otterloo

I think that your last text was fine as long as it was the truth. It is obvious that you care for him, and frankly I think you should be the one that is frustrate, not him. You are showing interest in his life and telling him how much you care, while he is completely ignoring you and your needs. You are feeling as though your relationship is vulnerable though, so I wouldn't push him. I do think it would be okay to contact him to see how things are going and to show that you care because 2 weeks can be a long time without any contact, so long as you can avoid bringing up any of your relationship issues. Those would be better discussed when he will be better able to concentrate on them ie. when he is less stressed and won't immediately get angry at you bringing up the issue.

Thank you very much for your perspective. It has clarified a lot of things for me. I realize that I haven't been the best boyfriend and that doing the small things can have a significant impact on our relationship and her morale. I do love her and want to put in the extra effort to make things work, especially since we will be living in the same city very shortly. I guess I do push away when we have major problems because I do not fight well when I am angry or discouraged. I tend to make things worse in such a situation I think. Also, it doesn't help that much of our communication is on msn. Fighting on msn is not recommended. This is something that we should really avoid and I need to work on. Moreover, I think that many of our problems are actually a result of my lack of communication. When she first moved away we should've set some guidelines for communication, etc. I have not voiced my opinion enough on the issues that are bothering me. Since you ask, I guess my expectations would be that she communicate more with me when she has a problem. I feel like I cannot get problems out of her when she is clearly upset. I think that I am a decent listener and if the problems involve us then we can attempt to resolve them. I also wish she was more independent. I think she would definitely be happier this way. I know that she misses going out with friends, but I feel that she waits around for me to come online to talk with her a lot. Again this could probably be solved by setting out times to communicate but I do wonder if she would remain on msn, etc anyway. I just want her to be happy and I don't think such a reliance on one person is healthy. I do think that I can make her happy though. I am not totally familiar with your situation but could it be that he is trying to change jobs so he can lessen his stress and focus more on your relationship? Perhaps just going through the recruiting process is something that he deems worth it so things can be better in the long-run. He shouldn't be completely neglecting you though. It is often difficult for myself (and most other guys) to openly communicate. Our egos get in the way I guess. In order to communicate we definitely need to establish a great deal of trust. I'm not saying you don't have that, I just thought it was worth mentioning. It sounds like a tough situation because he got aggitated from your discussion, but perhaps you can try to use this time to work on loving yourself and learning how to enjoy life that is independent of him because this in an important aspect of all relationships. Just try going out with your friends and have some fun to take your mind off it. Then I'm sure he would really appreciate a call when you are happier. Also, make certain that you show an interest in his endeavours and that you are supportive of him. If he is applying to jobs in your city, maybe he wants to be closer to you and get more serious. Make sure that he knows you miss him but that you understand that it is a tough time for him. If he knows that you understand then I'm sure he will be in a better position to understand that you are missing him. I'm sure that no matter how busy he is he can salvage the time to speak with you for at least 10 to 15 minutes a day. I'm guessing he is just worried that your current relationship problems will have an impact on his interviews, etc. but if you conversations are more enjoyable then he will gladly accept them. I don't know why, but a career is very important to men. I suppose that it is a measure of our success in life (sad, I know), but you must keep this in mind. I wish you all the best with your relationship and thanks for your insight

Update: Almost immediately after I posted that message she called me. She was a wreck and I feel terrible for making her feel that way, though I hope that I can see past that and make the correct decision. She wanted to know which way I was leaning towards. I could only tell her that I was still unsure. It ripped me apart to see how in love she is with me and yet I am hurting her so much. She actually brought up many of our issues on the phone which I didn't know that she had awknowledged, and she even offered a few solutions such as speaking with each other less (but better quality discussions) so school and other things can also be a priority. I'm beginning to think that she truly deserves a second chance, though I hope this is not out of guilt. The way I see it is that this break can help significantly in changing our relationship for the better. If things are still problematic in a few weeks then I can reassess the situtation. Hope that doesn't sound too stupid, it has got to be the emotions By the way, I forgot to mention in the first post that we speak daily, often multiple times and we usually see each other every other weekend.

First of all, thanks for taking the time to read my post. Currently I am in a long distance relationship of about 6 months. We began our relationship in the same city but the last 5+ months have been spent 2 hours apart from each other. I guess things have deteriorated over the past few weeks to the point that we were fighting a lot. I told her that I thought it was best to take a small break to think things over because it really wasn't working out. Initially our relationship was great. We never fought, which I really wasn't accustomed to since my past gf and I fought constantly. Speaking of my ex, I entered into this relationship after only about 2.5 months of being single (the relationship was long-term and we were living together). I'm now wondering if I rushed into this too quickly and the thrill of being with someone else overhelmed me with happiness and filled the void. Anyway... the break made me realize a lot of things but it is still unclear to me on what action to take. She has emailed me saying that she knows that she wants to continue the relationship and that it will only be 2 more months until we get to spend the summer together. We both recognize that we have problems but I do not know if they can be resolved or not. I am starting to be bothered by our age difference (She is 19, turning 20 in a few months and I am 23). Additionally, I am finding that she is getting progressively more pessimistic about life, etc and it wasn't always like that. I also feel that we have gotten into too much of a routine and that she isn't open enough with me when she is upset. I certainly am not without my faults. I have definitely been aggrevated by the distance and have got into such a routine that I do not put in the necessary effort to make her feel as special as she should. I am also not so great with communicating my problems with her and don't always trust her because of her flirty nature and the fact that I'm not around much. Lastly, one of the most important concerns I have is that the long-distance is very hard on her. This is magnified by the fact that she wants to be in constant communication and she doesn't understand my desire to work hard in university. She sees me as someone who works too hard and doesn't accept my desire to succeed. Next year I will be attempting to gain a professional designation in accounting and this will only require a greater time committment which could further jeapardize our relationships future. After this semester we will still have 2 years of long-distance because of her schooling. On the other hand, I do not exactly understand her ways either. I see a lot of potential in her academically, but instead of studying she will spend all day on msn and facebook. I feel somewhat that she spends too much time waiting around to talk to me that she is missing out on time with her friends. She has become quite anti-social and this is not how she seemed to be in her first year of university. She says that she is maturing but I know she is upset by her situation with her friends. I would definitely like to act quickly because it's unfair for her to be sitting around not knowing what is going on, but I fear making the wrong decision. I often feel that breaking up will be the best thing for both of us in the long-run but despite all of our problems it makes me sad to think about life without her. Wow, it was good getting all that off my chest. I would really appreciate any insight that anyone may have. Thanks.

I decided to bring it up with her yesterday and we had an emotional talk about it but I feel as though I understand much more now. She says that it was a mistake and I must accept that and try to forget about it. She is mine now and now I feel that I can get over this and focus on making us work. Thank you for the advice.

In my opinion I wouldn't send the e-mail. I sent a couple of e-mails pouring my heart out to my ex about 5 weeks ago and it didn't work at all. She ended up getting closer to another guy that she didn't even have feelings for. I ended up calming down and just started being there for her if she needed me and she eventually realized that she still wanted to be with me, but the letter pushed her further away. Try to look at it logically. Do not say anything that you will regret because you won't be able to take your words back and try to be mature about it and see it from the other side too. My ex needed to figure things out on her own and by me pressuring her I just made it worse. If he wants to be friends then you will be eventually and if not then you do not need him as a friend.

Thank you for your response, I appreciate it. I just have one more thing to ask: Is it okay to bring this up with her? I really need to understand but I don't want to upset her. I think that it will (she really broke down when she told me) but I just need to talk this through. I cannot just go on with these thoughts in my head because they will hold us back from being happier. People reading this may think that I am overreacting but this is a hard thing for me. Just when I thought that things were going to get better I get thrown another curve ball. I just want some stability in my life because there have been far too many ups and downs recently. P.S. I am 20 and I know that I am young but I still feel as though we are meant to be together. I've never met someone that I've got along with so well and I don't see myself ever meeting anyone else that I'm more compatible with. We were best friends as well as a couple and even lived together for 8 months.

As I've written on here before of how I screwed things up pretty bad with my girlfriend and it ended our 3+ year relationship. I went through tough times but really changed and grew as a person without her and finally after being so patient for so long we got back together on the weekend after almost 5 months apart. A problem with our previous relationship was communication so we are not keeping any secrets from eachother now. So she told me that in her 2 week relationship when we were apart that she slept with the guy. I am very happy to be back together with her but this really is bothering me. We were our firsts and thought that we would always be our onlys. Also it was always about love for us and this was definitely not as she didn't really have any feelings for him. She says that it didn't mean anything and that she really regrets it but I can't help but feel so poorly especially when she still loved me at the time and still went through with it. I am hating myself again for my mistakes of the past because now they have not only taken away 5 months of our lives together but also she has now been with someone else. He is also 5 years older than us meaning that he is likely more experienced than I and may have been better than me. I can't stand the thought of her enjoying being with someone else more. I really want to get over this because I think that we have a great chance at a perfect future together but it's just such a shock to me but I see this guy all the time (it's unaviodable for the next 2 weeks) and so far whenever I see him I picture them together. Please help me out. Thank you.

To update I am still getting mixed signals from her. One day she doesn't seem like talking at all and the next we get together and have a really good time. One thing though is that she said that she would like to start going out on dates with me but we wouldn't be together again. It would be a sort of intermediate stage to see if I have changed and can still make her happy. This excites me but at the same time I am worried. We were together for over 3 years and lived together for 8 months so we know eachother better than we know anyone else but I almost feel nervous about the entire thing. I only have one more chance and I really want to make this work. Can anyone suggest date ideas? I don't know if I should plan something romantic or just fun. If you guys were trying to build trust then what do you think that you would do?

also check out the plyometric exercises for the lower body at link removed they will definitely help with building explosivenss and power in the legs. the standard olympic lifts will also help with this.

try going to the forums on link removed. its a boxing site but there are all types of athletes there and they really know their stuff and will answer all of your questions. i go there daily for training advice and everyone is very helpful.

Thank you both. I will try to hold off, even when we go away together in 2 weeks. It is for the better I suppose even though it's so hard. If she feels the same way as I do then we will get back together so I just have to wait. I keep getting mixed feelings though because last time we went out she said that it was weird not having long-term plans with me (ie. marriage) and she also said that she already had my Christmas gift picked out. That's a long ways away so I have reason to be optimistic but then I feel like she wants to slow things down more. I don't know what to think anymore.

I am doing relatively well with being patient but I am still on an emotional rollercoaster after all of this time, when alone. My mind is on overload thinking of every possible combination of what she is thinking, etc. I was just wondering if it would be okay for me to ask her how her feelings are progressing or should I only speak about it when she brings it up? We have been having some fun together but I feel like she is slipping through my fingertips, as she seems to want to get together less and less frequently. I don't want to lose her but I don't want to have false hopes either. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hello, I am sorry to add to the ever increasing number of questions that you have to answer but here goes. I am in love with my ex and she still loves me. I want to get back together but she doesn't yet because she says that she needs to trust me first. We are continuing to be friends and things are great and we have a lot of fun together but I can't help but want it all. It's so hard to be apart when things could work out so well. We made mistakes (mostly I did) but we see them now and can definitely work things out. I don't want to jeopardize losing her completely but I want her back. I have tried to take it slow but it is proving to be the more difficult than I thought. Can you think of anyway in which I can help control my emotions or give any hints on how I can prove my trustworthiness? Thank you for your time.

such a simple concept but it makes so much sense. thank you for your advice, i will definitely give it a try. it will be hard to hold back but if we ever get back together then all of the waiting will be worthwhile.

i have posted on here before but my situation continues to evolve and i am still as confused as ever. my ex, whom i broke up with but want back (long story), says that she still loves me but hasn't forgiven me for mistakes of the past, so she is not ready to get back together. thing is that we still spend a fair bit of time together as friends and all the while i want nothing more than to be with her. its so hard for me especially because we are getting along as well as ever, yet i cannot do anything to get her back. my emotions keep getting the better of me as well. i continue to try to win her over with words even though i know that i can't and it only causes some awkwardness between us, mostly short lived though. we even have a weekend away planned together as friends. she really wants to take things slowly and see if her feelings for me increase and to see if she can forgive me, but its so hard to just sit back and do nothing. i have really changed but nothing i say can convince her. should i tell her that i need space to get my feelings in check or should i just be her friend and surpress all of my feelings or should i continue to drop hints and risk more heartache? i feel as though i am so close to getting her back, yet so far at the same time. if we don't see eachother she may take this as i don't want to see her at all and i will also be missing out on fun times as a friend with her. but this could be better in the longrun. i am thinking of asking her opinion on what she thinks is best. i would really appreciate any advice i can get.

i wasn't cheating on her but i'd rather not talk about what i did or didn't do. i have changed but you are right i must just be myself because she did fall in love with who i am and give it time. thank you for your advice. i am not looking for a quick fix but i hope that in time we can build a trust that is stonger than ever.

to make a long story short, about 4 months back my girlfriend (of 3+ years) and i broke up over trust issues. i take full responsibility for our breakup as i was the untrustworthy one. i kept secrets but have come clean and in these past 4 months i think that i have really changed and i really want to be with her again. she says that she loves me still but doesn't know if she will ever trust me again. she wants to be friends and see where it goes from there. i think that we can really be happy together and that i can provide the honesty that she seeks and deserves, but i do not know how to prove it. any ideas? i am going to be there for her as much as possible and try to be a fun guy to be around but i really don't know much else that i can do. i am ready to put my all into being more romantic, trustworthy and loving, but how can i do all of this as a friend. it is hard to be patient when i love her so much.

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reading up on here i know that life goes on and after i heal i very well may find happiness with someone else. i have read that you must be happy alone be get back into a relationship so i will focus on this and not torture myself any longer.

thank you for the advice. i think that i will give her the letter because i will get too emotional if we speak. sorry but i would just like to add one more thing that is on my mind as well. she told me that she didn't want me to know that she was seeing someone. to me this means that either she wanted to spare my feelings or that she is almost embarrased to be with someone else because she still feels for me. i know i didn't word that properly but i don't know how exactly to explain it. maybe i am just being stupid though. overall i am just really confused. we were eachothers first loves which leaves me with no experience in this situation.

so should i send the letter and be done with it or just not even do that? It's so hard to just sit back while she is with this other guy that is not her type at all and seems like everything she used to hate in men. I also asked her to meet with me after I explained all of my feelings but she said no but eventually said that she would think about it. I told her that I needed to hear it from her mouth and see it in her eyes that she didn't care for me any more and she told me that if we met that basically it would be her trying to convince me to move on. This may seem simple to people reading this but she is acting very out of character and I would have thought that she would at least hear me out and consider everything as what we had was so special. Just another side note: she said that she would never trust me again, but now I am very deserving of it. I haven't lied in the slightest to her in the last 4 months and totally came clean with everything even though it would hurt. I can prove to her that I am exactly what she wants but she won't listen. Also she always had low self-esteem throughout our relationship and didn't fully trust me even when I deserved it (before my mishaps). I think that now she has higher confidence because she has been going out with friends and is having a good time with them (we sort of hid ourselves away from others and focused too much on spending all of our time together, which would be different if we reunited), so she associates me with her low confidence when that is not exactly the case. She went through a lot when we were together and I think that I helped her cope with the stress and not so much produce it and cause her low confidence. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 3+ years (1 of which we lived together) because I wasn't deserving of her love. I was making mistakes (not cheating!) and had really low confidence because of it. I tried to stop because they were undermining our love but I couldn't so I broke up with her (it was like an addiction) and she took it really really badly. A couple of weeks after I told her what I was experiencing after she had calmed down more because I thought that it was right for her to know. Again she was really upset but eventually she wanted to get back together again. We did after I gave up a lot to be with her but it was very short lived because trust issue arose. I ended up giving her time apart because she said that she was unsure what she wanted and now I wish that I had fought for her. Now it is about 4 months after the initial breakup and about 3-4 weeks after our second try, if you would even call it that, and I feel stronger about her than ever and I have totally changed as I have seen what is really important and am far more self-confident. I told her all of this recently and that I would do anything for a second chance and she turned me down. I persisted and she finally told me that she has begun to see another guy. I couldn't believe that only 3 weeks ago she begged for me back and said she loved me so much and now she is with someone else. Is she afraid of being alone? I believe that I definitely pushed too strong and totally poured out my heart to her too much. I think that she still has feelings for me and that her relationship isn't too serious. I really want and need her back but she wants to be friends (real friends, we have hung out since our breakup) and has said that she only loves me as a friend now. She is everything that I want in a lifemate. Please give me advice. I am thinking of telling her that I need time apart but I cannot live with myself if I do something else to ruin my chances. I have written a letter, but haven't sent it yet. It basically recaps my feeling but not to the point where it is overdone again and that I am reformed and trustworthy. It also goes on to say that I have to accept her choice and I wish her luck and tell her that I will miss her but I need time apart. I'm hoping that this will show my maturity in the situation but it may separate us for good. Also I work with both her and her new boyfriend, although not too often, so it has been even more awkward. Any thoughts?

nevermind

my situation is very similar. I broke up with my girlfriend of 3+ years (1 of which we lived together) because I wasn't deserving of her love. I was making mistakes and I tried to stop because they were undermining our love but I couldn't so I broke up with her. I told her a couple of weeks after what I was experiencing and she was really upset but eventually she wanted to get back together again. We did but it was very short lived because trust issue arose. I gave her time and now I wish that I had fought for her. Now it is 4 months later and I feel stonger about her than ever and I have totally changed as I have seen what is really important. I told her all of this recently and that I would do anything for a second chance and she turned me down. I persisted and she finally told me that she has begun to see another guy. I think that I definitely pushed too strong and totally poured out my heart to her. I think that she still has feelings for me and that her relationship isn't too serious. I really want and need her back but she wants to be friends (real friends, we have hung out since our breakup). She is everything that I want in a lifemate. Please give me advice. I am thinking of telling her that I need time apart but I cannot live with myself if I do something else to ruin my chances.