strndedbyluv

yea so that heading says it all...im so obsessed with Will (my ex) we had a horrible break up, and hes got some serious mental problems to deal with. I know we are bad for each other. But we have been best friends for so long. (weve known each other since we were ten yrs old) and i jsut miss him so much. its so hard, and I thought it would get easier, but it just keeps getting harder. i had been "dating" a guy for the past 2 months...another old friend of mine, but i just told him we couldnt see each other anymore, because I couldnt even bring myself to kiss him. so we "brokeup" friday, but i didnt even feel like we were dating anyways, cause i love Will so much. im just so stuck on Will... i am really scared, because I am like a stalker. I ride by his house, 3-4 times a day, it is on the way to my parents house, and just right accross a field from my own home, but still i go that way alot of times when i dont have to and actually go the longer route just to see if hes home. I saw him in the yard just last week, and i almost stopped but I was afraid he would tell me to leave. it just didnt seem right. but i have been to his house and knocked on the door and he wouldnt come to the door. im sure he was home...i have also called and he wont answer the phone. so its mainly him thats keeping the nc...but i am so scared! why am i still acting this way after 3 months? how do i get over him!!!! I konw i need therapy and prof. help but I cant afford it right now. i dont have insurance at my job yet... im so scared of myself, i hate life without him, i hate my life totally! and i dont want to be a "stalker" what can i do????

hey christy. i feel ya on this one...as an unattractive person myself. i have learned to deal with it. it is very hard and i have gained tons of weight making myself even more disgusting looking. I do tend to stay out of the crowds, and away from things of that nature...but on the occasions that i do have to venture out into the world, i just try to ignore the stares. it really helped me when i was married, or in a relationship, thats why i have a hard time coping and even living daily life as a single person. When i was with someone, i still knew i was ugly, but it didnt matter because someone wanted me. I just try to tell myself now that there is someone out there for me still. Now when i go out, i just think, oh well...im just a person like them. so what if they look better. Im smart, and have some good things going for me. I implore you to do the same thing. Dont worry about what ppl think about you. just live life for yourself, and try to have fun. Go to a bar, or somewhere to meet new people and act like you are the most beautiful person there. Just for ONE nite and see how you feel. Be confident and talk to anyone who you feel is looking at you. Its hard, but you will see that its not gonna kill ya! once you gain a little confidence and be happy with yourself, others will view you the same way and will want to talk with you and hang aroudn with you. People that stare at you and still dont talk to you are not worth your time in worrying over. Good luck!

yea really...who's really happy? i mean there are some...but for real- their happiness will fade, and probably does more often than we think. i know exactly how ya feel... just take it day by day. thats what i have to do. day by boring miserable hurtful lonesome ridiculous day i hope things brighten up for you. im sorry!

ok, so its been 73 days NC. its so hard. im like riding by his house and wanting to see him so bad!!!!

well...im back here again, cause I feel so alone. i have not seen nor spoke to him in 3 months...he moved out again on April 18th. Im so lost without him. Ive had a bf for the past 2 months, an old friend from school. but i just ended it with him Friday. i just cant be with anyone else. i thought i could get over Will, but Im like obsessed. Im not as suicidal as i was. but the thought pops in my head almost everyday, i just try not to dwell on it.

my injury is fine. its healing quite nicely. im still cutting more than ever these days. i told my sister, and she says she will help pay for me to get some help since i have no insurance. but with the summer coming and me being a teacher, ill have 3 months to find a new job-with insurance...hopefully a state job with wonderful insurance. if i can last that long. i just keep telling myself to hang in there...just one more month...it seems like so long tho.

day 3 NC...its so hard...it feels like 3 months. something is really wrong with me. i have to drive by his house like twice a day...and i can see the lights on in his house. i dont feel it getting better. i stayed out all day today to try and keep busy...but still everythign is him,and i cry at everything. i lose my breath and hypervenilate. and death is constantly an option while im here alone, in my house...without him. i feel so stupid and weak... its got to get better, i cant see it getting any worse...death itself seems so harsh, but would be so relieving. I just keep hanging in there.

well, its day 2 with NC. i hope i can hang on. its so hard. I went over there a few days ago, and he just told me to leave. to go and stay gone. so i mean, it cant get any more clearer than that. we did talk some. i still didnt get to tell him how hurt i am and exactly why. he still just said that he has too many problems of his own and he cant help himself...much less help me. i just wanted to kill myself right there in front of him...its terrible to feel this way. i know i have to stay away from him. find somehting else to do other than think of him, or dying. I really felt like a stalker or harasser when i emailed him a video that we would have laughed at together, just one of those weird things we usually share that no one else kinda gets.. and it bounced back to me, cause he his ip doesnt "like" mine. so he blocked me or reported me as spam. so now i know i cant let myself keep being so pathetic. i need to see him for the loser or guy with probs that he is. and not the friend that loved me. its just so hard cause ive never had to do this. but im gonna try my best. so yea Day 2 NC.

i know i need to talk to someone else about it. im taking it day by day hoping this feeling goes away. but its always in my head.

everything you said is so true Ocrob...but its just that...i dont feel like i have a life without him becaues i made him my life. how do i deal coming home to an emptyhouse. going to bed alone. watching tv aone...just dealing? i had to go thru it with my exhusband and living alone on my own at my new place. it was nothing like this. i was ok alone. but now i dont even have him as myfriend. ive made him the center of my life, and i know it was wrong..but with everythig else going wrong at the same time, i cant take careof any of it. my rent is past due, my utilities are about to be cut off. i missed an important paper that i needed to get in to get a grade so that i can graduate on May 6th. iam so weak that i let that pass. and will now be afailure in my parents eyes, and the community as a whole. i work, i teach school...but he was there too, i got him the job as the computer guy...he only dabbled here and tere, and they gave him a little money to do it. the computers still need alot of work, and now eveyoen is gonna ask where he is...i dont want to face the world...and say me and him are no longer speaking. i dont konw why he doesnt want me anymore, at times i think it is cause hes tired of me...at other times i think it is cause hes tired of hurting me...then thers other times when i feel like he just hates me. i cant stand it. i just want to be gone. i have nothing to look forward to...i know suicide is the cowards way out...but i am so tired of trying to be strong. it has gotten me no where but more hurt. i just wnat him to be happy, i truly feel he will be once i am gone. i knw my parents will be hurt and too but they will be better off without me as well, i make it so hard on them...i teach at a private school and i have no insurance, so they feel like they wil have to pay. my dad is out on medical disabliity cause he needs a heart transplant, he could fall over at any time, and when he finds out i am so desolate again, its gonna be more stress on him. i dont want to see himdie. i dont want to be the cause of it. i might as well get out of my family's life and ,my ex bf's life now. its just theres no way i can keep takin this, i hate being selfish and a coward. but i hurt so bad...too bad. i just want to sleep but i cant. i dont really want to die, i cant see myself doing it really. but the thought that i come to this so many times scares me.

and i dont wanna call that number cause they might come get me or something. i am 25 years old and scared or anyone in my family or community to know that i am this down and out and just plain crazy

i havent cut yet. i am a cutter anyways...but its never like to kill myself..i cut on my legs, but thats not the prob now. i just want to slice my wrists now..to end it. to make him happy, to finally be rid of me. im so pathetic and such a disappointment to everyone. i have nothing without him anyways. and he doenst care

I have been thru a terrible divorce, beaten and raped...and broke as hell. That was going on 4 years ago. i got over it. it wasnt that hard really. i nevr felt like i wanted to die. i always had something to live for. my family, my career, my pets, my friends. but now that my bf just moved out and things are so messed up. i just want to die. i wnat to go. get away from it all. i dont care about anythign else...he just says that we are bad for each other. i dont understand, he says he loves me but we cant be together. i have never felt this desolate. i just know that i cant live without him. i know theres got to be a way thru it. but i keep thinking hes gonna come back. he has forcibly told me to stay away, that hes staying away from me, that we need no contact cause hes jsut bad for me. but all i want to do is wrap my arms around him and go to sleep. we have been best friends since we were 10 and he helped get me thru all that bad stuff. then me and him finally became lovers, and he is my soul mate. i have never felt so connected to someone. so when will this feelin go away? i just want to slice my wrists and drift away. i want him to have to walk thru the puddles of my blood, and feel how cold i turn. why am i thinking this way? am i crazy? i have never wanted to die so bad? how do people get thru this? i would feel better if he were dead then i could grieve properly...but him just saying he cares about me but we cant be together cause hes bad for me? why i dont get it? i dont understand. i cant keep a clear head. i just want him to save me ya know? to just hold me, even if he doesnt love me he should care enough to just tell me its gonna be ok, and i can make it without him, instead he says nothing, and wont email me back. he came over once, just to say he couldnt be sorry for anything...for me to sell his computer and make the rent. i just touched him, and he looked into my eyes, i could see it ther. i wasnt making it up. soemthings just not right, but he just says he wont get sucked back in! how can i live without him? i gave him everything i had, and i still would. i have given him my all. im so lost now and broken. its never been this bad, how did i make it thru all of that, and now this just kills me. when will i get over him? hes everywhere i look. i cant stand the feel of my own skin, or the thoughts in my head. his ghosts is sitting in every place in our house. i just want to die. just how can i stop feeling this way? its also like i am just a burden to him now. cause he wants me to get out of his life and move on. he wants me to stop emailing him and calling him, and when i come by and we touch he freaks out and says leave, that hes not gonna be sucked in again. that i am tempting but we are bad for each other. so i know im making him unhappy but i cant stop myself. hes the only thing i can think about, without him i am miserable....no one can make me happy, i hate myself. i hate the thought of going on without him. and even worse i hate the thought of me bringing him down and making him unhappy,so if i killed myself it would be good for him. he woulnt have to be bothered by me anymore. i just want him happy...and i want to be happy but that isnt going to happen so i might as well do it. why is this happening to me? i dont want to be put in a psych ward somewhere but its where i need to be i guess. but i am going to die before that happens.i just want to slice my wrists and watch him drain out of me...cause hes in me and theres no other way to get him out of me.... god...i dont want to feel this way anymore. how do i get over it???

yea, but at least hes able to sleep and hes comfortable. i cant stand the feel of my own skin now, or the sound of my own freaking thoughts. i am shaking inside and cutting is not even working for me. i need to go numb...i cant. you all have made really good points. im glad yall have helped me make some kind of sense about it. i am sorry i am still crazy. i cant deal with it.

thats just it, im too afraid to go...to let this get out...my career will be ruined if they "institute" me, this is a small hick town, and it sucks...

that makes me feel a little better. I had just never heard of anyone (25 grown man) to do this sort of thing. but the thing is. I love him to death. he says i love him too much. he has told me he loved me, he has showed me on several occasions that he cares...so i am so confused now...i cant believe that he ever did love me. i guess he did fake it just to use me...i was so stupid to believe him. i am pathetic.

well...i really gotta go get checked insomewhere soon., things just keep getting worse and im scared

yea, when he got here, it was basically over. he was like a different person. i think he may have smoked marijuana at his moms house. his eyes were so dark, and he was so mean and cold towards me, just after being so sweet before he left to go be with her...its terrible. i dont think i will make it thru this. one thing i didnt mention...the last time i went to his house his mom didnt come out and greet me or even say hello from the other room, he had his pj's on and seemed surprised. i was very uncomfortable. then today when we were arguing, he yelled at me that i had insinuated before that he was doing his mom. i never have! he said that he felt the tension when we were all in the room together, and maybe i didnt say it, but he knew i was thinking it. he thinks he is psychic or something....only he was cussing and now i am so freaked out. how could i have been with someone like that...is there something wrong with me, that i kinda knew something like this was going on and i just loved him so much and needed him that i didnt care???

no, i never did anything but kiss his butt, give him everything he wanted and tiptoed around him. I paid to have the computer sent to us, i called and got them to replace it. he told me at one time that he didnt want it...it sat in our living room and we both used it. he lived with me for 9months and leached off of me, i gave him everything i had, he came and got everything else that was his... I swear i treated him like a king. he said that was the problem...that i gave him my all and he didnt want to be the center or focus of someones life. i need the money, he should have paid half the rent for me. I can see where i should give him the memory back because he did pay for it with the money the school gave him for helping out...but this computer should be sold and the money halfed, and his half go towards paying at least part of all he owes me... i feel like crap..i just want to die. how could he do this? and why am i having to defend myself???

i posted it all on my blog so i am just copying and pasting...sorry so long...but i wanted to share cause things are so bad for me now. yep hes gone-ThE bLoG ok i bulletined this, but i wanted to blog it too, its easier to read bigger and purple I GOT A BIG MOUTH so here it goes.... yea he told me i had a big mouth, just cause i talk to MY sister and tell her what i am usually going thru...hes just pissed cause he doesnt want everyone to know how pathetic he is. God why do i love such a loser? well for those who have kept up with my blog...it finally happened...he really came in today, didnt really look at me and i didnt say anything to him...i didnt know what to say after my encounter with him on easter at his mothers house with him in his pj's...totally freaking creepy, but i didnt think anything about it ya know. I just felt strange that my 25 year old boyfriend liked spending the nite with his mom. I knew it was cause he wanted to spend time with her, but several times i have told him i dont like being home alone...so i thought he would come home to ME and OUR BED...i mean sometimes he would go weeks without even seeing her so why would he need to leave me and spend the nite? I get its easter but ugh.. come home to your GIRLFRIEND when it gets bedtime! So i was gonna let it go...not mess with him about it cause i felt uncomfortable. But then when we got into it this afternoon and i said something about how weird it was him not wanting to come home to me at nite, he accused me of accusing hi of sleeping with her in that gross way! Im like OMG! I got sick to my stomach. his actual words were what made it so bad "So you think I'm f*cking my moma!" it was screamed at me, then it just hit me...so many things fell together. It is strange. So now he's afraid im gonna tell everyone that, he says i am vendictive and big mouthed. Well i am not telling anything. I am tellng the truth the facts. The FACT IS me and Will are not together anymore because he feels the need to spend the nite with his mom, and gets all weird about it. Did i mention she lives right accross the field from us? its not like shes in another town. So now I am like. Ok it makes since, hes just a mamas boy. And her whole "I dont know what to do with him, I'm just putting him in God's hands" was a load of CRAP cause she has let him sit there and do nothing for about 5 years. She continues to enable him and give him food, shelter, cigaretees, everything I did cause i was soooo stupid...but i was getting something in return ya know. Well now it seems like she must be getting something as well. Ugh its sick. I dont want to think this way. Please someone tell me not to think this way! I am so hurt right now. I just want any reason to figure out why he is like he is. This explains it tho. Their codependency on each other. She has no life and neither does he....but at least she has a link removed when he came in and said he was gonna leave i start crying like the pathetic loser i am, and ask why. I know its got something to do with him staying with his mom, like maybe she told him he needed to come back home cause she so lonely like he always told me she was...oh so lonely. Well whatever...shes so lonely cause she has a 25 year old son that shares her bed some weekends and cuddles with and watches movies so whatever. let her sit in that crap. she created the loser that sucks off of everyone...and cant love anyone cause no one is gonna be as good as mommy. Anways, back to it- I asked him bordering begging not to go and asking why he was...cause i am behind on the bills and he kept saying he was going to get a job and help me out. And we have good times, he made that place home. Now i cant even be there alone. He was just so cold. He doesnt care about me...we just got into it...he yelled and showed his bootie...i threw my computer somehow in the middle of it...so now my laptop is crushed monitor and all...with the 16 pages of my 24 page dissertation that is due on Thursday on it...gone just as gone as him. I was going to just let things go...today, and i figured we would work it out. i love him so much, but i knew he didnt love me, when he said i needed to find someone else cause he couldnt be what i wanted him to be. I looked him in the eyes and said, so it doesnt bother you to think of me with someone else...and he said "No." that was it. It hit me. He never even cared about me, he has just used me over and over...everyone has told me he was just using me and he was a loser...but i saw more. My friends, my family, strangers that know of us everyone knows how stupid I was. And I am admiting it here.... It sad. The whole community knows we were shacked up together, as if my reputation wasnt tarnished enuff. I wish i could just hate him. I can almost feel myself starting to when i think about the mess i am in, and how he never even tried to help me out with the bills. So after the slap in the face of me realizing he never loved or cared about me, and he is not the person i knew when we were 10 somehow he has changed along the way. Just like Phillip said. Hes not even close to a sane normal person. i was just gonna let him go. Then he said he was going to get his stuff, his stuff that computer I, me, Candi made him get the company to send him, the computer that was shipped to MY HOUSE, the f-ing computer that , I, me, Candi i had to call the company over and over about, and had to make him have the balls to tell them he needed, and some dirty clothes. I got to thinking about it. The only job he has held in 9 months was the 1 week i asked him to come set up the computer lab at the school. They gave him $200. Guess what he did with the money...instead of helping me with the late rent, or the disconnected cable or the new $400 tires i had to buy, which has made everything get behind...he buys Memory for the computer he didnt even want. The "fooking dell" as he called it....oh and what does he do with the extra harddrive they send him...you guessed it. Mommy's got it. She earned it tho...she put up with his crap for alot longer than i did...but wait...she wanted to put up with him, or she woulda made him straighten-no GROW up and be a MAN along time ago. So anyways if anyone wants to buy a Dell E310 its worth $500 on their website plus the $150 memory, I'll sell it for $300...thats my rent. Anways I am keeping it, he says hes gonna call the law on me...already did so he says...and he's gonna file a complaint against me...Oh yea, hes gonna call the law on me to get the computer *make me laugh* like he has any right to anything. I shoulda kept the monitor the school gave him too. I prob coulda got $50 bucks out of it. as if i dont know the law and what i am entitled to. Lets see I start Mercer Law next year....and he's threatening me. Since he has made these threats and is actually going to put ,my name down on a piece of paper at the sheriffs department and try to degrade me- I am gonna drag his bootie into court, yep you guessed it MAGISTRATE court, and have him pay the "small claims" of the half the rent, and utitlities that he sponged off of me for 9 months....all the while saying he was gonna get a job and help out... The whole town knows he was shacked up there...so guess whose gonna have to get a job and pay me since he wants to take it that far. anways.....i was putting this out there so i dont have to explain it to everyone ,why i am back in the dating scene, or why i am moving on, or where he is, or what he's doing. So if ya see me in public dont ask about my boyfriend until I tell ya about my new one. cause i am finally trying to get over him, and i dont want to talk about it. and basically i am putting this here as a vendictive woman that has been scorned because he said i had a big mouth and it is a FACT that he used me. Wouldnt we all say so? So...hes gone. For good this time. I am not getting ran over by him again. Unless he says the magic words...and he doesnt even know them cause his mama has probably never taught him how to be a man.

oh, im sorry, i forgot to say, one closed up, the other is still a little bloody, on one side of it. I think its gonna be ok. they are small...if i start noticing an infection then i am gonna go see about it, Thanks all! i jsut didnt know what to do cause i have never cut so deep before. i feel like a complete idiot

this is a board about self injury correct? I have been on many medications, and thru lots of therapy for this "mental illness" it is very real, and is not something you "grow" out of. thereforeee anyone who would say such a thing should grow up or go learn a little about this disorder before trying to put someone down by making such ignorant statements.

Thanks everyone for all the comments. I was right he didnt come home last nite, and i have yet to see him. I think when he gets here, if he doesnt start to get his things first, i may just bluntly tell him how i am feeling, and that i think he needs to either grow up or get out. I am just a nervous wreck right now. this is not healthy at all. and this is not how i wanted to spend my spring break. he makes me so sick and mad. but i still love him and dont want to lose him, thats what makes me even sicker, that i cant just get over him. ugh!

thanks all...i'll keep an eye on it tonite, and keep it clean and bandaged...i may just go to the health dept tomorrow to get it seen about anyways, cause im really scared about it. I dont have insurance right now and no $$ for the ER. I am freakin out about it. the cut is on my thigh btw...

well turns out...all the stress i have been under especially being alone the last 2 nites and hating everything, i just needed to get away from my thoughts, so i cut, and cut and well cut more. the last time, i pressed too hard and cut too deep cause this morning, i had thought i bandaged it and usually its little superficial cuts, but it busted open again and is stil bleeding. It bled thru the bandage and onto my pants. i have never cut like this before and i am scared. i hope i dont need stitches but it would be too late for them anyways. gonna go google what happens to cuts that are too deep and dont get stitches... i put neosporin on it...hope its gonna stop soon and not bust open again.