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Hi guys thanks for your responses, I didn't expect so many or even any but its great to hear that I helped some of you and its also great to hear differing views too! The word 'pain' has been touched upon a number of times and maybe that was too strong a word to use. I think what I was trying to get accross is that there if you have loved someone and lost them then you will always love them to some extent and so the emotional heartache and sadness over losing that person will always be with you. I have definitely moved on and my life is great I have no anger or regrets over our relationship and I do appreciate what I have. But there is, and from my point of view always will be, a sadness in me that pops up from time to time because I lost someone I loved. Its weird cos I can look back and smile at the great times we had together and be happy for them. I can also look back and be sad that there will be no more of those moments in the future although I don't miss him? Sometimes I don't understand myself but what I do understand is no matter how hard I try and no matter what people tell me I love him and know I always will. My question is, to those of you convinced the pain will not last forever, how will the pain disappear completely when someone affects your life so deeply? Surely they will always have a place in your heart? I hope this is true too and I do believe that until that person comes along that you are never truly healed… This is a fab concept and one I do believe in but it's the waiting for time to pass the fighting with will and the finding of that someone special that is so incredibly hard to do!! Really I hope that in the future I'll be telling a different story but for now this is it!

I just wanted to let you lot know that the truth is you never get over losing someone you love…you learn to live with it. As much as people tell you 'you'll get over it' and as much as they think you should be over it after a few weeks/months you wont be. But more positively it does get easier but only to a point and when that point is reached then that is the level of pain you have to deal with for the rest of your life. There is no point fighting it or trying to push it away, its impossible, you have to understand it and learn to live with it. In death you know that you will never forget the person that died and nor would you want to but when a relationship ends we are programmed to believe we have to forget but in reality we cant do that and as a result too much energy is spent beating ourselves up over the fact we can never forget. Why should we forget? I mean if you were with a person for a long time it must have been good for the most part so why erase good memories? It does not help to eliminate a person from our memory plus the fact that as human being it just isn't possible! Trying to only causes us more pain and frustration over why we are so weak that we cant stop thinking about them. Think of it this way if you really want something then it's hard to stop wanting it so if you give in to your 'want' and let yourself indulge you no longer want it as much. So if you allow yourself to remember your relationship and cry and smile and hurt and laugh then you can embrace it and deal with it instead of obsessing about it! Anyway, I just wanted to share with you what I have found over the last 18 months since my relationship of 5 years ended. Maybe it isnt the same for everyone and maybe a few years down the line things will be different again. I am still in a lot of pain and I do get very emotional from time to time but I'm happy with my life and I've learnt to accept what happened and live with it…life is harsh but then what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and that is 100% true!! xxx

I suspected this might be the case! I mean time cant heal all wounds can it? I split with my bf 6 months ago and it feels now just as painful as it did then. All that has changed is that I am able to deal with it a little better and have found the strength to carry on. My ex was my 'one' and inside I know that I wont find anyone to replace him, no matter how convinced my friends and family are! He was my world, my everything and being without him is too painful for words. I'm sure that you can relate as it sounds like you are feeling the same. How did dating feel? I havent started dating yet as I am scared and I just cant find anyone that makes me feel like wanting to! Do you constantly compare them to your ex? One day we will find the right person for us, there has to be more than one out there surely?! You say you only had NC for a month and to be honest that is probably why its harder for you at the moment. Even though you broke up being in contact gives a little feeling of hope and that they arent totally out of our lives. I havent seen or spoken to my ex for 3 months now and although its hard it would be harder to see or speak to him. Especially as he is now engaged after such a short time, that is hard! Life goes on and unfortunately so does this pain and heartache. Maybe one day we will find a higher love that will take the pain away or maybe we have to deal withit forever, who knows. So long as you can be happy within yourself i think that is what matters. Be strong

Rainz - Thank you so much, you put a different perspective on how im thinking, thanks for that I need it right now. He is exactly like that can walk away or turn his back on anything if he chooses and you are right I dont need someone like that, that fickle in my life. In a way it has helped me gain closure because now there will never be a chance of reconcilliation so hopefully I wil be able to move on. Dakota - He so wasnt for me but why didnt I see it, why didnt I listen to my family and friends telling me so right from day one? Love is so blind but next time i'll make sure I wear glasses and carry a white stick just in case! Thanks for your support it really means the world at the moment

Sonjam - Thank you as ever for your wisdom it really means alot. You are so right about us being the lucky ones, wasnt that a close escape! I suppose it just takes time for it to sink in, I still feel like i'm in shock to be honest. I do hate her because I know her and how could she do this but at the same time I feel desperately sorry for her. She thinks she knows him because they have been friends for so long but boy how wrong could she be. He wont change just like that, I know it and so does he. Until he sorts his problems he'll keep on breaking peoples hearts and making himself unhappy - it's so unfair but not my problem anymore! Cleverme - I appreciate your honesty, really I do but still its hard to kind of get to grips with. I really thought I was stronger and more swithched on than I am and its difficult to accept that i'm not. Its obvious you've been through the same if not worse by the sounds of it and you have come out a stronger person for it. Hopefully that will happen to me.

I don't know what I need right now, I am so confused and hurt and disoriented and angry and and and – just any advice or words will do. My situation is quite unbelievable, I would never in my wildest dreams have believed that what has happened would have but it has and here I am trying to deal with it. I have been around these forums for some months now and posting on various bits and pieces of my painful journey. My full story can probably be pieced together but now I feel it is time to tell the full story as I now I feel I have an ending or at least I hope so. 5 years ago I got together with the love of my life. We'd known each other since school, he was my first kiss…now my dream was coming true. He lived in my home town and I lived 2 hours away in another, but we were inseparable and saw each other every weekend and more. Our relationship was perfect, too perfect, I was on cloud 9 feeling like the luckiest person in the world. We decided that we needed to be together permanently so I gave up my life, friends, job and home and moved into his house and we started a new life together. In retrospect I had to start again all he did was have me around more. All this was decided on the understanding that we would buy a house together, it never happened. Still we were happy although for me it was difficult because of the changes in my life and the fact I was living in a house that he had bought with his ex and had a child. I was blinded by love and couldn't see that he wasn't giving his full self to me, how stupid was I? He has serious psychological issues due to various reasons which make him a very angry, self centred and irrational. I didn't know about these when I met him although he did tell me he had had problems in the past about 3 months into the relationship. I never realised what a massive impact this would have on us. I tried my best to help him to get help but in the end it was too much to deal with and it ended our relationship. We lived together for 3 months after we split and it was hard but I dealt with it, he couldn't. He couldn't be around me without being with me and it caused a lot of anger and resentment to build up between us. When I left things had calmed a little and I thought that maybe in time we might be friends…even get back together. I thought that if we weren't together that he really would see that he had problems and that his problems were not because of me. That he would go and get help and deal with and sort out whatever it was that was making him so unhappy but he didn't. Instead he started seeing a friend/neighbour that he'd known for years, and that I also knew, and now 3 months later they are engaged! My question is why didn't they get together before when they have had a million and one opportunities to do so? So I guess that's the end of the story isn't it. You can't get more full on closure than that. I haven't seen or spoken to him since I moved out and he didn't have the decency to tell me he was engaged, one of our mutual friends did. Now I feel totally destroyed, betrayed, lost and alone. I gave everything that I could of me so selflessly and he gave nothing back, yet he has given everything that I waited, worked for and deserved to her so easily. Its hard finding out that your ex is seeing someone else, its harder when its someone you know and off the scale when they get engaged. Our relationship has been made a total mockery of and it is such a harsh realisation. Now I suppose its easier to move on knowing that there is now no chance for us but what really hurts is that I still believe he was my one. The reason being that he is ill, if he wasn't our relationship would have been and still would be perfect, and I think he knows it too, underneath. I want him to be happy and I hold no malice toward him, I love him too much. I just hope what he is doing is for the right reasons and not to get back at me, even though it's worked if that is the case! I cant and don't want to make him change his mind, if he did its all too late now anyway. So there it is, my story with an ending…be it a little shakey. Im sure there will be more to add down the line but from here on in I have to concentrate on me and my healing and let him get on with him. I'm not sure I'm expecting responses although any words/opinions/insight will be gladly received as as strong as I am being I just want the world to stop and let me get off!

Self pity is not good at all! Come on work with me here I could say exactly the same but I know i'm worth more than that and so do you if you search deep inside. Why do you think your friends are so mad at you, you are abviously a better person than you think you are. Everything you are feeling is normal, you're hurt and feeling low but you have to concentrate on you. You are all that matters now so try to focus your anger and pain and hurt into you and making yourself live again. Believe me I know its hard and some days are harder than others but the only way to cope is to go with it. You cant erase these feelings, you have to feel them fully understand them and whilst doing that keep in mind that you are going to get better. You will be happy again and you'll look back and wonder what this was all about...we can live in hope anyway!

Its a sorry state we get ourselves into over these people that do nothing more for us than continually ruin our lives. I am getting the the point now where I am so angry with myself for letting him get to me that it is forcing me to get a grip and realise that i cant do anything about it except look after me. I found out last week that my ex is engaged and engaged to our neighbour after being with her for all of 3 months! The thought makes me sick esp considering my ex tried to set her up with his brother last year and has always been adamant that he has no interest in her. Lies, lies lies! Our relationship of 5 years was quite obviously a total joke and I am so humiliated by it all but at the same time determined to rise above it. What gets me is that shes been around all that time why havent they gotten together before now?! Desperation springs to mind! NC definitely works if you dont still have mutual friends or live in the same town or have family connections etc etc. Fortunately I have managed to avoid him totally sice I left but a mutual friend of ours told me about the engagement. I would have found out sooner or later so at least I feel like someone has some respect for me he certainly doesnt. Forgetting about someone you love isnt an option you have been to close to just to delete them from your mind. On the other hand they wont have forgotten about you either. You just have to try to be accepting of their behaviour, understand why you are no longer with that person and then look after you. Sounds easy? Its one of the hardests things you'll ever do but you'll be a better stronger person for it and be happier than you ever thougt possible. Stay strong and dont forget its all about you now.

It just happened to me too! Found out last week that not only is my ex seeing someone else but is engaged to her, best of all she was our neighbour. A mutual friend of ours had the decency and respect to tell me about it, he wouldnt have the guts. I believe that the reason he wont face me is because he doesnt want to confuse his feelings for this other woman. We only split in Dec and I moved out of our place end of Feb so its all a little bit sudden to say the least and it hurts like hell. I know he didnt cheat on me, not in the physical sense anyway. So this new relationship has gone from friends to lovers to engagement in the space of 3 months! I understand your agony and I believe in karma too...it keeps me sane! Not sure if I helped there but I suppose I just wanted you to know that I am feeling your pain too. Be strong and look after you.

I almost feel like he's done it to spite me, in fact alot of people have said that to me. Although I feel like I dont know him any more I know that underneath his facade I do and that is totally the sort of ridiculous thing he'd do! Suppose all this does give me some sort of closure but god help me it hurts like I never felt pain before. And I absolutely dont need someone whom is so weak willed and psychologically disturbed as he is. Just wished i'd realised all this a long time ago. It just makes me so sad that he has destroyed us in such a brutal way, it still hasnt sunk in!

Wow, you did it too!! My ex is just doing exactly that only he hasnt broken up with her yet. Please tell me what made you do such a thing? Also if you were so sure about the rebound to the point of an engagement then why did you split up? So I am the dumpee on the receiving end of the situation you are explaining and believe me i've never been so hurt and betrayed in all my life. If my ex came crawling back to me after what he's done I certainly wouldnt be welcoming him back with open arms thats for sure. In my eyes everything we ever had has been broken beyond repair and no matter what now it can never be mended. He has given everything I ever wanted to another woman and that is the ultimate revenge for whatever I did wrong in our relationship. Yes I still love him with all my heart and my heart would get back with him in a second but my head, my pride, my friends and family, my new found strength would never allow me to be so stupid. In my opinion I really dont think you know what you want and you really need to be on your own for a while and find yourself. I know that my ex is making the biggest mistake of his life and the reason he's doing it is because he hates himself and is a very unhappy person, a new relationship masks all of that. If you sort your head out and try to understand yourself then maybe your ex will come back to you, every situation is different. Even after everything i've said i always believe that love conquers all and if its meant to be then it will be. Dont push it, just take your time...if she loves you she'll be there for you.

Thank goodness I didn't contact him…I have you guys to thank for that. I just found out that he got engaged! The pain I feel now is excruciating and I am in shock and total disbelief that someone I trusted, loved and respected could do such a thing. Our relationship has been such a lie and I feel so stupid. Everything I worked for and created has been given to her so easily, everything that should be mine. And me I'm left with nothing and he doesn't care. How do you ever learn to trust again after such a harsh betrayal? Even worse is that I know the girl he is engaged to and he has known her for a very long time. Why didn't they get together before this? Can friends suddenly have such intense feelings for each other, or are they fooling themselves? Desperate? I don't know what the answer is or how to deal with this either so over to you wonderful people, what is this all about?

We were together 4.5 years and broke up in Dec last year. I moved out end of Feb and havent seen or heard from him since. We broke up because he has a tonne of issues that he needs to deal with...our relationship was good apart from his psychotic tendencies!!! I also gave alot to our relationship, I moved city to be with him changed jobs, friends and gave up financial security...now i'm suffering for all of that and he doesnt care...or it seems like that. I still love my ex deeply and i still want him back but in time that will fade I hope. It really is a shame that relationships that were so good have to end like this but it happens all to often and unfortunately we have to deal with it. I know what you mean about giving up but really you arent because if you think about it there is nothing to give up on. If he wants you then he has to decide that on his own if not then its his loss!! I feel for you and understand your dispare but there is nothing we can do about this sort of situation apart from try to be strong and just get on with making your own life as happy as it can be. In time we will get over them and find someone who deserves us.

It really is the hardest thing ever and i'm not sure I can really help you as I am going through the same at the moment...in fact I could have written your post myself. I have had NC for nearly 3 months now though so just a bit further down the line! I dont know about you but my mind changes its thoughts and views and decisions from one minute to the next and it becomes consuming and very annoying. The only way I can get through this at the moment, well today at least, is to post here and get as much help and advice as possible, it helps keep me strong. I really dont believe that they could really forget about us, not completely, in fact not at all. In my case I know that my ex is the most stubborn and proud person I know and he would never contact me first no matter how much he wanted to. Which is why I feel that I have to I suppose but I am fighting it and winning at the moment. Try to see their lack of interest as their loss and not yours...try to make yourself believe that they will never find anyone as good as you and rise above it. Its hard but it helps I think. Keep strong and keep posting...good luck!

Rainz - are you suggesting that maybe i write to him then? What did you write in your letter that made you feel so good? Did he respond? I dont really understand my reasons for wanting contact but I think its partly because I dont want to feel like i've given up, something like that anyway. I had a moment of clarity about ten minutes ago that said who cares about him anyway just forget him and move on. But now I have just reminded myself that I care and I cant move on cos I need to contact him because i still love him!! arrrggghhhhhh! I'm driving myself insane!!