nina

thinking about this question yesterday I thought of some famous actors who... although not attractive in the usual way ... I would LOVE to go out and have lunch with.... They are: Danny De Vito (short, round and balding), John Goodman (BIG guy) and Stanley Tucci (extremely balding). But what do these guys have in common? A sense of humour (for British women this is the most important thing in a guy - not money, or looks but a GSOH (good sense of humour)), and a smile which goes into the very depths of their wonderful eyes. They look fun and didn't Cindi Lauper once sing: 'And girls.. just wanna have fun?' BTW.. I never thought you 'loathed' yourself. I just thought you might have lacked self-confidence. Sorry if you felt offended by that. All the Best!

When I was about 17 and still at school I went a little haywire too. I was doing French and we had to read Albert Camus' book 'The Stranger' (L'Etranger). This introduced me to the 'delights' of existentialism. It completely unbalanced me, threw my life off course. And I've never really recovered. I started getting really insecure and nervous. During the day things weren't so bad.. but at night time.. that's when this feeling of unease and uncertainty started to creep up on me. My dad had to sleep in my bedroom and I slept in his bed with my mother (they had two twins pushed together). The family doctor also prescribed tranquilizers. I took one every night when these feelings started to grow. he only gave me a month's supply and I don't know if I ever took them all. But taking them suppressed these feelings and gave me a chance to get some grip on myself. It happened again in Spain when I lived there - and in London too. A certain unhappiness in my life, the feeling 'is this all there is?' and uncertainty again. In Spain.. I realised - after reading around a bit - that it was mild depression. Reading articles, I understood that this would pass. In London I was given Diazapam (a tranquilizer). Again.. only a month's supply and I was told only to take one when I felt the need for it. But basically what improved me completely was giving up a job which I had only taken in order to please my parents. As soon as I had given up this secure job, with four weeks' paid holiday, and a state pension at the end of it - to return to a freelance life abroad - where basically no work equates to no pay.. I felt a lot better. Why? Because I was making the choices again. Try and do what YOU enjoy and to hell with the rest of the world. See if there are areas in your life where you can make some decisions - then you'll feel more in control. Good luck.

Believe me... I don't like that kind of stuff either. it's just that I always complained that he didn't contact me (didn't complain to him but to my female friends). But then I realised that I never gave him a chance. Different people operate at different speeds. Some people take a long time before they respond to a question or comment.. other people just start saying the first thing that comes into their mind without taking the time to think about what they want to say. Some people want contact twice a day with their boyfriend and others don't mind if it's every three days. I'm waiting to see what his natural rhythm is. And anyway.. at the beginning of our relationship... it was him pursuing me and courting me. I think he liked that - the knight on the steed trying to win the 'fair maiden'. So I shall let him do that again if he wants.

sorry must have clicked twice and the message appeared twice.

Four of us English teachers here in Germany used to meet up regularly for a late breakfast on Tuesday mornings after our first classes. My friend Alison always went on and on about how sexy her boyfriend Martin was. How attractive. How gorgeous. How good-looking. One day she showed us a photo of him next to an article he had written for a journal. We all looked at the photo in stunned silence. He was in his late 30s, balding slightly, dark hair, beard, glasses and smiling. I think we were all thinking...'HUH??? This is HIM??? This is the good-looking guy she's been on about for MONTHS??? The guy she wants to marry???' And then we looked at his eyes. They were full of fun. And the smile was really attractive. And then we understood. I think he was fitter than you but this little anecdote should tell you a little about women. A man can be utterly physically repulsive ... but his personality can be utterly attractive. Look at Picasso for heaven's sake. I mean.. Richard Gere or Johnny Depp he was not. But women fell at his feet. If I were you.... it seems you find being overweight a negative point. Well, there is something you can do about that. I got up to 73 kilos this time last year and decided that enough was enough. I know weigh 66 kilos (thats 15.4 pounds lighter). I FEEL better and more energetic not having to drag extra weight around with me. How did I do it? I walked about 8 hours a week to and from work - getting up an hour earlier to do so. Went to the gym two or three times a week to work out on the machines for about an hour, and swum once or twice a week for 35-40 minutes. I also ate tons of fruit (I could eat the entire strawberry production of Spain) and salad - stuffed myself with fresh food - but no sauces. I never went hungry. I lost about a pound a week after the initial four weeks in which nothing seemed to happen. Now I feel lighter and more flexible and more energetic. I don't do so much as I used to but I still try and fit the gym in 4 times a week even if I don't feel like it. And on the days I don't go there I do Pilates exercises. very easy stretching exercises which are great for improving posture. You have it in yourself to do something. My boyfriend does not realise how sexy and attractive he is. I bought him a shirt just before Christmas and we went out with him wearing it and my friends thought he looked scrummy. Maybe.... you should ask a female colleague or friend or family member that you trust and feel comfortable with to go shopping with you. No need to buy anything.. but just ask them to pick clothes that suit you so that you can try them on and see what you look like. I know someone else who is also over 30 and balding. he's nice but no-one is attracted to him and I think it's because of the way he dresses. he dresses like a gardener - even though he is a freelance translator like me. His dress sense is awful (PURPLE SHIRTS?????!!!!). Think about what I said.. go shopping with a woman. Dress so it brings out the best in you.

Hi John One, I read what you said and agree with it totally. I think I made myself unattractive to my boyfriend too by appearing to 'needy'. I leant on him too much. In these last two weeks I've become more of the self-reliant person I was when we first met over a year ago. I think it's a lot healthier. I've also done a few things for myself (gone to get the first haircut this year (money is tight) and gone to the cinema to see 'Johnny English' (boy, did I need a laugh). And that's been good for MY soul. In the meantime, things have not been going well for my (ex?) boyfriend. The girl he did want to go out with.. well.. her father has forbidden her to see him. And now he is suffering. Ah, it's all a mess. God knows if we will ever get back together again.. but we're still talking to each other. I will not visit him as originally planned at the beginning of May but I might still go at the end of May. This will give us both time to think about things - and who knows what will happen? The thing is... I set out deliberately not to contact him first. I always complained that HE never initiated contact but then realised that I never gave him a chance to.. because I was always quicker. Anyway, since i've been holding back a bit.. he's been coming forward. And that makes me pleased.

Hi Jeffrey, I've been thinking about you during the last few days and sending you my best wishes. There's so much hurt and confusion in the world that I'd love to be The Good Fairy and just wave my wand and make everyone happy. Now, I know this is going to sound rather trite.. but try and read a couple of books by Norman Vincent Peale. No great philosopher and you may have to find a strategy to cope with the word 'God' all the time if you have ambivalent feelings towards religion.. BUT.. there is a lot of good sense in what he writes. He's a bit like a spin doctor. By putting a different 'spin' on situations, you can get something positive out of them. It's a sort of 'the glass is half full/half empty' situation. Sometimes I wish I could just go to bed and never wake up again... BUT.. the thing that does get me out of bed is sheer CURIOSITY. Sometimes it just translates into... 'Can life get any worse than it is right now?'. Try and forgive yourself for any dumb things you've done in the past (and haven't we all done such things?) and stop dragging any guilt around with you. See each day as a brand new beginning. The slate has been wiped clean during the night and when you wake up you have a chance again to do better than you did before. Every day is a new opportunity - and you never know what life is going to fling in your direction.

A lot of what you wrote seemed to reflect my situation, too. I am older than my boyfriend and I am/was? his first girlfriend. I says he is still a boy and has a lot of growing up to do. He wants to go out with other women and I can understand that. I've had a lot of previous partners and I know how to appreciate the good things about him then. He has nothing to compare me to. He wants to come back to me too but knows that he has no right to stand in my way if I should find happiness with anyone else. I am trying to hold back from contacting him because I think that I leant on him too much - which was unfair. I have used him as a crutch this year since my job isn't going so well (bad economic situation in Germany which is where I live and work) and I've had some old hang-ups relating to my mother. I'm trying to do things that I enjoy (like going to see Rowan Atkinson in 'Johnny English'. I took a friend who also needed cheering up and we laughed stitches.). And I hope that if I feel happier, my boyfriend will be re-attracted to me. I also often complained (in my mind - not usually to him) that he never initiated contact enough. But on reflection, I found that I never really gave him a chance to. So now I'm trying to hold back and wait for him to contact me. And it's working. Two text messages, a phone call and a chat all on Wednesday. And then more text messages on Friday. There's still a dull pain in me (it's only been two weeks) and I do still live in hope. I've gone through a lot of emotions. For the first three days, I just felt numb. I've gone through anger, optimism, hope, despair and the idea of thinking of him as dead. It's all a bit of a mess. I shall probably go and visit him again at the end of May (he lives in Denmark) and we shall see what we feel and think then. Enjoy what you can. There's one saying which goes: The best revenge is living well. Now, I don't mean you should take revenge, I'm sure you don't feel that way, I certainly don't. But try and live well... you deserve it. And when you feel good - you will attract good things. Good luck. I wouldn't give up hope yet.. but look after yourself.

At the end of March, the boyfriend said he wanted a change. But he thought he would still get back together with me in the end. Right now, I have decided to focus on myself and do things that I like doing. I also resolved not to contatct him, to let him contact me. And what do you know? It worked. On Wednesday I got two text messages from him and a call and then later when I was online he started a chat conversation. Then I got another couple of text messages on Friday. Oh, it is sooooo hard. I want to ring him right now, but I am gritting my teeth together and holding myself back. I shall see how long it takes before he makes contact again.

I think you just want the maximum number of people to like you so you try to be all things to all people. I don't know how old you are Jeffrey. Maybe you're still trying to figure out what kind of personality you'd like to have. I'm quite shy and not very confident - but I'd love to be extrovert and sometimes I can get up enough guts to do so. (I also teach and have to stand in front of groups of adult learners - scary!!!) My students are amazed that I should be nervous. But I often admit it in front of them and then I have them on my side and that helps. I love my little flat (apartment). I close the door and I am by myself and I can act any way I like. Everywhere you go .. you are different things to different people. You naturally behave differently - even talk differently - when you are with your friends, your family, with work colleagues, people in offices... whatever. Everyone is like that. You'd behave differently if you were in court than if you were in a cafe with your friends, right? So that's normal. Another thought that comforts me is... there are 600,000,000 people in this world (and growing). I can't like everyone and everyone can't like me. But with so many people in this world... there are bound to be a whole heap of them who will like you and be charmed by you. You just have to attract them. Behave the way you wish to behave with your moral values. Don't do anything that goes against the grain, that you'd have difficulty in squaring your conscience with. If you constantly change your personality, you'll be giving out such mixed messages that people won't know what kind of person you are so they won't know if they would get on with you. Maybe you are jealous of people who have a huge number of 'friends' around them. Don't. Because when that person is ill or in trouble.. these so-called 'friends' will melt away like snow in July. What you should hope for is a handful of friends. Maybe about 5. Because friendships need time and effort spent on them. One of my American friends has another comforting saying: 'Hell, in 100 years' time.. who's gonna know? Hell.. who's gonna know in 10 years' time?' Frankly you might make a fool of yourself once in a while.. but the world moves on so fast that such small incidences are soon swept aside and forgotten. Look.. forget the other people. Go and do what you like doing. make a list of (a) things you enjoy doing.. and make sure you regularly do it. (I, for example, enjoy the same hobbies as I did when a kid... my little sister thinks I'm childish.. but I think I'm happier than she is). And ( b) make a list of things you'd like to do and work on that.. I don't know... parachute jump, hitch-hiking around Europe, learning how to drive (or even more attractive in a man.. learning how to cook!!!).. and do that. It'll give you things to look forward to AND you'll meet people doing the same thing and who thereforeeeeeee share your same interests. And you'll find you won't ahve to put on a front. Sorry that these thoughts are so random but I didn't have time to write them all down and put them in a logical order. jeffrey.. you are you... and no-one else. And no-one else can be just like you. The world will have to like it or lump it (put up with it).

my boyfriend told me six days ago that he didn't love me the way he used to and he had met someone else. personally.. I think that this new girlfriend will ask him to leave eventually - as she has just done with her last boyfriend. Why? Because what irritated her about her last boyfriend... well.. my ex-BF has exactly the same qualities. i would love us to get together again. however, right now I am building up a tower of ice around me so that the pain cannot get through to me and so that my emotions do not break out and leave me in a littleheap on the floor. I need time to get over this rejection. And if in a couple of months' time my ex-BF rang up with a view to getting together again... as much as I would like to ... I would be very very wary of being hurt again. For me... the ex-BF would have to start all over again... from square one. Trust has to be built up again. I know it is the other way round for you.. that it was she who broke it off. But this is just my point of view. In my very personal view.. I think you just have to give things time. Don't put pressure on her. I hate it when people do that. It makes me confused and I do something just to get the other person off my back and then I hate myself because I didn't necessarily make the decision that I wanted. And then I don't know what I want and I can't think clearly. Maybe phone less. If you do the calling all the time, don't. Give her the chance to come to you.. and don't run after her. After all.. you already know that she is willing to give it another go.. so relax and chill out. if things work out.. you'll have the rest of your life together. And if you do want to spend the rest of your life together with someone, take things slowly and be sure that you are the right ones for each other. Good luck. i just hope my ex-BF eventually finds his way back to me. Your message has given me some hope to cling on to.

Rosemary, You probably feel as stunned and as numb as I do. I am in exactly the same situation. I went up last weekend to see my boyfriend as he had started to mention another woman's name a lot and I arrived there on Friday morning (even cancelled two classes so I could take the overnight train). He dropped the bombshell on Friday afternoon. He wanted to go out with other women. He didn't feel the same about me as he used to. We've known each other for just over a year. It think it's normal for a relationship to go through stages - after the initial stage, things settle down a little and become calmer. The problem is I am his first real girlfriend. I can understand his reason for wanting to see other women. Maybe he would appreciate what we have more. He felt bad about this situation. He didn't want to go behind my back and be unfaithful so he wanted to break things off. I want him to come back... but I also have a sneaking suspicion that maybe.. if this other woman (who is very sweet - I've met her - she cooked dinner for us last Saturday and we went out together with a group of other people to the cinema!) if this other woman got bored with him (which I suspect she will in about 2-6 months) he might just decide to pick up with me again because he wanted someone - anyone. I've read a lot on another British magazine website about break-ups and the men there are telling each other to cut all ties. Not to contact the ex at all. make a clean break. on the other hand, I have read a couple of posts here and read a bit in one of John Gray's book that sometimes a break-up can strengthen a relationship - simply because both appreciate what they nearly lost. Then again.. one has to really think hard what one is so upset about? Is it because you won't see him again? Or is it because you miss being in a relationship? Having someone to look forward to and share things with? If it's because of that then you could have that with other people. The thing is.. like you.. I think Michael and I went extremely well together. Although he is younger than me, he is sometimes maturer than me. He was really great. I feel so numb now I don't know what to do. Slowly the numbness is wearing off and I feel close to tears very often. I hope he will contact me in a few weeks' or months' time and I really don't know what to do if he doesn't. Keep me posted as to how you are doing. Maybe we could support each other? All the best Tina