Venga

isisastaria... you seem to know just how i feel. i don't know what it is.. i've been doing alot better lately. i used to be really depressed when i was younger.. but i haven't had any problems until this schoolyear. i breakdown alot... and this was the worst its ever been. i haven't really done anything like this ever since. and yes... it has much to do with self disgust and all that... i'm reallyunhappy with myself. i hate that i dont have any talents, i hate my body, i hate that i feel i can't control it. i'm healthy... i eat well, exercise... i'm a pretty active person. tai chi, yoga, pilates... i run three times a week [usually..] and i'm even taking up skateboarding. my biggest problem is that i think i eat too much sitting alone in my dormroom. i don't like the way my mind works... just the kind of person i am. i have never felt like i was good enough for anything... i've come to terms with my body. I'm not a big fan of it... but i'm comfortable with "this is how i look." whatever. But i don't think anyone else has come to terms with how i look... i doubt anyone would want to see me at the beach... and i avoid such occasions. I've seriously considered surgery to fix some problems (i would be so much more comfortable if my thighs were smaller... and didn't rub as much as they do..) and i'm still considering it.. i always feel like a burden... like no one wants to see me or hear my problems or deal with me when i break down.. i jsut take everything out on myself.

but everytime a breakdown someone has to help me back up. i'm not comfortable around anyone...just my boyfriend. and people seem to think i'm mean because of that. someone always has to be there for me. i'm always uncomfortable with my body or my clothes or my looks or how i don't know how to do things... i don't even know how to act around people sometimes i just don't see a reason. if i can't enjoy life and i'm a burden to everyone i know... its hard to go on. but really i'm trying.

Thank you Locke..... thats why i'm here so much! this site has helped so much when i need a rant. plus i like to help people that i can relate to. [from chatt, living in middle TN, moving to Knox!]

thanks guys about my breakdown... i just had everything on my shoulders and i lost it. i got pretty drunk and i just wanted to destroy everything. my grades, i didn't have a job, my rough relationship status, my looks, my weight, feeling alone away at college, i felt like my friends were only hassling me about decisions i've made..... i felt like the world fell on my shoulders at one moment. i really didn't want to live anymore. I've never really cut myself much before. when i was a lot younger [11 - 13] i tried to cut my wrist or took pills.... but i've pretty much been fine ever since. anyway, i had an almost-uncontrolable urge to hurt myself in some way... to just have to fight to survive. i told my boyfriend everything. i've done some pretty stupid things around him, and he hasn't yelled at me or made me feel bad in any way... i think since i've been reassured around him, i know he's there for me and i feel comfortable enough to open up to him now. I've really been fine ever since. i'm glad you all were concerned

i broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years, and i had all the same feelings/silly actions of this girl... i still do from time to time. That guy was my best friend and i can't imagine life without him in it. But i just wasn't happy with him, and i don't think i was good for him. Its still really hard to let go, but it happens with time. she still cares about you and she wants to know how things are with you. she probably worries when you aren't around.... a long relationship is a big void to fill.... this is how she's handling it.

a few weeks ago, i had a pretty bad breakdown and i ended up cutting myself here and there.. one of which involved the word HATE on my leg... and its pretty big. [no worries... i've been fine ever since] i put neosporin and lotion on it all the time, hoping it would heal without a scar, but i was wrong. i really don't know what to do to make it fade. i don't want my friends or family to know what i've done...

i'm on the opposite side, so i can't really relate. i can't seem to lose weight for my life. I started a birth control pill last year, and i gained 10 lbs in about 5 months. i was already heavier than i'd like to be. i no longer take it, but i think it started a downward spiral of me wanting to eat constantly. i have the same mental image, built, but not in a way that looks fat. but in my mind... i have to keep up with nutrition and stuff, so i eat too much. i've even wanted to be anorexic.... i don't really have any advice to give, just my side of your story. and i wish you the best of luck. just try to do what's best for your body and make yourself happy

she gets upset if we don't hang out or if i don't talk to her often... she thinks i'm avoiding her. but when he's around she obviously wants nothing to do with us.... i don't know how to talk to her about it.

my best friend doesn't like that guy i want to be with... and just to get you up to speed: I have had a complicated love life since July 2006, having broken up with my boyfriend of nearly four years because i fell for an old highschool friend [Jay]. while i tried to hold off on a relationship to get myself back together, my friend [rachel] introduces me to a third guy of interest... a very close friend of hers. As of now, i have decided that the previous boyfriend and me will not work together.. so we aren't talking. as for the guy my friend introduced, i decided we weren't right either [nothing in common, i didn't like where it was going... he's just not what i wanted in a relationship] so he decided that he doesn't want to see me if we aren't together... now, i promise this is less confusing! i'm down to just the one guy, and my problem is this: Jay talked to rachel on the internet one day and said something to offend her... now this whole thing has nothing to do with me and i'm not going to jump in the middle. i think they can handle it themselves... but rachel doesn't want to. as far as i know, she got the feeling that he was telling her she was being a bad friend to me, so she stopped talking to him. and his story is that he was just talking and mentioned how great of friends we are and not to let any boys come between us [not that its happened, but he didn't want things to hurt us]. i think its a big misunderstanding, and i asked rachel if she tried to talk to jay about it, and she doesn't want to. as of this moment i am crazy about Jay. We spend alot of time together when we can because i go to school 200 miles from where he lives. i have never clicked with anyone as well as we do. i fell in love with him... i plan to go to school near him and live with him as well... rachel saw me on campus with him, holding his hand, and later she asked me "he didn't kiss you did he? i saw him holding your hand..." and i immediately said no, as if it was nothing. we were at a friend's place with more people around, and this wasn't the time for be to talk about it, and i just brushed it off as quickly as possible. i don't understand why she spoke of it as if he was doing something wrong by holding my hand... and if he kissed me [which we did kiss... we did many things..] i don't want to lie about it but i don't want to defend myself. rachel doesn't know this because i don't want to hear her criticism. no one really knows this because i have been so complicated lately i'm trying to avoid the attention. i'm still pretty sensative to the whole thing.. i haven't been around rachel as much this year because she seems to have changed... she's very critical of me and the things i do and sometimes i'm pretty uncomfortable with the things she points out (like my body or how i should wear this and that, or how i should wear more make up) .... i just feel like i'm not good enough to be her friend, and she has other friends who fit all the things she tells me. i no longer want to live in the dark about Jay. rachel wanted me to live in an apartment with her next school year, but i don't want to if i'm with jay... his visits would be all kinds of awkward...and.. i'm sure you understand. i think i'm going to lose another friend in all of this, and i'm pretty cool with that. i would love for them to patch things up... jay has even try many times to talk to her, and she doesn't say much back and pretty much ignores him.. i think that's pretty stubborn on her part. i don't know why i can't just out and say all of this to her. which is the reason why i think it was a misunderstanding in the first place... she doesn't take this stuff well. any time i have confronted her she has taken it in the worst way possible. i don't know how to go about this situation at all....

i'm a college student that hasn't been able to find the right dream career. after much thought i decided i would like to look into wedding planning. but how do you get into this sort of thing? classes are offered here and there, there are books that can be read, and i would like to shadow someone at first... any advice is greatly appreciated!

I've been with my boyfriend for three 1/2 years. We're doing fine, but there have been times, several acutally, when i felt we needed a break. I'm his first girlfriend, and he's my second serious relationship. I've never had time to just Date. But recently, i fell for a friend of mine. He moved away a few years ago, and he comes back for visits every now and then. I've always had a thing for him, But one on one of his visits, we hung out alot, and we just Click. I've never clicked with anyone this well. He;s such an amazing and beautiful person. I feel that i need/want time from my boyfriend. I don't want to collapse our realtionship. I don't want to throw it away to take a chance with someone who lives really far away. But i'm sitting around thinking about someone else all the time. He deserves better, doesn't he? I don't know why i feel so strongly about this, but for the first time in our relationship, i noticed someone else, and i fell really hard for him. what can i do?

alreadydead. thank you. i need not worry about their being impressed. if he's going to marry me...then he's going to do it. and i have plenty of time to accomplish the things i want. and an update: i got a job. But the people in my house are still killing me. My parents went on a small vacation, leaving me with my brother, his girlfriend and their baby. His girlfriend seems to think that she has taken over as the Mother. yes she is the mother, but she acts like she's MY mother..... and she's doing a bad job. she can't even pick up after herself..and she doesn't even have a job. she doesn't make an attempt to get a job, or learn to drive.....i could go on for days. i think i'll make a post about her...because she's driving my mother crazy as well.

i don't purposely try to ruin my relationship. I just get on these little kicks sometimes, when i KNOW my boyfriend can do better. i KNOW he could bring home a better girl to his family. someone he can be proud of. someone his family can be proud of. He's so great, he deserves the best...and i don't think that's me. but it isn't up to me what he wants....so i try to be the best i can for him....but i'm still coming up short.

everything in my life lately has made me feel small, worthless, insignificant, etc. I've been suicidal before, and the thought still crosses my mind, but i don't think i'll do it. So how do i make my life worth living? I am home from college for the summer and i have been trying since the very beginning of May to get a job. No one seems to want summer only help (and i can't bring myself to lie about it). My household drives me crazy. it is almost unbearable to live here, and i would love to get an apartment, but i have no furniture, or a JOB... But my boyfriend seems to think its just easy as hell to get a job and an apartment just like that. I know that it is unlikely to find somewhere to live for two or three months. His family, young and old, accomplishes such great things that i feel like i am not good enough to become a part of his family. Everything is so much easier said than done. and one by one everything in my life just starts to crash. the good part is that i still have this great relationship, no matter how many times i have tried to sabotage it.... ** i only touched on a few problems here. but the rest of my problems can be saved for a later post. but trust me, there are problems...

I had been switching birth control pills because there was always some side effect i didn't like...the last of which was gaining about 10 pounds in five months. So i talked to my doctor and decided to stop taking them altogether. I have had sex this month, but we used condoms, spermicide and all. on the pill, i would start on wednesday of that week, and i haven't started yet. I know i should give it more time before i start to freak out, but i woke up slightly nausiated this morning, and that worried me. For any of you that have taken and stopped taking the pill, how well did you 'adjust' afterward? do i have anything to worry about? what should i do?