lisa_k

It's been four months since my relationship with my fiance ended. While I've been feeling MUCH better than I did the initial several weeks after our breakup, the past few days I've been thinking about him constantly, doing the "what if" thing, etc. I haven't broken the NC rule (never...in four months!). It's interesting to read what you have to say, and I appreciate your candor. Lisa

So sorry to hear about your breakup. It's been 4 months since my fiance and I ended our relationship. I thought he was THE ONE, and our breakup was just so sad. The first several weeks were difficult....constantly thinking about him, wondering what he was doing, checking my phone constantly to see if he'd tried to call me, wondering if he was thinking about me,...you get the picture! I'm happy to tell you that it does get easier, it does get better. Give yourself time to feel all of this, to get through it all. As much as it hurts now, you will feel better in the end. Another piece of advice that I would give anyone in this situation is to surround yourself with people who are all about YOU; people who know you well and will support you and give you the straight talk/shoulder to cry on that you need at this time to make you feel stronger. Lisa

Hi there, My advice to you (as someone who is now three months out of a relationship) is to let yourself feel all of your emotions. Don't try to fix it, change it, hide it.....just let yourself cry, feel the anger, be sad. This is the most difficult part of getting over your ex. So many people turn to another relationship too quickly or to some other "fix" to try to mask the pain. I can honestly tell you that it has taken almost three months for me to feel better. I still think of him, but it's not as often and not as sad. Some days, I still wonder "what if" or feel like I want to talk with him, but everything's not as overwhelming as it once was. Take one day at a time, one week at a time...soon you'll find yourself feeling stronger. One more thing...surround yourself with people who care about you and who are looking out for you. Lisa

Hi there, I know how difficult it is to get your mind around the fact that someone you loved could hurt you so badly. That said, I know that you can see now (very clearly) that he is not interested in any type of romantic relationship with you. He has played with your emotions long enough. It's time for you to be strong...move forward. HE is the one with the problem, not you. Continue no contact. (This weekend will mark 8 weeks of no contact for me.) Get involved with other things...and be sure you have a good support system ~ people who love you and who are looking out for you! Lisa

Hi, My advice to you (and I know you know this in your heart) is to leave him and that whole situation and never look back. You saw him for what he is. He isn't concerned about you and your well being. Believe me, I understand how difficult it is to have a relationship end and have no contact (I'm going through it right now). Be strong. Surround yourself with people who care about you and who are looking out for your best interest. You will be a stronger, happier, more self-confident person in the end. Lisa

Hi, I've been doing the NC for almost 8 weeks now. I know that having absolutely no contact is the only way I can get through this. I still feel weak at times, and know that if I would give in and call him on one of my weak days, I would feel worse not better. It's encouraging to know that no contact does work. Congratulations to you!

Hi there, Just wanted to post my two cents worth!: Going to the gym and losing weight are two things that will absolutely help with your self-confidence. When you look good, I think you naturally feel good about yourself. More importantly, I hope you're able to surround yourself with people who love you and know how wonderful you are. Moms and best friends are really good at that! They put everything into perspective for you and give you the strength and courage to do what you need to do. When you have people who are on your side no matter what, it does wonders for your self-confidence!

Hi there, Just wanted to let you know that I was in a situation that was almost identical! My advice to you is to RUN, don't walk, away from this relationship. It's fine to see that one's mother is cared for and isn't wanting for anything. It's also fine to take her out to dinner once a week, etc. The problem comes when he chooses her and her needs over you. This is iimmature and selfish on both their parts. If he was completely devoted to you, he would set limits with his mother. If his mother was any kind of a decent person, she would not be interfering in this way. Bottom line: They both want things this way, otherwise things would be different. There's no way your relationship can progress; and no way that you can be happy and content. Good luck to you!

Hi, I've been reading many of the posts and as sorry as I am that there are so many people who are hurting, it's also a comfort to know that I'm in good company. It's been 7 weeks since my fiance and I last spoke. I'm 38, he's 36. We were together for almost two years. I thought he was THE ONE. The ending of this relationship is more distressing to me than my divorce was. He was everything that my ex-husband was not: talkative, demonstrative with his feelings, interested in what I had to say, etc...Living an hour apart, each of us working full time and my being a full time mom obviously made it difficult for us to see each other everyday. But, we did talk on the phone every night for a couple of hours, with a quick call or two during the day. Here were some problems: 1. We lived an hour apart. In the beginning, he said that his mom told him that he couldn't expect me to leave my town, and that he would need to move near me, etc. Well, a few months later his son decided that he wanted to live with him. That was the beginning of the change. He wanted me to move there. His mom said that he shouldn't leave his job, etc., since his son wanted to live with him. I wanted to compromise and meet somewhere in between so that we could each keep our jobs, and most importantly for me, so that my our children didn't have to change schools, friends, etc. He wouldn't budge. It had to be that I moved there because his son didn't want to leave the area where his family and friends were. When I pointed out that I had the same situation, his reply was always the same: "ut, you have custody of your son. If I had custody of mine already, I would tell him that we were moving and if he didn't want to go that's too bad; but since I'm trying to get custody and my son doesn't want to move, I can't take the chance that he won't want to live with me." Once his son started living with him in February, we never saw each other alone, he said that he wasn't going to leave him even for a few hours. 2. We saw each other once or twice a week....during the summer we'd spend the weekends together. His work schedule is such that he works every other weekend. On the Saturdays that our children were with the other parents, we would spend the day together after he got off work. His mom would always make comments to him about me not spending any time with his family. I didn't mind attending family functions, or even taking his mom out to dinner or something (she is married to his dad and has two other children), but as I told him and his mom, the times that I got to see him alone were precious to me, and I didn't understand why they didn't understand that I would want to spend time alone with him. As you can see from the first paragraph, also, his mom was a very controlling, overbearing presense in his life. Great example: He and I had plans the week before we split up. We were going to meet halfway for dinner (kids were with us). He called me and said that his mom wasn't going to be able to pick up his nephew and she told him he'd have to do it and by the time he went and picked him up and took him wherever he had to take him, it would be a couple of hours. When I asked why they didn't call his sister to pick up her own son, he said she was still at work. I was the bad guy because I got upset because he didn't stand up to his mom and tell her that he already had plans with me. It was always o.k. to change our plans, but when it came to his family..they were first. He, of course, claimed that they weren't, but it became more and more obvious...no woman would be as important as his family. 3. Is this an issue? He has a tattoo on his arm with his and his ex-wife's name on it. They divorced 11 years ago. He says he doesn't even think about the tattoo and doesn't want to waste the money getting it redone. 4. I became pregnant...which was a thrill, as I was told there was only a 25% chance that I would ever become pregnant again. He was happy, but stayed reserved because he didn't want to become attached to this baby in case something happened with our relationship. However, he made sure he was very attached to his two children from his marriage (especially his son). This hurt me deeply. We had discussed having children after we were married, etc., and he told me how excited he would be...He never came with me to my doctor's appts., never came to either of my ultrasounds...all with the excuse that he couldn't get away from work. I can understand that, but find it hard to believe that he couldn't get away for ONE appt. Now that his dad has cancer, funny how he can take time off for those dr.'s appts. A week before our baby was born, we stopped talking. Things weren't working, he said some hurtful things, and I couldn't deal with all of it. He wasn't there when the baby was born. When he was 10 days old, I called him to ask if he wanted to see our baby, and he actually was upset with ME because I didn't call him when I went into labor. I'll take 1/2 the blame for that. But, I also feel that had he been truly interested, he would have taken the initiative and kept in contact, knowing the baby was due any day. Today, he also has no contact with the baby. I take 100% care of our baby emotionally and financially. I sometimes cry when I look at our beautiful baby....made with the love his dad and I had for each other....now, look at what he's missing. 5. He told his family too many personal things about our relationship. Some things are o.k., but I feel that some things are personal. I now feel that he didn't know how to handle things, and had to get advice from his mom or his brother. I am 38 years old, college educated, excellent job....but I am having the most difficult time getting over this. He apparently is going out to bars occasionally (funny how he can leave his son for a few hours now, huh?), is telling people that I tried to change who he was and that I didn't want his kids (though, when we were together, he told everyone that his kids loved me), and is moving on with his life. He also tells never mentions our baby. He tells people he has TWO children (the two from his marriage). I know that I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have...I knew things were going downhill, but once I became pregnant, I felt that I needed to stay and try. Some days are good, some aren't. This week, I keep having the overwhelming need to talk to him. I know that nothing would be different and I wouldn't get any answers; I think it's just a comfort thing...needing to hear his voice, hoping to hear that he misses us and wants to try again. I look forward to hearing from all of you!