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Thread: Complicated feelings.. birth and a death..

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Butterfly~Wrists's Avatar
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    Complicated feelings.. birth and a death..

    Ok, a couple of people are aware of what's going on.. but I'll start out from a beginning.

    My grandma has been extremely unwell for a long time, in August last year she lost a sister, and then December she lost her other sister. My grandma would have gone quite peacefully then, had she not been determined to meet my baby, who was due this month.
    Over the last month of her life a my grandma suffered multiple strokes, age required a lot of care. Lock down struck just as she had her last big stroke, and the hospital allowed her home with my mum as they were going to be stopping all visitors and grandma really wanted to be at home and to go naturally.

    Due to the lock down, it was left to my mum to do all the care, my mum had done the vast majority of her care since late last year..
    Anyway, 12 days ago , my grandma was insisting at 6 a.m. to my mum, that my daughter had been born, my grandma insisted that I was having a daughter all along, we didn't find out until birth.
    That day, I went to hospital for reduced movements, and did indeed end up having a daughter that very day, 12 hours after my grandma had insisted she was here.

    Am hour or so after she was born, my grandma pressed away. Before I had the chance to tell her I had a daughter. She passed away in my mum's arms.

    Now I'm unable to process everything atm, I have my daughter to focus on and I'm breast feeding, which is obviously a highly emotional connection, and I can't be upset when looking after her.

    However, I'm getting calls from my family asking for help with my mum. She's not sleeping, she's literally locking my brother out and pushing her siblings away.
    20 years ago my mum had a mental break down, and everyone's concerned the same thing is going to happen now. I can't cope with this information for the paragraph above reasons. But they think I'm the one with answers.

    I believe my mum just needs time, space and rest. But she doesn't need to be alone.. this is a really difficult time for all of us, and I understand my aunt send uncle ned to process the passing of their mother also.

    I'm lost and don't know what to do. I can't exactly drive down to my mum currently and she can't come here either.

    What do I do, how can I support my mum, brother, aunt, while also looking after myself and my daughter?

    Sorry this thread is a little jumbled, there's a lot on my mind..

  2. #2
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    You donít have to support your brother and aunt.
    But you can support your mum.
    Your mum can come and stay with you for a couple of months. But for the first two weeks keep distance from the baby.
    This is allowed if she lives reasonably near you?

    Itís expected that elders will pass but itís not expected that it will happen during a time of isolation.
    There are exceptions to every rule. Find the exception and bring your mum to stay.

    Sorry for your loss.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Butterfly~Wrists's Avatar
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    She unfortunately lives over 2 hours away and no real space to have her stay for a prolonged period as much as we'd be happy to have her here :(

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    Platinum Member Butterfly~Wrists's Avatar
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    Great, my brother is threatening to have my mum sectioned. They're setting each other off and fighting. :'(

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Butterfly~Wrists
    Great, my brother is threatening to have my mum sectioned. They're setting each other off and fighting. :'(
    I think your brother has been a bad seed in your life forever, yes? I would refuse to speak to him if he is going to continually cause problems.

    I would support your mom in talking to her . Your momís siblings ? Right now can fend for themselves. Many people in grief push people away. It is normal. Your ultimate responsibility now though is your baby. She must come before anyone.

    I am so very sorry for your loss.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your loss, and congrats on your baby.

    I'd tell family to handle themselves like adults and stop trying to upset you while you're breastfeeding a newborn. In a pandemic.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Butterfly~Wrists's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I think your brother has been a bad seed in your life forever, yes? I would refuse to speak to him if he is going to continually cause problems.

    I would support your mom in talking to her . Your momís siblings ? Right now can fend for themselves. Many people in grief push people away. It is normal. Your ultimate responsibility now though is your baby. She must come before anyone.

    I am so very sorry for your loss.
    We are slowly healing our relationship. But he and mum clash and he's not handling things well. Luckily the doctors told him the same as I did..
    He also needs to speak to mental health team for himself.

    Mum isn't answering the phone anymore. But I'm sure she's just not wanting me to worry. She's not slept properly in months, and hasn't slept really in the last 12 days. So I think she's reliving it all, everytime she closes her eyes etc. But she just needs time and space, that's all, and sleep.

    Catfeeder, I thick they're looking to me Because I've got a psychology degree and have experience working with mental health and some experience in end of life. Problem is, my brother makes things worse, and exaggerates things, so everyone thinks things are much worse than they are. I'm trying to get him to go stay at our step dad's and step dad stay with mum. If mum wants to scream and shout at him he'll let her, my brother gets worked up and retaliates.. ugh it's so difficult.

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I think you should tell them just because you have a mental health degree doesnít mean that you should be treating family members. And you have a lot to contend with yourself with a brand new baby.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Butterfly~Wrists's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I think you should tell them just because you have a mental health degree doesnít mean that you should be treating family members. And you have a lot to contend with yourself with a brand new baby.
    I've told my aunt that the doctor my brother spoke to agreed with me.
    Yesterday everyone was looking to my aunt for answers and to fix things. But it isn't something anyone can fix. It's a process anyone grieving has to go through, or isn't always healthy, but less than 2 weeks is not enough time to say you're ill. I think my aunt is coming round a bit more now. We're just working on getting my brother to stay elsewhere.

    I just hope he listens.

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Butterfly~Wrists
    I've told my aunt that the doctor my brother spoke to agreed with me.
    Yesterday everyone was looking to my aunt for answers and to fix things. But it isn't something anyone can fix. It's a process anyone grieving has to go through, or isn't always healthy, but less than 2 weeks is not enough time to say you're ill. I think my aunt is coming round a bit more now. We're just working on getting my brother to stay elsewhere.

    I just hope he listens.
    I hope so.

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