New Guy

I've been seeing this one guy I have taken quite a liking to. As I got to know him better over the course of nearly two months, I discovered he has a lot of qualities I look for in a partner, which consist of too many to list out here. There is one thing I really need to consider, however.

He has been only a few months out from a previous 3 year relationship. He said she came out as a lesbian and it was a mutual decision to end the relationship, stating it was more like a friendship without much romance. He told me he is looking for something serious and asked if I am as well. I am open to it after we get to know each other better (I'm not in a rush to jump into a relationship and he is fine with not being exclusive), but I have reservations about this fact since it is hard to just not pay attention to. He is confident this is not a problem for him and is willing to talk about it. Yesterday they met to exchange the last of each other's stuff, as described to me via text, despite him not wanting to contact her again. Hence the prompt for why I am wondering about this all now.

While I believe he is genuine and honest, I wonder if down the line perhaps it would become an unintentional issue or in rebound territory. Do ya'll think he is ready for something serious? Should I continue as is, or perhaps revisit towards something serious after he's single for some time? He reiterates he is into me, is vocal about how he really likes me, has invited me to meet his friends and family multiple times (too soon for me this early so I declined for now), is consistent on making exciting plans once or twice a week, maintains daily contact, and overall clearly shows he wants to get to know me. We're supposed to meet tonight and I know this will come up.

I would be cautiously optimistic.

He can’t go back to his ex, which would be my biggest concern. I’m sure he still misses the relationship he had in some capacity, but he also knows that he can’t get it back, so having a connection with you may be making it easier. Which sounds reboundy, and it might be.

I know I’m just rambling now. I don’t think there’s any way to protect yourself necessarily, but just watch for signs and move slowly.

I think it's too soon. A few months really is nothing after a three year relationship.

I'm also going to say cautiously optimistic. She has a gender identity that pretty much wipes him off the books and he removes her. There is, however, significant loss. This seems a bit different than the normal hetero- or same-gender breakups where there might be some back and forth for awhile and some longing and fantasy. We've discovered a more defining split and acceptance. Five months could be plenty long enough. Often times, the person doing the breaking up (or mutual) gave up on this relationship so long ago, the actual break up is basically "signing on the dotted line" or "making it official." BUT, of course, there's this loss. There's still the loss of friendship and familiarity. Pretty much stuff to work through. Will it be rebound garbage? I don't know. If he's still pining for her, you are definite rebound. If he is in a place of acceptance, maybe he knew for awhile? He might be in a good place.

There's nothing wrong with taking things slow. Just see where the wind blows right now. There are no guarantees, and maybe this turns into a bust. His continued communication with the ex could be problematic for you, even though she has determined she butters her bread on the other side. There is still some bond or attachment. You need to work with what is comfortable for you. I don't see any reason to toss in the towel too quickly, but feel things out and see how it goes, and walk away if there's too much friction or tension around him and her, his loss, etc. Otherwise, I say enjoy! He sounds great.

You are asking this at the two month mark? The question is a little late. You need to discover that sort of thing within the first few dates, before you get in too deep. If it makes a difference now, when you two should be almost totally in love and going into the honeymoon phase of your relationship..........you guys are not in love and probably never will be. I think you need to keep looking for Mr. Right.

Some of you people on here today seem to be seeking arrangements. What ever happened to love? Do you guys really just want to kiss a friend? I don't get it.

You are asking this at the two month mark? The question is a little late. You need to discover that sort of thing within the first few dates, before you get in too deep. If it makes a difference now, when you two should be almost totally in love and going into the honeymoon phase of your relationship..........you guys are not in love and probably never will be. I think you need to keep looking for Mr. Right.

 

Some of you people on here today seem to be seeking arrangements. What ever happened to love? Do you guys really just want to kiss a friend? I don't get it.

I thought this may come up. These topics were brought up very early on by him, actually after the first few dates. At first, I was not looking for something serious, and he knew that before even meeting each other. I was planning to transfer within my work quite far away, which he knew. He asked the questions anyway, including when I plan to move, since he said he liked me so much, and I spontaneously changed my decision to transfer soon, due to the same reason. We both asked about our past and wanting something serious, since we feel our feelings for each other.

I have an opportunity for further learning and a promotion I knew of beforehand at my current job, but before meeting him I was planning on still transferring despite it. He was the real reason I delayed since I have the same career opportunity as a transfer, even though now I am planning on even further advancing my career after achieving the future promotion instead of making a lateral decision to transfer far away. Basically, I made a decision to want to see where it goes with this guy while simultaneously making an even better career opportunity for myself to delay my move another year or so. While he said he wouldn't go off with me right now (so early on with me after the first few dates), he was open to the possibility of relocation after more time and progression of the relationship has passed. My landlord is pretty confused haha. I had a month to month lease and now I am telling her I want to sign an extended lease.

At the time, I didn't question him about his ex much since he is confident about being moved on and is expressive in many ways about just wanting to be with me. We've been kicked out of multiple venues closing up, after just spending time with each other for hours until the time was up. The chemistry is extremely good. The text from yesterday threw me off; that he was still in contact with his ex and had to exchange items left behind. He made it clear they were items he needed, which were at her relative's place, and didn't want to contact her. Although it made me think I should give this more consideration, given the circumstances. I don't want him as a friend, but I don't want to make the mistake of rushing or blurting out feelings of love too soon, despite having feelings very close to it. I'm very realistic and know real love happens in due time. Whatever happens, I believe I have made the right decision in regards to all aspects for myself.

Had they been married and weren’t divorced for a year or so I’d feel differently. I think he’s likely to get over it faster because of the reason. Three months certainly can be enough. Would have been enough for me after a long relationship. I started dating my husband closer to 6 months after. For him it was about a month after a one year relationship that was serious. So far so good (together almost 14 this time and married for ten)

More information:

Three years is not a very long relationship.

Mostly, people coming out of a five year or more marriage are on the rebound - and it was only a 3 year relationship, and he was not even married.

But it's possible he could be on the rebound for 6 months or a year - or maybe he's not on the rebound.

Additionally, some rebound people actually fall in love with their new partner - so the whole rebound thing is just a risk - it's not necessarily written in stone what they will do. It's a gamble but not necessarily a deal breaker, for those people who can read the signs.

Rebound people are pretty easy to spot - they don't completely fall in love with you and act flaky toward you. If you are listening to your intuition/gut feelings/radar, you can usually pick up on this.

Since you are asking the question, that suggests your gut is telling you something.

All that said, I still think this is not much of a relationship - you guys should be almost totally in love by now if everything was going just right - and things need to go just right to have a great relationship.

(edited to fix typos and make clear)

Another hand raised for cautiously optimistic. Or, really, just optimistic.

What I'll ask you is: How much are you asking these questions to protect yourself—which is totally natural at this stage, as deeper feelings develop, surprise, stir, and rattle a bit—and how much are they connected to not totally feeling this and looking for a reason to detach? Speaking only for myself, but I know that when I'm doing this sort of analysis it's maybe connected to something not totally clicking—or, well, to the fact that I'm the one not totally ready. Never fun to admit that, easier to find the crack in another.

At the end of the day I really don't think there are hard rules for how long a person needs to be single in order to get into a healthy relationship. And, the older we get, the rarer it is to find someone with the ideal amount of baggage. Like, sure, there's the dream of meeting someone who, I don't know, has been totally single for time period X after relationship Y, but that's hardly a guarantee for stability, let alone the ever-important juju of chemistry—intellectual, physical, the gambit. Kind of have to go with your gut, knowing that, wherever it goes, you're going to be fine.

Personally, I wouldn't be worried at all about the contact with the ex. He had some stuff to get, and let you know—good signs. My feeling, with early relationships, is that someone basically always has some unresolved business with someone—maybe an ex, maybe a fling who's still orbiting, whatever. Good to be able to be open and honest about that stuff, but equally important to just allow for some space to let it shake out. Too much talking about all that runs the risk of putting too much weight on something early—"honesty" and "openness" posing as volley of insecurity and faux-soothing.

You are asking this at the two month mark? The question is a little late. You need to discover that sort of thing within the first few dates, before you get in too deep. If it makes a difference now, when you two should be almost totally in love and going into the honeymoon phase of your relationship..........you guys are not in love and probably never will be. I think you need to keep looking for Mr. Right.

 

Some of you people on here today seem to be seeking arrangements. What ever happened to love? Do you guys really just want to kiss a friend? I don't get it.

I thought this may come up. These topics were brought up very early on by him, actually after the first few dates. At first, I was not looking for something serious, and he knew that before even meeting each other. I was planning to transfer within my work quite far away, which he knew. He asked the questions anyway, including when I plan to move, since he said he liked me so much, and I spontaneously changed my decision to transfer soon, due to the same reason. We both asked about our past and wanting something serious, since we feel our feelings for each other.

 

I have an opportunity for further learning and a promotion I knew of beforehand at my current job, but before meeting him I was planning on still transferring despite it. He was the real reason I delayed since I have the same career opportunity as a transfer, even though now I am planning on even further advancing my career after achieving the future promotion instead of making a lateral decision to transfer far away. Basically, I made a decision to want to see where it goes with this guy while simultaneously making an even better career opportunity for myself to delay my move another year or so. While he said he wouldn't go off with me right now (so early on with me after the first few dates), he was open to the possibility of relocation after more time and progression of the relationship has passed. My landlord is pretty confused haha. I had a month to month lease and now I am telling her I want to sign an extended lease.

 

At the time, I didn't question him about his ex much since he is confident about being moved on and is expressive in many ways about just wanting to be with me. We've been kicked out of multiple venues closing up, after just spending time with each other for hours until the time was up. The chemistry is extremely good. The text from yesterday threw me off; that he was still in contact with his ex and had to exchange items left behind. He made it clear they were items he needed, which were at her relative's place, and didn't want to contact her. Although it made me think I should give this more consideration, given the circumstances. I don't want him as a friend, but I don't want to make the mistake of rushing or blurting out feelings of love too soon, despite having feelings very close to it. I'm very realistic and know real love happens in due time. Whatever happens, I believe I have made the right decision in regards to all aspects for myself.

Even so this topic is still too little too late.

It’s my personal opinion that it’s incredibly rare one truly changes their dating goals.

What I mean is sometimes women or men go into dating saying ‘oh I don’t want anything seeious’ as a protective barrier and they pretty much always end up falling for the guy or girl they’re ‘casually’ dating because deep down they never actually had a casual mindset so you entered this, for a lack of better words, recklessly and now you’re trying to make decisions that should be made before any type of attachment happens.

Are you even really willing to walk away at this point? Honest question. I mean if he got to you enough that you’re changing your dating intentions because of him this doesn’t seem like a meh we don’t mesh type of situation sounds like you’re pretty smitten. Soooo this question actually sounds more of a ‘ am i going to get hurt’ type question just based on the length of your dating time, in other words I agree with Gary.

Even so this topic is still too little too late.

 

It’s my personal opinion that it’s incredibly rare one truly changes their dating goals.

 

What I mean is sometimes women or men go into dating saying ‘oh I don’t want anything seeious’ as a protective barrier and they pretty much always end up falling for the guy or girl they’re ‘casually’ dating because deep down they never actually had a casual mindset so you entered this, for a lack of better words, recklessly and now you’re trying to make decisions that should be made before any type of attachment happens.

 

Are you even really willing to walk away at this point? Honest question. I mean if he got to you enough that you’re changing your dating intentions because of him this doesn’t seem like a meh we don’t mesh type of situation sounds like you’re pretty smitten. Soooo this question actually sounds more of a ‘ am i going to get hurt’ type question just based on the length of your dating time, in other words I agree with Gary.

That's a different senario. My true overall dating goal is that I am up for whatever happens. I am not in dire need to have a serious relationship at this time at all costs. I find value in any type of relation I have with a person. In general, if I am not serious with someone, it's fine with me. If it ends up I want to be serious, then that is also fine. I am not opposed to either end or anywhere that falls in the middle. I have had a variety of this so far multidating and I know when I want to be serious or not, or just friends. This is in general. I have had casual partners where I know it's not going anywhere and I don't make it out to be anything more, such as you described. It's not happening, where I want something more with someone I was never serious about. In summary, my overall goal is I am up for whatever, then on a case by case basis I assess the kind of relationship I want from a guy after some dates.

I did state I wasn't looking for something serious in my last post, but I am really not against it either. I "advertised" OLD I am not looking for something serious, I am planning on moving, but if I end up clicking with a person I am open to see where it goes for something more. Hence why this guy asked, despite knowing, since he wants to be serious ultimately. I didn't personally tell him I don't want anything serious. So we talked about it when it felt appropriate. I changed my moving plans, but not my feelings about where I want to go with this guy. My overall goal doesn't change in general, and neither did my individual goal with him change. However, I am always trying to assess all aspects when it comes towards entering a relationship. We are mutually not exclusive right now, so in the near future I'd like to talk to him about anything I should pay more attention to before becoming exclusive or committed.

Another hand raised for cautiously optimistic. Or, really, just optimistic.

 

What I'll ask you is: How much are you asking these questions to protect yourself—which is totally natural at this stage, as deeper feelings develop, surprise, stir, and rattle a bit—and how much are they connected to not totally feeling this and looking for a reason to detach? Speaking only for myself, but I know that when I'm doing this sort of analysis it's maybe connected to something not totally clicking—or, well, to the fact that I'm the one not totally ready. Never fun to admit that, easier to find the crack in another.

 

At the end of the day I really don't think there are hard rules for how long a person needs to be single in order to get into a healthy relationship. And, the older we get, the rarer it is to find someone with the ideal amount of baggage. Like, sure, there's the dream of meeting someone who, I don't know, has been totally single for time period X after relationship Y, but that's hardly a guarantee for stability, let alone the ever-important juju of chemistry—intellectual, physical, the gambit. Kind of have to go with your gut, knowing that, wherever it goes, you're going to be fine.

 

Personally, I wouldn't be worried at all about the contact with the ex. He had some stuff to get, and let you know—good signs. My feeling, with early relationships, is that someone basically always has some unresolved business with someone—maybe an ex, maybe a fling who's still orbiting, whatever. Good to be able to be open and honest about that stuff, but equally important to just allow for some space to let it shake out. Too much talking about all that runs the risk of putting too much weight on something early—"honesty" and "openness" posing as volley of insecurity and faux-soothing.

I guess I ask these questions to protect myself; don't we all before fully committing to someone? Right now, we are mutually not exclusive, but are open to be serious and become committed after getting to know each other more in due time. My dating style as I described before is a little different, but I like it that way. I don't like expectations. While I use OLD as a tool, I see it to be a more genuine dating experience. I find it to be no different than men who approach me on the street for a date, except I know their background better and it's through a screen. It's unorthodox, but I don't like dating through my friend groups, at work, or through a hobby. It allows me to be more genuine when dating different individuals, since there's less pressure. I like dating multiple people and seeing where it goes. I want to commit when I am convinced it will work long term, at that time. There is always the potential to love different people, but I don't want love or infatuation to cloud my judgement when making the final decision to be in a relationship.

yatsue, dating and getting hurt is always a risk regardless of whether they recently ended a previous relationship or have been single for years..

I for one like your attitude - being open to all possibilities. Not rigidly being stuck on one, whether it's getting serious or remaining casual.

Feelings can fluctuate, and the same person who only wanted casual can turn and want serious down the road, with that same person.

Contrast to that, someone may go into dating wanting serious with someone, but realize they only want casual - with that same person.

It's up to us to set our own boundaries and if our dating partner's agenda does not jive with ours, at any point in time, then end it or lower expectations and adjust if you can and want to.

Being open and flexible to the changing nuances is so imprtant imo. And not being afraid to take a risk!

Good luck!

Love your attitude, though I admit I'm biased since I date with a similar attitude. I'm all for the big thing, the plank walk of mutual commitment, but that doesn't close me off to plenty of other possibilities: an unexpected friendship, a steamy weekend, a kind of casual nebulous lovers thing, whatever.

That said, when I find myself really captivated by someone—that rare thing—my focus moves very quickly to them and them only. I don't need to label it quickly, don't even need monogamy, not right away. It's kind of a personal choice, an intentional commitment to exploring commitment, you could say. And, sure, there are some fears and little self-protective hiccups, but they tend to be snuffed out by the amazingness of the person and the excitement about what we could be together. Basically I know something is working when I'm not in my head.

I say all this because it sounds, between the lines, that you're maybe on the fence about this guy in general, not because he's picking things up from his now-lesbian ex's home. Maybe that's because you're still a bit skittish—I remember your last breakup wasn't too long ago, and I'd imagine you're still a bit on high-alert about not, say, finding yourself living with a video game junkie or—same instincts, new material—getting serious with someone secretly pining for a lesbian. Or maybe he's just not checking off certain boxes. Or maybe I'm completely wrong.

Anyhow, sounds like fun thing you're in: new connection, a nice sizzle, some flickers of deeper potential. Keep exploring, see where the sizzle goes, if a sense of safety blossoms alongside it, or not—all good. If you're finding yourself thinking a lot about his ex, or finding that suddenly "ex talk" is a norm during early courtship—well, that tends to be a sign of incompatibility and/or a sign that one or both people aren't actually ready for the big thing, or at least not quite feeling it for the other.