Hi Everyone,
This is the first time I've ever posted here...I will apologize in advance, as my story is a bit complex and requires some detail to give you a clear picture of my current situation.
My bf of a year and a half and I met 4 years ago. We began as friends and he helped me through recovering after a 3-year abusive relationship. We connected instantly, but were unable to pursue a relationship as he was living offshore. He came home one year to visit family at xmas ...and we became absolutely inseparable - Within 2 months I was flying to visit 'D' at his home in the Caribbean.
Within 2 days of my landing in the Caribbean, 'D' had managed to find a job opening for me in my field, and long story short, after returning 5 weeks back at home to graduate college, by May, I was blissfully living with him in the islands. Our relationship was beyond incredible - we treated each other with complete respect, partook in all of the adventures a location like that can offer, and loved each other at a level that neither of us had felt before. (He was not one to be in serious relationships and didn't easily open himself up to others.) It truly was too good to be true for someone who had endured so much hurt at the hands of the last person she loved.
So I had picked up my entire life and moved it to a foreign country for love. In November, (just 7 months after my first move), D tells me that he has just gotten an opportunity to merge his net biz with a guy in CA... I was very happy for him, but as he discussed plans for the two of us to move to the States, I became irrationally fearful that, once we moved, the Los Angeles materialistic lifestyle would ruin this fairytale love that we had created together.... His new biz partners were wealthy perpetual bachelor types, and I feared he would feel tied down with me at home and resent that I was keeping him from the exciting playboy lifestyle they led)...but he persisted in convincing me that I needed to be with him to the point of getting me employment through their new biz (my area of work complemented their company). Fearful as I was at picking up my life and quitting my job for a second time in one year, I realized that I would never forgive myself if I left him now out of fear.
In February, I flew home to Canada to pack up furniture that I'd previously kept in storage and drove accross the country to Los Angeles to help us set up our new apartment. A month into this move, a substantial amount of the work (web design) that had been promised to me began to be farmed to cheaper labour in another country. I was crushed as now I was unable to make my bills. I asked D what had happened and he told me that 1- that it was out of his hands (other partner had bigger say and was thrifty), 2- that things would 'likely' pick up in June (2 months later), and 3- that it was MY responsibility to approach the partner and try to "straighten things out". At his suggestion I became resentful as I was now being put in a position to "call" the partner on broken promises made to MY BF (about the availability of design work) and not to me.
Weeks went on with work still lagging, while my bf and I's relationship became VERY strained. I was feeling guilty about my inability to pull my weight while searching for a full-time job, and he became increasingly frustrated with my inability to "snap out" of the disappoinment of no longer being included in their biz on the level as promised. I stopped going out with him and his 2 bachelor friends, and almost overnight, he seemed to change his level of tolerance for being supportive of my sadness over being broke. I felt very betrayed at having moved all that way with promises of ample work, only to be leaning on my bf now just to make ends meet. (He was financially willing and able to support us, but I'm not the type to be able to feel good about myself without standing on my own two feet.)
Long story short (or long *sorry*), during a heated argument, I tell him that I'm unhappy and think I might leave to San Francisco (where I had family to stay with) to find work/get away from our bickering/end things. He, being the level-headed, supportive boyfriend that he is, understood and supported my decision. I hastily packed my bags, we tearfully said goodbye while he told me he was having "mixed emotions", "still loved me but that we could not live together", and, as a result, I realized what a good thing I was about to throw away. I asked him if we could just take this time as a break so that I could get back on my feet again on my own. To my surprise, he told me that it was too late for that, and that it was time to go. I asked him if I could have 2 days to get a Uhaul together to bring my furniture with me now instead of having to come back again later, (giving us closure). Suddenly, he became very angry (defense mechanism for feeling rejected I was leaving?) He turned very mean ...and I couldn't understand why he had instantly become so cruel... I mean I was respecting his decision for this to be it, but I just wanted time to get my things out. As dysfunctional as this sounds, please keep in mind that it had never been like this in the relationship. He finally left the apartment and told me that I should not be there when he returns. The door closed, I cried uncontrollably, and I must have had only 10 minutes sleep that night before leaving at 7 am the next morning (he stayed at his friend's). This happened a week ago today...I'm in San Fran, still trying to grasp what's happened to the relationship that was so incredible only 2 months before.
I would have never talked about leaving had I not felt so unwanted (combination of being a financial burden and his going out with his friends more often.) I still remember a week ago, he told me he loved me more than anything in this world. I know this was not lip service..I know he really is sincere in his feelings. I tried to implement NC, but after 3 days I broke down and phoned him Sunday night to make sure he hadn't had a change of heart. He answered the phone with enthusiasm when he heard it was me...asked me how I was doing...I cried and told him that I was okay but that I missed him and wished we could just leave the door open and see if, after some time, we could work things out. (Big mistake I know.) He felt that much of our trouble since the move was due to my insecurity/sadness over not being employed (and lingering esteem probs from previous relationship)....I offered to take time away to work on that area in myself...and felt relief when he agreed to not push me out completely. Then, the next sentence, he changes his mind and tells me that I need to do this for myself, not because I'm waiting for him, and that he's sorry, he doesn't see a future for us. I began crying and he apologized again and hung up on me. Against my better judgement, I wrote him a long email explaining how I was sorry that things hadn't worked out...how the lack of work for me affected my ability to be happy with myself...and that I was prepared to do as he'd asked and let him go.
Again, so sorry for the crazy long post, but I am beyond crushed at how quickly this has all come to be. I know he loves me, but he thinks that lines have been crossed that cannot be uncrossed (my family is now involved as I'm temporarily staying with them while I figure out my next move). I have been trying to get my life together since - but am now without a home, job and relationship - in short, I'm lost. I am in complete shock that only a week ago we were as loving as we'd ever been... What should I do? Now I'm thinking that I might take the summer, work and travel alone in Europe to regain the self-esteem that was such an issue to him. I phoned him and he's agreed to keep my things in the apt while I'm gone (as I can't afford to lug it back to Canada at this time) and seemed genuinely impressed and proud of me that I was taking real strides in bettering myself and becoming more positive (said he was speechless over the change and "didn't know how to feel that I hadn't been that way when we were together...") I also saw promise in his willingness to keep my things for me and not finish things completely (although he DOES need the furniture and MAY only be keeping it out of guilt because he knew I couldn't afford to haul it back home, I still think if he were done he'd want my things out?) I know I need a few months to get stronger again and I know he's only ever wanted me to experience life and regain my confidence...although this trip is for myself I believe that he may remember why he loves me once he sees I'm doing my best to become a better, more independent person again. Do you think there is any chance for us? Our LC has been very upbeat and positive (with no 'us' talk). He's also driving some more of my things up to me tomorrow as coming up to visit a friend of ours nearby...I'm leaving next week to go back home to Canada (showing him I'm not waiting around for him) and he will be in our hometown visiting his parents for a month in July (trip planned pre-breakup)...So we MAY have that time together in Canada before i leave for Europe...
I know we still love each other...I think we just need some time...How do I show him that I'm independent in another country without making him think that a move back to Cali is completely out of the question?
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated as I've never found myself in this vulnerable of a position before. He's incredibly headstrong and doesn't easily admit mistakes, and I fear that he'll throw our love away over a problem that was fixable. I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me...
Thanks for taking the time to read my rant.
L.
