his insomnia... At first I was quite understanding and did my best to give my full support. I told myself well I can take more upon my shoulders. Now my back is breaking! ... I am also resentful because... I just couldn't sit around and do nothing while he works like a horse around the house. I would feel too guilty. Seems to me he doesn't do guilt a lot ... Besides, when he works around the house he always finds stuff for me to do and is quite demanding : 'Where is this? Where is that? Can you find me this? Can you get me that?' - Would I want to sit around and do nothing I'd have to hide to be able to do so...! If I spend too much time in the bathroom he will come and knock on the door. No kidding! Read somewhere you teach people how to treat you. I know I am to blame for pretty much all of this.

I find it hard to believe a man only needs a few things... In fact men are the same as us women. They too need to be loved, appreciated, respected, heard, understood, and so on.

As a single parent I would not have time to spare, I know that for a fact! At this point in the relationship I see myself more as an employee. Perhaps I'm simply insane but doing his laundry, cooking for him, picking up after him disgusts me at the moment. Seeing myself leading my own little quiet life would mean no more of this I guess? Pathetic. isn't it? How does he hold me back from doing this right now? When he comes home my mood goes from 97 to -53 in three seconds flat. I find it difficult to be in the same room with him. I probably have a lot of resentment you see. Being in such a sombre mood doesn't really help when you want to enjoy life, simple pleasures, discover new hobbies, etc... My fault really. I should learn to let go a bit. And think of me from time to time. And he does feel resentment towards me too so he basicallyl doesn't do his share at home. He leaves it all to me. I like honest curiosity! I like to hear from other people so please don't hold back Scout. It helps my introspec too.

Depends. I need time for myself, I have hobbies and other interests that he may not necessarily share with me. Same goes for him. Normal to have them. It's a question of reaching the right balance for your relationship really... But I find that (in general) men spend more time on their hobbies, interests, passions than women. All the women I know spend much time taking care of the kids, the house, the husband, they work and if they have the time (and let's be honest the energy too) they will invest a bit of time in a hobby. But let's say junior is sick or something, the woman will not go to Pilates. The man will leave junior in the good care his wife and go play hockey. That's the difference we women are annoyed with I think.