Ms. Maritimes

Couldn't have put it better than The Red Queen, yes, it does. That urge to go to the bathroom after sex usually takes care of it, if you sit still for a second and let it fall out. (Funny Story): the first time that happened to me, as a kid (I started sex wayyyy too young, and *ugh* no, didn't use a condom either](*,) ) it was several minutes after the act itself. The boy and I were walking back from where we had done the deed, and I felt it happening. I stopped cold for a second, and wondered, "Did I just come? Is that what an orgasm is?" Urination after sex is good for another reason, aside from the obvious: it flushes away bacteria that is forced up inside the urethrea (sp?) during the pushing involved in sex and can cause Urinary Tract Infections.

Hi Ruidsis, thanks for the update. I just read the whole story, and my heart goes out to him and you, both. He sounds like a sweet, intelligent, bighearted guy who just got into a terrible situation -- then was left there to sink or swim on his own. I'm Canadian, so I don't know, but I hope "criminal threat" is only a midemeanor and not a felony, and that he will be out soon. When he does get out, I believe that his idea of a change of environment is a good one. He needs to remove himself from where this pattern of behaviour began, and start fresh where he can begin new, pro-active patterns. He's lucky to have a sister like you to stand at his side. Tell him to stay strong, and that someone is pulling for him and believes he can do this.

Oh, Heartbreak, so sorry you're going through this But do keep sight of this: that was pretty frickin' darn cold and callous of him to just play Booty Call on you like that. And a question you should ask at some point is that if he has a vindictive streak THAT wide, perhaps you should consider this all a lucky escape? Good luck, stay strong, never let 'em see you sweat, doll. Chin up, eyes clear, hair done. Keep us posted.

*Blush*, if that was for me, thank you, Keenan...I will, actually, it's a great community, and I've always enjoyed listening to problems and helping people with them. Thanks again, everyone, so much. We're doing great, and are both relieved as heck.

Hi Ta Ree, thanks for the reply. He is -- I've taken him back (I was writing the same time you were) and we'll be ok;-) Take care, Ms. M

In light of the following facts: He's all but scourging himself with whips. The slightest reference to me having begun preliminary preparations to leave brings him to tears (he's not a wimpy cry-on-cue type, no), BUT also the assurance that, if it comes to that, he will make sure I leave financially comfortable and well-taken care of, up to including moving expenses, physically moving me himself, support payments, with everything that belongs to me. The confession to his older brother, when they just don't do that in his family. The knowledge that if I had done such a thing, or even cheated, he'd have had the brains to be upset, but never would have left me. The communication skills, and willingness to talk to death anything and everything, no matter how big or small, exhibited once again last night -- he's working a full day in the office today, with a couple of hours on the road this evening on 3 hrs sleep, after having been up at 7am, yesterday. His acceptance of FULL responsibility for this, with no buck-passing or trying to wiggle out of it. Was clarified again last night, after I spent most of the day with Linda, re-hashing, then gave him an opportunity to rebutt what we talked about. He did not rebutt at all, only re-stated and clarified his position: full responsibility, no provocation, stupid misinterpretation of whatever may seemed like a welcome, on their part. Horrified at himself, will never ever go near her or the shop again, and conveys apologies to both women once more. Is willing to ask Linda and Tanya's forgiveness face to face, then never go near them or the shop again, with full opportunity for them to call him down to the lowest, if they so desire. They do not, and he will abide by that. Acknowledges his legal vulnerability, but says me leaving would be worse than jail time. I also tipped Linda $20 (his money) yesterday for the hell of it, and made her keep it. She barely charges me for doing my hair as it is. He has expressed sorrow at the thought of ruining my friendship with Linda and frightening them. His willingness to give me space during this time. He made his case, begged forgiveness, then stayed out of my face, but was available for whenever I wanted to talk about things or wanted more info or clarification. He takes amazing care of us: I am an absolute IDIOT about money. If I want it, I get it. If I NEED it, I get it yesterday. Does most of the shopping, as I have a driving phobia. Ladies, I can send this guy for LIPSTICK and MASCARA. I have acknowledged my part in contributing to his repression issues and the Jack In The Box Syndrome: When we got together, I was divorced from a useless dreamer, who wouldn't work and tried to implement crazy get-rich-quick schemes every second week. DH never resisted my "You're going to walk the line for me, buddy" attitude, and permitted to me basically run him, only standing up for himself when I became too tyrannical or unreasonable or his self-respect was on the line, and even then only to calmly state his position. IE: enough so that I continued to respect him for having the balls to remain a man, without ever yelling at me, swearing at me, or even becoming too terribly angry at me. Calmest man during arguments I have ever seen, while I yell, swear, curse, and yes, have thrown things. I also had a jealous streak a mile wide: Other Women Bad were his words to live by. Once he was fully and irrevocably "trained" (not that he needed a lot of it), 5 yrs later, I did an about face and asked us to become more sexually open in various (unimportant here) ways. Dealing with that has been something of a struggle for him, but he has tried to accommodate me as best he can. The Verdict: I took him back last night after he agreed to: counselling for himself that I am welcome to look in on or attend, to deal with the repression issues, the Jack In The Box inside, various others. the knowledge that if he ever ever ever does such a thing again, there will be no further discussion and that, using the meanest, hungriest, most feminist lawyer I can find, will ruin him in any way possible. He himself acknowledged that I probably mean my other best friend, A., who, by the way, loves me to death. various other little things important to me, including that he agreed to happily, including that he uh.....put the boots to me in the most fantastic session of Make-Up Sex, ever. WHY is this important (in case you're saying, "duh, of course he'd want that."): another historical complaint of mine was not enough sex. My drive is higher than his. It was like my birthday, lol -- and he barely uh.....wanted a thing for himself. We both actually cried during. Thanks so much everyone!! I meant what I said and find you all the most intelligent and compassionate group on the Net. I feel very lucky that you were here to help me with this, and am relieved by the outcome. I believe that we'll be ok, and he's frankly ecstatic. Everyone have a great day, and I look forward to doing my part to giving back some support here, if I can. Hugs all around, Ms. M. xoxoxo\\

Hey everybody! Once again, thanks soooo much to you all for dissecting this so thoroughly, and from all the angles. I'm a psychological dissector myself, and this was just too much to handle alone. And should I ever encounter anyone with troubles, I'm will SO recommend this board. This has to be the most intelligent, supportive, realistic, and compassionate group I've ever encountered on the internet. So thank you so much. =D> Ok, now to the replies: Annie, love the new kitty avatar. Rapunzelle, thanks and hello, we're in NB, too. Then you probably understand the sort of repressed Good Boy upbringing I'm talking about. Great to see another Maritimer. Agreed, yes major brainfart, and I had that thought too: we are very sexually open, have been exploring a lot of new things in the last year, and I've considered that this may have been a combination of a historically repressed guy suddenly offered a great big bowl of candy with the wife's full support and just had a moment of thoughtless gluttony. I envision a kid wired on Halloween candy, cramming down more, then yarking his guts up in the cold morning light of November 1st. If that makes sense and isn't too repulsive, lmao. Agree, also, re - the homily. Roxari, thanks for the reply. We are married, yes. And you're very intuitive. For six mostly great years, but yes, there have been one or two other things (nothing on par or similar to this, though) I decided that should perhaps carry more weight in light of this act. My knee-jerk reaction to immediately leave, I have to confess, is from a harda** streak a mile wide. Unfortunately, I'm that annoying Hear Me Roar woman who tells her friends that if MY perfect husband had done blah blah blah, I'd blah blah blah. And now it's bit me in the butt, to have to deal with a situation full of so many greys. So to answer you: a combination of a few annoyances over the years, my big mouth, a boatload of pride, and what Keenan says next: Keenan, thanks for the reply. YES, that was a huge part of it. It's just so WEIRD!! And I just couldn't get past that....my first thought was, damn, I wish you'd just cheated, lol. Thanks re -- my freak. Despite our openness and adventurous, I'm still a Virgo and some things are Not Done, Dahling. Especially by my oh-so-well-trained (sorry guys, horrid phrase I know) Perfect Husband. Melrich, thanks for the reply. Yes, all true re-black n white, and the investment. Initially, I suppose I was hoping for a cut-and-dried answer, but the necessary dissection has helped me face a few things about myself as well, to acknowledge just how much there is on the plus side here, and acknowledge the undisputed capacity of our fine human race to be just plain stupid, from time to time. Keenan thanks again: I'm so sorry you went through that, and hope that you can find yourself an island of sanity in it all, and the life you deserve. You're not in the minority, however -- lots of feedback has included the "EW!" factor. You're so right, re-predictibility -- it's so important to me....I'm one of those annoying women who practically require a contract written in blood, before I can trust. And this has just left me with no guarantees, at all. Need2BMe, hello again, n thank you: yessir, the lil friend made his appearance. Guess he just wanted to talk about whatever popped up (arrgh, shoot me, lol). Very very very bad stuff, very bad violation, and never appropriate under any circumstances. If he had shown me the slightest attitude about it, anything but the horrified sorrow he has, I'd have just walloped him. Just the help in establishing that I wasn't overreacting was huge, folks. Now to the $64 000 question: Thick conversations indeed are the only solution, Need2Be, you're right. And we've been having them. I will say, if I haven't before, that we have always had amazing communication, can just hang out and yap for hours, and he has always been as willing as I to pull even all-nighters when dealing with an important enough issue. Even if it means going to work on 3 hrs sleep. Random tidbits: historically, he's usually the first to apologize during disputes. The first to let go of his pride. After 6 yrs, he still calls twice a day, every day, to a) see if we need anything and b) to say hi and chat. Still compliments me, still chases me around the house, still tells me he loves me everyday. Has continued to do so during all of this (except for the chasing part), while maintaining his distance out of respect for my anger. Ok, next: the latest update, the verdict, if you haven't guessed already.

Hi everyone -- once again, thanks so much for your input. Need2BMe: He's a handsome guy and I've even jokingly turned him around so (close) friends could see his cute butt, lol. BUT, this was way over the line, to me: it was his penis, it was behind my back (no, it wouldn't have been ok, if I had been there either, lol). And it struck me as predatory. As well as the fact that he put Linda in a bad spot by doing it in her shop AND she has that nuttily jealous husband....he's managed to upset some other things, too, with this, but I'll spare you the details. Annie: that's another prong I'm stuck on. He does appear to be absolutely mortified, the first thing he did was cry and beg for forgiveness...he's even confessed to one of his brothers apparently, who agreed that yes, "that was pretty fricking stupid." In most other ways, he's a wonderful guy. Supportive, sexy, intelligent, hard working. He hardly even surfs porn. Arrgh. Melrich: Very much out of character, smacks of brainf**t, now that I have calmed somehwat. He's very conscious of public image. I jokingly call him our PR guy. Yes, happened within the last week or so. Agreed, you're right, the last thing I should do is make a hard and fast decision while I'm still so angry. Admittedly, I can hold a heck of a grudge. Thanks again, everyone. The general consensus here (and from very good friends sworn to secrecy) seems to be leaning toward the fact that, in all other ways, he's damn near perfect -- adores me to boot. I believe that not only is he terrified that I am going to leave, he has frightened himself with this act. He has always been very tightly wrapped, very proper...much more so than me. I will admit that I have had trust issues all my life....but in the last few years, I've actually boasted that I could leave him with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders without worrying. Perhaps, in addition to being angry, my pride has also been injured? We're sleeping in separate beds. He has expressed sorrow again tonight, and appears devastated. I'm very slowly leaning towards giving him another chance....I'm just very afraid of making a mistake.... Thanks again, everyone, so much. God, what to do..... Ms. M

Hi Karol. Well, if you ARE up for it, phone sex between consenting people can be a lot of fun, I hear. If you're looking for tips on how to do it, there is a messageboard I can recommend that is run by phone sex operators. It's very intelligently run, with lots of advice from women in the business that includes tips on what to say and how. I came accross it one night (I have varied interests and sometimes just troll for weird stuff to read, lol) and found it very educational. I don't know if I am permitted to post a link to another board here, but if yes, tell me here, and I'll find the link for you. Ms. M.

Hi Chick So sorry your mother is so cold and abusive to you. I can understand where you're coming from because my mother, too, is abusive. I cut her off completely 10 yrs ago, after realizing that, given the way she treats me, I don't even like her, let alone love her, and that all she adds to my life is pain. But you never quite get over the betrayal of knowing that the person who should love and protect you the most isn't capable of it. In the end, I decided that my mother is simply too selfish and twisted to love ANYONE. So please, try to remember and believe this: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You're not weird. You sound like a very nice, intelligent girl. Of course you are sensitive after a lifetime of abuse, and unfortunately, in dealing with this woman, you will certainly have to toughen up, and try not to let her get under your skin. Easier said than done, yes, I know.. I understand that, if you're financially dependent on her, it will be very difficult for you to leave home to finish your schooling. But if it's at ALL possible, I think you should try. At the very least, if she "dislikes" you so much, your leaving should make her "happy" -- not that this sort of person is ever really capable of being happy. Is it possible for you to enlist the help of other family members? Can you talk to your brother and sisters? Your father? Bottom line -- she is abusive. She has picked you for a target for some reason -- probably because she KNOWS your sensitive and that she can hurt you. But again, it's NOT your fault -- your sensitivity is not a weakness, it is what makes you you, and she has taken advantage of it. She is a sick woman. Good luck. Ms. M.

Hey everyone, thanks so much for the input. I'm still kind of split-leaning-towards-leaving, but good to know I'm not the only one who immediately went EWWWW! K will try to address each of you: Coolchick: truth be told, yes I considered that possibility as well, but Linda is actually positive to a fault (otherwise she'd have left her own husband years ago) and has difficulty exressing anger. And yes, it was a weird place for the conversation to go in the first place, you're right. Maybe she let it go that far....maybe she has deep hidden issues with men and wanted to see how much trouble he could get himself into. Lil R: Yes, very immature! Whether or not he has done this before is certainly one of the things I have to worry about now. Or will again... He's willing to wear the leash (he scared himself, too, I think). Now I guess I have to decide if I can be bothered, lol. Belle: yes, that's the feeling I have. Something long repressed reared its ugly head that day. At the very least, got a little too excited by the attention. Which is ridiculous, cause believe me, he gets lots from me. Ocean Eyes: YES, humiliating, embarrassing...you hit the nail on the head. I'm questioning everything. And have always said that when you have to, it might be time to get out. Shelly: There's the other prong I'm stuck on. In almost all other ways, he's been great -- supportive, intelligent (most of the time), hard workign...blah blah blah. The bugger is even handsome and good in bed (although a little light on the sex drive for a couple of years -- but he WAS getting better). He is (sorry guys, I'm sure you hate this phrase), eminently trainable once he has had the fear of God put into him.... That's the key phrase, though. Why should I have to police a grown man? Stari: if you were going through what I'm going through, you'd be convincing yourself of whatever the heck you needed to;-) I AM extremely strong, and have always been able to "remove the arm to save the body", but I'm also human, and facing walking away from a very deep love. Annie: yes, very strange, and I knew there would be a few who would be a bit skeptical. Thanks for the open mind. Always was a pretty good husband other than that (although a little self-involved and needs a yank back once in awhile from himself), no abuse, lots of support, and hard working. No medication, drugs, nor was he drinking. Keenan: thanks, I knew it would sound pretty weird, so thank you too for your open mind. Thank you, I do have my head on pretty straight, and if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd probably say "get the heck out, girl!" Unfortunately, it's harder when it's happening to you. I agree -- untapped well of creepiness, could pop up again once his fear of me wears off. Forgive? Maybe...forget? well...let's say that one of my faults is that, when betrayed badly enough, I have a terribly vindictive streak. I can see treating him like a loser for a LONG time, I wouldn't be able to help it, and I don't want to be that kind of cold shrewish person. Jenny: yes, there was ALL kinds of opportunity for him to stop and go "whoa, what the hell am I thinking??" And he'd even brought me up in convo, so I couldn't have been TOO far from his mind. I have told him he needs help, yes, and that no matter what I do, he should definitely see someone. He's not arguing about it. That's the other prong I'm on -- ever being able to let this go, and trust and RESPECT him again. Once again, everyone, thanks soooo much -- lots of grey areas here, I understand that and no one can decide for me, but this has been very helpful. Any further thoughts, anyone, please feel free. One final note: I have a plan for my future already worked out, will have lots of support from friends and family, can easily find another job in another town, and DH has already assured me that he will not let me go penniless. Have a great day

Hello, everyone -- I'm new here, been reading a bit, everyone seems compassionate and intelligent, and I thought, well *sigh*, here goes. I apologize in advance for how long this is. As you may guess from the title, I'm looking for validation more than anything else. Yep, he flashed my hairdresser. AND her friend. Here's the story: We've been together 6 years, have been through lots, get along incredibly well, and were the envy of our friends for our closeness. We've had a few minor issues, but have gotten through them all. Above all, we've been deeply in love, lots of respect, lots of trust, great communication. You name it, we got it. Or so I thought. A week or so ago, Dear Hubby, 37, had an appt with our hairdresser (she's one of my best friends, we both go to her, I totally trust her) for a haircut. A friend of hers, Tanya, whom we've never met, was there too. I understand the conversation was brisk and lightly flirty -- that's cool, we know my friend, Linda, well enough for that. Linda finished DH's hair, and then moved on to do Tanya. His appt was at 12:30 -- didn't get home till 3. Linda says that after that he just kept hanging around and hanging around. He apparently even made a comment about "his wife" -- brought me up in the conversation. Eventually Linda fell silent, letting him and Tanya talk, figuring he'd get the hint. A joke was made about flashing, everyone yukked it up, then he made to leave. Linda can really only see her friends in the shop (for reasons I'll get to later), so they settle in for a chat. Five minutes later, he comes back. They look at him like "What?" "I'm going to call your bluff," he says. They laughed again, then when he headed to the bathroom (Linda owns the shop and no one was there, but the three of them), the girls were like "No way...he's not going to do it...no way! Don't do it! We don't want to see it!" They called it through the door. Her shop's bathroom is behind her salon chair, which faces a mirror. Several minutes later (it dawned on them that he was wanking on it to get it hard) "Look in the mirror," they hear from behind them. Sure enough, there he is, and yes, he was. They act disgusted, and he leaves. HE says, at this point, all he was thinking of (despite how much he "adores" me), was "Well, you wanted to see it." Thats' it. Nothing else. Ten feet down the road, he said it hit him. What he had done. And that she would tell me. Linda did indeed call me, a day or so later, and told me to ask him "what he did in the shop". That's all she could say, there were people around. I play smart (knowing she would never suggest such a thing without cause, but imagining it can't be too serious), and say, "Linda said she had something to tell me...did she say anything to you, the other day?" "Noo, not a thing," he says. Then goes on a golf trip with his brothers and parents for 4 days. He left on Friday around 1pm. 5pm, Linda calls me, tells me everything. 7pm, DH calls, I say "Get rid of your family and call me back". He knew right away. Calls me back, and spills his guts. It's all true, however, in his version, they egged him on. Which is nuts, because A) this was during business hours at Linda's shop, and B) her husband is insanely jealous -- if she so much as looks at another man, he hounds her for months. She never would have been comfortable with such behaviour, in case her husband came by. Got home last night from the golf trip (to his credit, he did ask if I wanted him to come home -- I told him no, or I'd kick his * * *), and was immediately bawling and begging me not to leave. My first instinct -- you blew it, it's over. He is no kid. He's 37, works with the public, KNOWS about Linda's husband, KNEW she would tell me. And he knows that, while I am logical and intelligent, when crossed badly enough I can hold a grudge like no one's business. I have already been assured that they have considered charges. His excuse: he has no idea what came over him, but he is wretchedly sorry, will I please don't leave? It's all I want to do. I am disgusted by him (and believe me, I'm no prude), that he would throw over everything we've worked for, over a stupid juvenile impulse. To have even brought me up in conversation (oh, and Linda says, revealed something VERY personal to this Tanya woman), done it to a friend....in that environment....to risk his job...our marriage....LINDA'S marriage...his freedom if they charge him! Oh and to add to the fun (not to toot my own horn here), I'm beautiful, sexually open, and am always trying to get into his pants. I also work my * * * off AND do all the housework. I told him to just go wallop his mother the next time he wants to ruin his life. My dilemma? And I feel stupid for even needing to ask this -- I'm a very strong woman, and I do NOT get treated this way -- arrrgh: in light of all the love, trust, compatibility, how abjectly sorry he is (I could have him goosestepping for the next 10 yrs if I wanted -- he's shaking in his boots), does he deserve another chance? I COULD possibly get over it...someday....but frankly, I have no interest in a man I have to police. Nor, do I want to stay and become the kind of shrew this could turn me into. Frankly, if he had half a brain, the way I feel about him right now, he wouldn't WANT me to stay. Your thoughts, please? And thank you so much for listening. Again, I apologize about then length. Ms. M.