Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 40

Thread: Perspective

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    16

    Perspective

    Hey everyone.

    Iím seeking some perspective and constructive criticism concerning my current 9.5 month relationship.

    Throughout our time together my girlfriend has been both hot and cold. She says this is attributed to the fact that she has chronic depression. Often speaks about emptiness which is a part of her and always has been.
    I met her at a time where she wasnít emotionally available, and still isnít fully. She told me right from the start and communicates regularly. It has improved over the duration of us incrementally. But it is difficult.

    She is quite sweet and is mostly receptive to me, always giving to what we have in the capacity she is able to. She very often pays for dates, grocery store food, and is always willing to split bills.
    She is a great partner for the most part. Smart, admirable character, attractive. She truly gets me riled up like Iíve never been. I love her.

    She doesnít love me though. She said she experienced love once and it was enough for her and doesnít know if itís for her (vulnerability issues to me). It took too much of a toll. Her words are that of distance and uncertainty, always contributing doubt in my mind. Her words offer very little emotional stability and support. But she always tells me how amazing and beautiful I am. Says she would never be able to find better than me. Many times has said if we ever did break up, she wouldnít even pursue another relationship. So her words are that of her own inner Ďbrokennessí as she says.

    Her actions are always mostly great ó date suggestions, plans, our 3 week trip to Europe, sex in abundance, has never bailed on a date and is excited when we have plans or see each other. Usually more reserved with affection than I am though. I pursue her more than her pursuing me.

    She has talked about a future together. Has said she trusts me more than sheís ever trusted any other romantic partner before. Has said Iím the best boyfriend sheís ever had. Spoken about living together. Future travelling, etc.

    This leaves me with questions in my head; never ending, it feels. How the words are all over the place and the actions are good. It pulls back and forth. Itís making me needy in some ways, always looking for the detrimental conversation and waiting for it, because I canít mentally be at peace in a way. So my reticular activating system is always on alert for the slightest Ďhiccupí, rather than just being.

    She has a busy life. Her articling student work at the law firm, her friends, family, studying for the BAR and our time together, she always notes that thereís no time for rest.

    She overthinks everything. Sheís very critical. She is afraid of vulnerability and to get close. Her attachment style is avoidant/anxious. More-so the former. When we become very close on the weekend, it soon disappears as the week progresses, until the next weekend again. She says work stresses her out and itís hard to be emotionally here and sexually connected to herself; so in turn me too. It can be lonely and difficult.
    But on the weekends when sheís has time to relax, itís amazing.

    Right now Iím struggling with my acting career. Hard to get any momentum, and it isnít due to lack of effort. I donít have any real close friends, they moved away a while ago and things have drifted, sadly. Or when I make a friend they just donít align with what I value.
    So socially Iím lonely, except for when my girlfriend and I spend time together. Which I would value immensely even with friends.
    I have a job which pays me decently. And I take acting classes to keep up a hobby. I workout 3 times a week and sprint twice. I read everyday and eat very healthily. I know I have value but things are definitely not firing on any cylinders for me. Iím a very grateful person and give value where itís due.
    Iím fine with myself and spending time alone. Iím not always texting her and such. Itís healthy in this way.

    I know my girlfriend needs space and her own time to feel love for me as she internally repairs herself (if she ever does).
    I know I need to develop my career and social circle with time.
    I donít want to manipulate attraction and act distant to create anxiety with her. I want it healthy.

    Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Happy to answer any questions so we can find a clear resolve for the time being and setting a good trajectory.

    Thank you!
    Last edited by Blackpebble; 10-03-2019 at 03:08 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,638
    "She doesnít love me though."

    "She overthinks everything. Sheís very critical. She is afraid of vulnerability and to get close. Her attachment style is avoidant/anxious. More-so the former. When we become very close on the weekend, it soon disappears as the week progresses, until the next weekend again. She says work stresses her out and itís hard to be emotionally here and sexually connected to herself; so in turn me too. It can be lonely and difficult.
    But on the weekends when sheís has time to relax, itís amazing."
    Are two days out of the week enough?

    This is who she is. None of it will change. I don't get why you have continued with her. You need to end this.

    Perhaps, you should look into your co dependence issues, too.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,567
    Gender
    Male
    Well, you've written a lot of words to avoid saying the simple thing: You have a girlfriend who does not like you in the way you want to be liked. She is offering something else, however, which I'd describe as a lovely mirror into some parts of yourself that you don't quite like either.

    You can "work on" that, under the guise of working on her, on the fraught and too-thin-for-you think that is you two. And that can go on and on, at least until one of you pulls the cord.

    And the longer you wait for that? The higher the odds that the pulling of the cord will be pretty awfulólike, for instance, when the emotionally elliptical mystery woman tells you she's met someone else, or when she ends things with you to "work on myself," and you learn she is with someone else 48 hours later. Not fun to contemplate, I know, but things that happen every day.

    You know why they happen? They happen when two people are in a relationship that is not satisfying them fully. You are both in such a relationship, and no amount of tenderness or analysis or patience will change that.

    In your shoes I would gracefully bow out of this, give yourself a minute to explore why something so unsatisfying holds a kind of pull over you. Find what that something is inside of you and carve it out, so you can connect to someone as you want to, feel seen as you want to be seen, and experience love for what it is: a very simple thing, not a gem we mine by breaking our spirit.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,835
    Gender
    Female
    She needs to get her depression under control and you really should get a handle on your career. If it's not working for you, it's just not working. There is no shame in that but you'll have to find something more reliable or look into re-evaluating your entire idea about acting as a profession.

    Her comments would put anyone off and stress is not an excuse. Both of you are a ticking time bomb together. Don't nitpick the relationship if you're not happy with it. Work on yourself and don't settle for shoddy behaviour in relationships.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Age
    29
    Posts
    1,916
    Gender
    Female
    Was she cheated on?

    I was emotionally unavailable for ages after I was. The behaviour of being hot and cold comes with it too. :l

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,736
    Gender
    Male
    Give it a year and reevaluate at that time. If she hasn't seen a doctor or therapist by then to address her mood disorder, consider ending things. Don't try to fix her if she keeps telling you how 'broken' she is. She needs to want to fix herself. She may be great dating material, fun, thrills, novelty, etc but someone like this may be too rough around the edges (until she addresses things) to stay with long term.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    16
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Are two days out of the week enough?

    This is who she is. None of it will change. I don't get why you have continued with her. You need to end this.

    Perhaps, you should look into your co dependence issues, too.
    We usually also see each other once during the week. Maybe twice. It all depends on schedules. It's nice to see one another during the week so things stay connected. Although she does get in work mode and it's difficult for her to switch gears and soften.

    I have continued because we have great times with each other and there are many shared interests and values. There have been some difficulties throughout; like most relationships. I think this is who she is right now. I'm not sure if any of her paradigms or behaviors will shift substantially any time soon, but there are many aspects of our lives which are enriched by the other. I'm on the fence about ending it.

    I have started to look in to co-dependence as per your suggestion and I do believe I have some traits which could be sopping my power, unbeknownst to me. And this would have been a common thread throughout past relationships as well.


    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Well, you've written a lot of words to avoid saying the simple thing: You have a girlfriend who does not like you in the way you want to be liked. She is offering something else, however, which I'd describe as a lovely mirror into some parts of yourself that you don't quite like either.

    You can "work on" that, under the guise of working on her, on the fraught and too-thin-for-you think that is you two. And that can go on and on, at least until one of you pulls the cord.

    And the longer you wait for that? The higher the odds that the pulling of the cord will be pretty awfulólike, for instance, when the emotionally elliptical mystery woman tells you she's met someone else, or when she ends things with you to "work on myself," and you learn she is with someone else 48 hours later. Not fun to contemplate, I know, but things that happen every day.

    You know why they happen? They happen when two people are in a relationship that is not satisfying them fully. You are both in such a relationship, and no amount of tenderness or analysis or patience will change that.

    In your shoes I would gracefully bow out of this, give yourself a minute to explore why something so unsatisfying holds a kind of pull over you. Find what that something is inside of you and carve it out, so you can connect to someone as you want to, feel seen as you want to be seen, and experience love for what it is: a very simple thing, not a gem we mine by breaking our spirit.
    You have many valid points and I have often reflected on such things. I can't say why things which are unsatisfying to me have a pull over me. It has to do with some internal belief. What that is? I can't completely say.
    I wouldn't totally say we're unsatisfied though. But there could be some crucial aspects that we're not aligned in on some "soul" level or just how we operate in the world. She's an intellectual, I'm an expressive personality type.

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    She needs to get her depression under control and you really should get a handle on your career. If it's not working for you, it's just not working. There is no shame in that but you'll have to find something more reliable or look into re-evaluating your entire idea about acting as a profession.

    Her comments would put anyone off and stress is not an excuse. Both of you are a ticking time bomb together. Don't nitpick the relationship if you're not happy with it. Work on yourself and don't settle for shoddy behaviour in relationships.
    I try often to get things going, so it's not like my energy towards it is lying dormant. I may go back to school at some point if things further don't pan out as I wish.
    She is starting to see a counselor next week, so she is certainly trying. I'm not sure if it will be a regular thing though. I hope for her sake she is able to shake away some old brain patterning.

    I think working on myself is the best path to take here, while abstaining from relationship talks. Some of her comments like I've stated are very very off putting as its almost her in a way pushing me away to fulfill some sort of self sabotage (which she agreed was partially true). If she is acting up with her words, next time i will leave my apartment or the vicinity and go for a walk while communicating that detrimental conversations while she's in a negative mood cannot happen.


    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    Was she cheated on?

    I was emotionally unavailable for ages after I was. The behaviour of being hot and cold comes with it too. :l
    No she wasn't. Her parents relationship had a history of multiple infidelities; her mother being the victim of this. She also grew up in a house with abusive behavior.
    How she has treated me is not original. Her previous boyfriend went through the same things as she told me one night. her style within relationships is that of creating issues or second guessing everything. So the issues at hand stem from her childhood, rather than an interpersonal romantic partner.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Give it a year and reevaluate at that time. If she hasn't seen a doctor or therapist by then to address her mood disorder, consider ending things. Don't try to fix her if she keeps telling you how 'broken' she is. She needs to want to fix herself. She may be great dating material, fun, thrills, novelty, etc but someone like this may be too rough around the edges (until she addresses things) to stay with long term.
    This is a very pragmatic perspective. As stated above, she is going to see someone next Monday - I don't know if its work related issues or general mood issues. Could be both as they are tied together. Would be good for her to talk to someone about anything though. Simply going to an office is step one, and a big step too.

    I think for me, your suggestion of giving things time and reevaluating is a good move, whether that be 3, 6, or 12 months from this date. She is certainly fun to date and I agree she is too rough right now for a serious long-term partner; unless she clears up some intrinsic issues. I have to stay to myself when she speaks about being broken. As a partner we want to assist in healing, however I think by me voicing my concerns it may make matters worse and enable her to some degree.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,318
    Gender
    Female
    She doesn't love you in the way you deserve to be loved. It does not have anything to do with your value as a person. It is all about how capable she is of forming a relationship and that is not something that you should even begin to try to "prove" to her. Maybe some day she will get to a point in her therapy and illness to be able to feel for someone but its not here, not now, not you.

    If you want to deal with someone who feels middling towards you - you are a pleasant person to pass the time with but speaks about love in the past tense, then go ahead. But you will be miserable.

    I dated someone who talked about a great love - in the past. Who he held on a pedestal. I felt like chopped liver.

    I really do think that its a good time to learn about boundaries and how you wish to be treated. You cannot heal someone with deep seated issues. It just is not practical or possible. Yes, you enable her and you are relinquishing your boundaries if someone is clear that they don't "love" love you and you stay. Its heartbreaking.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,835
    Gender
    Female
    Yes, please focus more on yourself. I like the part you wrote in response to me. Focus on you. She also seems emotionally burnt out and tired. You may be draining an already low/stressed person.

    If you're not able to pull your weight and develop your career in tandem with hers, I think you're running the risk of depending on her not just emotionally but financially. Shift the balance and start feeling more confident about yourself and where you're going with your life. I used the word 'nitpick' earlier. I think you just have too much brain space awarded to this relationship and the outcome isn't looking too good. There's good focus and there's bad focus.

    When I was a lot younger and still starting out/going to school, I was dating a man 8 years older than me and more established. I wanted all the things he had etc. Perhaps I was dating a projection of the type of 'me' I wanted to be when I grew up/got older. I hyperfocused on a lot of things because... deep down, I really was insecure about myself. I kept going on and on and on about what x, y, z, should be and nitpicked the relationship too. Looking back I must have been quite difficult to be around with (all that overanalysis). I have been accused of being an 'overthinker' or my favourite, an 'interrogator'. I'm so over all that now and it's all a mindless blur. What I needed to grow into was more direction in my life - less talking, more doing.

    I'm a big believer of boundaries but I also no longer expect someone to behave a certain way towards me if I don't earn it or if I don't pull my own weight or bring my share to the table, so to speak. I hope you feel comfortable with your direction too and pursue your goals. Focus on the real stuff, practice more faith in each other, nurture a growing trust that builds naturally over time with nothing forced or fabricated. Be genuine and yourself without trying so hard and don't be afraid of change.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 10-04-2019 at 02:05 AM.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    16
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    She doesn't love you in the way you deserve to be loved. It does not have anything to do with your value as a person. It is all about how capable she is of forming a relationship and that is not something that you should even begin to try to "prove" to her. Maybe some day she will get to a point in her therapy and illness to be able to feel for someone but its not here, not now, not you.

    If you want to deal with someone who feels middling towards you - you are a pleasant person to pass the time with but speaks about love in the past tense, then go ahead. But you will be miserable.

    I dated someone who talked about a great love - in the past. Who he held on a pedestal. I felt like chopped liver.

    I really do think that its a good time to learn about boundaries and how you wish to be treated. You cannot heal someone with deep seated issues. It just is not practical or possible. Yes, you enable her and you are relinquishing your boundaries if someone is clear that they don't "love" love you and you stay. Its heartbreaking.
    This was a great response. Thank you.
    She always talks about her capabilities within the realm of emotions and giving. And it feels honest; seems like she canít give from a full place like she used to, but does desire to. However it comes at a cost of her mental health. She had the whole mad love thing before and she even said it was too much for her; it was a tumultuous relationship very much so and he had issues - she suspected he was a closet homosexual and he was a alcoholic.
    The whole love thing.. This was before she had an actual job and was only going to school. Says she couldnít do that now because her focuses are different.

    I think timing is a key part of life. In every realm. And itís clear to see we met each other at a difficult time for her to fully experience what she wants. And like you said, I donít think itís because I lack value. She has stated many times Iím not the issue. I however, always have trouble believing lines like those. But she has also stated she doesnít want anyone else, but knows something is shut down in her.

    Maybe youíre right. If I continue down this path with her, I will be miserable. Because it is sad for me to witness someone who thinks love is a past tense. When in reality itís not to be feared and is right here. I think she looks at love like it will hurt (the losing of it) rather than the healing.

    And I will take a look at boundaries further and implement them in a firmer manner.


    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Yes, please focus more on yourself. I like the part you wrote in response to me. Focus on you. She also seems emotionally burnt out and tired. You may be draining an already low/stressed person.

    If you're not able to pull your weight and develop your career in tandem with hers, I think you're running the risk of depending on her not just emotionally but financially. Shift the balance and start feeling more confident about yourself and where you're going with your life. I used the word 'nitpick' earlier. I think you just have too much brain space awarded to this relationship and the outcome isn't looking too good. There's good focus and there's bad focus.

    I'm a big believer of boundaries but I also no longer expect someone to behave a certain way towards me if I don't earn it or if I don't pull my own weight or bring my share to the table, so to speak. I hope you feel comfortable with your direction too and pursue your goals. Focus on the real stuff, practice more faith in each other, nurture a growing trust that builds naturally over time with nothing forced or fabricated. Be genuine and yourself without trying so hard and don't be afraid of change.
    Yes I am focusing on me. I donít think Iíve never not. But there have been some parts where a lot of my energies have been on the relationship. And this hasnít been good. So it makes me more reactive than I should be and also just creates too much focus on some things which need none. But I donít believe itís only me.
    I do have a tendency of becoming very consumed with women whom I date. I donít know why.

    She has stated before that she feels emotionally burnt out and tired. Not from me, but just from life. I donít think I drain her energy at all. As any time we spend time together I know Iím increasing hers. I think life is just tiring for her. But her past has drained her. Itís all quite confusing and a lot.

    I do feel confident in my directions. There are some uncertainties for sure, but I do have faith. I think I need to learn this within the relationship though. And just trust everything will be fine. Take all the pressure and expectations off.

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •