Best chance of getting FWB back (if any?)

Long story short, I am in no place to be in a relationship (lots of issues in my personal life, and don't feel ready to be in one). I had a crush on a guy that works at my gym for the past 6 months since joining (added him on social media and saw he had a girl, and left it alone). We became friendlier, and recently while chatting he told me they broke up.

One thing led to another and he ended up coming over. We never slept together as we didn't have protection (although he wanted to), but I said it was best we were safe (but other stuff happened). He ended up coming over again briefly, and we did stuff again. Next day was texting but seemed a little distant....I asked if he was okay and he basically said that he thinks we should stop because he can actually get in a lot of trouble having a relationship with a member (against contract).

When he ended it, I had been drinking A LOT, and I stupidly got really emotional. It wasn't his fault, more just stuff going on in my life that I sort of took out on him, and feeling like this was a great distraction, and I went into a rant saying I probably shouldn't go to that gym anymore because it will be awkward now, and that I don't feel worthy of a relationship and feel worthless (which is true, my own personal demons that I am working on and why I don't want to be in one right now). He seemed scared off but he did send the last message saying he didn't mean for me to feel that way and he is going through a lot and it isn't me personally, and I didn't respond back to that, which was Saturday night.

I don't often feel attracted to people, and I have desired him for so long and we still haven't had sex and I really want to, but I feel like he isn't going to hit me up again, and I guess my question is, is there any way I can turn this around to where I can still hook up with him after those stupid emotional texts? I do want to sleep with him, but I feel like my emotional drunken rant just made it worse.

Again, please no judgment here. I have issues and don't want a relationship, but I desire to sleep with him.

Again, please no judgment here. I have issues and don't want a relationship, but I desire to sleep with him.

I'm sorry but that doesn't add up.

Having a fwb, sex with no emotional strings is completely opposite of having a crush on the same guy and getting really emotional when he pulls away.

You can't get him back if you didn't have him to begin with.

I think you need to get a little more clear with yourself about what exactly you want and need looks like, because by the sounds of it, you aren't being entirely honest with yourself.

If it where just about having sex, you'd find someone else if this one didn't work out.

Agree with reinvent, and to add, for the love of * learn to manage your emotions so they don't start spilling all over someone when you're disappointed, hurt or angry.

It doesn't help, only hurts you further..

I'm just going by your facts and I'm not making any calls on whether this is a good or bad idea. I think you're adult enough to decide that on your own.

Here's a few suggestions:

-avoid any more of your drunken scenarios (seems they make you overemotional)

-end the membership with that gym (I wouldn't continue going there if it's nothing special)

-get to know him as friends and/or something more

-work on yourself independently (work on your self-esteem and feeling good about yourself)

-meet other people (this means you don't have to just see him)

Don't take it so hard and don't be afraid. Live fearlessly and fully. Good luck.

Why not just be honest? Text him and tell him you don't want a relationship but you'd like to have sex with him. See what he says.

I'm sorry you are feeling like you are worthless or undeserving.

If I were you I would move on from this guy, whatever was there has been burned.

It sounds like you are aware of your issues and are working on them, however, be careful over indulging with alcohol. Take care of yourself

What everyone's saying, basically.

No judgment from me—I've had some wonderful FWB things over the years. But you know what makes them wonderful? There is none of the drama described above. You hang, you chat, you get naked. Rinse and repeat, without a lot of big feelings and emotions being stirred.

Best case it fades into a friendship, or just fades. Most likely someone catches feelings, the dynamic ends with an emotional imbalance that no amount of hot sex can mask, and there's some ironing to be done so everyone is "cool." A kind collective refocusing on the F while letting go of the WB.

But all that? That's after weeks or months of having sex, not the prelude.

For someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship, you're handling this very much like someone who, well, wants to be in a relationship. You're thrown. You're hurt. You're emotional. You're feeling worthless. (Big hugs on that last one—because you are not worthless. You're awesome!)

Sounds like those demons you're working through, whatever they are, have already come out to play inside of this. In his shoes, if I was looking for something chill and casual, I'd take the other night as evidence that chill and causal is not what this would be, especially once actual sex enters the dynamic.

But, hey, you're an adult asking other adults for specific advice. To that end, listen to SarahLancaster and shoot him a text: "Hey there—sorry I was a bit of a spaz. Want to come over and have NSA sex?"

In your wording, of course. But no harm in just being direct in what you want (or, ugh, think you want). Maybe the emotional hurricane of the other night didn't scare him off, maybe the prospect of some drama gets his blood boiling, or maybe the prospect of easy sex is enough for him to pretend the other night didn't happen. Great, get busy. And if he's not game—also great. Just means he's not the right dude for this specific need.

That said, in just looking out for you, I'd really be honest with what you can handle here and why sex with this dude is so important. Like, maybe you're looking for self-worth through sex?

You seem pretty aware of those demons and the self-work you're doing to keep them in check. Something tells me this is all more connected to that than a chill little vacation from it.

I'm sorry but that doesn't add up.

Having a fwb, sex with no emotional strings is completely opposite of having a crush on the same guy and getting really emotional when he pulls away.

 

You can't get him back if you didn't have him to begin with.

I think you need to get a little more clear with yourself about what exactly you want and need looks like, because by the sounds of it, you aren't being entirely honest with yourself.

 

If it where just about having sex, you'd find someone else if this one didn't work out.

Agree with reinvent, and to add, for the love of * learn to manage your emotions so they don't start spilling all over someone when you're disappointed, hurt or angry.

 

It doesn't help, only hurts you further..

Agree with these.

I often say sex is easy to get, especially for women, now a days it’s not all that hard for men either honestly. it’s time to get real with yourself if youre emotionally invested in a no strings attached situation with a specific person. That alone screams this is more than sex. I’ve been there, I know people men and women who do casual, to me, it’s harder to maintain than relationships, casual has so many more rules and nuances, it is not easier, despite how it’s defined.

Also your reasons aren’t I am a woman in control of her sexuality hear me roar, your reasons are,I’m emotionally damaged and want to fix it with sex, it would be reckless of us given all this info to blindly give you pointers to damage yourself further emotionally.

It would be like a poster stating I plan to kill myself what ice cream should I buy? Don’t ask us to ignore the giant elephant suffocating us.

Casual sex is the last thing an emotionally damaged person should be doing. Thank God he saw your red flags and ran. He sounds smart enough to not go there with you, respect him and yourself enough to let it go.

Please consider seeing someone to work through your issues, mental health isn’t something to ignore and medicate with drug, alcohol and/or casual sex. We only get one life, if you insist on finding a man to have casual sexual with so be it it’s your prerogative, but don’t get us to help...if I had a friend tell me I want to have casual sex with this guy because I don’t feel worthy of a relationship, I’m not going to ignore that core message, and honestly I think you included it for just that reason... you could have easily said “ hey guys how do I get a guy to have casual sex with me?” You didn’t have to act out emotionally to him the fact that you did... to me... is your subconscious wanting help... I could be wrong... just seems more trouble than it’s worth for an easy lay...

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