Tired of being ghosted

Hi,

I recently (6 weeks ago) got out of a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. He dumped me when we were a week away from 6 months. I have been struggling a lot to come to terms with this because we had a great relationship. We were together all the time and always just had a good time around each other. I don't fully understand why he broke up with me as he never explained it to me. The week we broke up was our first real fight. I had been unemployed for about 3 months as I moved back to my old city to be with him - and when I finally got a job he started getting upset that we weren't spending enough time together (when it had literally only been a week into the job and I was still seeing him almost every day except for on the weekend because HE was busy all weekend) I at first thought this was crazy but I eventually said I would work through it. Instead of working through it though he dumped me and he did it over text and completely ignored all of my following texts, went on tinder straight away and hung up on my phone calls. He never gave me a chance to talk to him and I still don't know why he wasn't willing to work through something so small. It's made me question myself so much that maybe I did something else to drive him away and maybe I'm just an awful person. Even though it was only 6 months I felt like the relationship for once could be for life - I met his whole family, we talked about having kids and getting married and moving somewhere together. He told me he loved me all the time and we had literally no problems up until that one fight.

Towards the end of this relationship though another guy friend of mine started trying to flirt with me. This is a guy friend who I really really used to like and used to be best friends with. He was a great guy at first but then he started to see me in a more sexual light and it became almost like all I am is some sex kitten to him. He would just constantly be so up and down with me - talking to me one second and ignoring me the next when I guess he was bored or not horny - and i just continuously put myself through the hurt for so long because I had really strong feelings for him. A while before I agreed to date my ex-boyfriend I decided to cut this guy off and just forget about all of it. Anyway so when he started flirting with me I shut it down - told him I was in a relationship and he stopped for a little bit. He then started talking to me just as a friend and he was being really nice. And when my ex did split with me he started talking me through it and messaging me to make sure I was okay. I don't know if it's because I was feeling so emotional and alone but eventually the flirting did start happening again. This escalated into us sending naked pics and just messaging pretty much every day - not even just flirting a lot of the time he'd just ask how my day was and what I've been up to. I had been feeling so hesitant to let this guy in again because he hurt me so many times before but he just seemed genuinely interested in mending the friendship and like he wasn't going anywhere this time. Well now I feel like a complete idot because just as my feelings have started resurfacing for this guy again he has now started ignoring my messages and pretty much ghosting me AGAIN!!! Which is exactly what I cut him off for doing before.

I feel stupid I feel irritated and I feel like I just want to crawl into a hole and stop existing. Why did this guy try so hard to come back into my life just to go ahead and hurt me with the same old tricks he did before?! And when he knows I'm already still trying to get over someone else. I still am thinking about my ex every single day and why he ended it and where I went wrong and just beating myself up. And now it's happening again with this guy and I just feel like a complete mess I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me and I just feel freaking hurt and powerless. I am getting no closure just a bunch of guys who don't have enough respect for me to even communicate and who think it's okay to just hurt someone and run away like nothing happened. Like that's fine for them but what about how I feel?? What about the person on the other end who is constantly taking all of this hurt?? I want to say something to both of them just to get closure but I am scared they will just ignore me or I'll come across as needy and over emotional which is just so ridiculous because of course I'm emotional when these guys I care about just cut me off like I don't even exist! what should I do? Does anyone have any advice on what I should say? I'm so sick of these cowardly guys who think they can just get away with treating people like crap and facing no consequences. Someone please help :/

You don't need either of these guys because they are no good. Take some time away from relationships for a while and just focus on you. The first guy used your job status as an excuse to break up with you imo. I get the feeling that he had been planning it for a while. The other guy was just using you. He was no friend and he clearly only saw you as a sex object that ditched you once he got what he wanted. Block both these guys completely. You deserve better than them. It's their loss.

This other guy did NOT try so hard to get back into your life.

At least you haven’t provided evidence to suggest so. He simply chatted on line and it didn’t take long to get to the point of exchanging pics. YOU did that without him even having to date you.

The only lack of respect I see here is lack of self respect.

No one can make you feel such disrespect if you firstly respect yourself.

What’s going on?

Your position has to change, Locker. You're in pain now so I don't expect any big changes right now but your psychological position has to change in relationships from one of powerlessness and defensiveness to assertiveness and more control over your own life. If something doesn't feel right, your filters have to work (do not respond and start being smarter about your technology). Remember that every event and consequence will have an effect over you over time. This is a basic law of nature, one of the first. Actions and reactions. Use that law to your benefit and start regulating your own actions as they will limit the number of reactions required from you. You'll conserve your energy for greater good and be far more functional and motivated than you are now.

You say you don’t want to be in pain but your actions... well it’s kinda like watching the teenager run towards danger in a horror movie.

You got hurt by one guy and attempted to monkey branch to another guy to rebound.

Now you’re not only dealing with the heartache of your first break up but this one too.

Your ego and self esteem took a one two punch. To put it bluntly all because you didn’t want to sit still.

Sit still.

Heal.

Respect starts with you.

I am sorry you are hurting. I would advice you not to say anything to them, in fact, cut all contact, block, delete, whatever you have to do so you can start the healing process.

Right now the least thing you need to do is to blame yourself for their behavior. Some people are sh*tty and treat others that way.

If you feel like these men have no respect for you to communicate in a mature manner, then YOU show yourself that respect and get away from those situations.

Many people after a break up do write a letter saying all they need to get off their chest, but that letter is not to be sent to anybody, just written for you.

Rely on your friends at this time of hurt and remember you are not alone

Why would you move to be with someone so early in the relationship? It is also not healthy to be with someone all the time. Did this guy work?

Both guys are jerks. Choose better and stay single for a long while. You seem to make your self worth about men. Not good.

I had a guy like that in my life for awhile... he would try and maintain a pretense of innocence and wanting to build a friendship but in reality he just wanted a purely casual relationship. I let him pop in and out of my life for awhile when I wasn't seeing other people, finally lost interest and decided to shut it down. I think part of me was hoping that he would change his mind in the beginning and that we could build a friendship as we genuinely liked each other and got along, but he had no interest in doing so, and eventually his flaky behavior and constant desire to turn the conversation to something sexual just got annoying for me.

Even after I shut him down he continued to message me until I had to block his number and eventually his social media accounts... I even had to block him on LinkedIn after he found me there and kept trying to message me!

My point is... some guys can be pretty persistent and if we leave an opening for them they will crawl through at any opportunity. It's self-centered and selfish behavior (they don't consider how we feel about what they do) and so it's up to us to close the windows and doors so they aren't able to come in if we don't want them to. OP your part in this is that even though he never gave you any indication he wanted to be in a relationship with you, you built a fantasy of being in a relationship with him and were disappointed when reality smacked you in the face. Lesson learned... unless you are okay with a purely casual relationship, don't start having sexual conversations with someone unless they are also willing to date and get to know you.

I can relate to half of this scenario. My fiance split with me just last week with no reason and absolutely no warning. In love one day, gone the next. It's soul destroying no matter the length of a relationship when you love someone and with a snap of the fingers it's gone with no chance of closure. You are in a vunerable place and have allowed another person to in my opinion take advantage of that. You've got to respect yourself. Neither one of these guys deserve your attention. Trust me, I know that's so much easier said than done. I've had my friends and wonderful people on this site doing all they can to get me to see this but they are right.

Cut contact. Focus on positive relationships with friends, family etc. Do things that make you feel like you and gain that much needed confidence. It might not happen straight away but you will absolutely get there. And when you get there you'll kick yourself for allowing these guys to take up any space in your mind.

@RayofLighten thank so much you for your advice you're very right :/ I wish I hadn't wasted my time on either of these guys and I wouldn't have the heartache I have now. I had been single for 6 years until I met my now ex because I didn't want to let just anybody in. There are so many players, users, manipulators and whatever else out there and the 2 people I chose to trust and have let in my life just went ahead and hurt me anyway but I guess that's love for you :/

@Billie28 you are probably right he didn't try that hard to get back into my life but I didn't mention this earlier as I thought it wasn't important but he was sending me messages for at least 3 months when I moved back to my old city which is where he lives. I was not very responsive for a long time but eventually after he just kept trying to make an effort with me I thought okay maybe this guy genuinely wants to try and mend this friendship and maybe he has actually missed our friendship and realised how he treated me was wrong. That was why I started talking to him again. I just wanted a friend and I thought he wanted to be that, and when my ex broke up with me a friend is what I really needed. I don't have many friends here in this city anymore as I was spending most of my time with my boyfriend since I moved back and honestly it was nice to have someone to talk to and who was trying to make me feel better. I had no intention of dating him and I blew him off so many times when he asked me to send those pics, but I honestly started to trust him again and started sending the pics again because I can which I guess I probably shouldn't have done, but I don't even care about that as much as I feel hurt that he pretty much ghosted me on the friendship after all that effort he put in to mend it. Like I tried to avoid him for so long and he just kept trying so I tried to trust him and now he does this - I don't see how this is not respecting myself. This is just me giving someone the benefit of the doubt and being a complete moron for doing so. I do have respect for myself but sometimes you just trust the wrong people and end up paying the consequences for it. What I do with my body is my choice whether it's sending naked pics or sleeping with someone or whatever, but don't come into my life acting like you want to be a good person and ghost me the moment you're not getting what you want that's just utter disrespect in my opinion. And I did start developing feelings for this guy again and so I'm hurt but that was never my intention I just wanted a friend and I guess I just wish he hadn't even tried to talk to me or that I hadnt let him in again in the first place because I'd probably be feeling a lot better right now.

@figureitout23 thanks a lot for the advice, although I didn't intentionally try to rebound :/ the feelings came up and I guess that's my bad.. but I do agree maybe for now I should stay away from guys for a bit even though I'm honestly tired of being single at this point.. :/

@Hollyj thanks for the advice he did work but he just wanted me to spend every day and night after work with him even though we didn't live together I guess it was a bit odd and very difficult at times because I have my own life as well :/ I do agree I probably should stay away from any romantic interests until I guess I've healed a bit more

@maew that's so similar to what I'm going through thanks so much for posting. I will admit I have a soft spot for this friend of mine and regardless of the amount of times I have tried to cut him off, I always somehow end up forgiving him. He's basically like a friend from school who used to be such a good guy and someone who I thought of as a life long friend and who changed the moment he lost his virginity.. sometimes I can't stop thinking about the way it used to be with him and how close we were and I always somehow give in and let him in when he's just a different person now. It's almost like he's not even aware of how hurtful he's being and he only thinks about himself and what he wants. And if he does realise he's hurt me he wants to act like I'm being crazy or just doesn't want to deal with someone being emotional.. I think I just have to realise he's not that some person he was anymore and close the door on him permanently. I just hope I can be strong enough to do so

@Toriana I'm sorry you went through that I can't imagine what you must be going through :/ that's great that you have had friends and family around you to support you and I hope you continue to work through all of it and continue feeling better. You're right I just need to cut these people out of my life and mind and focus on positive things. I guess all things will heal with time and I hope you will feel better too!