TacticalLinguine

This all seems to be about your ego and nothing else. Perhaps start working on your confidence and self-worth so you won’t feel like investing your energy into such silly matters.

Ah. Been there. This is textbook for people like him. Having moved on, I can tell you this; be glad, you are so lucky to have gotten rid of him! This man was too cowardly to face his own actions so instead he turned you into the villain in order to justify his obvious betrayal. You are now free to find so much better. Whatever he does or doesn’t do, it doesn’t matter, he is not worth your energy. I know it hurts now. But there will come a day when you will see so clearly what he’s done and how he treated you. Keep your head up high.

I am sorry. I’m a former addict myself, and this condom thing aside, get out now 😞

If you’re usually this overbearing and borderline controlling then all your relationships will come crashing down, including this one. You need to change that, for your sake and for your partner’s. In your other thread you state you’re going travelling for 6 months and have a problem with your partners’ parents flying out to see him for like a week or two during this time. That’s incredibly selfish. I also have to repeat how silly the monthly anniversary thing is. A text doesn’t show how invested he is, the fact that he’s been putting up with this childish behaviour for 4 years kinda does though.. Come on, girl.

I don't think it's fair to consciously use this guy as some sort of an "experiment". Though I am more inclined to believe this "experiment" is merely an excuse to keep this thing going with him. I hope none of this will come back to bite you.

Sit back and reflect.. You can't act like a precious princess if you want a genuine adult relationship to work. You more or less invited yourself over, did nothing to contribute, acted like others had to serve to your needs, while you hand out and do whatever. That's not how it works. Apologise to your partner, and do better.

Big difference between guilt and shame. What’s done is done, call up a therapist if you haven’t already and for the love of everything that matters, never again create deepfakes of people close to you..

Hi all, hope you're having a good start to the week. Perhaps some of you can relate. I know I have trauma from my childhood. I feel it, though not clearly. My throat closes up and my skin almost tingles, and that's where it ends, because the experiences have been locked up and hidden. I know that the trauma affects me majorly, even now when I am an adult and independent. My moral compass is wobbly, my emotions are dull, I feel but not really. I care but then I don't. I've struggled with addiction. I struggle understanding what's happening, largely because the trauma stems from an emotionally and mentally abusive mother. I was hit, too, but that's easier to deal with. The hitting wasn't what made me think I was worthless, stupid and replaceable. Just a few years ago I realised I am worthy, and that my feelings are there and they're valid. I try think about it but I struggle because I can't find the words to describe what it feels like. I don't know how to express the hurt in my soul. Everything she said and did, I can explain it and quote her word for word, but that's not "it". That's her, what about me. What about how it hurt me when I was a child, and how it still, well, ruins things for me today. I have looked for therapists but in my small city, the first time I could land is in 2 months. I have gone to therapists before but never found one I liked either, so I'm not too hopeful. The ones I met felt like they were purely going off of a textbook, without actually focusing on my specific case. While I do not believe my case is so "special", I did pay a large amount for a therapist that will adjust her approach specifically for me. I was helpless when I was a child and stuck in a toxic house, but I am an adult now and trying to take charge of the inner workings of who I am. I just honestly have no idea how to, or what it is exactly that I'm looking for.

Whatever happens with this girl, have to echo what Rainbows said.. When you have to start playing games like this, you’ve already lost.

Thanks for coming back and giving us an update, Whirl.

But I feel these are MY issues. I have created drama in this relationship. Saw it, owned it, and apologised for it when I noticed it. He’s also owned up his half and changed things. I’ve just noticed that when one issue is resolved, it’s almost like I go searching for another one. And I’m not sure if this is a find or not. I need to do better but not sure how because I’m not exactly sure what the issue is.

Thanks. You’re 100% right about social media making things more difficult, not just in romantic relationships but I feel my relationship with myself was also altered quite a bit thanks to social media. That’s the reason I am mostly “off-grid” these days. And I honestly don’t understand most of it. As I said, I get porn. I get it. I suppose what’s bothering me about Instagram is the interaction part? Merely the act of following someone specific and sometimes liking. I know it doesn’t take much, a tap or two, but that’s also so easy to not do. I feel like I’m nitpicking but my head is still spinning.

Well, this is why I’m struggling, not to make myself out to be a victim of some sort (I am not), but the boundaries I have today were all put into place after going through some really messed up things. That includes heavy addiction, alcoholism, cheating, domestic violence. I was never taught what’s healthy, my parents were incredibly neglectful. So I’m trying to get a feel for what most people think, so I don’t run off on my ego and insecurities. I don’t want to be dumb. My partner reacted really well when I brought this up. In the past guys have become defensive and accusatory, not him. He heard me out, understood, when I woke up in the morning he’d messaged me saying he’d removed any content that might make me uncomfortable. And today he assured he’s incredibly happy with me. I don’t want to be unreasonable and say he’s not allowed to follow any fitness influencer etc. Maybe his mindset is different than mine, I have to respect that. This is not a relationship I want to just throw away either.

Yeah it was a bit tacky but he’s really blunt sometimes. Often I find it endearing but in situations like this it can be hurtful. He has ADHD and often speaks without thinking. He has worked on it, as he saw it hurt me sometimes. Thanks for your point of view. I try see it like this, just an online magazine sort of, but I keep spinning it in my head. Am I just trying to find an issue in this, I don’t know. I don’t fear him cheating, just after my last relationship I have a really confusing and blurred boundary there somewhere, I don’t know what is healthy and what isn’t. Sometimes I fear I might act controlling.

Same man. He reached out afterwards and things have been really great since that split. Although I do try to be a bit careful still. Porn is fine, it’s his private thing, as long as it doesn’t affect us. But having it on his Instagram feed, following them, occasionally liking the pictures, feels so weird to me.. He said he usually follows if they’re involved with his sport (martial arts), I’m not sure if that should make me feel better or not. I don’t do sports. I’m successful in other ways but not in ways he’s passionate about. I feel vulnerable saying this but seeing these fit, half naked, posed women does make me feel bad. He removed the really, sorry, “indecent” ones he had followed during the “mass following act” I mentioned, which I appreciate, but something in me still feels insecure. I can’t tell if it’s an issue? Or is it just my boundary? Then again I can’t expect my partner to be thinking the same way I do. Just trying to work this out.

With the risk of sounding completely unhinged; I asked my partner why he has random women in his “following” list on Instagram. There aren’t many but there are some. He said sometimes he mass follows, which means following randoms hoping to get a follow back. But sometimes, he said, he thinks “nice chick”, and follows. Why would he look at women like that on social media if he’s in a relationship? Is this okay? I don’t think he’d cheat, but the idea that he follows these women to see more of them makes me feel icky. My ex cheated on me on social media and was obsessed with looking at other women. So this is all hitting a vulnerable spot for me.

All you’re doing here is keeping yourself stuck.

What did you expect to happen when you refused to offer commitment, yet muddied the waters by keeping this “situationship” going, living together, etc? This was never going to end well. Figure out what you want.

It’s normal. My only ever best friend ghosted me over 7 years ago now. We were best friends for 10 years. I still dream of her, I have dreams where we meet again and we hug, and even though the dream feels incredible, I wake up and the pain I feel then has ruined my entire week. Our subconscious works in interesting ways. I suppose my dreams let me feel the love I still have for my friend. Your dreams are assisting you in letting go 🙂

Bit late but this is just plain manipulation. That cannot be blamed on his mental illness, that’s HIS character flaw.

But why does it matter what they think? The OP should be looking out for himself.

Never contact this woman again. I felt sick reading this, the emotional and mental hurt you caused her. Find a good therapist and focus on therapy.

Oh it’s always nice when users give us updates! Thank you! I hope the date next week will be lovely 🙂

Encourage you to look the other way. Most women, myself included, end up feeling quite "icky" about the older men that made moves when they were young adults. Sorry to be blunt. But it is what it is.

Thanks for this. You're right. He rarely talked to me about my work, schedule, etc. It was all about his martial arts, current job and some other hobbies. Sometimes I felt like all he really cared about was having a pretty thing by his side. I wasn't resentful as I was also a willing participant. I just wish things had been better. I try stay logical but I am so attached somehow. I could have loved him. I'm being dramatic I know.