monsieur
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Everything posted by monsieur
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you are right I think, me being shy and a little unconfident find it easier to take that approach and not have to jump out on a limb though, to make friends first is by far less intimidating.... it is too bad that women don't seem to like that approach, it would make for much higher quality relationships if it started with two people being best friends in the first place.... seems like the women want it to be a romantic jump in headfirst and supposed to be in love right away kind of thing before really getting to know someone, because once you are friends they are so quick to shut out any possibility for more in their minds that is one thing she told me, is that "her heart tells her pretty much right away" whether she would ever be with the guy or not, she says she likes me alot but only as a friend... this doesn't make sense to my brain and way of thinking... .another gap between the sexes I guess
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I fear that you are right though, and in a year from now I will probably be even more messed up as I'll be even more attached to her and she will really be set in her ways of not allowing herself to be in a relationship with me. This could be a painful lifestyle on my heart and emotions.
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that is so depressing, I think of her all day often, to just walk away would be like tearing my heart out with my fist and dropping it on the ground.. this whole "spark" thing is so confusing to me, if I'm around an eligible girl, and she and I get along good and she is attractive, it is a sure thing for my heart, I will grow to love her..... there isn't some kind of strange "spark" that I keep hearing about when women make excuses for the dumb choices they make in boyfriends
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it must have happened out of all the millions of relationships, a girl that wanted to be friends must have changed her mind later, I know that you can fall out of love, why not the other way yes, I am worried about the friendship because I often lately get the feeling that she is now trying to be too careful not to lead me on by not emailing me as much as she was before I told her my feelings, I am trying to play it cool by not messaging her as much but it is hard, it feels like if I don't make the effort that maybe it will just drift apart, it is a tough dilemma... I know that I am a quality person and would make an outstanding boyfriend to her, hopefully she will realize that because she hasn't made good choices in the past with guys. I am still hoping even though it is ripping my heart out every day.
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girls, if you had a guy friend that you strictly wanted only as a friend, even if he was attractive and all, but for some reason your heart didn't want him for more... would it bother you if he still had hopes that you would change your mind? even if you resaid it again more than once in plain english that you just want to be friends? Should he keep his hopes to himself, or would it be ok if every once in a while he reminded you somehow (email comment or whatever) that deep down in his heart he longs and hopes that you two will get together? Would it hurt the friendship at all to know that he was crazy about you? Of course his behaviour would be perfect, no physical advances or anything, but it would seem important to him to remind you every once in a while that he is still hoping.
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Yeah, it is a tough situation. Forgetting about her and avoiding her would probably be wise, but that would be completely denying my heart. Even though she told me there is no chance, I still refuse to lose hope (I'm too scared to tell her I still have hope after our last 'talk' because I worry SHE might cut me off).... .so I have to continue on, hoping and dreaming that her heart will all of the sudden feel that twinge of love for me. I'm in a confused state though as I feel like I would need to flirt or keep pressing, even subtly, but in a friend state like we are in flirting from me would come accross as very awkward.
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lol I feel exactly the same, even though she told me straight out I still have a part of me that is hoping, I rationalize to myself that maybe it wasn't the right time or something and if I play it right that somehow someday her heart will change........ she told me that she listens to her heart and that is why she wants to be friends only, she said her heart tells her from the start and that it has nothing to do with the way I am or anything I could have done...... I dunno... sounds like mumbo jumbo to me, not the way my heart works, I sometimes think that women have to reject guys all their lives so they end up playing games even in their own minds......
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she told me in plain english that she just wants to be friends it just about killed me, I was kind of expecting it, but it still hit hard, I was a little stunned as she was telling me, I managed to stammer a few sentences like "well, I had hope deep inside that it could turn into more", but she was adamant and said that she didn't give me indications that should have given me hope...... it seems like women can do the write you off as a friendship only thing right off the bat so easily, and they are happy with that, whereas me as a guy falls more and more for the girl
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I agree with you, I am totally infatuated with her. I don't really feel like there is a difference in the base emotion inside me between infatuated and love, just the fact that it could be called infatuated because the love is not returned. Emotionally I think all the ingredients inside are the same (except maybe for the pain and stress of being in love with someone that doesn't love you back)
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thanks for the reply I'm still not completely convinced of the definition in my mind I want her, I want the feelings, so in my mind it is love, but some friends of mine think I am obsessed. And it seems like love is always accompanied by painful emotions.... it is hard to be in love.
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what if you have proximity, but the girl doesn't love you back nearly the same, more like just likes you alot, but you are head over heels in love with her..... what would then make the difference between love and obsession? I still think they are one and the same emotion inside, just different words to interpret the same emotions.
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How do you tell the difference between love and obsession? I am head over heels crazy about a girl, think about her all the time. I don't really think there is a difference between love and obsession.
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sacrificing your own love life for a friend?
monsieur replied to monsieur's topic in Friendship and Friends
you are right, but it is so hard when your heart tells you what to do, and my heart is totally for her...... if she felt the same about me it would be one of the most wonderful relationship stories ever, but she says she likes me alot, but only as friends, because "her heart tells her when she is attracted to someone as a boyfriend", and for me I am just a very good friend to her. I am missing out on any other potential relationships, and months and years could easily pass by..... but it is hard to deny your heart -
Just wondering if any one else here is so crazy about a friend of theirs of the opposite sex but the friend doesn't feel the same way back, but is happy to stay friends? I am thinking seriously about just sacrificing my own chance at a love life with anyone else and just stay as an unrequited friend with her, and always keep some glimmer of hope in my heart that she will change her mind and become attracted to me as more than a friend. I know I have no chance to start anything with any other girls as I am too much into this girl, I compare other girls to her, everything. Being around her takes up all of my emotional longing and love. I would only be able to leave and never see her, ending the friendship, or staying like it is, friends but hoping, maybe for many many years........ I think I am going to stay
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text message and email are a godsend for me too! in person face to face I more often than not get tongue tied and shy and on the phone my brain shuts down the instant there is any silence and I come accross as completely empty brained. On the other hand, in emails or text I can think through things and I am actually extremely good at it. If it wasn't for emails girls I am attracted to would probably not have a clue, because I would be way too scared to show them in real life at first.
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How to tell a friend you have feelings for them....?
monsieur replied to polandsprings's topic in Friendship and Friends
I messed up by letting my cowardice have me saying the things in email and that really screwed everything up, now she hardly emails me anymore, I am driving myself crazy thinking maybe she just doesn't want to lead me on. -
very well said
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I can do that ok. My problem is my shy fear of rejection keeps me from ever leading a conversation towards relationship kinds of connection. I can talk all day about the weather or factual events that happened, but girls seem to get bored with that quickly and move on. My record of messing up has it so now I am expecting to be rejected after a date or two, so now I am getting scared to even try. Any girl I am attracted to I always feel deep down inside that she is out of my league and will dump me the instant she finds out how boring and shy i am.
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How to tell a friend you have feelings for them....?
monsieur replied to polandsprings's topic in Friendship and Friends
you are so lucky, I wish I knew what I know now maybe 3 months ago, I have screwed up a great friendship and ruined what could maybe possibly have been the greatest relationship possible for me. If I had played it cool like you did it would have never messed up. -
you guys missed the point, it may be 70% looks for guys, but that doesn't mean that you go for the hottest girl in the school. Men are very visual, and it just means that your attraction to her is a large part due to looks, she might fit your 'style' preference and it might not be the supermodel preference, but it is still her 'look' that makes a big difference to guys. For women, you could be a model and if you don't have some kind of spark to your personality they tend to drop you really quick. The elusive 'spark' thing that some have and some just don't.
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I know my shyness and fear of rejection even has me totally avoiding those that I am attracted to the most. It is sad, because the girl that I would want to get to know I would end up going out of my way to avoid even running into her, as my fear of rejection or being shy and unconfident is way more powerful inside than my will to better my life relationships. Don't get me wrong, I really really wish I could get better relationships, but the power of shyness and nonconfidence is incredible.
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Be careful about the "interview" type of conversation. I too am really not good at talking, and I found that I was able to hold a conversation with lots of questions, nothing that really helped at all in getting a relationship. I think a conversation where one person just asks questions makes the other person feel uncomfortable. Feeling natural and calm and confident while talking about nothing really is an art some people seem to have, I sure don't.
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I've had girls go out on dates with me for a few months before gradually pulling away and all of the sudden ending it.
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You say she is quality, and she may have good qualities, but she does not sound like it would be a good quality relationship for you. I think communication and mutual desire on both sides is so important, I know if I really like someone I would go way way out of my way to call her on time. To miss something like that is a giant red flag that screams "not into you like you are into me".
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I dunno, I agree that if a girl thinks you have an obsession that that is a kiss of death to any potential relationship, but I am theorizing that that only really comes into play if the girl is not into you in the first place...... guys get an obsession when the girl is playing games and basically not extremely attracted to him so he will try to compensate by more and more displays or words of his committment to her, and that just hastens the rejection process that was already really under way. So back to the original question, what are the things that cause women to reject guys that at first they thought were very attractive?? I know shyness and lack of confidence kills my relationships almost every time, but I'm not sure exactly what things I do or say or not do or say that specifically cools her off?