Leigh

I'm so sorry to hear that nottoogreen. I'm sure it must have been very difficult to have to see someone you love slip away before your eyes. Do you ever get to see her anymore?

That's a very inspiring story MASB1X, and completely in line with what my hopelessly romantic mind needs to remember to focus on now. Just because someone is away from you, doesn't mean that you won't find your way back to each other. I need to remember to treat this time as a blessing in disguise - I now have an opportunity to see if the love we had was actually real. I just hope I can deal with the answer. Thanks for keeping up on my story guys.

DN, I absolutely agree that this is also a journey of self-discovery. The stronger part may come at some point, but to be honest...today was not as great as yesterday. In my 9 hours on the road today (now outside of Vancouver) I must confess that I was struggling with my emotions. I somehow managed to get myself into a cycle of negative thinking...He'll never want to try again...What did I do wrong...the farther I drive away the less chance there will be to reconcile...and other similarly destructive trains of thought. By the time I checked into the hotel I was convinced that I might as well just give up now and realize that he's not ever coming back. Had to check in via phone with some friends/family and let them know I had arrived safely for the night. With each call I began to feel better about myself..that there WERE people who cared for me...that it was okay and even expected for me to feel a bit down under the circumstances...and that they were understanding of the strength that it had taken me just to get this far. Thanks to the conversations, I have managed to put things back in their proper perspective. It's out of my hands, so just try to relax. Part of me wants to believe it's over for good, just so I can go through the hurt once and get it over with. The other, more dominant part, however, will not allow that glimmer of hope (reconciliation) to be taken away. I think it's all I'm running on right now, and wrong as that seems...it's the only thing that's making this bearable. I had my first painful breakup when I was attending university...I remember coming accross a poem called "After a While." While many of the words were inspiring - one section in particular has always stuck with me: "After awhile you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child." Whenever I wanted to cry or call the ex today I kept reminding myself that, if nothing else, I would walk away with grace. The urges to contact him were especially strong near the US/Canada border. I don't know why, but it just felt wrong leaving the country without saying goodbye. I also averted near disastrous ex contact while taking a break at a rest stop in Oregon. The mountains were so stunning and all I kept thinking was how I wanted to be able to share that experience with 'D'. True to NC, I called my gf instead. Day 3 NC has been really rough. I'd give anything to have him email me to see if i'm okay - it's hard to shake that he just doesn't care...

Thanks nottoogreen and MASB1X, I really appreciate the support. I'm writing from a hotel room in Oregon...had a long meditative drive here (8 hours yesterday), and am feeling much more relaxed. At first, the drive seemed torturous...alone...in a car...with only your thoughts to distract you. But, the more I thought about things, the more I realized that, aside from the recent negativity in the relationship, a thousand happy memories of 'D' and I rushed back to me. Memories of living in a foreign country - two displaced expats that stuck out like a sore thumb. Sailing and snorkelling together, running around frantically trying to catch rainwater during a downpour when our cistern went dry, hiking to a secluded lake in the middle of the rainforest, a thousand sunsets watched together from the hammock... I just hope those memories are enough to remind him that the experiences we shared are worth trying to recapture. Right now I'm just concentrating on this trip, and visiting my great friends along the way. I know I can't get to my future without letting go of my past, so that's what I intend to do. Whether that next chapter involves 'D' or not, remains to be seen. Either way, I know I need this time to get stronger on my own. I'm going to try my best to make this into an adventure and try not to take things to heart so much. If he's really my match, then he'll want to be by my side again once I've had this time to find my independence. Day 3 - NC - The morning's are tough - but starting to feel better... Back to the road! L.

Hitting the road in an hour or so and things are finally starting to hit me. Once I leave this country I'll be thousands of miles from the ex - making reconciliation nearly impossible. Does anyone out there think that if the love is real, in time, no distance is too great? I know if I were to stay in Cali that at some point the ex and I would probably have another chance - but I would feel so much better if you guys could reassure me that love knows no boundaries... and that if it's meant to be, this distance I'm creating between us won't kill our chances forever. As I've said before - I KNOW we still love each other very much... would love to hear a success story from someone who's moved away like this and still managed to reconcile despite the obstacles. I know that reconciliation shouldn't be on my mind at this point but, to be honest, that hope is the only thing that's getting me through this trip... Words of encouragement would be really, really appreciated today. *Sigh* Just another weak moment I guess - Day 2 NC.

Hmmm - I really think he could benefit from a visit to the doctor if he's depressed. I understand that things get pretty bleak when you've moved away from your support network (I'm just leaving that same situation after moving to another country with my bf - now ex.) If you're really feeling suicidal though, hun - you need to seek out some help. There is no shame in that - you need to be able to focus on a happy thought for your future and realize that this too shall pass. As for the relationship, I think he needs to take charge of his own life ASAP. If you really want to help him, spend your time together mapping out an action plan to get him out of the basement. I would also tackle the drinking thing immediately. Good Luck.

I'm not sure because every scenario is different. For many people, NC is the only way to go - but if you've continued contact with your ex then i understand why you think it will send the wrong message to just up and ignore her. From what i've read on this forum on several posts... maintaining contact on the premise of only being friends is great - if you only ever just want to be JUST a friend. If you want to be more than that, then IMO you should become unavailable quickly... Thinking back to my own experiences with exes - even if I was just going the friend route with a guy, if he suddenly didn't have so much time for me (ie: unavailable, too busy etc.) that might be just what I needed to evaluate whether or not I wanted to lose him in my life. What I'm saying is, you don't need to suddenly start ignoring her...always be friendly when she DOES make contact - but start to be out more often - begin ending conversations quicker and say you have something you've gotta go do.... don't always pick up the phone when she calls! Don't return every phonecall! Right now she KNOWS you're there for her (which means you can't be with someone else - which means there is NO RUSH to have you as anything BUT a friend.) Become more mysterious about how YOU'RE spending your time AND become less available. If she truly values your company, she'll know that she needs to move you up from friend status to regain your undivided attention. And if she doesn't value your time and doesn't want you around? Then you've got all the time in the world to find a person who WILL value you. Don't settle for anything less - you ARE NOT her safety net/ego-boost/pseudo bf minus ANY COMMITMENT. Don't be standoffish, be nice - just make her VALUE every second of attention you give her by limiting contact.

Feeling a bit better having taken charge of our contact (or lack thereof)...just unpacked the things that he sent me from our place and he actually included things I hadn't put on my list like my camera and discman (for my trip to Europe) and my cat's favourite toy...(the cat stayed with me but the ex had become very attached to him). I'm feeling much better knowing that he put thought into what he sent me (as there is still an apt full of my personal things that he could have tossed in)...the camera and discman were buried somewhere in boxes in the office and I hadn't even asked for them... It's nice to know he still likes to try to make me happy in little ways, even though we can't be together now. Still maintaining strict NC and heading out for my solo road trip back to Canada tomorrow morning... A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders...he still cares and that gives me hope that someday, if it's meant to be, we may find our way together again. No matter what happens - I know I'm leaving with my dignity and sending a clear message that I'm moving on with my life. Week 1 IS FINALLY OVER - but boy, what a rollercoaster!

Day 1 NC - He now knows that I left the country without saying goodbye and chose not to wait around for his call/potential visit... I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Wow, pee-jay and confusedashell - I can really relate to the two of you... If you get the chance I would love it if you would read my post as I dealt with both the displacement issue of moving for a loved one, AND the unresolved issues from my past. The only difference is that my bf and I were not married. Unfortunately, my bf never really relayed how seriously my issues were affecting him - so one day he just up and quit the relationship and I was left feeling completely discarded and betrayed. This was only a week ago - he told me he still loves me - but he wasn't willing to give me a chance to work things through... Is that possible? Can you love someone and NOT try to work it out? If you love your wife - sit her down and talk to her about this. Don't bring it up during an argument either, because she'll only think you're finding a reason to cause conflict, and will likely not take it to heart. Good Luck. L.

Thanks nottoogreen. The trip is going to take me 7 days as I'm stopping in three different provinces to visit friends that are also from where I lived in the Caribbean, so it should be nice to get caught up. I'll confess I'd like that first week of NC to have an effect on the ex - but primarily, I'm just hoping I won't hurt as much when this trip is done. The longest we've gone without contact in a year and a half is 2 days, so this is gonna be tough... I think because I'll be so busy travelling that I may have an easier time coping with the NC than the ex. I'm wondering how he'll be as he's still living in our apt surrounded by all of our things...all our memories. I'm sure he's fully expecting us to continue contact as we've done this past week. The problem with cutting ties now is that I don't want him to think that I'm suddenly going NC because I'm hurt that he didn't choose to see me this weekend (even though that's the catalyst, I was planning on doing it after I got my things anyway.) I don't want him thinking I'm just being juvenile and punishing him. I guess there is no right way to go NC - no matter how it happens he'll either care or he won't. At least this way I'm feeling in control again.

"I think I fear losing her more than she fears losing me, and I tend to think that if I sever contact like you're saying, it'll send mixed messages to HER..." I know you're scared - and I'm going through the same thing as I'm only in week 1 of my breakup and I've been in LC - but it's so painful I'm switching to NC immediately. If our exes care, no amount of "anger" over us not being available to them will make a difference. If you don't think she cares about losing you the same as you care - then why get back into that situation? A relationship requires balance...anything less means that one person is always having to work harder just to feel loved. One of the reasons I wanted to leave my last relationship was because I didn't feel he was putting the same effort into it - and was taking me for granted. Am I petrified that cutting contact will just give him time to realize that life is better without me? No - because if he really, truly believes that then he doesn't deserve me! Remember that! I want love from a man and to find out if this person really loves me I have to cut all contact (he broke up with me). He might miss me and realize what he's lost. He might not. But I'd rather know if it's real NOW then after I've invested more years into it. Sever contact - if she loves you she will do what it takes to be with you... Don't fear her anger - if she's angry then that means you have an impact on her still...let her wallow in that and figure out why it bothers her that you are no longer available.

I totally agree with you about the dumpers not always being aholes. I have a unique situation where I was both dumper and dumpee in my breakup a week ago. I was becoming depressed due to the loss of a job and couldn't stand feeling like a burden on my bf while I looked for more work.. The problem was that my bf and I had just moved from another country together 2 months ago with the promise that the biz he was creating with another guy would have work for me (which was promptly farmed out to cheaper labour overseas - but still promised to pick up in a couple of months). So i was resentful for having quit a good job offshore for a job that didn't exist (while my bf, being a partner, was becoming quite successful.) Anyway, long story short, I was unhappy and wanted to leave, but changed my mind at the last - wanted to try a break instead so I could get back onto my feet without dragging him down - and he wouldn't allow it - he said he loved me still very much but that it had to end. So, yes, I initiated it (dumper) but, in the end I was dumped.... Regret AND abandonment together is not pleasant - believe me. Hurts more because i know my bf and I were perfect for each other up until the move (year and a half live in relationship). Anyway, just saying, sometimes it's not always so cut and dry. My ex broke up with me because he couldn't stand to see me upset anymore... good thing he can't see me now!

Relationship Coach - no offense - but your pic is making me wanna cry my eyes out.

Update for anyone following this thread - the ex has not called but is still in the area. He still has to contact me so that I can go pick up my things. I've decided in order to feel better, that I'm going to be proactive. I'm driving home to Canada while he's still here - I have family that are willing to grab my things for me... He will expect that I would jump at this chance to see him... I need to send a clear message that my life is going on without him... the more I act this way - the more I know I'll start to believe it. The thought of his reaction to hearing that I chose to give up the opportunity to make contact helps me feel a little stronger. Does that sound crazy?

I would say cut all contact right now. Don't tell her you're doing it -just don't be there anymore. You cannot be her emotional pincushion everytime she wants an ego boost (ie: making you jealous etc.). What does SHE have to be angry about? How would SHE feel if YOU talked about another woman after so short of a period after the break up. (btw, DON'T DO THIS.) Do not feel like you OWE her contact. If she dates this other guy - all the better for you... That new romance will not overshadow the year and a half of memories that the two of you have together and she will be measuring this guy against you. We all know how we enjoy the familiar - she will have a tough time with the new guy just because he doesn't feel as comfortable as you. Let her sow her oats - cut your contact - let her wonder what YOU'RE up to and I believe, in time, she'll be back. You have to be patient though - your actions at this crucial time may ruin any chances of reconciliation later. TRUST IN LOVE - if it was real then once you're gone, she'll miss you... but you HAVE TO CUT CONTACT TO LET HER MISS YOU!!!! And DON'T MAKE FUTURE PLANS WITH HER FOR A FEW MONTHS DOWN THE ROAD. I was struggling with this urge as well, but at the end of the day, you're really saying that you'll still be there...you want THEM to think that you've got a life to live too - without them. Good luck. L.

I'm sorry hun, I know how hard it is - I'm only in week 1 and am struggling not to cry every second that I'm awake. All I can say is just remember that you loved before and you WILL love again, only next time you'll be even stronger and wiser for having gotten through this healing process. Life is full of hard lessons, and trusting another person with your heart is always a risk. Get ANGRY that they didn't see what a GIFT that was - it is THEIR loss that they had someone who obviously loved them so completely. Sometimes it seems like a curse to be able to love someone with 100% of yourself - but remember, there are many people out there who have NEVER felt that kind of love. Be proud that you were not afraid to love. Get your self-worth back, hun. You are a loving person who deserves to find someone who's willing to love at the level that you do. That being said - if the tears and the pain have been unbearable, to the point of debilitating your daily life (though I know you don't want to hear this) I would talk to your doctor, sweetheart. Breakups often trigger depression, and if left untreated it could seriously affect all the other areas of your life until you really feel you have nothing left. I know, I've been there and there is NO SHAME in getting help. Once I had it, I felt so much better that I kicked myself for ever letting the stigma keep me from seeing a doctor. You only live once hun, take charge to make sure that each day is as happy as it can be. Post often or feel free to contact me if you need any help through this. I know it's tough. But only you can make it better. The love of your life is out there somewhere - don't you want to be the best you can be when you meet him? L.

Thanks for the replies - the problem I'm having right now isn't so much obsessing over the guy as it is being distraught over losing everything else is the process... I know that i just need to let go but we'd had such a magical bond and were inseparable until 2 months ago so it's really tough... I am also struggling because he made sure to tell me on the phone last week that I was missed and that he was struggling as well. I have a hard time walking away and giving up my home etc. knowing that we still care for each other very much. I guess that's the urgency you're hearing in my posts. It's not a breakup where we can just continue on with our daily routine, same town, same job, same friends - and have minimal steps to take should we like to reconcile one day. Once I leave, I'm in a new country with less of a hope for ever reconciling again, despite the fact that my things are still in the old apt with him. I have no doubt that we love each other - I also have no doubt that I need to get my life in order on my own. Despite having been in an abusive relationship I was not feeling the impact of the esteem problems until late in the relationship when I felt my independence was lost due to the job falling through. It was due to my need to not feel like a burden to my bf that I even suggested leaving - though, admittedly, I realize now that this fear of mine drove him away. For now I'm just concentrating on bettering my life and implementing NC after I get my things this weekend. Despite how it's coming accross in the posts - up until 2 months ago our relationship was the kind that our friends said they looked at for inspiration. We were inseparable, supportive and adventurous together. I believe in fate - and I believe in love. What's meant to be will be. If it was real - then it will endure and if it wasn't, then the real thing is still out there... Funny how time can be both your worst nightmare and yet be the only thing that will ultimately help you heal...

" No contact is the best. Seeing him again made me see him in a new light. The spark that was there pre break up isn't really there and he's become very average." Just out of curiosity - do you guys feel that NC causes the spark to die in the DUMPER as well? Out of sight, out of mind - so to speak? I know many relationships end due to a loss of love etc... and so the dumper may not have had a spark anymore to lose - but what about the ones who left still very much in love with you... but felt they had to leave for other issues of incompatibility? Would NC cause whatever was left in them to die?

"Jep, happy news hits hard at times... So he knew it would upset you? To side track from meeting you? Guess he'll call you to talk about your things and if not will leave them in San Jose and message you. You did not ruin anything me thinks. Let's wait and see." Nottoogreen, I honestly believe he was truly oblivious to how I would react to that news...my problem is that I'm trying to show him how UNemotional and confident I'm trying to become and there I go and ruin all the work I've been doing on myself in one short reaction. My heart is telling me he won't be calling me tonight --- I guess I should be happy that he didn't say 'No' outright to seeing me (which he would have if he didn't want to as he's very direct.) Another question - do you think I should read into the fact that he's chosen THIS weekend (right after our breakup) to come visit this friend who's only 15 minutes from where I now am?

Kuhl, I'm going to try to be myself - the self that won't break down into tears when I have to say goodbye and no it's going to be NC for at least a month...

DN - thanks for the reply...I know I shouldn't be putting my life on hold for the guy, but I can't stand the thought of hauling all of my furniture all the way back to Canada only 2 months after carting it to Cali...I also know that once this hasty decision has been made, the pure fact that the things are moved back will put the nail in the coffin on any reconciliation...it's only been a week - do you think I should just get outta Dodge? We were so incredible up until the probs surfaced with work in LA...

Jeez, I haven't even seen him yet and already something has gone wrong...We were chatting on his cell and discussing when to meet etc. when he told me that friends of ours (the ones that set us up) have just announced they're getting married. I had a meltdown on the phone - he apologized for upsetting me and I feel like a complete idiot. To make things worse I then asked him if he thought it would be better if he just left the things at his friend's place in San Jose for me to pick up after he goes back to LA....he paused and said "ahhh...Sure" but the hesitation was there so I asked him straight up if he wanted to see me before I go back to Canada...He told me he needs some times to think about it and that he'll call me back... I phoned back about a half hour later and left a message apologizing for having gotten upset over our friend's news and that I hadn't meant to sound as if I wasn't happy for them - that the news had just caused a bit of a jolt to my otherwise productive week and that I didn't mean to put pressure on us seeing each other - maybe we would talk later and ended on a happy goodbye. Have I blown it? I'm not calling him again and can only hope that he has the understanding to appreciate why that news hit me so hard at this point in my life. I had consciously tried to be very friendly/aloof with him, but couldn't keep that up after hearing their happy news... I feel like such an idiot - tell me I didn't ruin things...

Hi Guys, My bf of a year and a half and I broke up a week ago - forcing me to have to move up to San Fran to stay with family while I figure things out. My Ex and I had just moved to LA 2 months ago from living together for a year in the Caribbean. Please see for more information on the details. The ex has told me that there is no chance of reconciliation, but since then we've had contact and he told me he was genuinely shocked at how much progress I'd made on myself this week (my esteem problems were part of the breakup.) After having phone contact he sent me an email to let me know that it had been good to talk to me and that he was planning a trip up to San Jose to visit mutual friends and did I need him to bring me anything? I have been acting strong like I'm getting on with my life and am planning to drive home to Canada next week - and then hopefully a tour in Europe - just to get over this mess. The ex has agreed to keep all my things in the apt while I figure things out (could be months and he knows). So what I want to know is.... 1) If things were truly over wouldn't he have insisted I get my things out (furniture etc.) or at the very least insisted that he bring the rest of my personal effects this weekend so that they aren't lingering around the apt? 2) Since the breakup was over esteem probs and he's now seeing that I'm taking steps to improve it (seminars, counselling etc.) do you think it's possible that he might not come back just based on the fact that I'm finally doing better now that he's gone? and 3) Should I try to see if after a few months back at home (in Canada) he may let me stay at the apt (platonically) to look for work in LA (as we don't know anyone else there and all of my things are there - after all, it WAS my home too...) He is a stubborn person and I believe that one of the main obstacles here is how to ease back into this without announcing to everyone that I'm moving back in someday...We still love each other very much..TODAY IS MY LAST CHANCE BEFORE I MAKE A HUGE MOVE CLOSING THE DOOR... how do I open the possibility of later without scaring him off? Thanks L