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Thread: Getting over emotionally abusive relationship and success stories???

  1. #1
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    Getting over emotionally abusive relationship and success stories???

    Hi,

    So I just got out of this emotionally abusive relationship with this angry guy. I think deep down I know he wasn't the one for me and I've accepted that.

    Lately I've been looking back and noticing that I wanted all of our cute moments, but that didn't mean I necessarily wanted them with him... I just wanted them in general. This has gotten me curious about maybe getting back out there.

    Thing is, I've opened myself completely to my ex and I feel exhausted thinking that I have to do it all over again. He knows about my struggles and my family and doesn't judge me and I'm terrified that I'll have to open myself up like that to someone else and it makes me crave this toxic relationship again because it was safe. I didn't open up to him instantly, it happened gradually so I know it's possible.

    I'm just terrified of getting back out there. My ex had painted me as the abusive one for seven months of my life, I'm scared it's me. I'm also terrified that I won't find better and I'm not sure how long after my break up should I wait because when I wait I feel like I'm sad about him but when I'm making steps towards something new, I feel like I'm understanding that this was a bad relationship and that there's other men out there.

    I also don't have friends to talk to about this. I've lost a lot of friends because of this relationship and I sit home alone a lot but before, I had a boyfriend to sit home alone with and now I'm just healing from this alone. I never wanted to be that girl that says goodbye to all her friends because of a relationship but I was stupid and did. Now I have no one and I'm not sure how to reach out or make new friends.

    I talked about a future with this emotionally abusive angry guy and I'm left feeling unwanted and rejected and now I'm rebuilding my life and I don't know where to start?


    If you were ever in my situation did you find your way through it? Did you heal? Did you find someone better for you? I just need success stories because I feel emotionally beat up and I just want to find love like real love and I don't want to be hurt like that anymore.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Therapy to unpack and explore all this would help stopping the cycle of picking bad men. Also reconnect to friends, classmates, coworkers, family, etc. But not to use them for therapy or keep talking about this.

    Also start a self esteem boosting and self improvement plan. Get in shape, update your clothes, hair etc. Join some clubs and groups. Take some courses and classes. Find support groups that address your concerns.

    The good news is you want normal good things like a happy dating experience. Do some research on red flags fro controlling/abusive relationships and become an expert at spotting them before you are in this deep.

    In fact you don't "have to do it all over again" because much of what you've been doing has led to these things. You need a new approach and fresh perspective, such as not sharing this much about your damaged past or family or whatever. Again that is for therapy or support groups, not for friends or bfs. One of the best ways to avoid toxic relationships is to not be toxic.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Well considering you broke up with him last weekend Iím going to assume you arenít ready just yet.

    I think what youíre in is what I describe as mania. Youíre hurting and that hurt is painful and scary so youíre going kinda crazy looking at every angle to try to stop the hurt the thoughts the everything.

    Slow down, breathe, itís going to be ok.

    To answer your question, I was physically abused, I did find my way through it. I did heal, I want to say it took roughly 2 months before the world stopped spinning and I could see clearly. I have dated better, unfortunately I am not a Ďsuccess storyí under the parameters that you set. I have found love as in self love, still a work in progress but I am comfortable with myself more than Iíve ever been. I have found love via my support system of friends and family and with all that I know whatever happens, Iíll be ok.

    One day at a time. Youíre going to make it through.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You just broke up with him, so the emotions are raw.

    Please don't try to jump back into dating, because that will likely land you in another unhealthy situation. That doesn't mean that you have to sit home alone, feeling sad.

    Write down all the things that you like to do. You might have to actually think about it, but do the exercise even if your first thought is "I don't know, I've got nothing." Look back before you met him. You had a life and interests. Make that list of things you'd enjoy doing or would like to try. Like maybe you've always been curious about yoga, so go take a class. Look up meetup.com - lots of social groups where you can do fun things with people and meet new friends while you are at it. Look up local events. Depending where you live, might have all kinds of cute fun things to do, like ladies' art and wine class or whatever.

    If you make a list of things to do and make yourself step out and start doing things, it will help you to get your confidence back, realize that you are fine and that there is definitely a fun life outside of putting up with an angry, abusive bf.

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  6. #5
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    Hi my love,
    Reading this was like reliving my experience all over again. I think accepting this was a toxic relationship is half of the battle. Its admitting to yourself that this behaviour isn't normal. And it hurts like hell, you feel sick to your stomach and like you couldn't possibly live your life without this person. I get that. I won't sugar coat it for you, it's a hard and long battle. Your emotions will be up and down for a while. I was with my ex for two and a half years, I was also branded the toxic one. But I knew it wasn't me. Yes I had issues, but I knew I wasn't capable of the things he did. Controlling and abusive people are the absolute masters of manipulation- even if they aren't fully aware of what they are doing. I struggled really hard with it, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I had regular panic attacks, I was too anxious to leave my own house, I was scared what people would think of me, that they would think I was foolish for not leaving sooner. I lost so much weight, I wasn't happy. And right after I ended it I felt so lost. This person had controlled my every movement for so long that now I felt like I had no idea how the world worked or what I was allowed to do. I can remember the first time I went shopping after that, I was an anxious mess, I kept checking my phone, I had panic attacks, I was terrified every time my phone went off even though he was no longer in my life. He'd write abusive status' about me on social media and tell all of my friends I was a bad person. But luckily they saw through it.

    Its been a hard battle inside my own head, its still sometimes even now hard to tell what is considered normal and what isn't. I didn't have the best coping mechanism, I slept around a bit, just to take my mind off of things, I didn't want to feel alone but the thought of commitment was the scariest thing in the world to me. I visited a councillor on the odd occasion which helped me manage my emotions and relax a little more with every day life. Its almost been a year since I left this guy, and sometimes even now I have bad days where I feel too anxious to do anything. I've been with my new boyfriend now 3 months and he's so different and tries his absolute best to understand which does help a lot. But jumping into a relationship straight away isn't the answer. You should maybe consider staying alone for a while and taking care of your own mental wellbeing. Your mental health is the most important thing at such an early stage. Even if you have to spend hours alone, go for a walk, read your favourite book, watch movies (How To Be Single would be my recommendation, its hilarious and also brings meaning to how great it is to actually have this time to yourself). Its a lengthy process but it does get easier to cope with!!! Feel free to private message me at any time, I know how it felt to have no one to speak to, so my private messenger is always open to you!xx

  7. #6
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    Yes.. as a male, I was mentally/emotionally abused by an ex-gf. I also studied DV for many years before that happened to me (over 10+) and it has been something i've continually studied most of my life. Here some things that will hopefully help:

    1. Realize that EVERYTHING you are thinking, your doubts, thoughts, fears, etc. - that was ALL part of the abuser programming of the victim's mind. ALL OF IT. Think of it - take any thought you are having (e.g. "i'm afraid i might not ever find better") and I guarantee you if you really think back, you'll notice that your abuser pounded that into your head and repeatedly said that to you. It is no different for every other thing you are thinking, fearing, and concerned and scared about in getting back out there.

    2. Realize that because your mind has been altered by your abuser, it will take time to "un-program" your brain back to normal - aka "the way you used to be and think" before you ever met your abuser. To help with this, think a LOT MORE about your past BEFORE you met your abuser or any other abuser you have been with. don't dwell and think about the abusive relaitonhip, but what you were BEFORE you were abused. Most likely you will find a very social, had fun hobbies, had a lot of fun and was very positive and the world couldn't stop you person at some point. That is the REAL you. And the "now you" is how drastically your mind has been re-programmed so that the abuser could keep abusing you.

    3. Realize that an unhealthy level of insecurity is the foundation for abuse being successful. It is these same fears (needing to be liked, needing or wanting a relationship, afraid to be alone, afraid to be disliked or thought badly of by anybody) that allowed the abuser to manipulate and program your brain to be conducive to their abusve towards you. If you know that somebody is very insecure about their image - all they have to do is dump constantly on yoru image to make you cower and comply with what they tell you will make you have a better image with them - this is the programming process for abuse. Another example.. if they know you absolutely are afraid to be alone, all they have to do is continuously threaten to leave or do things (like cheat, flirt with other people, etc.) to make you fear them leaving you and you will do even more to keep them (even beg). Again... this is the foundation for programming your brain.

    Can you get out of this? Yes.
    Is it difficult and takes a lot of time? Yes. You need to commit and dedicate to the long-haul of re-programming yourself back to get over this. You can not jump back into the "easy comfort zone" of being back with somebody that flatters you and then can easily manipulate your fears again to put you right back into abuse. You must be able to confidently say you no longer fear your insecurities (such as being alone, how people think of you, etc.)

    Would a professional help you? Immensely yes if you have the ability to see one.

    In the end: life without fear or worrying about what others think of you, even when they put you down - is fantastic! you own your life again and aren't dependent upon everybody else or your happiness or sense of well being. You do what you want, with whom you want, and enjoy it without a care for criticism by others or judgement. It's a much better way to live and far more stress free. And when you have this type of life in which you are filled with modest confidence (rather than fear and insecurity), you become your most desirable and healthy you - which then attracts the more healthy and desirable mates towards you.

    Good luck and as a student of DV and former victim - please know you can always hit me up directly at any time with any questions or just to sound off if needed and it would be helpful..

    Believe in you like you used to before all of this happened.
    Rebuild yourself before venturing out to try and find happiness with another.
    Happiness comes from within, not thru a relationship.
    Happy relationships happen between 2 happy people - not 2 damaged people.

    Good luck.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Considering an average breakup takes time to heal from, you need to double that from the abuse you've experienced.
    Therapy helped me tremendously. That and a considerable amount of time.

    I would strongly suggest you not consider dating for the time being. It's a lonely times. I get that.
    But most of the loneliness you might be experiencing is due to a lack of self.
    We give up ourselves when we stay in an abusive relationship.

    If you push through it and do the work you can come out the side a newer, stronger version of yourself.
    It's a hard lesson to learn that I don't wish on anyone.
    I am a different person today and I like who I am and enjoy my own company.
    I have a great boyfriend now, but I don't believe he would have come into my life if I was the empty shell of person I was, post abuse.

    Hang in there. Come here and vent anytime.
    A lot of us have experienced this. I hope we can help.

  9. #8
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    Yes. After an abusive marriage, I met a kind, emotionally stable, funny and intelligent man who is the love of my life. It took support groups for codependecy, counseling form the women's shelter, a short stint on anxiety meds, going for walks and getting healthy and focusing on getting myself on track, but it did happen. But you do have to take that time to ensure you don't get right back where you started just with a different guy

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I hope you'll consider reading this post I just wrote to someone else, as it applies well to your situation, too. It's far too early to focus on dating again right now. Premature dating is the stuff that drives people to accept bad matches in an attempt to avoid being alone. Stabilize first, SOLO. you will thank yourself later.

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