I cheated and I regret it so much

[Editionml3]

Thank you, I wish I believed that.

If you ever need anything let me know

[tiredofvampires]

But doesn't that make me a bad person? Because I lied and didn't give him a chance to make a decision about us.

 

Sarah, pardon me for having only read a couple of pages of the thread, and if any of this has been already said.

 

I think you have a problem, but it's not being a bad person for what you did or considering not telling him.

 

The problem is that you probably ask yourself on a regular basis if you're a "bad person", and don't think much of yourself. In fact, it seems that you disrespect yourself at best, and there's even some self-loathing there. I think this episode is probably just a manifestation of a chronic level of unhappiness with yourself and how you feel about your life. And this was just a path of least resistance and distraction from those feelings.

 

Getting that drunk is never a sign of self-respect, in that you're making yourself vulnerable to injury, abuse, or other types of destructive behavior. Now, you are feeling so ashamed, you say you've been hurting yourself -- even though you didn't actually "cheat". But you clearly feel that you deserve to be punished, if not by him, by yourself. I disagree that there is anything selfish about your wanting to confess, or a power move, or anything self-serving in that sense. What I do think is that you're perhaps unconsciously feeling undeserving of him, and you'd rather see him kick you off the cliff (which would affirm your own view of yourself that you're a "piece of s***") than preserve the relationship. Your posts are just screaming with self-destruction. I think that in an unconscious way, you were seeking to sabotage the relationship with an infraction small enough to throw you into a state of doubt, but large enough to make you seek the flagellation you play out in your head continually.

 

I'm with you about wanting to be honest and open with a partner about anything that I have gone through. I don't want a relationship where I keep secrets. It may just be me, but I think having to hide such things is a sign of weakness, or at least, some level of wearing masks in a relationship, and if both parties really want to grow together, they'll face truth together and work from there. However, the way you're talking demonstrates a more concerning self-image that was already not healthy before these circumstances presented and you "slipped."

 

My suggestion is that you seek counseling to figure out what you want out of a relationship, this one in particular, what you want out of your life, and issues from your life that are unresolved from your personal history. Start putting some pieces together. This situation is only a symptom. Find the root cause of the behavior and your reactions to it. And for NOW, don't tell him. Then, when you are feeling stronger and not so vulnerable and fragile and self-sabotaging, and when this relationship feels more solid to you -- or, as the case may be, it's fallen apart because of other causes (which could happen -- for all you know, he's out-and-out slept with someone there already, or you'll find out in therapy that this actually isn't a healthy relationship for you) -- you can come clean. Being honest doesn't mean it has to happen right now -- it should happen when the time is right.

 

You need to be standing on firm ground, having more self-worth, before you ask for another helping of condemnation and rebuke from another person. Right now, it would only serve as a metaphorical razor cutting your arm: relieving in the moment because you're getting the pain "out", but unproductive, scarring, and messy.

[tiredofvampires]

Okay, I just read 2 pages back.

 

First, shame on people for so quickly jumping to your being a troll. This is not Facebook, even though we do get some trolls here.

 

Also, I'm glad you brought up the need to feel punished, for recognizing this is how your brain is ticking. And that you're seeing a therapist soon. Good move, you said so before I did! Please do that and don't quit. I think you have a lot to work out that as I said is far beyond just this one incident. Thinking that you are a bad person wasn't born overnight or with too much booze. Deep down, you probably wonder if you deserve love from anyone, however mediocre or lacking the relationship.

 

Take care of yourself and good luck with the therapy. A good therapist will know how to take it step by step with you.

[tiredofvampires]

And one last thing, Sarah: If your boyfriend couldn't forgive you for this, he has yet to learn a few things about his own expectations about perfection, and if he would like to be judged by the same standards.

[sarah322]

Sarah, pardon me for having only read a couple of pages of the thread, and if any of this has been already said.

 

I think you have a problem, but it's not being a bad person for what you did or considering not telling him.

 

The problem is that you probably ask yourself on a regular basis if you're a "bad person", and don't think much of yourself. In fact, it seems that you disrespect yourself at best, and there's even some self-loathing there. I think this episode is probably just a manifestation of a chronic level of unhappiness with yourself and how you feel about your life. And this was just a path of least resistance and distraction from those feelings.

 

Getting that drunk is never a sign of self-respect, in that you're making yourself vulnerable to injury, abuse, or other types of destructive behavior. Now, you are feeling so ashamed, you say you've been hurting yourself -- even though you didn't actually "cheat". But you clearly feel that you deserve to be punished, if not by him, by yourself. I disagree that there is anything selfish about your wanting to confess, or a power move, or anything self-serving in that sense. What I do think is that you're perhaps unconsciously feeling undeserving of him, and you'd rather see him kick you off the cliff (which would affirm your own view of yourself that you're a "piece of s***") than preserve the relationship. Your posts are just screaming with self-destruction. I think that in an unconscious way, you were seeking to sabotage the relationship with an infraction small enough to throw you into a state of doubt, but large enough to make you seek the flagellation you play out in your head continually.

 

I'm with you about wanting to be honest and open with a partner about anything that I have gone through. I don't want a relationship where I keep secrets. It may just be me, but I think having to hide such things is a sign of weakness, or at least, some level of wearing masks in a relationship, and if both parties really want to grow together, they'll face truth together and work from there. However, the way you're talking demonstrates a more concerning self-image that was already not healthy before these circumstances presented and you "slipped."

 

My suggestion is that you seek counseling to figure out what you want out of a relationship, this one in particular, what you want out of your life, and issues from your life that are unresolved from your personal history. Start putting some pieces together. This situation is only a symptom. Find the root cause of the behavior and your reactions to it. And for NOW, don't tell him. Then, when you are feeling stronger and not so vulnerable and fragile and self-sabotaging, and when this relationship feels more solid to you -- or, as the case may be, it's fallen apart because of other causes (which could happen -- for all you know, he's out-and-out slept with someone there already, or you'll find out in therapy that this actually isn't a healthy relationship for you) -- you can come clean. Being honest doesn't mean it has to happen right now -- it should happen when the time is right.

 

You need to be standing on firm ground, having more self-worth, before you ask for another helping of condemnation and rebuke from another person. Right now, it would only serve as a metaphorical razor cutting your arm: relieving in the moment because you're getting the pain "out", but unproductive, scarring, and messy.

 

I have been feeling unhappy, anxious for a long time.

 

Since we became a couple, I've told him numerous times that I don't deserve him and that I'm not good enough and he deserves better. He would always say that that's not true and I'm talking nonsense. But now I realise that I indeed don't deserve him because of what I did.

 

I am afraid to tell him what I did because it is going to hurt him and it's going to haunt me for hurting him and that I am the source of his unhappiness.

[sarah322]

Okay, I just read 2 pages back.

 

First, shame on people for so quickly jumping to your being a troll. This is not Facebook, even though we do get some trolls here.

 

Also, I'm glad you brought up the need to feel punished, for recognizing this is how your brain is ticking. And that you're seeing a therapist soon. Good move, you said so before I did! Please do that and don't quit. I think you have a lot to work out that as I said is far beyond just this one incident. Thinking that you are a bad person wasn't born overnight or with too much booze. Deep down, you probably wonder if you deserve love from anyone, however mediocre or lacking the relationship.

 

Take care of yourself and good luck with the therapy. A good therapist will know how to take it step by step with you.

 

I've always thought of myself as a bad person, because sometimes I disappoint people, I don't have that many friends, my best friend and the only true friend I have is my boyfriend. And when I tell him all of this, I am going to lose him and I don't think I would survive that.

[sarah322]

And one last thing, Sarah: If your boyfriend couldn't forgive you for this, he has yet to learn a few things about his own expectations about perfection, and if he would like to be judged by the same standards.

 

He would never ever do something like this, he is mentally stable and healthy and he doesn't even talk to other girls that much because it doesn't interest him. When I started hanging out with my collegeau, it was all just friendly, but then it went downhill.

 

I want to thank you for your advice and having time to read all of this and also I appreaciate that you don't think I'm a troll. I've been feeling really disgusted with myself and I came here for some advice.

[Editionml3]

It's ok you will be fine

[MissCanuck]

OP, I do think that regardless of whether you tell him or not, you need to seriously consider if you truly want this relationship anymore.

 

It sounds like your whole life essentially revolves around him, which isn't particularly healthy anyway, but that you might be ready to see what else is out there. You are very young and it's normal to be curious. It doesn't make you a terrible person. Obviously, you need to explore that curiosity on your own time and not when you are someone's girlfriend. It does seem to me that you are reacting out of fear of hurting your boyfriend rather than a genuine desire to continue the relationship.

[katrina1980]

Sarah, I'm lost.

 

Can you explain again how it is you cheated? Or believe you cheated?

 

What I read is that you averted cheating, by avoiding his kiss and shutting him down.

 

So again if you would clarify your thought process, why you think shutting a man down is cheating,,, it would be helpful.

 

I think if you tell your bf, he will be happy to hear you shut this guy down, did not kiss him, nothing happened.

 

The exact opposite of what you're thinking will happen!

 

Why are you beating yourself up over this?

 

Why do you think you're this horrible person? The self-hate.

 

That is more troubling than whatever happened (or did not happen) with that other guy.

[Editionml3]

Sarah, I'm lost.

 

Can you explain again how it is you cheated? Or believe you cheated?

 

What I read is that you averted cheating, by avoiding his kiss and shutting him down.

 

So again if you would clarify your thought process, why you think shutting a man down is cheating,,, it would be helpful.

 

I think if you tell your bf, he will be happy to hear you shut this guy down, did not kiss him, nothing happened.

 

The exact opposite of what you're thinking will happen!

 

Why are you beating yourself up over this?

 

Why do you think you're this horrible person? The self-hate.

 

That is more troubling than whatever happened (or did not happen) with that other guy.

She kissed him on the neck put her legs over his lap and allowed him to touch her thighs and legs. Then proceeded with holding hands and be secluded with the guy. I'm not sure if you read everything or not lol

[katrina1980]

She kissed him on the neck put her legs over his lap and allowed him to touch her thighs and legs. Then proceeded with holding hands and be secluded with the guy. I'm not sure if you read everything or not lol

 

I suppose in that case it comes down to intention.

 

OP, when you were in that moment with this guy, having your legs over his lap and kissing his neck, what was your intention?

 

Did you want to have sex with him in that moment? Were you thinking about your bf at all while doing these things?

 

Kudos to you for ultimately shutting it down but yeah I would consider this cheating.

 

Heck, folks on this forum believe chatting/flirting with others on line is a form of cheating, emotional cheating, so not quite sure why some don't consider this a form of cheating.

 

Regardless, you behaved poorly that's for sure, but shyt happens. You are not perfect, no one is! Including your boyfriend.

 

We all make mistakes.

 

So you have a choice, you can continue beating yourself up or you could tell him, communicate. I know novel idea., lol.

 

You were lonely, had not seen your bf in 20 days, felt he was neglecting you and you acted out. And you regret it. Own your mistake. Apologize.

 

I dunno sometimes these types of things can bring a couple closer, if they can communicate, are open to listening to each other, with the goal of understanding and resolving.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide.

[Editionml3]

I suppose in that case it comes down to intention.

 

OP, when you were in that moment with this guy, having your legs over his lap and kissing his neck, what was your intention?

 

Did you want to have sex with him in that moment? Were you thinking about your bf at all while doing these things?

 

Kudos to you for ultimately shutting it down but yeah I would consider this cheating.

 

Heck, folks on this forum believe chatting/flirting with others on line is a form of cheating, emotional cheating, so not quite sure why some don't consider this a form of cheating.

 

Regardless, you behaved poorly that's for sure, but shyt happens. You are not perfect, no one is! Including your boyfriend.

 

We all make mistakes.

 

So you have a choice, you can continue beating yourself up or you could tell him, communicate. I know novel idea., lol.

 

You were lonely, had not seen your bf in 20 days, felt he was neglecting you and you acted out. And you regret it. Own your mistake. Apologize.

 

I dunno sometimes these types of things can bring a couple closer, if they can communicate, are open to listening to each other, with the goal of understanding and resolving.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide.

We do consider it cheating well I do at least I mean it doesn't matter what her intentions were she still kissed the dude on the neck. And was all over him holding hands and letting him caress her. Whatever the intentions were it is irrelevant. What is relevant is her actions (cheating). If a guy did this to you girls it would be world war 88. So let's not play this off and let people think it's ok. Remember we have tons of viewers reading this. I don't want everyone to go out getting drunk kissing the opposite sex of the neck and holding hands thinking it's ok to do since that's what everyone on this form is suggesting lol. ITS NOT OKAY

[Editionml3]

We do consider it cheating well I do at least I mean it doesn't matter what her intentions were she still kissed the dude on the neck. And was all over him holding hands and letting him caress her. Whatever the intentions were it is irrelevant. What is relevant is her actions (cheating). If a guy did this to you girls it would be world war 88. So let's not play this off and let people think it's ok. Remember we have tons of viewers reading this. I don't want everyone to go out getting drunk kissing the opposite sex of the neck and holding hands thinking it's ok to do since that's what everyone on this form is suggesting lol. ITS NOT OKAY

Wish I could edit my misspelled words lol

[katrina1980]

Oh hell, I never said it was okay and if you think I did, you mis-read my post.

 

I also agreed with you it was cheating, but disagree about intention.

 

But have absolutely no desire to debate with you, you have your opinion and I have mine, which is fine.

 

Except to say your opinion is the typical male mind set, based on EGO, again my opinion.

 

I know for me, I am able to separate my ego from my emotions, and look to understand versus to accuse and judge.

 

As I said, no one is perfect. Including her bf who she said had been neglecting her.

 

Not his fault she did what she did, but it's not something to dismiss either..

[Capricorn3]

Since we became a couple, I've told him numerous times that I don't deserve him and that I'm not good enough and he deserves better.

Be careful. That kind of behaviour will only backfire on you and you will forever lose every boyfriend/relationship you ever have. I would strongly recommend therapy/counselling to help you figure out where to major low self-esteem is coming from and why. You need to work on all of your issues a good long while if you ever want a happy, healthy and successful relationship.

[sarah322]

Be careful. That kind of behaviour will only backfire on you and you will forever lose every boyfriend/relationship you ever have. I would strongly recommend therapy/counselling to help you figure out where to major low self-esteem is coming from and why. You need to work on all of your issues a good long while if you ever want a happy, healthy and successful relationship.

 

Can I message you? I have questions

[Editionml3]

Oh hell, I never said it was okay and if you think I did, you mis-read my post.

 

I also agreed with you it was cheating, but disagree about intention.

 

But have absolutely no desire to debate with you, you have your opinion and I have mine, which is fine.

 

Except to say your opinion is the typical male mind set, based on EGO, again my opinion.

 

I know for me, I am able to separate my ego from my emotions, and look to understand versus to accuse and judge.

 

As I said, no one is perfect. Including her bf who she said had been neglecting her.

 

Not his fault she did what she did, but it's not something to dismiss either..

Yes and your opinion is typical female mindset always one minded. This is why relationships never last. Kudos to you

[katrina1980]

 

Yes and your opinion is typical female mindset always one minded.

 

 

So is yours mate, so I guess that makes us even.

 

Kudos to you too! Lol

[Editionml3]

So is yours mate, so I guess that makes us even.

 

Kudos to you too! Lol

Hahahaha. Kudos Katrina hahaha. That was a nice reply I appreciate you.

[MissCanuck]

Be careful. That kind of behaviour will only backfire on you and you will forever lose every boyfriend/relationship you ever have. I would strongly recommend therapy/counselling to help you figure out where to major low self-esteem is coming from and why. You need to work on all of your issues a good long while if you ever want a happy, healthy and successful relationship.

 

This.

 

The inappropriate behavior with this other guy is a symptom of bigger problems, OP.

[Editionml3]

Yes seems like you just like feeling accepted. Plus it shows your lack of self esteem. So all someone has to do is make you feel good about yourself..I say work on your self so you won't need anyone. my ex was low self-esteem and I was there with her thru all the emoness and nagging and self blame but that gets old. It's just going to drive the man away. And he's going to end up pushing you away...#facts

[Metaltwin70]

Wait... let me get this straight. You kissed this guy on the cheek, held his hand and flung your legs over him? No. That’s not cheating. Rule of thumb: if you’d do it with your grandma, it’s not cheating. Lol!

 

Yes, you behaved inappropriately and regrettably. And no, you probably shouldn’t have done that... (so stop it!)... but frankly, if you talk to your boyfriend about how you “cheated” over this - you are just stirring up drama for nothing.

 

I can say with 100% confidence that if my own partner did this one night, regretted it, never did it again, and limited/cut contact with that person - I’d really rather simply not know.

 

Completely agree.

[Jewels465]

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. There isn’t one person on this post, or in the world who haven’t made mistakes that they wish they could take back. We are all human, so that means mistakes happen from time to time. Just try and learn from it. Stop being hard on yourself, please!

 

Just resolve the situation in your own mind by deciding that you will never be in a situation like that again with the opposite sex.

[rflor]

We do consider it cheating well I do at least I mean it doesn't matter what her intentions were she still kissed the dude on the neck. And was all over him holding hands and letting him caress her. Whatever the intentions were it is irrelevant. What is relevant is her actions (cheating). If a guy did this to you girls it would be world war 88. So let's not play this off and let people think it's ok. Remember we have tons of viewers reading this. I don't want everyone to go out getting drunk kissing the opposite sex of the neck and holding hands thinking it's ok to do since that's what everyone on this form is suggesting lol. ITS NOT OKAY

 

Agree 100%