kpow

Maggy, I think it has still been too soon== 4 months is not that long in terms of healing. I know what you mean about dating-- my biggest fear is that I won't find anyone else to date/love/enjoy being with, and I too have tried to see other people, but not felt "into it," all the while wishing I was with my ex. All I can say, though, is that I think the only hope for healing and moving forward, and eventually finding love again is to maintain NC, because every interaction with ex is only another opportunity to be rejected, and then getting set back weeks/months in our recovery. Stay strong.

NC all the way!! You must heal yourself first-- otherwise you are at risk of repeating the same mistakes that led you to this point in the first place. You can gently let him know via emai/text (not in person) and let him know he needs to respect your space and time, and that you need him to not contact you, no matter what. If at some point in the future, when you are stronger, you can initiate contact, that would be great. Stay strong.

Well, I have continued the NC (actually minimal contact, just text message regarding when he will visit the kids.) I am trying to find another hospital to transfer to, somewhere on the west coast where I am from, and where my family is-- I want to get out of the northeast-- everything here sucks in terms of being related to him somehow. Plus I am so far from all my friends and family. But I don't know if I can get a position out there, and I might have to stay. So I am going to have to move since SHE lives upstairs, and I am essentially trapped in my own condo-- always knowing if she is here, or with him. The fu%^ing c**t. I hate her more than anything, more than him. She disrespected me beyond belief. Now he wants to have the kids and her hang out over the weekend. I am so livid-- she has no right to my kids--!!!!!!!!! She has no right to be with my girls, to have this ready-made family which she can just spend a few hours here and there and then drop them back off to me to deal with real life. She can just swoop in and be the hero-- buy them Barbies or whatever. What a loser. Can't she get her own kids???? What do people think?? How can I keep my kids from her?? Hasn't she taken enough from me already???

allein, It is all going to be ok-- maybe not now, maybe not even in a few weeks-- but you will find love again. I know how hard it is to let go of what seems like a great, overwhelming love. I know only too well. I struggle daily to let go of the love I have for my ex-- hoping and praying that he will "come to his senses" And beg to have me back. But to what end??? You must ask this of yourself, too. You must let your rational mind take over, at least for a minute, and RATIONALLY look at your relationship with this girl. If she could "care less" what are you getting out of it?? Our curse it to continue to pine for those who have moved on, and that causes us to stand still in our lives. I threw myself at my ex over and over, and talked to him ad nauseum once I found out it was truly over--- and let me tell you it only made things SO MUCH WORSE. It was almost like purposefully hurting myself-- repeatedly setting myself up for continuous rejection. Well, I am not going to do that anymore-- NC is the way to go. Don't send this girl letters, emails, phone messages-- don't give her the last remnants of your soul, dignity. Hold on to those because someday, someone else will want to share those with you. I hear you about love-- I have no desire (or perhaps even ability) to fall in love again-- it seems like a foreign concept. But my rational mind tells me that is not so-- that others have loved, lost, and loved again. I don't think I could survive another heartbreak like I just had (am having)-- but then again, I swear to never get involved with a self-centered, low-skills, non-educated, prior convict, prior drug user loser again. We can only move forward, live one day at a time, concentrate on the here and now. stop ruminating about the past/future-- at least make the attempt to not ruminate when your mind goes there. Oh I can't tell you the hours I have spent replaying interactions, wishing I had done things differently, blaming myself, etc etc etc......... The list goes on. It only makes things worse for me to dwell on this, though. I can only take these lessons and move forward, and so must you. Good luck.

As hard as it is, no contact is definitely the only path to healing. My ex and I had a "friendship" for many months after our break-up, and I thought all was ok, until I found out he was seriously dating someone. Then I lost my s%*t. I wish now that we had had NC from the beginning, then i would be so much farther along. It sounds like this girl has issues of her own-- committment issues, insecurity issues-- she was probably thinking at least she had you as a back-up while she was checking out the other merchandise. It seems in today's world when relationships get tough, one or the other person bails out. It sucks. I know I am guilty of it-- of not sticking with it, thinking there must be someone better out there, someone with whom things would just be "easier." I don't think that's the case anymore. We are all so imperfect, and we can't look to our mates to make us happy, or whole or whatever. I feel your pain. It does get duller. it doesn't necessarily go away. My pain is still here, but at least I can eat, function at work, and am not crying every other minute. I still cry, though. I am in mourning, and that is what you must realize-- you must mourn the death of this relationship. As tempting as it is to think that things will work out, that she will come back, you must steel your mind to that thought, and realize the finality of the end. It is the only way to go forward, I think. It is not an easy path. It sucks daily. I look in the mirror and see a drawn out, tired looking, emaciated face. There is no life in my eyes anymore. But I know I will survive, and I know there will be life again. In our world today we are so used to having everything happen so quickly--- our meals, travelling, communicating, etc. This is one process that cannot be hurried. If you hurry it you will pay the consequences later, in your next relationship. There is no easy solution, friend. This is the conclusion I have reached. I wish I could go forward in time, say 6 months, or a year-- maybe by then the pain will have eased. But I can't, and I must live every second, minute, hour and day of this hell, with only the faintest of hope that this, too, shall pass.

One of the weirdest things about this whole experience is the numb feeling I have now. I don't feel connected to other people really-- I don't know-- it is kind of hard to explain. I told you I was sort of seeing this guy-- well we ended up fooling around, and honestly I just wasn't that into it. I don't feel sexual at all-- I don't desire anyone. I wonder if this is some primitive protective device (I hope so) or if this is the new me (I hope not!). I always enjoyed that crazy, overwhelming physical desire I had with my ex. It is something I miss the most, and wonder if I will ever have it again. That complete abandon when we were together, knowing that I please him, and he pleases me. Unfortunately, that was probably the best part of our relationship. The same feeling applies to other things in my life, too. Like food, wine, music, movies-- everything I used to enjoy so much, now I am kind of indifferent to. I suppose this could be part of my depression. I am hoping things get better, somehow, sometime.

These exes don't deserve our good wishes-- it will be hard enough over the holidays for those of us who are spending them alone. Why add to the pain by putting ourselves on the line, then reliving the rejection. In my case, my ex already has a new girlfriend. They can give each other all the holiday cheer they want. Me-- I will be bitter and sad, yes, but also trying to move past that to a better place.

Thanks DN for the words of support. I know that you are saying the truth. I spoke with ex today-- called his girlfriend a whore. he got mad, told me I was being childish. We hung up angry. Then he calls back and plays this song that we used to make love to. He leaves a message saying how he was listening to the album, and remembering the good times, and can't we all just get along? What a mind f#$k. I broke down crying in my car, but didn't call him back. What do you think? What if you were his new girlfriend and he was doing this? I wish I didn't ever have to see him ever again. I am going to try to minimize contact as much as possible, keep strong in myself. I am starting training for a triathlon next spring. I am also looking into volunteer medical missions. I feel I need to break out of my self-pity party and get some perspective. Of course that doesn't help at 4 am. Where is that pill I can take to heal this wound?? Do you think what doesn't kill us makes us stronger? I almost died this time around. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again.

I am just so scared of being alone, not feeling that safe haven of love again. And to try and think of establishing that with someone new just makes me tired. All of that effort, time. To see him with another girl so soon-- does it mean he didn't really love me? I don't think so, I think he is doing his best to move on. I thought about dating again now, but it seems kinda lame. I went out with a guy over the weekend, he was really cute, nice. but I ended up crying on his shoulder at the end of the night, feeling "melancholy." Boy what a good impression! I wish it was easy to "concentrate" on ourselves, our kids, instead of obsessing about ex, or new guy, or future. It is hard to look at ourselves, to realize the part we play in failure of relationships. I find it hard, anyway. I hate that I push those I love away. i hate that I build walls in relationships. I hate that I sabotage my own happiness and peace, because I basically feel I don't deserve to be happy, because there is something fundamentally wrong with me. But I am just another human being-- I am not a murderer, cheater, druggie, thief. How do we find worth in ourselves-- especially when we come out of relationships where the other person basically convinces us that we are only worthy because they love us. Or our selfesteem is so low that we only feel worthy when others love us. I wish there was some way to boost self esteem. I am trying, doing my best to make it through. Not to concentrate on the past or future, just the now. Me and my beautiful children. To move past the emptiness of the bed beside me, to not wear his old t-shirts that he left-- his smell still on them. To not look at my children and only see his eyes staring back at me. To not cry every god-d@@n minute of the day. If you could only see my heart-- it has a jagged rip in it, and blood is pouring out of it, filling my chest and making it hard to breathe.

Well, It has been a rough weekend. I basically threw myself at the ex, begging him to take me back. I told him I would quit my job, move, whatever. of course he didn't take the bait. Said he was happy without me, with his new girlfriend. Damn, that hurts. It is amazing what we will do to ourselves, the pain we inflict upon ourselves. I know the only thing in life we can control is our reactions, but somehow those don't seem so controllable..

Hi lulu04 I am new to this site, too. I just posted today my sad story. I feel your pain-- I am sure you can feel mine. It just sucks so hard right now. I don't see an end in sight, a way out of this rejection, lonliness, guilt, etc. Maybe by communicating it will become easier. These feelings are so personal, so intimate, yet it helps to realize that so many others are going through similar things. In your case it definitely sounds like there is something going on with him-- some depression or hidden past that snuck up on him. I know that probably doesn't ease the pain-- don't you just wish he would have turned to you instead of running? I don't have the answers, but maybe someone else does.

DN You are right. I know this is true. I wanted to control the situation, not run the risk of failure. In the end, I implemented the plan that was guaranteed to hurt me most. I drove him into the arms of another. The problem I have is my family-- my kids. If it were just me, I would move to another state, start over. But instead, I am living in the same building as his new girlfriend (we both own our units) and I have two kids who adore him, and suffer when they are not with him. I am thinking that there is nothing more important than trying to salvage this family. I see my mistakes, my missteps. I know I need to treasure what is in front of me, with me. I need to treasure my family. I am willing to give him the respect/love/support he needs, without the undermining, second-guessing. I see this as the path to happiness.

What can I say-- this is the most difficult journey I have been on-- and I have been on some tough rides. My ex and I had been together for 2 years. It was love/attraction/sparks at first sight. He pursued me, we fell in love so hard, so fast. Within a month I was pregnant. I already had a child from my marraige, which had ended horribly only a year before. My first child was aching for a daddy, and I encouraged her to look to my ex as her daddy. I didn't know alot about my ex at first, but over time found out that he had been into cocaine, had a domestic abuse history, a violent past. That was all changed now-- I was ok with all of that. I am successful-- a doctor, make good money. I take care of my kids, provide them with everything. But here I was pregnant, emotional. I admit, I often think the grass is greener on the other side. I didn't appreciate him for what he was, and what he gave me. I wanted more-- financial security on his part, to be able to look to him to take on life's mundane tasks like paying taxes, getting childcare, taking care of insurance. But he didn't have these skills, and I grew to resent that. I thought I was carrying the burden. I had so many stressors in my life-- a new job, a move, two kids-- and my ex seemed to be standing still, immobile. I told him to get out. Life would be easier without him. It initially was, for a time. He helped me out in my new place, was there when I needed help with the kids. I felt we were still a family, just living separately. He seemed to be getting his life together-- going back to school, taking care of his medical issues. Then he started hanging out more and more with the girl upstairs-- my "friend". About 5 weeks ago, I found out they have been in a relationship for sometime. I am devestated. I went insane, I still feel insane. My family has been torn apart again, and I feel it was my fault because I didn't appreciate what I had. It is what is in front of you that is important. And she-- she pretended to be my friend, watch the kids when I needed help, share a glass of wine, listen to my troubles. I am so betrayed. And my kids are suffering so much. They don't understand why daddy doesn't want to be with me, why does he want to be with her?? I am seeing a therapist, talking to friends, blah blah. They say "concentrate on the negatives about him"-- that's B.S. All this has done is solidify that I truly do love him, even with all of his faults. I have come so close to ending my life because of this. I have lost 15 pounds, I don't enjoy anything anymore. The mornings are the worst, just thinking about him and her entwined in each other's arms. I feel completely unlovable, unworthy.