TacticalLinguine

I think context is missing here. He works at a regular job 4 days per week, has side hustles, trains up to 5h a day. The reason his salary is this low is because his boss has quite literally screwed with his hours. He is looking for different jobs but considering the small town we live in + the thousands of Ukrainians that were made a priority over our own people, it is very difficult in the job market currently. He wouldn’t even let me buy his movie tickets in one of our last dates, despite his finances, he is still trying. The ex fling, they do not meet like this. For drinks etc, he would never. The tattoo thing, I don’t know, as a tattoo enthusiast I kind of get it, nobody needs a tattoo, but we do want them. However after reflecting some here I do think I will ask him to drop that idea. I do have issues with control. My mother was incredibly controlling, I resent her and what she did, but have noticed I still did adopt some of her behaviour. I don’t think I necessarily want to “have him under my paw” with the finance situation, my dad raised me better than that, he taught me humility and sharing, but I do want control over the ex thing. I feel like I have no control there. I don’t know. For reasons stated above I am not worried about his work ethic, and I do believe in him. He trains incredibly hard, and there are results. He has considered dropping the dream and going to a standard 9-5 job with decent salary, but he still wants to try as he is still in a good age. He has given himself 2 more years. Thank you for your words, I think I will bring up the ex fling thing again. I just need to figure out how to do it. We just don’t really talk about it. If topic runs to an ex I almost immediately shut it down because it physically makes me sick. Which I then later regret because I should have asked xyz questions so I would know. But at the same time I don’t want to know? They don’t chat constantly, maybe a message exchange a couple times a month. I don’t see why he should go out of his way to announce to an ex he’s taken. Maybe he has, I don’t know. I don’t pry.

I’m okay with it. I’ve had casual relationships as well. I’m not sure if she knows. His friends do know about me so perhaps the word has gotten around. He did tell me she has a boyfriend, apparently he introduced them or something. Not sure if this matters. I do think he’d be cool with me going along, but it’s something I’d never do.. I don’t want to see his exes, hear about them, none of that. He’s sacrificed his finances for sports, he’s an aspiring athlete. I don’t care for his financial situation, his money isn’t what matters to me. Thinking about the future, I’ve always known I’ll be the main breadwinner in a relationship thanks to my career. You make excellent points.. I just don’t want to be controlling or overreact. It did happen two years ago. And I do trust him, I do not think he’d betray me. It’s just the idea of an ex being around. I’ll reflect on this.. Before me he was single for a year. The LTR just died out, the last 4 years he felt like he was merely “kept” in the relationship. She was apparently quite cruel towards him in the last years and also cheated during the last few months. The situationships, he told me they all failed because he kept getting played. Girls came on, dumped him, cheated, etc. Which is also why he was so careful with me in the beginning. He has really opened up with me in the last few weeks. He doesn’t seem like a person who would disrespect me, I just don’t want the ex there! My dumba** starts comparing myself to her. I’m scared I’ll end up sabotaging this relationship, either with my anxiety or by appearing controlling.

Here’s my dilemma.. I wouldn’t call her a “good friend”. They don’t hang out or the like, more or less social media friends. I do trust him, he himself stated that constant texting etc would be disrespectful. I’m quite confident he would drop the tattoo idea if I asked; the reason he wants to go is because of the price. He is utterly broke, finding a new job is very difficult here currently, he had to calculate the two chocolate bars he bought me into his budget. Same with a rose. Should I press it still? Do I have “the right” to do that..? I can’t exactly pinpoint why it’s uncomfortable to me, people do remain friends after break ups etc, they never even got invested in each other, are very casual friends. I worry it’s something my gut is trying to tell me, I don’t know. He’s a very easy-going person, on good terms with everybody, we appear to just see it differently? He’s already suggested meeting his parents, the other day he apparently spent 40min on the phone with his nana talking about me. He truly appears genuine. But my mind is hurting still. I think it was two years ago when the fling happened. He also had other situationships etc after that fling. Maybe I should also mention he had recently gotten out of a 9 year relationship prior to that (ages 15-24), so I’d imagine he felt like he’d been thrown into freezing water. He told me of the darker thoughts he had around that time. I sympathise and empathise with him completely, I just can’t understand why he’d keep her around. It’s not something I would do, I don’t think. I kept a fling around once before, but that was because I was selfish and enjoyed the ego boost. But again, that’s just me. He doesn’t seem to make a big deal of it at all, just sees it as a past experience. I don’t know.. Am I in denial or something? I apologise for the ramble.. Just trying to process this.

Oh, no. That was a different fella, one I remained acquaintances with 🙂

Hi, thanks for replying. I’ll try the positive self-talk method. Maybe try and cut out the junk food and exercise more as well, so tired of feeling this way! Thank you. The ex thing, it’s all very casual from what I know. The fling happened a year or two ago; they were friends, thought they could try for a relationship, but it didn’t work out. Remained friends. They don’t hang out from what I’ve seen, sometimes text about life, is what he told me. Maybe run into each other on a night out, it’s a small city. He does want to go back to her for a tattoo, which she promised to do for almost free. I don’t like that and I worry for when that time comes, I’m not sure if I need to ease up here. He has given me no reason to doubt him, he’s very transparent and has welcomed the questions that I’ve had. I am quite possessive and very much stuck in my ways; which aren’t always healthy.

Hey all, Hope you’re well. I’ve been seeing my guy for around 3 months. Things are going great. They were a bit rocky/strange at the beginning because of xyz reasons (timing, anxieties), but after spending more time together and with us growing closer, we have connected really well and are both really excited for how things are going. I don’t want to sabotage it. This is the first time in a long while I’ve felt like this. Prior to meeting him, I was single for years, doing my own thing, focusing on my career, etc. I was still feeling confident at the beginning of the relationship but over the last couple of weeks I have grown anxious. I don’t want to get hurt. This anxiety seems to hit me the day after spending more intimate days/nights together, i.e. the last time he spent the night and we genuinely had a good time connecting, I was a bundle of nerves the next day. Last night we just happened to stay up all night, just talking, sharing more personal stories, laughing etc. And again I am scared. I find myself pulling back and trying to ground myself but it’s just not working. I don’t want to carry my anxiety into this relationship. I have started overeating, I feel blue, I’ve been poking some topics multiple times with him (he still has an ex in his life and although I trust him, I don’t think it’s wrong, my own past experiences are messing with my head). I really like this guy and what we have, he is so genuine, he’s good, we’re alike in many ways. He makes me feel incredible when we are together, it’s just my mind that starts playing tricks on me when we’re not. How can I fix this? I feel the confidence I had in me but I just can’t reach it, for whatever reason.

Have to echo the above poster.. This is indeed drama queen behaviour. I wouldn’t continue enabling it.

I was homeschooled for a period of time. I still resent my parents for that decision. Please take into heart the above comments and rethink your decision.

On a different forum you’re 45. You also left out comments about sex because your feet were held to the fire over them on said forum. Start dating women your own age. Half of the time it sounds like you’re scolding her the way a parent would. It’s bizarre. Would like to hear her side.

No. He sent that message for himself, not for you. Keep your head up high!

Sorry for the length of the last post. There were a lot of insightful messages, different ideas and discussions, all of which I appreciate a lot, thank you for taking the time! I hope I addressed the points that are relevant.. A bit confused right now. I do have to say this, @Kwothe28, I am not sure if I am reading you wrong, but you make a lot of assumptions about my dating life, sex life, standards, female experience, and so on. Kindly asking you to be more respectful.

Hey Whirling, thanks for chiming in. It's one of those things that you more so feel. When the communication was full of excitement and enthusiasm at first, something dropped. It was like suddenly he expected me to hang around for his confirmation of the next date, instead of planning with me, trying to be with me, etc. Very lame. By the way, sincerely wishing you luck with the doctor lady 🙂 Thank you for this, I'm not sure what's wrong in my head but I keep trying to "fix" situations when it wasn't actually me who caused the issue. It's easier to blame yourself, then it CAN be fixed. It's always been understood that after we get intimate, it's us. Sleeping with multiple people is off limits, it's a risk to everyone's health. When it comes to keeping options open, that's a different topic and requires an agreement. I think this is a great point. I don't want to believe becoming intimate is a game to be played. I feel like if he bolts after you have sex with him after the 3rd date, he'd bolt after the 10th date as well? In my case, not only am I a physical person in a sense that I want to be intimate with the person I'm into, but physical touch is 100% my love language. It's how a lot of communication happens for me. I'm terrible at expressing myself through words. This guy, I nearly slept with him after the 2nd date but like many have said here, you can be intimate without it leading to sex. This is an anonymous forum, I can be tmi here, I saw this tip in a movie once - I made it a point not to shave my legs so I wouldn't break and cave (': I like this mindset, too. If I like someone, I know very quickly what I want with them. The number of dates or planet alignments could never disrupt that. You see so much of these "dating rules" online that fuel a lot of this anxiety and fear. I'm not sure if I should put this out there, I don't want to sound like a douchebag, but I feel like this is relevant. I am confident this was not the case with us, in fact I feel like a lot of our connection is physical. In a sense it is nice, re: my love language, but it also concerns me because I am looking for something more meaningful. Yes, the exclusivity topic is a bit confusing here, I'm European as well. Personally I don't necessarily catch feelings through sex either, but a lot of what I see is "If you have sex too soon, he'll lose interest". I don't know. If he does, maybe he should then. Would I really want to salvage something with a guy who would lose interest because of having sex too soon? Maybe I'm being naive and selfish with my mindset, but to me it is just sex. It's so natural. I'm glad you posted this comment as it runs straight into my update. UPDATE Technically I have a running thread on this guy but I decided to post the update here as it feels more relevant.. We met up yesterday. He had tried nailing down a meeting with me after I'd ran pretty cold with him, in the end I just kind of thought what the hell. I kind of expected things to end, and for closure for everything. He showed up with a big bouquet of flowers again like he did when we first met. Said he noticed I'd backed off, didn't know what was going on, hoped I was okay and that the flowers would cheer me up. I was quite flabbergasted as it was so unexpected. We sat down and I told him my issue; no effort, no enthusiasm, I'm unhappy, thinking of moving on. We talked for a long time, I'm still not sure though. I'm so vary of pretty words, they don't mean much. I don't want to believe something he says simply because it sounds nice, I want to see him act on it. Then again I'm tired of being patient. I'm not sure how I mentioned this through our conversation but I stated I had my options mostly open and was sure that was the case for him as well. His eyes went wide and he said he thought we were exclusive. That he's not looking, doesn't have time to look, barely has time for me as I could tell. He let me in more on what goes on in his life - he is an aspiring athlete, works full time, has friends, family, all of that I am aware of. But he showed me his timetable and where he has squeezed me into. My heart pretty much broke. He barely sleeps some days and still meets me, other days he has cancelled his training sessions which mean everything to him. He said he wants this to work, but his busy schedule worries him and that he's always scared it might bite him in the a**. It was kind of him to let me in. But that doesn't mean I'll be happy with the communication, I know that. He also said he is "on the spectrum" which, I am not exactly sure what that means, as in how much it affects someone. Could that be a reason for poor communication? He did seem truly clueless as to why I am upset. He thought something else was going on in my life. I'm still very unsure, and my mind is a bit of a mess. I'm still processing, I am sorry if I'm not making much sense.

My stubbornness is always trying to fight me on this as I am a very physical person, but if I want a LTR with none of this drama then I should start waiting with the intimacy, indeed. A little while ago here I ended up confronting the current guy about his lack of effort, after he asked me why I pulled back. He kept insisting he is interested because of xyz, he shows it by zyx, and so on. I know it's impossible to read someone's mind, but is this just hogwash? Words vs actions, right? I'm sorry if I come across a bit daft, this is new territory for me and I'm pretty lost.

All my matches I have picked carefully in hopes of avoiding said players - no suggestive pics, no zero effort profiles, no off-putting bios or lack there of. I really have been trying. I also ask these guys what it is that they are after, they outright tell me it's LTR they're looking for. What else can I do?

Around the third date is when it tends to happen. Should I prolong it in the future? It's all so silly.

It keeps happening around the 1 / 1.5 month mark. I'm at a loss. They seem to enjoy my company a lot when we're together, they want to text, but the effort just drops. I simply ignored the latest guy after another low-effort reply from him regards to meeting up. I've ignored him a couple times since then, suddenly he's double-triple texting me, trying to nail down a date, trying to be funny and sweet and what not. What is this..

Hey all, Hope you're having a lovely start to the week. I've noticed a trend in my dating experiences. For context, I'm 24F and the guys I date have either been the same age or a couple years older. Now, I mostly do online dating. The guys I match and start a conversation with are always very-very enthusiastic about meeting me. The banter is always great, we set a date, and the first dates have always been nice. The excitement lasts, but there's always a shift eventually. The guys, they don't ghost me, they don't dump me, but they pull back significantly without actually backing off completely. I've made it a point to notice these things and stop with the effort on my end when it's not reciprocated. Whenever I pull back myself, it's like a switch goes off and the guys start approaching me more again. Clearly they're not as interested as I wish they were, but how come I always end up as some kind of a "convenient" girl, or something like that? That's what it feels like. Whenever I break it off, they act surprised and are upset. I don't get it? I then start questioning myself; maybe I'm being dramatic, maybe I'm overthinking this, etc etc. I try to remind myself that I broke it off because I wasn't satisfied with their effort, I wasn't comfortable, and it's okay. But as it keeps happening, my logical side also tells me it's a 'me' issue? It's exhausting. I wish I could just be myself, act how I'm feeling and be genuine. I don't want to play games. Is this just a string of bad luck, is my picker off, is something off with me, why is it like this?!

I get you, OP. My mother overstepped many of my boundaries as well, obviously forced me into uncomfortable situations that often times left me humiliated, embarrassed of my body and so on. What is your relationship with her like overall, have you talked to her about this? I’m not sure if this is a one-off incident for you. In my case, it took years to let go of the anger. Why, because I was looking at things the wrong way. I tried to force myself everyday to “not care”, when in reality I had to face the music, and accept what is. If you can talk to her about this, please do so. Hear her side. However you are feeling about this, your feelings are valid.

It is that simple, I’m glad you’re getting it!

What point are you making exactly? Are you just being petty? Hate to tell you this but on an online forum people engage when they feel like it. Pretty simple.

@Big StanPlease be more condescending.

Tina was a big part of my journey into the music industry as a woman and a drummer. Another star in the heavens for us, may she rest easy!

Hey you, I see a lot of my past self in your post. My ex cheated on me in extremely disgusting ways, and the gaslighting, lying, comparing me to these women, left me utterly traumatised. Over time I grew terribly angry as well. All the energy and emotion you feel (anger, pain, sadness, you know), use it. The emotions you feel are paralysing at first, but with enough perseverance and discipline you can use it as fuel for YOU. Moving on, it's not about him, what he did, who he is, what's wrong with him, it's about YOU now. Your happiness, your health, your future, you you you. Treat your body well; eat well, sleep well, exercise, go outside on long walks, get some sun. Get creative if you're into it at all, enjoy music, doodle, draw, maybe read some. Start a new series. Enjoy a simple cup of tea. Soothe your mind however you can. You need to learn how to love yourself enough so you won't allow another douchebag to treat you this way.

Hey all, Happy evening from where I’m writing you! I have a different thread here where I’ve been writing about this man I’ve been dating, it was lovely until some days ago where some things turned “weird”. At this point, I am unsure, so I decided to continue exploring my options more. Just to point out, we haven’t had the exclusivity talk. I met a guy on a dating site. We are both mid 20s, we have been texting some. The banter is great, when I asked about what he’s looking for, he gave me a very honest and clear answer, which I respected a lot. He said he still has baggage from his last break up, feelings are harder to grow, so he’s hoping to find a woman to simply spend some quality time with and hopes to, in the end, be introduced to these feelings again. His goal is an honest stable relationship. Reading between the lines, it sounded like he got cheated on. I told him what I’m looking for (LTR) and offered him friendship for now, as our banter is great and we seem to have a lot in common. But an ex being mentioned stuck out to me like a sore thumb. We had a very open exchange about some boundaries and exes, which was a breath or fresh air. All in all, steer clear, be cautious, friends? I haven’t even met him yet so I am not trying to get ahead of myself, just wondering what experiences you guys may have. I wouldn’t mind developing a new friendship at all, but I’ve had bad experiences with men who weren’t properly healed, be it platonic relationships or romantic. I am sorry, this dating thing is so damn confusing to me!

Hey all, Thought I'd shoot another update here. I have decided to back away some and give more focus to other options. He says he is keen, still, but his actions confuse me. I don't know what exactly is happening, I just know it doesn't feel good. We have agreed to meet tomorrow to clear out some things, imo there shouldn't really be issues this early on, I will see how it goes, but I'm going to try to keep a clear head and detach from any feelings for now as I do not feel safe being vulnerable. I am keeping my side of the street clean, he knows what I'm looking for, that I'm interested, and willing to act. He says the same but the actions, to me, are lacking. For reasons I'm not sure about. I made the mistake of getting into a discussion about it over text, a totally wrong move on my end, I don't think it caused damage, just needless confusion. A lot of things get lost over text. Will see. I'm disappointed, I hope this is just a misunderstanding, but I'm not holding my breath. I don't have a reason to trust his word, I don't know him like that yet. Trying to look out for myself and be smart this time. @Batya33I'd like to thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, they have helped me a lot in my inner debates! These discussions help me see things I wouldn't notice otherwise, so thank you.