Big Jim

Its kinda long so i responded on my own thread, didnt want to take away from the topic at hand

Im alright i guess. Me and my ex ran into eachother yesterday and she said she had wanted to talk. Well she was already in a bad mood (whats new) and was totally coldhearted. Well, i hit the roof, lay all my cards down, told her how she has been treating me for 4 months is horrilbe. She starts blaming all her sorrows in life on me, saying i stress her out so much and things are so complicated with me. Ironic, last week after i had avoided her for a week and a half, she told me im the only thing that cheers her up and makes her feel whole. I was completely fed up at this point. She was making it sound like me calling her a @#$!$ last week was the worst thing that has ever happened in her life. I said frankly, when you hung out with another guy and lied to me about it, i forgave you and got over it. If you cant with this, it just proves to me everything i need to know. She starts the defensiveness (she is bad for this) saying all sorts of things, we have been broken up for a long time, no one told you you cant date, move on etc. I simply said, if you had told me this 3 months ago, you would have saved me a lot of heartache. You have been telling me, i love you, dont consider myself single, we are working on things, its still you and me, calling everynight before bed, getting mad when i simply drove a girl-friend home etc. Im so pissed at her, the lies, the angles etc. This girl is depressed and messed right now, but all i wanted was a little honesty, all i wanted was for both of us to know exactly where we stood, but she never wanted to talk, and i got @%#@ed in the end. I avoided her completely today (class) , caught her looking at me a bunch of times then quickly looking away. And to top it off, today of all days she wore the new sweater for the 1st time i had bought for her bday a couple weeks back. Im not reading into this as much as it sounds, she does these things for a reason, shes like that, likes to make points like that. Im actually ok, because yesterday proved a lot to me, she was saying anything for a reaction to get to me. She always says harsh things when mad (bad habit) and it just made me mad. I got my closure yesterday, i love her yes, but she has beening screwing me over too long. She never thought she would lose me, and i know she has taken that and my strong love for granted etc. Its funny, i know what is going on, she doesnt know who she is and is "growing up", also is depressed bad. Her breaking up with me was her trying to "dramatically change" something in her life, which ironically we both know deep down wasnt the problem. (she has been desparate to hold on to me, like the tables have turned and i feel like i dumped her for the last 3 months, ie letters, waiting outside my house, work, school). I know she really truly loves me, but is lost. However yesterday proved how immature she is and how it is not going to work until she grows up and realizes things...on her own. Im moving on, and for the first time do not feel any gulit about it...

Hey majord23 when does someone lose that "power in the situation" you are referring to?

Also i almost find the drama brawl way better in a sick way. When it was civil, i was like * * * * look what im losing, this beautiful, kind, caring girl. Now i think, whoa didnt see that side of you, and surprisingly dont miss her the same way. Im sure this is short term, since the good will be remembered in the long run, but it works right now. Hard to miss someone who was so uncompromising

Just for curiousoity sake, was your guys break up clean and civil, or was it dramatic and fighting. Mine personnaly has progressed from a civil one, to a soap opera style brawl. And was there any contact down the road?? No im not hoping for contact, i could have it if i want, see her all the time, just curious if after such brutal fights and such people let it go and talk.

Scurffism, men want to be him, women want to be with him good job mate

Thanks man, i apprecaite it I got soooo drunk last night it was ridiculous. I ran into her older brother and talked for a very long time. He is digusted by the situation too, thinks she is being a * * * * * and says everyone is wondering what the hell she is doing (in regards to the other family friend guy and still desparately wanting to talk to me etc). He feels she is screwing everyone over. I am so hurt by all of this. She has been bullsh@!$!g since we broke up, i feel like i never meant anything to her over the last 2.5 years. How could i if she is capable of treating me like this?? Its odd, i flip how i view this situation hourly. Half the time i want to believe i know her, want to believe what she is telling me, and that she is as mixed up as she says she is and that most (not all) of this is because she is depressed etc. The ohter times i just think... shes a b!$%h and should go to hell. Can you guess which one im feeling now lol

You got to make your descision here based on what you want. She is lost and unsure which is fair enough. You dont deserve to be treated poorly though. Life is far from perfect and people get mixed up with what they want. It is up to you to decide if you want to keep trying or find someone that has already "found" themselves.

I agree, i was upset by the letter my x left me, i was like its only been a week. I knew i was screwed, because she could not have come to her senses in just a week, and lets say she had wanted to get back, there would be no differecne in her or me. You are definatelly doing the right thing, i wish i had. And if he doesnt mind the NC, well then, he wasnt what you thought and you wouldnt want a relationship with him continuing. You want him to miss you so bad it hurts, it may not happen right away. Im assuming there will be an immediate feeling of relief for him, becuase of his new freedom and no longer having to talk to his ex secertly. It will not last, 5 yrs is a long time, and if he truly loves you, he will miss you so bad it hurts, it wont be able to focus on anything, and be wondering what happened, and whyd he let you go so easily. He will compare things his ex says to things you used to etc. I truly believe people make mistakes and get mixed up with what they want. This does not make them a bad person, but he will not realize things with you around. Best of luck

sorry, my bad lol

Listen to Scout its true, i was the friend for 4 months now, was always avalible to her, and she contacted me whenever she pleased. I was trying to help her with some of her problems, but i should have just gone NC. That way shed have realized what she gave up, ie someone to lean on etc. She got that all form me without actually being with me. Last week i had told her no more, and meant it, and i think it started to hit her what it was like. Got a lenghty letter about how she loves me etc, would give anything to be with me. I misread it as "lets get back" and got burned bad this week. Shes not ready, and we got in probablay the worst fight we've had yesterday, i feel she hates me now. Scout, do you think there is a chance she will re-evealuate what she has done? i feel like ive blown it completely. Is it too late for NC to have any effect? the longest we have not talked in the last 2.5 years to 1 week.

i respect that, sometimes you gotta say "what the fu@#" and just go with it. I did that too, got bruned so so badly, but at least i have a clear conscience cuase i went with my heart. Word of caution though, i said that exact lie, "i know she cares about me and wouldnt lie...etc" it was all wrong. And i know my girl cold. People change, it sucks , but thats life

remind me scruff, was it a messy breakup, or fairly clean???

I appreicate your response majord, yet it still kills me, after having tried so hard to be there for her, for it to end like this. I still love this girl so much, i know what she was doing was wrong and i had to end it, but it feels like yesterday has put a gaint stain on our entire relationship together. I wanted her to look back on us fondly, and remember how good i tried to be to her. Not some angry guy yelling and telling her off. I dunno really bothering me this morning. I always figured maybe there would be a chance for us down the road, after she sorted her self out, now i feel like i have burned all teh brigdes.... sry just upset by all this.

i just wish things hadnt ended on such a bad note. I had written her an email eariler in the morning, saying we cant go on like this and telling her essentailly how im feeling about everything. I was hurt when i wrote it, but it was not mean or anything. It was harsh though, simply because it was true, and when you read her actions on paper it does not sound good. Well she got this after our big fight, and texted me at work "how dare you say those things about me, you know im messed right now, etc". I got a bunch of messages from her, they were all so pissed at me. Funny thing is if she had read it in a good mood, she wouldnt have been. I just hate the fact that we pretty much "hate" eachother, and that the last contact we had was so horrible. I tried so hard to be good to her for the last 4 months, and now i feel im just going to be remmebered as an as@%#@ who "threw all her * * * * in her face"

Well i know i said i was going NC and i swear i was, but things didnt go my way. I was at work on sunday (i work like 40 minutes form her house), and was out at my car for a minute and guess who was there. She had been crying and had a bag for me. I sat and talked in her car for like 10 minutes, her crying and telling me how much she loves and misses me etc. She said she realized so much over the last two weeks and i said we should talk about it. She called me later that night but was kinda sick so we didnt get into anything. However there was a note with some of the stuff she gave me said, "i lvoe you, your my soulmate, you mean so much, i am incomplete without you, i would give anything to be back with you right now etc". I assumed she was getting at getting back together. Then monday she was acting like we were back together, callin me all day etc, tuesday the same thing, was in a great mood at school. We were both super busy so i was like we have to talk still when we have time, and she agreed compltetly, offered to that afternoon, but i was busy. Then wedesday, same story, but wehn i made a joke about talking, she got all stressed out. Then we kinda got into a fight, and she was like why do we have to , etc. What do you want from me? (same old * * * *) i cant give you those answers right now blah blah blah. I got mad, got into a fight went our separate ways. Today was kinda awkward but she came up to talk to me. I could tell she was in a bad mood but she wanted to sit with me in class, well the day went on and she got in a worse mood, until finally she was looking for a fight. I could not take any of this anymore. I said to her, "when did you become such a bit#%, you need to grow the #$@@ up, you cant treat someone like this, its not right" and that is that. Now i feel it is done, cause i never have been like that before to her ever. What gives with writing such a heartfelt letter, then not backing it up at all??

Yeah i went NC finally, trust me its better. I do miss her more then i thought i would, i thought i was in a better spot. But the friends thing was killing me. Since we were so close, she would have days were she was down and open up to me like we were still together, i loved it and made me so happy. But then on days were she felt like being single, trust me, they act like they are single. I couldnt go from having late night or early phone calls to "talk", to her blowing me off for a day or two. Hurt way too much. Also she was lying to me and playing games, that is what really pushed me over teh edge.

you got to do what feels right for you. But word of advice, i was part of my ex for the last 4 months, her best friend etc. It blows. In the back of your mind your always wanting more, reading into small actions, getting pissed when they treat you as....just a friend (ie forgetting to call sometimes, etc). Trust me NC is soooo much easier on the mind. I was actually going crazy

Hey man, ive been following your thread and just want to say best of luck. I see you really love her, and shes trying to figure things out for herself. But you are doing the right thing, you cant take her * * * * anymore, believe me ive been there. She is obviously having a hard time with things, keep doing what your doing, best of luck

no you are completely right. i have made things 100x harder for me. i was trying to be there but just got walked all over. i am hurting bad

Things have gotten really bad for my situation. Monday i hung out with her all day had a great time was so much fun, yet near the end of the day she started to change moods on me again. Was getting cranky and stuff. Well surprise she never calls me monday night. I had said call me if you need anything tongiht, and she always calls, but not then, so i was kinda lost. (im and thougth she would have said her goodnights to me. So i was already in really not reading into this as much as it sounds, trust me, with her every action has significance). Well i was kinda hurt, cause i took her out all day a bad mood, and signed on to my computer. Here is where it gets bad. It signed into her msn account automatically(yet to change that), and i saw a couple new emails from her long time ex. This guy was horrible to her and she had told him off when we were dating. Well my curiosity as to why he was back got the best of me and i read them. i know i shouldnt have, but i have just needed the truth so bad it is killing me. Well the first one was innocent, yet implied they had been talking on the phone a bit, she told me he had called, but never that they had talked. The second one however was a knife in my back. It implied she was hangin out wtih the family friend guy the night she didnt call me, because the ex had called her that night and i guess she got off the phone fast. She actually told him she was "dating someone". This hit me hard. Not only that but it went on to say she had texted the ex "do you still miss me?". None of this makes anysense to me. I have no idea what is lies and what isnt, it is very possible she told the ex she was "dating someone" to avoid confrontation, she has done this before. Or maybe she is lying to me and is in fact dating the other guy, either way she is * * * *ing him over becuase not only is she hanging out with me still and saying i love you, she told the ex she would hang out with him too. I could not handle this anymore, told her first thing in the morning, you have been lying to me since day one , this is too much, goodbye i dont want to talk to you again. Was really hard but had to. I asked her if she was dating the guy and she still denies it. Well that night she called me with some school reason but i never answered, then again yesterday, then texted me like mad today, beggin me not to walk away. Too late for that. I now understand why this is going on, she is mixed up, has absolutely no self confidence, and hates her life, i figure shes trying anything she can to change something, except for herself. Shes got me, the guy she knows loves her so much, shes got some new "exciting" haha guy, and now the guy that broke her heart 5 years ago is also pursueing her, a major ego boost for someone so low. This is gonna all fall apart for her, and i hope it does, she needs to change herself, not her situation. I was kinda relieved to find this all, not that i trust all the information, she lies all the time now to everyone, but it reassured me of just how mixed she is. If she is "seeing" the new guy, that would have really hurt, because everything would have been BS. but the fact that she is reaching out to the ex and even told him they will hang out, shows this new guy isnt the be all and end all. (especially if you knew the ex, the guy is not much of anything and an * * * * * * *). First time i ever thought the ex said anything intelligent, he said something like "obviously your new relationship isnt that great if your willing to hang out with me" hahahah if he only knew what he ws getting into. Im done with it all, i love her more then anything, but this girl has 5 years of emotional baggage that has been avoided surfacing at once, and she needs to do this. She needs to stop living with all her "what ifs?" (ex, new guy, me) and see things as they are, without me there as her best friend. we will see what happens

Holy * * * * im having a hard time with things. One day i feel great, the next just horrible. All i get from her is mixed singals. Yesterday she was having a break down, callled me for teh first time in 4 or 5 days, after i told her no more of this. Well we talked and i cheered her up alot, and she called me before she went out. All this i was fine with, i told her if she was ever competely miserable or down call me, but no just "hey hows it going". However the curve ball happened at night. Outta no where she called me at 12 (drunk with the girls) just to say hi, this was kinda odd. She called again an hour later and i offered to drive her home, didnt want her cabbing it (bad area). She said shed call me back soon to tell me whats going on. Didnt hear from her until about almost 4, her and her friends had got a ride with a friend. I was kinda mad, feeling like i was strung along and thinking thanks for the call back. Yet then she starts her "i really missed you tongiht, i want to see you, i wish we could have just hung out etc." I honestly dont know the truth anymore and am going nuts. Please i know ive been venting a lot, but i am so very lost, any advice would be apprectiated.

solo would you say no to your ex, if she needed you? Do you really think, regardless of what has happened, that if she really (and i mean really) needed you, you could say no? You seem like a solid guy, from what ive read, i would bet all my money that you would be there.

Well im starting to get the impression that strict NC will never be a option. Simply because of two reasons. 1)after just 4 days of not talking, i get a phone call from her. She almost sounded sarced to talk to me, thinking i was going to rip her head off for calling. She was so low and alone and miserable and really needed to talk to me, asked if it was ok that she did...which leads to reason 2) she will never stop reaching out to me unless im a complete * * * * * * * and tell her to * * * * off, which i know i cannot do, it is simply impossible for me to be that cruel to her after everything we have gone through together (there was some really serious stuff outside of "us") Yes i know many think this is not the best approch, and i have to admit i agree. But knowing how i feel about her, im not just talking about gushing love or lust, but actually caring about her as a person, and i cannot abandon her when she calls me while shes having a breakdown. I simply think to myself, even if someone i was not even close to needed help this bad, and i know i did help to an extent, i know i would. So how then can i not do the same for someone who was closer to me than anyone else?? Im starting to see past the "relationship" and all that drama, and am trying to be there when she needs me, in other words trying to be mature. It is very hard to separate the two, and i most likely will fail, but i know that if i had cut her off today, i would regret that. Im know your thinking she is walking all over me, but being compassionate does not have to equal being a pushover. What can i say, i love her unconditionally, which in some cases is unconditionally stupid. We will have to wait and see i guess. Thanks for listening

Thanks for the reply solo Yeah i guess your right. Its hard as hell, i really wanted to be there for her, monday was an amazing day becuase she was so open with the * * * * going on in her life, and completely affectionate towards me. I helped her a lot on monday, that i know, but now i seem like the last person she wants to talk to. Really hard. But i guess this is what i should do. You dont think someones feelings change that quickly do you, monday she was head over heels, then this? I think she is just seriously messed up