Leigh

Thanks Ta_ree_saw. We have not discussed his trip here at all... he's been very chatty with me in IMs as we used to be (had LDR before moving in together so MSN was our main way of communicating), and hasn't been giving me aloof responses (ie: not just humouring me). I know LC is a bad idea with an ex... sometimes I think I should just let him go completely. Because of the circumstances of our break up (me saying I needed to sort myself out), some of our friends have wondered if maybe he's just giving me the time to do that... only he's not letting me know that he's waiting around for me as he told me after the break up that I "need to do this for myself, not because I think he's going to be there in the end." Even still, if that's the case, he's taking an AWFULLY big risk of losing me while I sit here thinking we're in fact done for good. In response to that thought, my friend said that maybe he's testing me to see if I'M still there in the end...prove my love for him after being apart, so to speak. Maybe just wishful thinking... I don't even know WHAT to think anymore. Has anyone had any experience with a situation like this?

Hi Everyone, For those of you following my posts, you'll know that I'm roughly a month into a break up with my 1.5 year relationship (living together). The past month has been absolute hell... I've done my best to keep up with NC, but the most the ex and I have managed to accomplish is LC (mostly emails and MSN). All of my furniture etc. is still back in the apartment with him in California, while I'm now back in Canada trying to figure out my life again. The ex and I have agreed to be friends...he'll be here in a couple of weeks to visit his own family and I'm so fearful of what may (or may not) happen when he's here. I wish I could just turn off my heart for an entire day to make this nagging emptiness disappear. It's like a weight that's always in the back of my mind, just waiting to be triggered by something I see or hear that reminds me of our time together. I've been getting out and seeing friends, trying to busy myself -but 2 of my closest ones have JUST gotten engaged, so that's been really tough. Last night one of these couples (mutual friends of the ex and I) were showing me their wedding bouquets and the gf made a point of saying how she thought my ex and I were going to be the first ones to announce our engagement. I held back tears until I got to my car...then I cried all the way home. I really believed he would be the man I would marry, and seeing their preparations somehow managed to make me feel every MORE alone than I already felt. My ex had NEVER thought about settling down before me (perpetual bachelor type) and his best friend (who just got engaged) was telling me last night that he'd NEVER seen my ex ever care about anyone like he did with me. This has been told to me by everyone in the exes' life (including his mother). I can't help but wonder... doesn't that level of caring count for anything? Could he just be scared of a relationship that was becoming serious? He'd never even lived with a woman before me and we not only lived together for a year and a half, we hopped around different countries together... the only thing that remained consistent in our lives moving around so much was who we woke up next to every morning.. and we were perfectly happy living that way. I'm doing my best to forgive myself for leaving him (and to forgive him for not understanding why I needed the break and breaking up with me completely.) I pray every night that we'll get past all of the confusion that's been caused by this break up and follow the love that is still in both of our hearts. But, in the end, DESIRE must transcend FEAR. Your desire to be with someone MUST be stronger than the FEAR of being hurt or rejected again. His fear is still in charge... and I have to accept that. Thanks for reading.

Don't worry about the bluntness, I realize that some of the details have been muffled in my posts, so I'll try to clarify the blanks. That's correct... I feared giving up my steady job in the islands because, while I trusted my ex, I didn't know the new majority biz partner from a hole in the ground... His biz partner renagged on specific projects that had been promised to me to save money (minimal amounts of money - the biz was profitting in the hundreds of thousands - the savings were incremental) putting the ex in a position of being pulled between trying to fight for the jobs for me, and relenting to the partner... The site that I had designed as one of my initial projects wound up pulling in a full 50% of the profits of the 2 sites together (the biz partner's own site and my exes site) without ANY marketing while the biz partner's site had invested tens of thousands in marketing to get those same results... what I'm saying is the lack of work for me wasn't due to unsatisfactory work from my end... I feel the business partner was purposefully trying to eek me out as he had promised my ex that after a year I would also have a stake in the overall profit-sharing...what incentive does this savvy business man have to give work to me (allowing me to eventually share in the profits), when he can outsource the work and not have to give any of the profits away? (ie: just said whatever he needed to to appease my ex into moving/merging and once all was said and done dropped my end of the deal almost immediately.) Correct. The situation was very unhealthy for both my ex and I - he was unhappy because I was unhappy and with all of his new stresses I felt like a burden on him. Except I was going to stay with family, and I had discussed the possibility of me leaving a couple of weeks before (with no real date set to leave)... things were mostly great during the period that followed... but the first real argument that we had after this discussion, quickly jumped to HIM saying "haven't you left yet?"... prompting me to follow through the following day. (Even though the night before the argument things had been really strong - ie: we were still very much in love with each other - and i believe his angry words the following day were said in haste.) Sorta. On his way up to San Jose, I phoned him on his cell. We had a light conversation, (we were joking and cheery), where I let him know that I was planning on heading to Canada the following week (as I could no longer stay with family in San Fran and was also not able to return to LA). I asked him if he would like to see me before I left and he told me he didn't know, and would think about it and call me back. He didn't call that night. The following day we were IMing on MSN (very briefly - less than 5 sentences before I signed off) and I told him that I would like to see he and his friend (that he was visiting) later that day and I also wanted to get his friend's wife's contact info and to call me if that was a possibility (I was friendly with him, but NOT needy in any way)... but he never phoned. Though he still may have planned on seeing me his last day there before heading back to LA, I preemptively decided to leave for Canada and send family to grab my things. I felt this was the only way to shield my heart from the rejection of having him return to LA without ever having contacted me while in the area...which at that point I felt was a strong possibility. I told him before I came home that Europe was a possibility to travel (not move) as I felt (and told him) that it would be a good way to clear my head and regain some lost self-esteem. I also felt (though DID NOT say this) that it would give us some more time (a couple of months) to figure things out without me having to plant roots somewhere (get a job etc.), which would ultimately be making it more difficult to reconcile later. (Again, I did not tell him this was my reasoning.) Going to Europe also meant that we would not have to address the furniture situation - as obviously, if I'm in Europe, I will not be needing to move my things from the apartment. (My things are still there now...not sure if he's just doing me a favour or also holding out hope that we may work things out later.) Since I've been home, he's been made aware that I'm looking at my next move because I have to find work again (he knows I don't necessarily want to settle in North America), though when he's asked where, I haven't specified any location. (Partly because I'm not sure yet, and partly because I don't want to give him the impression that anything with my moving is set in stone at this point.) I don't really know what else I'm supposed to do as I need to move on with my life so long as he isn't moving towards reconciling with me. lol. I understand where you were coming from. Running away from being rejected I think. When LA happened and I saw that I had less to offer him (couldn't carry my weight and was depressed that my opportunity had all been an illusion) I needed a bit more reassurance from him... when I would openly feel down (NOT very often did I show this side to him) he was unable to be there for me (think he felt too guilty as I had quit my job on his word that the partner would make good on his promises). I had no friends as we'd only just moved there. I had zero support. I couldn't see the forest for the trees and knew the only way to pull out of the funk I was in was to leave to gain a better perspective. To help you understand why I was feeling so confused/lost - LA was my third home (3 different countries) in one year... two full time jobs in my field had been left to be with this man... and 2 moves...) Unfortunately, initially I had not told him that I only needed *some* time instead of a complete break up (not sure why, the final day happened so quickly and I had wanted to talk to him about a time frame before the blow up)... so by the time I was almost out the door and told him I only wanted a break - he was so angry that he ended things completely. I'm not upset that he isn't chasing me, I'm upset that he won't forgive me for leaving. A few days following the break up I had phoned him and presented ways that we could fix the situation in the future (ie: not pressing the biz partner for work for me anymore which the ex would NOT stop doing even though I had asked him to let it go; letting me get my own job where I would make my own friends and help to build a new support network for myself; attending couples counselling to help with our communication.) As I stated in an earlier post, he had sounded relieved to agree to keep the door open for us and only backed away completely when I tried to put a time frame on the reconciliation. (I also feel he was still quite angry/hurt at this point.) I know you're right about slowing down... I just don't know how to balance moving on with my life and not completely mashing any hope of reconciliation. The ex and I spoke again today on IM - and he seemed very chatty and happy to speak to me - I ended things after about 10 minutes, and things felt really comfortable between us for the first time since the breakup last month. Not sure if there is any hope here. I wonder what his motivations are for now being a friend to me so early after the break up. If all goes well I think I may get the chance to see him when he comes home in a few weeks. I DO plan on discussing what happened with him more if I feel that there is any chance that he may be willing to try again. I intend to have my next move *almost* firmly in place by the time he gets here so I won't be completely devastated if things don't look promising for us. Thanks so much for taking the time to give such a detailed response. I really appreciate your advice and have read your post from the "dumper" side to help give me hope that there CAN be reconciliation if the love is still there. Any new insights with respect to the revised information?

If the exes become friends again after a serious relationship after only a month of LC, do you think their reasons are likely misguided? Say both parties are aware that they both still love each other and choose to maintain a friendship, do you think that they are both aware that the "premise" (ie: friendship) may in reality be a chance for reconciliation? (ie: not so misguided) I guess I'm wondering if there are any success stories out there of people who have reconciled by maintaining friendships with their exes... is it so terrible to be "friendzoned?" Sorry if that was confusing - it's getting late... Thanks for your advice.

BTW, I've decided to disappear from showing online for at least a couple of weeks now to try to undo the damage... I guess I should be happy that he wants to be in my life, but I can't help but be sad that he really seems to have stopped loving me? One added thought... he kept saying that I needed to figure things out and got a bit unnerved when I kept talking about following signs etc.. as opposed to using logic to find my way again. I don't think he likes the unpredicatability of where I may go if I'm left to following the stars so to speak.

Well it happened, I IMed the ex... he said Hi Me: I was beginning to think you'd forgotten all about me..." Him: I have been getting on with life... (OUCH OMG that was HARSH to say to someone who hasn't been showing anything but that they've been moving on with life too!) His response seemed angry... defensive.. I didn't understand his need to be harsh. Me: As have I, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten about you... And after that he softened up and chatted with me for 3 hours... What to think? He was initially very friendly and gradually became more aloof later as he was providing me with guidance to help me find my next goal... strange conversation, but because we are both transient types (he more experienced than I) he was trying to be there for me in my current state of limbo and help me find my way again. Advice given included that I may need to take some time to find out what I want and sort things out... that I shouldn't rush, but should set deadlines... that I should enjoy my summer...??? He will be here in a few weeks for about a month to visit family. He is aware that I am currently looking to find my next job location (told him it wouldn't be in Canada but was aloof on where I had been looking at moving next). The second I even hinted at leaving here he immediately asked where I was going. I don't know what to make of this. Part of me thinks that he must really care about me to want to be here for me despite the fact that I'm his ex... Part of me thinks maybe he's just alleviating his guilt - but then I also think he was willing to open the lines of communication BEFORE he comes home - if we're friends then clearly we may now get together when he's here, no? I had already stopped contacting him prior to him unblocking me and us agreeing to be friends... the easiest thing for him to have ended it as a "clean break" would have been to continue without contact until AFTER he had already come and gone from our hometown next month... no chance of mixed messages...no chance to have to deal with the hassle of seeing the ex when he's home... He knows he was in the clear as far as contact from me, so do you think it's a good sign that he's reinitiated before coming home and has also wanted us to be friends only a month after the breakup? Part of me also thinks that he didn't like being "out of the loop" in this critical time for me... every week that passes there is a greater chance that I may have made some huge life decision and may move away where we will not be able to reconcile. When we were in NC he had no way of knowing what I've been doing. He also let on to me in our IMs that he's been meditating daily for the past 2 weeks (same period where he reinitiated emailing and unblocking me)... This is something we used to do together, but had both stopped for months... I have a feeling he may be feeling some anxiety over all of this... he also revealed that from meditating he's seen "no improvement" so maybe this is finally hitting him after all? Would love any thoughts from anyone. I'm trying to approach this logically and go by actions instead of words. Again, his action of unblocking me and being open to communication BEFORE coming home - think there is anything to that?

It's only a small step, but the ex has just today stopped blocking me on MSN. I've been in stealth mode (invisible to everyone) all day, and the ex has just now unblocked me. Only took him 2 weeks! The ex and I on our computers (and MSN) most days all day, so I think my absense today may have gotten him wondering where I was. (Up until today I had been online often and he was still able to see me though I was unable to see him). I'm feeling a bit of relief... and then a whole new set of questions arises. Why has he now unblocked me? Is he now open to us communicating on IM? I'm still in stealth mode so he is yet to see me online at all today - and I don't intend on appearing online for at least a few more days. Still working on job searching offshore and moving on with my life... but every few hours my heart tugs at me and wonders if I'm making a mistake moving so far away when we still love each other so much...

Absolutely. You shouldn't accept anything less. Good Luck.

I would say that while you shouldn't make your best friend choose between the two of you, you must decide whether or not you can accept this situation as it stands. Only you can decide if you can remain friends with her if she continues to have him in her life. Maybe step out for a bit and heal some more. You may need to find some new friends for a little bit. Your mental health comes first!

I really feel that you need to let him come to you if you want any chance of a healthy balanced relationship. If you got him back because YOU always tried then I think that may set an unhealthy precident for the amount of effort he would be willing to give should you reconcile.. I know you think that you have always been the one to initiate so you should continue to put yourself out there.. but in the end, you've made many attempts now. He has been giving you mixed signals, and I think you deserve to have someone who is CLEAR on what they want... YOU. He needs to step up to the plate and make an effort. You need to tell yourself that you're worth this. You've done enough work for now.

Okay, I forced myself to get out of the house. I went to visit an old friend of mine who helped me take my mind off of the ex for a millisecond... I left feeling a bit better, and then sat alone by the waterfront and found some peace with my current situation. (For today.) Found out the ex went to visit family this weekend (he IMed my dad before he left)...we had done that trip together only two months ago, and I wonder if he thought about me at all. I'm sure his family asked about me as we'd gotten along very well. I guess I should be happy that he's been traveling so much on his weekends.. at least I know he's most likely not dating anyone else. I think his biz partner went with him and that makes me mad - I feel like I've been replaced by this guy! Totally unhealthy for me to care about this.. and yet I feel like it's so unfair that his partner was able to lie to me about work and STILL have my ex as his best friend. I feel so betrayed. I have resolved myself to not contacting him... I think he might have said yes to my visit, but I just can't risk the chance that he might not be ready to see me just yet. I can't imagine being devastated anymore than I already am, and yet I know being rejected now would be SO MUCH WORSE. Feeling a bit better tonight... has been 5 days NC since my email. I wish I knew that he was missing me too...

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement... Almost a week since I replied to the exes email and still no response... I'm not sure just what to think and I'm starting to really worry that because I left (regardless of him being the final dumper) he may be expecting that I should make some effort to win him back. I'm thinking of doing something drastic. I have things that need to be sorted through at the my old apartment (where the ex is).. primarily... portfolio pieces that are buried in many different folders... not something I can just have him Fedex my way. I'm thinking of calling the ex and asking him if I can fly there for a week or so to talk things over and grab some of my things. I will have a return ticket and he knows my car is already back in Canada - so no risk of me just staying there.. What do you guys think? If he loves me don't you think he'd say yes? I don't want to push things - but my excuse is genuine.

Okay so it's been 4 days and the ex has not responded to my email... I'm not sure what this is about as I know he's on the computer everyday and is making a conscious choice not to reply to me...yet. His initial email regarding a bill also opened up communication by asking me how I was. I, in turn replied that i had handled said bill, told him I was fine and asked him how things were with him. That's it.. short email, no details of my life... I'm not sure if maybe he was expecting me to open up more about what's happening with my life (as I'm usually VERY open)... so it may have thrown him off. Also puzzling is his contact with my father... apparently he IMed my dad yesterday to wish him a happy birthday... I have no clue how he even knew it was his birthday? My dad says that the ex has bumped up initiating conversations with him this week (since the email to me)... should I read into the fact that he's staying close to my family this way? They weren't THAT close when we were together and now they chat all the time... Why hasn't he contacted me back? What is he trying to show me? Would love some advice please... again, still sure he loves me and is hurt/angry that I left... why no reply when I was nice enough to reply to him the next day?

Sweetheart, I think the best thing you can do here is keep your dignity intact. If you confront him on the email... he will know that he cannot trust you, which almost certainly will end ANY chance you may have had - or ever will have with being with him. He seems to think the grass is greener on the other side right now... I think your best bet here is to end things first. Tell him that you don't feel that his feelings are as strong as they were before and then LET HIM GO. I know this will be excruciatingly hard, but the truth is.. that if you are truly meant for each other he'll be back. You need to keep your pride in check here.. I fear he may break up with you if things do happen with this other woman and then you're still out this relationship AND your pride. You have a gift right now by knowing what's really going on in the sidelines... Use that knowledge to your advantage. Leave him.. let him go to her.. I know this will be impossibly hard but it's the best thing because: 1- He is showing you he can't be trusted 2- He is not sure about your relationship *right now* 3- He isn't giving you what YOU need Go back to the "you always want what you can't have" philosophy... Right now he is curious about this other girl... but can't have her because he's with you... making her look even MORE attractive. Make yourself into the unattainable... leave first... he MAY go to her. Let this happen because if he REALLY loves you he will BE BACK. Whether you take him back is a whole other question. But I see leaving as a win win for you either way. You will always question what is going on behind your back.. everytime he goes out.. is that what you want? If you love something set it free dear... you'll love yourself more for not allowing someone to treat you this way AND it's IMHO also your best chance to rid him of this curiosity and *possibly* get him back! Good Luck. L.

Does emotionally prepared mean that he's waiting until he's over me? Or just until he's more clear on what he wants to do with this situation? I'm so clueless right now on what he's thinking... I completely understand and am familiar with your posts. It's very difficult when you're the kind of person who likes to experience the world. My ex and I were incredibly compatible for this reason...we spent New Year's this year on a remote island hiking with a guide for 8 miles in the middle of the rainforest. It's memories like these that make it so hard to let this go... How can he just walk away from how great we were together? I know I have to do what makes me happy...but am in that same dilemma...do I move and put the final nail in the coffin? He has to know that I'm now forced to figure out my life... i think he thinks I'm laying low at home until this settles... I'm not giving up completely until he asks me to get my things out of the apartment. All I can say, Ranlian, is that you need to follow your heart. If your heart tells you to follow your dreams then trust that. I'm a big believer in fate...if you two are truly meant to be then maybe she can join you at your next destination?

Sadly I realize that he needs space and time now. The problem is that I'm now sitting in limbo with all of my things back in our apartment. All of the furniture was mine, I still have clothing in the closet...the fact that he hasn't contacted either me or my father (they talk almost everyday) about when I'm coming to get my things has given me hope that maybe he's waiting this out for a couple of months...I should also add that he'll be in our home town (where I am now) for the entire month of July. I don't know if maybe he's planning on seeing me then? Unfortunately, moving on for me means moving away. I'm now working on applying for jobs offshore again, as I don't think I'll be happy working and living in North America. It's sad because I know once I'm gone...that'll probably be it for the ex and I. We were supposed to move back offshore again next year after things were initially set up with the biz (only needs to be close to this partner to start the biz and then can move away from each other..) It's only 7 months away from when we were moving again...maybe there will still be hope later. I still can't figure why he initially agreed to be there in the end...but bailed when I gave the month timeframe...

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. I'm feeling a bit better about the situation, however, I'm still having a hard time figuring out how I should handle this now... everything in me wants to call the ex and tell him that we can work this out. But, then my wiser side knows that this decision has to come from him. He needs to see that I had no choice but to leave and forgive me for the hurt I've caused him. Given the circumstances..does it sound like I've got any hope?

At the time of the break up, I left LA and drove 5 hours away to stay with family for a week. The 3rd day there, I phoned the ex and he divulged how much he missed me. I asked him not to close the door and told him that I'd like to return in a month and try again. He initially was relieved and promised to be there in the end...then commented that a month wasn't enough time...then said that I had to do this for myself not because he'd be there in the end...then told me he had to take his own path now. Talk about mixed messages. My next contact with him was 4 days later - I phoned to discuss bills, but was cheerful and didn't discuss the relationship - he, in turn, offered to me that he was struggling with his emotions..but I didn't ask him to elaborate as I was petrified of discussing the relationship again after being rejected the last convo. I then left the US and drove home to Canada - I only made contact once during my 9 day treck - on the 7th day I phoned for less than a minute to tell him I was okay. Again, I didn't discuss the relationship...and I sounded happy and friendly. A week has passed since that brief call, and I've noticed that I'm blocked. Yet, yesterday I received an email from him asking me how I am... Yes this sounds like him. I think he may be regretting his hasty reactions in my first phonecall (ie: saying he had to go his own way).. and may now fear saying something that he doesn't mean and having it push me farther away. After all, that short sentence is what told me that there was nothing worth hanging around in Cali for...and now I'm miles away in Canada. Thanks for the words of encouragement...I'll try not to let it hurt me so much...

Thank you very much...I've been really suffering and beating myself up for leaving as I know if I hadn't we would still be together... But I did what I felt I had to for that time. Yes, I felt the same way about the guilty conscience. He is in CONSTANT contact with his partner on MSN all day, plus on phone, plus face-to-face meetings multiple times a week. It was really hurting me to hear the two of them getting on so well when this guy had a knife jammed in my back. I really tried my best not to take it out on the ex...it killed me to see him caught in between. Yes, and I knew that he wouldn't be able to cut out of his deal. I would LOVE to get back together - it'll be a month on Friday since I left LA. I'm absolutely miserable as our relationship was immaculate until the move to LA. I just cross my fingers that he'll come around... he's very headstrong though and it's hard to say if he'll be willing to take me back...

Thanks guys, All interesting possibilities... The background on the breakup is that we had just moved to LA from living in the Caribbean together for over a year. The ex had a chance to merger his biz with a partner in Cali and as the ex wouldn't relocate without me, the partner promised steady work for me as well (I'm a graphic designer and their biz is web-based.) Anyway, shortly after making the move my work began to dwindle while the biz became very successful. My ex was only a 30% partner so the main guy had final say in decisions. My work was farmed out to cheaper labour in another country...and while my ex tried to stick up for me, he was ultimately caught in between and had a ton of money now tied up in contract with this guy. When he called the guy on my broken promises, he was told "business is business...personal is personal." Would have been nice if he'd been that clear BEFORE I relocated my life. Anyway, as it was such a toxic situation for me, (quitting a good job in the islands for one that didn't exist in LA)...I began to feel depressed. I had been looking for work in LA and the ex was happy to look after our bills as he felt really guilty that his partner had lied to me and I was now unemployed. Long story short, I felt betrayed and unhappy and tearfully told the ex that I wanted to leave...but as I was going told him that I only wanted it to be a break so I could regroup...he, in turn, was so hurt that I was bailing on us in tough times, told me that it was over. Since then, he's revealed to me that he's having mixed emotions about the whole thing. I know he's still caught in between... and has stress on him due to the new business. We still love each other very much, and the ex had never gotten even remotely as serious with any woman as he did with me...which I think increased the level of pain at my leaving.

Hi all, Just a quick question... My ex has recently blocked me on MSN (even though I haven't been contacting him on it since the break up)... I wasn't blocked until 2 weeks after the breakup, and the only change in that period was that I have since driven home to Canada from our place in California. (Lived together for 1.5 years.) In addition, one week after blocking me he's sent me a friendly email and seems to want to open the lines of communication again. Yet, I'm still blocked? Anyone have any thoughts on this? We didn't have a bitter break up or anything and I'm wondering if he's trying to elicit an "absense makes the heart grow fonder" type of reaction... I haven't indulged him in giving him any reaction at all to the blocking - but he knows that I know because he's online all day and is in contact with my father by MSN on a regular basis.

I could call, but I can't risk the rejection. I think maybe he still needs time. If he really realizes that he wants me in his life, he'll do anything to make that happen, right? Nope, no matches for either of us in the Loser article.

I don't think you came accross as any of those things...but I DO think the two of you need to clearly define just what kind of relationship you have that you still feel the need to clarify where you stand with each other. I'm sorry, I know you want to think of her as fondly as possible - but I think she's already proven that she is unable to behave maturely here...unless she's getting her own way. My advice would be to stop having any association with her until she's gotten rid of the other man. You'll only prolong your pain.