TacticalLinguine

Well, I don't feel sorry I "lost" any of those people. I'm being realistic when I say that I was traded; being cheated on and dumped for another multiple times is what I'd consider "trading". I don't see how that says anything about my self-esteem? It is what it is. Me being 24 and young has nothing to do with these kinds of experiences in my opinion. People either have morals or they don't. Being dumped is one thing, being used and betrayed is another. Sure it left a mark on me, but I learned a lot, I know who I am, what I have earned and what I have to offer. I'm either not good at expressing myself here or you're searching for what isn't there; I'm not scared of things not working out. Sure it would be disappointing, but I'm not holding my breath, I want to be in the moment, and at the same time do what I can so things have a better chance at working out. I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. --- also an update --- But talking about fear - he stayed over last night for the first time and we kind of went into some strange territory, I'm not quite sure how to navigate here. It was the 5th date, I had mentioned that he can freely stay over, considering he always arrives home quite late and we work full time. As we were getting ready to sleep, he started telling me he's scared of rushing things. He was a bit tight-lipped at first, but told me he's had bad experiences before with rushing into things and then the flame going out as quickly as it started. That in his mind he should take me out on a nice date, dinner, walk, and then stay over; to him "firsts" are a special thing. That I am important to him and he doesn't want to do something wrong. He was not saying it at first, but in the end he explained he doesn't want to get rejected again. That it's happened too much before and he doesn't want to be the cause it happens. I expressed that on my end, I like him, I want to spend time with him and get to know him. I felt like that's all I could've done. I told him he should go home if there's a chance he will regret staying over; I don't want it to have a bad feeling to it. But in the end he told me he really wanted to stay, his mind is just scared. Now. This is new to me. This perhaps sounds bad and cocky but more often than not, to me, talk is cheap when actions show uncertainty. He did open up to me a lot and we had a very open conversation about our past fiascos, how we want to keep seeing each other, but the confusion on his end is what concerns me. Should I be more empathetic here? I feel like if he were sure about me, he wouldn't be so confused? He claims he is sure, is keen, and interested, and I can understand the effect bad experiences have on us, but I don't know what to think about the things he told me last night. I hope I don't come across as cold, I do tend to be quite blunt. The morning was nice, he told me to have a nice trip, to send pictures, and that 10 days will fly by. That of course he wants to see me again. I am leaving the country today, I will focus on my work and keep in touch with him where I can. I plan on keeping it fun and care-free, do my thing and take the days as they come. What are your thoughts on this?

Of course I appreciate compliments. To me it does take a lot of effort to verbally convey such things, hence I was asking if that is something I should improve at. Regards to the trip - I am feeling a bit anxious I suppose and looked for reassurance. Most people have traded me for somebody else for all kinds of reasons in the past, I guess I have a hard time seeing a different outcome sometimes.

Hi all, Me again! Hope you've had a lovely start to the week. What's your guys' experience with vacations etc in early stages of dating? I am asking because later this week I will be leaving the country for 10 days for work. The guy in this thread seems keen to keep me around, made some comments about what we shall do after I return and otherwise has a positive outlook on things. 10 days is nothing in the long run, but somehow feels like a lot in this context. We have arranged to meet the day before I fly out, go do something depending on the weather and just have a good time. He is even planning on cutting his training short for that date, which means a lot to me. Also another thing I wonder at times, I am terrible at this "words of affirmation" thing. All my affection I tend to show through action, but I know how good nice words and comments feel sometimes. Is that something to work on? Thanks!

I’m back with an update! Prior to the first date we had a bit of confusion with time and place (some things got lost in text), so 10min before the time I had in mind he postponed the date by an hour. I thought here we go, this is bad. He took note to my attitude change and saw where he mis-read my text. He showed up 30min later with a beautiful bouquet of roses and chocolate. I was so shocked, was not expecting it! It was very sweet. We went for a walk and our date lasted 12 bloody hours. We just talked and laughed. I have no idea where the time went. We had our third date yesterday! He’s very thoughtful and respectful, funny, intelligent and quirky in his own way. He shows up with a small gift (chocolate etc) every time. Yesterday he brought his 150mil year old dinosaur tooth to show me, we both love dinosaurs, so that was amazing :’). I’m going with the flow. I really enjoy spending time with him, I feel zero anxiety or fear. I’m not holding my breath, but I hope things continue going well! Question; our dates last reaaally long. The first one was 12h, last two around 7h. Is that too much? There’s no neediness or desperation on either end, we just really seem to enjoy spending time together. Time just flies. Thanks for reading!

Thanks! It is definitely not love, I just had no idea what to call it :') I will look into the self-soothing rituals; I'm fairly certain I came close to an anxiety attack earlier. So I suppose it is anxiety, and a lot of it. I'm truly shocked it's affecting me like this, usually I can keep my cool just fine. I don't know what's going on with me. The point about this being entirely self-absorbed really snapped me out of it just now, I need to stop feeling it's all about me and instead give us a chance to connect. I will remind myself of this if/when I start experiencing the anxiety again! Thank you again.

Can this kind of anxiety be totally subconscious? Mentally I feel alright, a bit distracted, but I'm fairly content otherwise. It's my stomach that is tied up in knots :'). I'll sit myself down later tonight and try make sense of myself..

Hi everyone, Happy Monday😁 Reaching out for thoughts from people with more experience.. I'm a 24 year old woman myself, I haven't really dated in a while and figured I wouldn't for a couple years for all kinds of reasons. Some days ago I decided to hop on a dating site, completely out of the blue, not expecting to find much. I happened to meet someone I seem to have a great connection with. We've been texting here and there, the banter is great, very like-minded with same goals, we will be meeting on Thursday as I will be out of town until then. My problem, I feel sick! I have not yet met the person so I'm not setting expectations, but the interest I do have towards him is making me feel really strange. I've barely ate the last couple of days. Crushes I had as a teenager felt cute and sweet, but if this is a case of "butterflies in stomach", let me tell you, the butterflies have razor blades for wings. Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to lessen the effect this has on me? Sorry if I come across silly, this is very rare for me. Thank you!

My opinion seems to go against every other commenter here. I'm a 24 year old woman, thinking back at when I was 17-19, I had quite a few men in their late 20s and early 30s hitting on me. To me it is just wrong. I may have been flattered back then, but now it kind of sickens me to be completely blunt with you. I was a fresh adult, no experience, no idea of what I was really facing, which is how most teens are. To these men it might have been fun and exciting, but to me, looking back, I regret everything about it. The difference in maturity levels, experience, I do not like it. That's how I feel. I would strongly urge you stick to women your age, not teens who are still getting to know themselves.

Then why did you call it lying in your title and OP? You may justify this however you like, for him you crossed the line. Frankly I would have left, too.

What is honest and respectful about lying, going out with a guy, texting with him, all behind your partner's back when your relationship is on shaky grounds?

I wouldn't even confront. Disrespectful immature people aren't worth the energy, willing to bet money he wouldn't even own up to any of it; therefore causing you more pain and confusion. In instances like these I would just ghost. Then probably hit them with a snarky comment about said messages when they ask me what's going on. But that's because I'm a bit of an a-hole.

This thread should be closed.. It's either a completely delusional person hyping up and justifying his obsession with a coworker, or a troll. Either way, therapy would be a good idea, OP.

Instead of judging the guy on an online forum, look inwards and consider your own actions. He may be this and that, we don't have his side, but stabbing somebody in the back is not something you can ever justify. Learn to leave and be alone when you're unhappy.

If I were you I would be happy for her. Allow her to heal and move on, as you battle your own demons and work on staying sober.

You can learn a valuable lesson from this - next time, figure out what it is you want. After reading this thread, the constant juggling between casual, serious, fwb, so on, made my head hurt. To be honest I still don't really understand what it is you wanted.

I'd grab my stuff, go who-knows-where and head out backpacking! But alas, I have unfinished paperwork! That's actually a fun question. What would you do?

Hi and happy Monday! Thanks for all the replies, I've been thinking hard and reflecting here over the weekend. Hold on to your seats, lots of over-thinking to follow! This comment in particular leads to the reason for my current, well, crisis: As a woman, it's more or less the biological clock that's putting pressure on me. The fact that I don't even know if I want kids also complicates things. They kind of scare me, to be completely honest with you. My business is my everything at this point, putting life more or less on hold and then juggling work with children makes me feel uneasy because of my own childhood neglect. If I did have children, they would be #1 priority, always. Question.. How did you good people know that you want to have children? Was it/is it something you've always known or something you decide after meeting the right person? The thought of committing to a partner is also a bit frightening. Alone I am in charge, I'm not vulnerable, there's no chance I'll be betrayed. It sounds dramatic as ever but I've gotten burned in all of my romantic relationships. Then again, all of us have been hurt, how do you keep yourself open and willing to try again? Lying, flaking and using others seems to be so normalised these days. This is also my mindset - very rational and pragmatic. Whenever somebody talks about "love finding you", it makes me so happy for everybody but myself. I really can't imagine that happening to me! Perhaps a bit pessimistic, but realistically I don't think I'd be a good partner. I'd need to change my ways a lot. Everything that I am makes me terribly tiresome in personal relationships, then again excels me in my professional life. Can't have my cake and eat it, too. This and adoption are routes I have considered very seriously. The chance of successful birth through freezing eggs and IVF is a lot lower than I expected, possibly going through this process of love and grief is something I'm not sure I could handle myself. I absolutely love Thailand!! Best mangoes I've had in my life, and there's always a nice cold beer waiting to be bought where ever you look :D. Anyone reading this, this is your sign to go! At 24, this is what sounds heavenly to me. Do you have any regrets? Say you were with a woman past her child-bearing years, would you feel like you're missing out due to not having children? Or has this been your choice? Sorry if I came off blunt, I'm not sure how to word it any better! Parents often told me that at 40 is when life really begins, I do worry of feeling guilt for this or that later on. This made me laugh because that's exactly how I feel! I'm glad I came here with this, a lot of wise people to share their side after experiencing the same emotions. Sometimes I do wish there was a step-by-step guide to all of this :') --- Despite my bleakness, I have taken your thoughts to heart and feel more at ease for sure! I know life will go on and I will be fine no matter what happens, 'be like water', but I enjoy working through these thoughts and emotions, even though they don't feel so good sometimes.

Hey all, I'd like to hear your thoughts and experiences please. I'll be 25 in 6 months. Although that isn't old, it's not young either. For the last couple of years I've been focusing on my career, hobbies, and me. I genuinely enjoy being on my own. But I have these moments where I feel I'm running out of time? I don't know if that sounds silly or not. Although I am proud of the success I have reached in my career and the skills I have learned through hours of work and studying, I am not old but I am getting older. I will never be as young as I am now. I could still go out and enjoy myself, have fun, make mistakes, repeat them once or twice and learn at my own pace because I am young. But there will come a time when I 'should' start dating for marriage, kids, etc. When I can't keep making mistakes, when I need to take things seriously. I would stay single for years to come. But will I miss the opportunity to be young and, well, dumb? I suppose I have a fear of experiencing regret later in life. Thinking I should have gone out there and been silly instead of fussing about in the office. Then again I am setting a foundation for me and my future self, for a better life. There is no restart or a second chance when it's too late. How the hell do I know which way is right?

Would love to hear the girlfriend's side of the story. To me it's sounded from the start like you fuel the drama just as much but through mental gymnastics you convince yourself to be the victim. This isn't working. Your words alone show your distain. End it.

Petty sarcasm and immature comments doesn't equal being direct. Thank you for the advice, I will skip the posts I want. Hugs and kisses, Linguine

Hi! Hope you're well. Here's a general question, hope I am posting it in the right thread. There are many stories on these sites where people are left in the cold after a whirlwind of, well, borderline love bombing and general intensity at the beginning stages of dating. Many people will say "too much too soon" when said people wonder why they were dumped, but is that actually a thing? Say you managed to slow it down, would it work then? What exactly does this kind of intensity have to do with whether the person is right for you or not? Genuinely wondering! Sorry for any errors in my Engrish 🙂

Goodness sake. You are so unpleasant. Take a chill pill, stop getting your knickers in a twist and learn some grace, my friend.

I post here because I have no other outlet. Why do you? To bully me and throw ludicrous accusations my way next to @Wiseman2while acting holier-than-though? You pretend to give me advice and then get passive aggressive and insult me. Perhaps stop gaslighting people and go take a long look in the mirror. I’m no victim, I never claimed to be. But I’ll be damned if I let a deluded stranger on a forum tear into me for no reason. All you do is assume. I work a high-stress job, am a musician on the side and compete in combat sports as a hobby. You go run on your treadmill and call me an ugly lazy drunk who’s a danger to his nieces and fellow citizens. If that’s what gives you joy. Thanks for any genuine advice, I heard you and it meant a lot to me. I’m logging off. I really just wanted to put my thoughts somewhere, I didn’t quite expect to be attacked like this. Have a good one.

You’re right, I’m a bad aunt, absolute trash and a selfish entitled drunk. And a murderer too. Please continue being mean and condescending. It makes me realise how much there is to be sober for.

Anyone can buy a breath alcohol test.