Ated

Read this. I know its long, but it DOES help. Its from someone in this forum, i just can't remember who... But it was relaly well-put. Well here it is! This is just a note to those who are really hurting from a recent break up. I know what you are going through. Self questioning, hurt, anger at being messed around, sadness, a roller coaster of different emotions, can't stop thinking, analysing, blaming yourself, wanting to be strong but wanting to call them, considering an "open relationship" or ANYTHING that means you can have some semblance of them in your life, crying etc. I know because 7 months ago I thought I WAS GOING TO DIE. I was holding my heart on the floor shouting 'please someone make the pain go away' -- wondering if there would ever be an end to it all. Hoping, preying to god. But thinking 'this is it' I'll never get through this. Well - amazingly, astonishingly, YOU WILL. You ride the train for as long as it takes BUT YOU DO GET THERE. Eventually feelings settle, you grow, you learn more about yourself, you figure where you went wrong, you appreciate new things in life that are beautiful and magical, you find new talents in yourself that you never know you had. All I can offer advice wise for you all: 1. NO CONTACT - Not for the sake of clinging on to getting back together though. That is frequently posted on this site as the reason which is wrong (because that is just a mindgame with probably more pain waiting down the line). No contact is a means of dealing with the hurt, finding yourself, clearing the emotions and getting on with your life. And no contact is that. No contact. No exceptions. This is where most people fall down. You're in shock and pain - don't make it worse by having people who undermine your feelings waltzing in and out of your life in regular intervals. 2. CRY - Keep crying. Cry as much you want. Cry now. Get it out. Make yourself cry if you have to. Keep crying. Cry until you have nothing left in you. You'll keep crying for months if necessary. That's OK. Your heart is unloading its burden and healing. Crying is good. Listen to all the music you used to share and cry, cry, cry, cry (boys too - this is the one time where you are allowed to and even your best friend in the football team will understand. Don't be repressed about it. CRY!) 3. TALK - Talk about it as much as you want but try not to OVER-ANALYSE everything. (Something's just don't make sense at all) Talk as much as you feel you need to. But if you can sense your chums getting slightly fed up ("that's the 156th time we're hearing about this....") then just write those feelings down. THEN agree a point with yourself where your not going to talk or write or think about it anymore (can be around a month or two after the break up) and DON'T. The chances are you still will - but that's OK - at least you're taking steps towards not talking about it. You can even try putting a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it each time you find yourself thinking about it. Or talking about it. It helped me (sort of) partly cause it consciously makes you aware that you are thinking about it and that's a good thing. 4. BE CREATIVE - Yes, there are times when you'll be lying on the floor in total pain, but other times where your emotions will give you some leeway. So use that time to be creative - draw, paint, write poetry, splash paints all over the place. I'm not asking for Wordsworth or Van Gough. Just try expressive stuff through any kind of art. Also, try and focus that energy into something else other than the actual relationship (e.g. rather than a flow chart diagram of the breakup try and paint something on the larger theme of loss - this way you are being creative while also moving on). The best thing about being creative is that you have something cool to show for the breakup (I watched the film I shot during the time called Letting Go. It made absolutely no sense to anyone else, but moved me in terms of its beauty and poignancy of a particular time in my life) 5. MEDITATE - Slow yourself down. Sit down. Shut your eyes. Learn to slow down your thoughts - there are lots of good books and sites on meditation. It makes you feel like a deeper person and replenishes your self awareness at a time in which it has been robbed from you. 6. EXERCISE - Get fresh air. Give yourself the best chance of recovery. Don't push it. But try and keep yourself together as much as possible even if you're just walking the dog, going for a walk. 7. WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER WANTED TO DO IN YOUR LIFE - It will make you see that there are other things than just the boy or girl you've lost. Think broadly. My list extended over 75 things over the course of 5 months healing time. And I'm on number 28. Number 29 is Skydiving and I'm slightly scared about that one now! I did some god damn amazing things - flew to the Caribbean and sat on a beach, learnt to shoot films, ice skate, ski EVERYTHING. 8. GET IN TOUCH WITH OLD FRIENDS - Yes remember there was that kid at class in 3rd grade you used to get on with so well? What the hell happened to him? Now is the time to find out - research, contact and get in touch with him. It takes your mind off the pain. Think of other things that make you happy and how you can achieve them (getting in touch with old friends was good for me) 9. PRAY - Yes. Faith. God. He will get you through because HE loves you (even if that little ratbag who messed up your life doesn't). Find a bible, the Baghvad Gita, a Tora, sit in a quiet church, just lie in bed and have your own conversation with god. It doesn't matter. God is there. God loves you. 10. GET ON THIS SITE - We dream to heal your wounds, but we bleed ourselves. We love you. People here want to help each other and KNOW what you are going through (unlike that little rascal who's just messed up your entire world!) 11. GET HELP IF YOU FEEL YOU CAN'T COPE - There's nothing wrong with that. You are experiencing depth of emotion. You are alive, and thereforeeee a fit, fighting human being. There is nothing wrong with seeing someone and getting help with it if you feel you are struggling too much. 12. PUT HEADPHONES ON AND BLAST MUSIC - It fills your mind and touches your soul. Just don't put on soppy love tunes cause they suck. Instead find some amazing music that is uplifting and touching. ABOVE ALL REMEMBER, you WILL get through this. I promise you will. Just have faith and strength and courage in yourself and you will pull through. Life is magical - sometimes we need some challenges in our life to really make us see that. Guaranteed when you do come through this, you will be more compassionate, in-tune with yourself, the world and people than the stupid person who decided that they didn't need you anymore. Good luck with it!

bostonchiiiiica- HEY its ATED!!!! Keep on hanging, trust me... im in the same similar situation!! We can do this together!!! We are going through a hard time and trust me, it feels like we're alone but we're not. I KNOW it is hard. It seems like you're the only person who knows heartbreak. But they do understand and they do know that 'this too shall pass!" I mean, if they didn't go through it, your the only unhappy person and there woulndt be any 'break-up' songs or whatver. Listen, count your blessings!! Seriously... not to be a bitch, but you should be grateful. This IS a problem. But there are bigger problems!! Be thankful ur not sick... you are surviving. I mean, ppl around the world have BIGGER problems you know?? That's how i see it... But i dunno. People have different ways of getting over someone. I wanna help u badly, just keep posting and if i can give u an 'advice' ill try my best! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK BOSTON!!! Show him ur strong! Ur giving him power... Take it all back and run with it! Just make sure this makes u a stronger person. Look, whats he done for u?? I know i INVESTED A LOT- (A LOT) on my ex too. But im hurting and he's not. What do i do?? Hes out partying? Im underaged. Even if i wasnt i can't make him feel the same way as its his choice!! so, by CHOICE, be a strong and independent women. There so much things in the world to focus ur energy on. Its good that you know what triggers your memories... but time to let go. PEOPLE CHANGE, nothing last forever... Hurts but what can we do?? If we all had the power to make things the way we like. But WE DO have the power to make thing better! To pick ourselves up. So we should use it! BOSTON I feel you girl... but only u can save urself!

WOawH! Sticky situation. ](*,) I really think that this guy is sweet. But i somehow feel like the reason he's staying with the other chick is cos he wants to take her virginity?? I dunno but i think its an ego boost for guys... and the fact that she's sooo religious and she's seducing him, its sooo hard for him to resist (even tho he's doing a great job resisting!!) I think he is confused about the other girl. NOT how he feels about you. I mean, you were together once, so if he says he has feelings for yo, i'd believe him. This is a really hard one. I think its best for other people to answer as i'm inexperienced. I do agree taht a male perspective can help!

wow!!! hehe im copying this and sending it around in an e-mail? is that ok?? it really is helpful! Long but REALLY worth reading !!

Haha!!! That last post was very very comforting! Now im really over it. 99.9%!!! \ This one made my day! ahahah Thanks true heart! Ur right! I'll tell him "sorry man, u can't have a piece of this anymore!" hahah Man, not to be mean but... it would really make me feel SO good if i slap him after i said that! Ok come now... can't be too violent! maybe just a kick in the groin area. Wow. i really do feel better! So what are you upto now? You single? or what?? You seem so content and problem free?? I wish i can be like that!

Thanks for that. My visons everyday are getting clearer and clearer. Yeah, he's one of my 'serious' relationships. It beats me cos i was soooo strong before u know? Like evryone admired me for my 'braveness' like... i'd go up to a guy and just say hi even if i didnt know him. But now, i totally changed to. Like i use to be popular among my peers, then after going out wtih him, i turned into this shy type girl. Like, i dont even think if a guy came up to me, ill be able to say anything! I do find comfort in this forum. But i cant help but feel like im whining and you guys are only hearing one-side of the story. But i mean, our mutual friends were on my side. even they said that he wasnt worth it. Guys thanks sooo much for helping me. Im only a meter away from getting over it finally!! Only a couple of days??? HOPEFULLY. But one last question, what do i do if he realises that he was wrong and apologise. I know i still 'love' him. but as a good friend way. Should we be still friends? Cos i recall one of his new friends saying to me that... "its not the best idea, cos if he's treating u like this when ur dating, i dont think he'll give u anymore respect when ur friends!" Good point. But i dunno if i should really take her advice?? lol

Wow... you sound really experienced. I noticed u answered both my posts... THANKS SO MUCH FOR THAT!!! (F) *sigh* true, he isnt the same person. I just wish i never gave him the upperhand. And oy ur right. It sucks i had to learn the lesson the hard way. but i guess im glad i did so i dont do it agian. But i still think maybe i DID deserve it? but... i cant let his words beat me i spose. Hes taken enough already, i cant let him take everything. But he just really REALLY damaged my self-esteem u know? like fully!! i mean, im already a negative type of gril u know? shy, modest, always see things negatively. if a person gives me a compliment, im like... oh ur just saying that, even tho they mean it. and i hate myself for letting him do this to me. i'm healing and all but i just wish he would (soon) see that he was wrong and not do it to another girl. It hurts sooo bad. As for his friends, i dont htink they talk about me at all. Which is better i guess. One of his friends told me that he just keeps quiet. and he told me too that his friends think im a 'psycho' cos of the 'harassing and calling' ERHHHH whatever!! but sumtimes i feel like im letting them beat me up. the worse thing about it is im too upholding of values and my morals! i just cant help but prove to them that im not a 'psycho' and im really a sweet girl! True heart, i dunno how to say it but i really really appriciate ur posts, if u have any more advice... believe me, i TAKE IT IN with me!!! in fact, that quote of urs is already buried in me!

I would say let him call back. Because if he hasn't called you back... maybe he's having second thoughts. Also, if YOU call, he might think that YOU want him back (even if its true), but you might get hurt cos he might not be ahppy to hear from u. It's up to u. But since he called u first, he'll call back again. I think ur doing good the fact that u haven't called him. Ur still healing, don't let him take control over u again! If u don't call, he'll see u as strong and able to move on without him!

Man, this is really though, how long has she been pregnant and does the parents know?? To be frank, i think the 41 year old was just playing with her feelings.

I don't wanna sound pathetic and stuff. I just don't understand why he would choose this ppl over me. I mean... ive been there for him and we have a good relationship. Its just when these guys came along, it totally changed him. He's very abusive, conceited and just not HIM u knwo? he acts like a try hard...

Hi My ex and i dated for about 14 months, but ive known him for at least 2 years. When i first met him, i thought he was fabulous but never thought i'd date him. Anyways, we became real good friends and eventually started dating. Im his second gf. ONE PROBLEM tho is our cultural differences. Im filo and his sri lankan. I suppose age gap is a prolem too. Hes 22 and im 17. He manipulated me into thinking that he loved me and he wanted to marry me and everyhting. At first i was freaked out i mean i was 16!!! and then after a while i was like yeah, this will work. and i loved him so much. He told me he loves me because im so 'caring'. But after about 8 months, he made new friends at uni who are all into smoking weed, drinking and clubbing. the deal! and i told him to not hang around them so much. Ultimately it became a major problem and he told me im being too possesive and that he doesnt fel comfortable with the realtionship. I'm so confused. I duno what to do. I ran to him the other day and he just totally ignored me. and i was ok with that. But one day he called me saying that i messaged him but i didnt. and he told all his friends that im harassing him and want him back. he is so conceited and i dunno y he is acting this way! Pls help. I dunno what im doing wrong. His new 'friends' scolded me saying "He is not UR man anymore, dont tell him not to smoke or party! He doenst need a MOTHER out of u!" AM i wrong>>??