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MaggieMatsu

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About MaggieMatsu

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  1. Sorry I went quiet for a while there, thank you for all your thoughts on this. Since I posted this we've spent some time together but it still feels very rocky and confusing. We did talk about it and it seemed as though we ended up on the same page but since then I feel it's gone back to quiet mode. In answer to the question of how much time we spend together: it's always been 1-2 days a week and the effort has always been mutual. I did post about him back in August but it completely turned out to be all in my mind, the nail was hit on the head in this thread - I know I am insecure. I'm stru
  2. I'm struggling to know if my mind is playing tricks on me or if how I'm feeling is actually reasonable. I've been in a relationship for 8 months and am so in love; it's simultaneously the most amazing and terrifying feeling. I've been in other long term relationships and been in love but this one feels so much more... Well, more. My last relationship ended very abruptly at the 8 month mark and I'm not sure if I'm now projecting my fears of losing my current boyfriend out of seemingly nowhere. We talk everyday but over the last week it's become patchy, one day we talk for 2 minutes only and th
  3. Since taking the best part of a year off from work due to illness and recovery I've found it very hard to find me again. I've concentrated on my health physical health but believe I've neglected my mental health to the point where I'm now seeking therapy but it hasn't helped me to find that motivation to get up and be productive. The last fifteen years of my life has been spent working in physically challenging roles which is now not an option and I'm struggling to find anything I can do without the necessary qualifications and with no money to aquire them. I'm lucky enough to have a home curr
  4. I'm not seeing a therapist per se now as I've switched to italk and have only just started that one. It's never clear they're toxic until it's too late. For instance with this one, he's the most likeable guy - everyone wants to be his friend. He's so much fun and so adventurous and I've only just now seen this more childish side. The selfishness never seemed to matter because he's always been so much fun and it spreads and makes others happy in his presence. I think that's why I'm feeling so dramatically sad about this last week because all the happiness seems to have been taken away. The g
  5. That's a wonderful piece of advice and I completely understand the sentiment. I've struggled with depression and anxiety from a rather young age and never received help until I was well into my 20's by which time I feel like it's just ingrained in who I am. I am happy with my own company but I don't feel whole unless I have someone to share myself with. I've come to understand more of why this is through therapy but I don't know how to change this yet.
  6. He's never before had a short relationship but he's been single for 9 years after a very bad break up and I think being alone for so long has had an impact as well as his own baggage he's made clear from his last relationship. I'm the polar opposite in that I've not had a lot of time alone, I think in all my adult life the longest I've been single was a little over a year and bar my last relationship all have been amicable ends. I have always been my worst critic and am very hard on myself. I know I'm not perfect and so I don't expect anyone else to be but I do know I can get walked all ov
  7. Thank you for your response. The last few days felt rather hopeless but I do also have a real tenancy to overthink and create a bigger problem than there actually is. We will be spending some time together this weekend so I'm going to take that time to get a better understanding of the situation. This is the first time anything like this has happened and it could have just been all blown out of proportion and we haven't had the opportunity to see each other face to face during this time. The optimist in me says this weekend could be very positive and if it's not meant to be I'll know soon enou
  8. The more I think about it the more I now believe I'm the one who jeopardised this with my paranoia. Absolutely nothing was wrong until we dropped the "L" word and since then I've been waiting for it to be taken away, it's almost like I'm looking for reasons as to why it would be and in doing so I may have caused this situation. He's starting a new job today and I'm wondering if I triggered him by asking questions about our relationship that he didn't think needed to be asked at a time when he's stressed about his new venture. I don't think he handled it well but I don't think I did either.
  9. He's 32 (and I'm 29) and had been working abroad for several years and living off his savings while he was looking after his grandparents so it never really bothered me. I'm hardly one to judge as I had to move in with my grandfather after I got ill and we look after each other and I've been keeping myself moving forward by learning to drive.
  10. In hindsight I feel like I know this to be true. I've never had much self confidence and I know I only feel good when I'm with someone and that's a problem. I've always admired my parents and grandparents relationships as they've always stuck by one another no matter what and it feels like that doesn't exist anymore. If I fall for someone I want to make it work and I know that's not always going to be realistic but the optimist in me keeps me at it. I've sought cbt because I need to address my anxiety and paranoia and I think that does a lot to jeopardise new relationships because I simply do
  11. 5 months but that's neither here nor there. I was devastated at the time but through talking it out here and doing a lot of thinking I realized how glad I was that had ended and how abusive he'd actually been during the year we'd been together. This guy came along without me expecting it and things just kinda happened. I held him at arms length for a while and it was only a week ago that I allowed myself to admit I really care about him. We had a great talk and both admitted we loved each other.. Things have changed somewhat since then but I don't know if that's me projecting my fears over wha
  12. I think as a rule this seems to be the case; I've never had a boyfriend that wasn't selfish but when I talk to my friends it's always the same old "what man isn't?" response so I tend to overlook it. I had one long term boyfriend (8 years) who loved me very much but he was very neglectful of me due to a terrible alcohol problem that ultimately ended us. Since then I've been in a relationship that felt perfect and we'd made amazing plans and then he just switched and changed his mind. I think that has a part to play in my paranoia in expecting my current boyfriend to turn out to be lying to me
  13. He's always been all about him. In every conversation (not just with me) it's always his time to shine and he cuts across anyone who tries to talk. He's never particularly interested in what's going on in other people's lives but can't wait to tell everyone what he's up to and what he knows about something, he has very strong opinions and you can't argue with him. But all of that has never really bothered me, people are different after all and he's always been quite sweet with me. He certainly lacks empathy but he does care. And I'm absolutely not using him as a taxi service, I couldn't even i
  14. I can see how that looks and I was worried that's what he thought too. My problem is I over think and freak myself out and I just wanted to talk to him about what was worrying me. He knows I'm an overthinker and his responses have left me even more confused. I don't believe he wants to end it but I'm so sad he's not talking to me now. The last thing I wanted was an argument I just wanted to understand where I stood because it become so confusing.
  15. I've officially been with my boyfriend for 4 months now but we dated a good while before then. Everything has been wonderful as it should be at the beginning but it appears the honeymoon period is well and truly over and the cracks are starting show. A good friend of mine said once that the cracks will always show after a few months but this is the make or break time as it's how we deal with them that determine our relationship. Here's where my problem comes in. A couple of weeks back he had an issue he brought up with me and we sat and talked it out and it was so refreshing. He said in a good
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