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Thread: I cheated and I regret it so much

  1. #1

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    I cheated and I regret it so much

    I am in an almost 3 year relationship. We are serious and we talked about getting married. We are highschool sweethearts and I love my boyfriend very much. But for I long time I was unhappy and I felt neglected, when I told him about it, he apologized and gave me the attention that I needed but it lasted for a short period of time because it was something that always bugged me and something I told him about. About 3 months ago, I was crying everyday because I felt lonely because my boyfriend and I didn't see each other for almost 20 days (even though we live 45-50 minutes away), he told me to push through it because of college responsibilites and we will see each other when we do. At that time I became close friends with a colleague from college, we had a lot of fun. We started flirting with each other (but I thought of it as being friendly, but he didn't so I said flirted) and once we were all drinking (colleagues from college) and somehow he and I were alone. I don't remember how did that happen (I was too drunk), I also don't remember when exactly he sat next to me and my legs were in his lap and he was touching my legs. I was really unaware because of all the alcohol (it's not an excuse) and we hugged and I kissed his neck. He was asking how much better he is than my boyfriend and kept asking me differences between him and my boyfriend. After that I went to the bathroom and I threw up, we went home. On the way to the bus stop, we held hands and we almost kissed. He asked if I wanted this and I said no. I held his hand in more of a comforting sense (I know that sounds stupid, but I really did). After that happened we had some close moments, but nothing happened, no kissing, no hugging, I kissed him on the cheek when I said nothing can happen (again to say I'm sorry for everything but I know now it was a mistake for even kissing him on the cheek), I said that nothing can happen between us. I also said to him that I love my boyfriend and I'm sorry for everything. That happened 3 months ago, I haven't told my boyfriend, but I will, he deserves to know that I'm a piece of sh**. I regret it all and the guilt is killing me so much that I've started hurting myself because I hate myself for being this way to the only man I ever loved and will ever love and that is my boyfriend. Please help deal with this, any advice on how to tell my boyfriend.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Often times when we feel we need to tell our partner something that we've done, it's to absolve our own guilt. To somehow give us relief. It might do that, but in return you have now cause someone else pain. In some ways, it's a selfish act.

    You held someones hand and almost kissed, yet you told him no. You drank too much but still showed restraint.
    I would write this off as a lesson learned and a wake up call.

    Don't put yourself in vulnerable situations like this again and talk to your boyfriend about how to better improve your relationship.
    Spare him the details about how you `almost' cheated.

  3. #3

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    If I don't tell him I feel like I'm lying and he deserves to know the truth because that's how our relationship has always been. And I can't be living in a lie.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sarah322
    ut for I long time I was unhappy and I felt neglected, when I told him about it, he apologized and gave me the attention that I needed but it lasted for a short period of time because it was something that always bugged me and something I told him about. About 3 months ago, I was crying everyday because I felt lonely because my boyfriend and I didn't see each other for almost 20 days (even though we live 45-50 minutes away), he told me to push through it because of college responsibilites and we will see each other when we do. .
    If you were honest with yourself, could it be you are looking for reason to end a relationship that you may have outgrown and is no longer meeting your needs?

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  6. #5
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    Wait... let me get this straight. You kissed this guy on the cheek, held his hand and flung your legs over him? No. That’s not cheating. Rule of thumb: if you’d do it with your grandma, it’s not cheating. Lol!

    Yes, you behaved inappropriately and regrettably. And no, you probably shouldn’t have done that... (so stop it!)... but frankly, if you talk to your boyfriend about how you “cheated” over this - you are just stirring up drama for nothing.

    I can say with 100% confidence that if my own partner did this one night, regretted it, never did it again, and limited/cut contact with that person - I’d really rather simply not know.

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    If you were honest with yourself, could it be you are looking for reason to end a relationship that you may have outgrown and is no longer meeting your needs?
    I don't want my relationship to end, I really, truly do love him and I know sometimes he has trouble showing his love, but when I needed him the most, he was there for me. And before we were together, we were best friends.

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    Wait... let me get this straight. You kissed this guy on the cheek, held his hand and flung your legs over him? No. That’s not cheating. Rule of thumb: if you’d do it with your grandma, it’s not cheating. Lol!

    Then why do I feel really guilty about this?


    Yes, you behaved inappropriately and regrettably. And no, you probably shouldn’t have done that... (so stop it!)... but frankly, if you talk to your boyfriend about how you “cheated” over this - you are just stirring up drama for nothing.

    I never ever want to do that again.

    I can say with 100% confidence that if my own partner did this one night, regretted it, never did it again, and limited/cut contact with that person - I’d really rather simply not know.
    But I feel like he needs to know that I made a mistake.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I think you feel like he needs to feel like he has to hedge his studies against the possibility of you kissing other dudes and holding their hands while he's cramming. Or allegedly cramming. I don't know. I don't know the guy to judge your boyfriend positively or negatively. 20 days is a long time to go without seeing your girlfriend of three years, but then again you could drive out to him and meet him for lunch just as well.

    What I do know is we're being told a story just mild enough to duck the metrics of what's generally considered cheating. Be honest, what are the odds you think, after nearly three years together, her forgives you vs. dumps you? 75/25? Conventional wisdom and common sense would dictate you shoulder the guilt, get yourself in check so something like this doesn't repeat itself, and act in a way that doesn't needlessly potentially destroy someone you allegedly love's sense of trust. Whether that means acknowledging you two aren't a fit and dumping him without dumping your guilt onto him, or realizing *he's the one* and forgiving yourself in order to carry on with him. I know you're young, but you're not stupid. There's no benefit to him knowing. And any benefit there would be is attached to your own motivations.

    Just be a decent person. Never too late for it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    I think you feel like he needs to feel like he has to hedge his studies against the possibility of you kissing other dudes and holding their hands while he's cramming.
    ahhh . . . Good catch.
    that could explain the strong urge to tell him.

  11. #10

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    ahhh . . . Good catch.
    that could explain the strong urge to tell him.
    If it means anything I am the one who studies harder than him in college. I do feel like both of us could have made time for each other.

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