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Why does NC help get your ex back?


ineedahug

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Disclaimer - Hello everyone. I would first like to say thank you for this forum/site for helping me get better through this rough breakup. The insight and support is amazing. That being said I am going to list some stuff I should clarify before going on

- I know NC isn't a manipulation tool

- I know it's suppose to be for the dumpee to help grow and work on oneself.

- However I do eventually want to get my ex back but I have a lot of questions lol.

Btw I am a 20 (F) my ex is 21 (M)

I am 3 weeks of NC right now

 

So every reconciliation story I've read (nearly hundreds) just on this site alone NC has been crucial in them reconnecting later. My question is why?

Isn't the point of a breakup is that the dumper doesn't want contact with their ex?

Wouldn't the dumper be happy that the dumpee isn't reaching out since that's what they wanted in the first place?

If anything wouldn't they be angry if the dumpee doesn't reach out for months and then one day just pops up again?

So why is it that no contact can help towards forgiveness if it just seems like something the dumper wants anyway?

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i don' think the no contact is the "key" to getting back together. That would be the wrong way to see this.

It is more that if there is to be any hope for a future anything (relationship or friendship) - you need to take a break from each other and no contact is the best way to do that. But it doesn't GUARANTEE a future friendship or relationship will happen. It just means that if you insist on continuing to be in contact - for sure that gives you the LEAST chance of having a successful and healthy friendship or relationship in the future.

 

The best way to explain this is: "to be able to have a healthy friendship or relationship down the road, you must first UN-LEARN the unhealthy relationships/friendship you currently have."

 

Contact is continuation. If it didn't wrk now, continuing contact will only ensure it continues to NOT work now. To make your fortunes change you need to end contact so you can start over. But again, it doesn't guarantee it WILL work.. it just gives you the best chance for it to work if it ever will.

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You have two choices if you want to get back together with an ex who dumped you.

 

Act desperate and clingy, by constantly contacting them and try to win them back. I've seen several friends do this and they drove the other person away further.

 

Or don't contact them all all. Enjoy life and be happy, which is not what they expected. Maybe they realise they made a mistake and give you a chance in the near future, but there is no certainty in this method.

 

I prefer to be happy and find someone better than my ex. The other options don't make sense. Who would want to get back with someone who rejected you???

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i don' think the no contact is the "key" to getting back together. That would be the wrong way to see this.

It is more that if there is to be any hope for a future anything (relationship or friendship) - you need to take a break from each other and no contact is the best way to do that. But it doesn't GUARANTEE a future friendship or relationship will happen. It just means that if you insist on continuing to be in contact - for sure that gives you the LEAST chance of having a successful and healthy friendship or relationship in the future.

 

The best way to explain this is: "to be able to have a healthy friendship or relationship down the road, you must first UN-LEARN the unhealthy relationships/friendship you currently have."

 

Contact is continuation. If it didn't wrk now, continuing contact will only ensure it continues to NOT work now. To make your fortunes change you need to end contact so you can start over. But again, it doesn't guarantee it WILL work.. it just gives you the best chance for it to work if it ever will.

 

Thanks! and yeah I see what you mean it makes me feel a lot better understanding the psyche of it

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No contact isn't just so the dumper can grow and "improve". It is so both individuals in the relationship can rebuild their lives without one another. The goal of NC, in my opinion, is to disconnect and learn how to meet one's own needs completely separate from the previous relationship. In the beginning stages, a big part of that is the grief process, which you are currently going through.

 

Work on accepting that the relationship is over and act as if you'll never get back together. The fact is, the two of you wouldn't have broken up if it was working, and a few months or even a year probably won't change realistically change that.

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Yes I have

 

Maybe read up on it a bit. It might help give you a break from the tunnel vision you’re in with analyzing NC and reconciliation stories.

 

NC is a very simple concept, it’s not about anger or giving your ex what they want. It’s about self preservation and respecting the wishes of that person. The potential bonus to that self preservation is your ex has enough time away from you to start to miss you and potentially regret leaving. It’s certainly not a guarantee but like you pointed out is often a piece of the puzzle. I think someone else pointed it out, but it bears repeating. What attracts you to potential mates, is it desperation and neediness and tears? Of course not so why would stating in their orbit help? Staying in their orbit is completely about the dumpee and their need to either soothe their anxiety and/or stop the fear that they will be forgotten or replaced. And ironically often times when a dumpee insists on staying in touch it’s to sooth their own guilt and/or anxiety, it’s a lot easier to date when you believe you have a safety net. Theres just really no need to stay in contact with an ex immediately following a breakup, it’s a very vulnerable and confusing time for the both of you and it’s best to get some breathing room.

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Maybe read up on it a bit. It might help give you a break from the tunnel vision you’re in with analyzing NC and reconciliation stories.

 

NC is a very simple concept, it’s not about anger or giving your ex what they want. It’s about self preservation and respecting the wishes of that person. The potential bonus to that self preservation is your ex has enough time away from you to start to miss you and potentially regret leaving. It’s certainly not a guarantee but like you pointed out is often a piece of the puzzle. I think someone else pointed it out, but it bears repeating. What attracts you to potential mates, is it desperation and neediness and tears? Of course not so why would stating in their orbit help? Staying in their orbit is completely about the dumpee and their need to either soothe their anxiety and/or stop the fear that they will be forgotten or replaced. And ironically often times when a dumpee insists on staying in touch it’s to sooth their own guilt and/or anxiety, it’s a lot easier to date when you believe you have a safety net. Theres just really no need to stay in contact with an ex immediately following a breakup, it’s a very vulnerable and confusing time for the both of you and it’s best to get some breathing room.

Wow this gave me amazing insight like really. You are right about the anxiety and forgetting part. I desperately wanted to call/text my ex right after the break up and ended up looking super desperate. Like really bad :( and in my head at the time I figured maybe he would take me back if he saw I loved him this much now looking back it was very needy and I needed my ex to basically call me those things to realize I needed to back the WAY off. I just figured since he didn’t want me to talk to him that NC would just make him happy but I see the reasoning behind it, he needs space and maybe with the space he’ll realize it isn’t what he wants. But nothing is guaranteed I just felt a little hopeless for a bit and this feedback helps a lot. Thank you very much

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Maybe read up on it a bit. It might help give you a break from the tunnel vision you’re in with analyzing NC and reconciliation stories.

 

NC is a very simple concept, it’s not about anger or giving your ex what they want. It’s about self preservation and respecting the wishes of that person. The potential bonus to that self preservation is your ex has enough time away from you to start to miss you and potentially regret leaving. It’s certainly not a guarantee but like you pointed out is often a piece of the puzzle. I think someone else pointed it out, but it bears repeating. What attracts you to potential mates, is it desperation and neediness and tears? Of course not so why would stating in their orbit help? Staying in their orbit is completely about the dumpee and their need to either soothe their anxiety and/or stop the fear that they will be forgotten or replaced. And ironically often times when a dumpee insists on staying in touch it’s to sooth their own guilt and/or anxiety, it’s a lot easier to date when you believe you have a safety net. Theres just really no need to stay in contact with an ex immediately following a breakup, it’s a very vulnerable and confusing time for the both of you and it’s best to get some breathing room.

 

I agree with everything everyone has said about NC, just wanted to add a bit to the part in bold. Many times (and there was even a big thread about it here by superdave I think some years ago ), the fact that the dumper has the dumpee orbiting around and offering their fake friendship, makes it so that the dumper has a safety net and can go on dating others and even get a relationship easier because they know they have a safety net, that the dumpee is there in case something happens with the new relationship. Also, they can have all the fun with the new person, because if they want emotional support they have the dumpee orbiting around for crumbles and so the new person doesn't need to assume that role. And yes, I call it fake friendship from the dumpee, because the dumpee is being friends in hopes that the dumper doesn't forget them and sees how amazing they are and wants to return, but this almost always backfires. The dumpee is orbiting around still in hopes and still in the bargaining fase even if they pretend to be cool with being friends and such.

 

But anyways, NC is for your own healing, to move on and to learn to live life by yourself and fulfil your own needs. If they come back or not, that's an extra. But yes, there's often more possibilities of them coming back if there's been a long period of NC than if the person keeps texting them and bargaining for them to come back. But for the relationship to work the second time, both need to have matured and solve what was causing the relationship not to work the first time. Maybe even making some sort of "reset".

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Getting back together is something both people have to want. It's not a matter of this or that technique to facilitate it. Most relationships end for reasons. Often those reasons do not really get resolved. There could be incompatibility, too much conflict, someone else, breach of trust etc. Or the feelings are gone.

 

There are so many moving parts in two people breaking up and even more in getting back together that something as simple as "no contact" is no magic bullet.

 

One person wanting to reconcile is often borne of loneliness, regret, inability to accept truths, etc. It usually has nothing to do with both people actually wanting to and getting back together after an epiphany that breaking up was a mistake. Most often these situations turn into on/off scenarios because fundamental unresolved issues remain combined with the inability to let go. Both of those aspects/reasons are unhealthy.

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Getting back together is something both people have to want. It's not a matter of this or that technique to facilitate it. Most relationships end for reasons. Often those reasons do not really get resolved. There could be incompatibility, too much conflict, someone else, breach of trust etc. Or the feelings are gone.

 

There are so many moving parts in two people breaking up and even more in getting back together that something as simple as "no contact" is no magic bullet.

 

One person wanting to reconcile is often borne of loneliness, regret, inability to accept truths, etc. It usually has nothing to do with both people actually wanting to and getting back together after an epiphany that breaking up was a mistake. Most often these situations turn into on/off scenarios because fundamental unresolved issues remain combined with the inability to let go. Both of those aspects/reasons are unhealthy.

If you’re saying that the only reason people reconcile is because of loneliness I don’t agree since I’ve seen cases where it’s been years and both people have been other people so they weren’t lonely just realized who they actually wanted to be with. I understand NC isn’t the magic bullet but I always wondered why it was so crucial for people but I can see why now

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If you’re saying that the only reason people reconcile is because of loneliness I don’t agree since I’ve seen cases where it’s been years and both people have been other people so they weren’t lonely just realized who they actually wanted to be with. I understand NC isn’t the magic bullet but I always wondered why it was so crucial for people but I can see why now

 

"One person wanting to reconcile is often borne of loneliness, regret, inability to accept truths, etc. "

 

He said "often". Not the "only" reason.

 

I did go back to an ex because I was lonely and feeling sorry for myself. And what a crap show that ended up being. I should have just powered through the loneliness.

 

And like we often say on here, how can your ex miss you if you're always lurking around? No one "misses" a hot fudge sundae right after they just ate one or if there are a dozen of them in the freezer.

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Good thread, this.

 

Odd as it sounds, the only way you can get into a healthy relationship—be it with a new person or reconciling with someone from your past—is to get to the place where you're good and sturdy on your own.

 

So, when it comes to reconciliation, which I do believe is possible, it only works when the pain and feelings have been fully processed, when you've let go of that chapter, when the anxiety has given way to calm and acceptance without the other person providing a false sense of calm.

 

Contact, often, provides a false sense calm. The problem with a false sense of calm is it quickly gives way to anxiety, and you're back in the vicious cycle. With NC, you're forced to deal with all this alone, and in doing that you tap back into yourself and the strength that is already inside of you, awaiting excavation. It's hard, but so satisfying. It brings clarity.

 

Sometimes, after processing it, you realize (with those clear eyes) that your feelings have faded—that what you thought were such deep feelings were actually just anxiety, surface pain, loneliness, the wound. And, yeah, sometimes, post all the processing, once the wound has closed, what comes to the surface is something softer, deeper, warmer, and genuine. And if that happens for both people—well, only then is another romantic chapter remotely possible.

 

Point being, step one is that NC is not a manipulation tactic, but a healing tactic, for you. You're a marathon runner with a broken leg. You don't heal the leg by running marathons; you heal it by laying down, sitting still. NC is laying down, sitting still, letting the bones reset; contact is asking another person to be your cast, your crutches, so you can run before you're ready.

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I understand what everyone means. I guess I also have so much to go. It’s only been 3 weeks NC. I guess from my perspective I always figured like I would want someone back only if they actually tried for me but I really do see now I need to get better for myself. I’m actually going home for winter break from college today so it will help me heal a lot. I’m also seeing a doctor about some issues prior and during the breakup I’ve been dealing with. I like to believe in life with the right mindset you can achieve anything. And yes sadly for this relationship my ex will also want to be willing to reconcile for that to happen but who knows.

That being said I’m going to actually take a few days off from here. Maybe until after the holidays but I find myself back here when it gets too hard so maybe not lol.

That being said I hoe you all have an amazing and happy holidays and to be joyful. Thank you for all the help

Also feel free to add on more to his thread as I would love to read new replies when I eventually come back!

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I am 100% on NC! I know from my own experience, my ex needed space and i didn't understand and got needy, only causing it to end all together, then after I was still needy and desperately tried to stay in contact with her only making things worse and forcing her away for good.

I really believe if I would of left her alone when she first needed space and did NC. and then when she wanted to start seeing each other again, still remained distant from her, things would of gotten better. Then after we broke up, i should of never contacted her for at least 1-3 months. I should of left her alone completely and showed her I didn't need her to be happy, instead i did the opposite and it killed any chance I ever had.

My advice to any body that gets dumped that wants another chance. IF you get dumped. Take it like a good thing. Like "okay, have a good life and take care". then don't contact for quite a while. NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU WaNT to DON"T!! you will regret it like i do. for me it's been over a year since she left me and I still regret all my actions afterwards.

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For me it was a combination of many various things. No so much no contact, but limited contact, self improvement (eating better / hitting the gym), seeing a counsellor, being a better father to my kids. A new wardrobe.

 

The brief moments we had together I used to let this new found confidence shine, I didnt hold back and could see this had my ex's attention. She was noticing a lot about me that was different.

 

She also played a limited contact game, but I notice at times where I kept it short, sweet and witty she would come back to me. I just tried to not smother her.

 

As bad as it sounds we had regular sex during the initial stages of the break up, so I made sure I left my mark during those moments.

 

The final nail in the coffin was me telling her how I no longer needed her to exist, to have an identity. A big risk (if the plan was to get her back, but I dont think it was!) but I needed her to know I ready to start life alone guns blazing. It was at this point the "tables turned" in her words..

 

Right now shes afraid of losing me and is willing to work at the 17 year relationship, something she had not considered before.

 

 

Each situation out there is very individual, there have been screw ups on both sides in this relationship. But through communication and honesty, I can see a bright future as long as we both want it. It all depends on the reasons things failed I guess and if the persons involved have anything that draw them together. Once that feeling has gone, I imagine its very, very hard to rekindle a relationship.

 

 

Educating myself has been a HUGE thing for me and my self development, my recovery. I can only recommend reading books and watching YouTube to level yourself up whilst you do stuff like NC / LC. That alone will not be enough.

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I learned to go NC for one main reason after breakups: To empower myself. Most of the breakups had broken down a lot of my confidence, I had acted desperate/ been insecure while things were falling apart, and getting the clean break sharpened my focus back on me, my own life, and what I truly wanted.

 

In one case, NC did lead to my ex coming back around. He had gone through a cycle of "not knowing if he loved me" and dumping me to go be single, have some summer flings, and lead his life without a ball and chain, and my no contact gave him the space he'd needed to miss me and re-evaluate. We got back together. That lasted, oh, one year of torment while he continued to question things and ultimately dumped me on the exact same week he had the year prior. This time I went NC again, but there was no reconciliation in sight (I didn't want that ultimately anyway).

 

My point is - if you're meant to reconcile, it will happen whether or not you go NC. The NC thing needs to be so that you can put distance between yourself and the pain of the breakup, so that you can focus on healing (as you said), take the reigns back on your life and find what is right for you ultimately.

 

As for "why NC 'makes' anyone do anything" - this is honestly just a load of crap. Nobody is equal in what they react to. When I broke it off with someone and he went "NC" to me, this meant it was really over and I moved on with my life assuming he didn't want anything to do with me. It was better for us both that I did that, but yeah - NC did absolutely nothing to convince me to come back to someone I broke it off with.

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So it's been officially 30 days, which is honestly pretty short for me. In my head I never thought I could do it but I have a lot more to go. Some days feel like years while others feel like seconds. Something that bothers me is that I still dream about him almost every night. I know they mean nothing but some dreams are nice in which we get back together and I wake up sad. Then other dreams are terrible where he rejects me and then I wake up sad. So it kind of sucks but I look forward to growing as a person. I already see improvement (mentally) as I started seeing a therapist and I am gaining back the weight I lost during the breakup to be healthier as well as just trying to be kinder to anyone I see/meet. My heart still yearns for my ex and I'm not going to pretend I fantasize about scenarios where we will reunite but for now there's not much I can do

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Disclaimer - Hello everyone. I would first like to say thank you for this forum/site for helping me get better through this rough breakup. The insight and support is amazing. That being said I am going to list some stuff I should clarify before going on

- I know NC isn't a manipulation tool

- I know it's suppose to be for the dumpee to help grow and work on oneself.

- However I do eventually want to get my ex back but I have a lot of questions lol.

Btw I am a 20 (F) my ex is 21 (M)

I am 3 weeks of NC right now

 

So every reconciliation story I've read (nearly hundreds) just on this site alone NC has been crucial in them reconnecting later. My question is why?

Isn't the point of a breakup is that the dumper doesn't want contact with their ex?

Wouldn't the dumper be happy that the dumpee isn't reaching out since that's what they wanted in the first place?

If anything wouldn't they be angry if the dumpee doesn't reach out for months and then one day just pops up again?

So why is it that no contact can help towards forgiveness if it just seems like something the dumper wants anyway?

 

It doesn't. You said you know that NC isn't a manipulation tool, but you're using it as one. NC is to help you get over a relationship. Not get someone back. Sometimes by default it brings narcissistic personality types back to you, but that's only because they need the attention or want to feel like they are in control and can hoover you back. But after you come back, they'll become cold and distant shortly after and you'll be back in the same position.

 

So stop worrying about if someone gets angry because you haven't reached out to them. Use NC to get better.

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Every time I've used it, it's worked. And it's always worked around the eight weeks mark (they seem to have a sixth sense for when you're just about over them).

 

I absolutely agree with everyone that it shouldn't be used as a tool for manipulation but I REALLY think that in the early stages, when your mind is all over the place, the 'hope' that NC might bring them back is motivation to keep going with it. When everything is still raw, I have found it comforting that - should I have wanted them back or not, the only option open to me was NC. It creates a bit of calm and helps you stick to your guns. So stick to your guns!

 

I say none of this to give you hope as, also in my experience (even if they spend months jumping through hoops before you even acknowledge their existence - my ex was sending me weekly shopping deliveries, leaving flowers and letters on my doorstep and booking helicopter flights), if they do come back, they are every bit as useless as they were before and any remorse or regret about having left you in the first place disappears before too long.

 

Sounds to me as if you're doing great - and if you can just keep going as you are then you will look back on this as a really positive turning point in your life, even though I know it probably hurts now. Keep going!

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I don't believe that NC is a good technique at all, for trying to win back an ex.

 

Not if you want to get back together and *stay* together, anyway.

 

Relationships break up because one or both parties are unhappy in the relationship, for whatever reason. If you want to win the ex back, you have to be brutally honest with yourself as to why your ex was unhappy with you, and whether that is something you are prepared to change about yourself. Otherwise. Even if they miss you, you will still break up again.

 

For example, say Annie breaks up with Johnny cos he has a drinking problem and can't hold down a job. She may miss him. She may remember the good times. She may eventually think she misses him so much that she gets back together with him. But if he is still drinking and gets fired again, she will DEFINITELY dump him again.

 

On the other hand, if he was to make genuine changes and sort out the actual issues, and she can see the results, they have a real chance at genuine, longlasting reconciliation.

 

NC is as good as useless.

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I don't believe that NC is a good technique at all, for trying to win back an ex.

 

Not if you want to get back together and *stay* together, anyway.

 

Relationships break up because one or both parties are unhappy in the relationship, for whatever reason. If you want to win the ex back, you have to be brutally honest with yourself as to why your ex was unhappy with you, and whether that is something you are prepared to change about yourself. Otherwise. Even if they miss you, you will still break up again.

 

For example, say Annie breaks up with Johnny cos he has a drinking problem and can't hold down a job. She may miss him. She may remember the good times. She may eventually think she misses him so much that she gets back together with him. But if he is still drinking and gets fired again, she will DEFINITELY dump him again.

 

On the other hand, if he was to make genuine changes and sort out the actual issues, and she can see the results, they have a real chance at genuine, longlasting reconciliation.

 

NC is as good as useless.

 

 

Oh gosh where do I even begin...

 

Annie breaking up with Johnny because he has a drinking problem and going NC is about her distancing herself from him and beginning to heal. It’s quite possible her breaking up and no longer being in his life is what triggers Johnny to get clean, he distances himself to work on himself and comes out sober and stronger both mentally and emotionally, let’s say it’s 6 months later and they aren’t in contact and johnny wants to reconnect, it can go 3 ways, she can say no, she’s in a new relationship, she can say no she doesn’t want to go through it all again or she can say yes. Since Johnny spent those 6 months worrying about himself he can handle whatever response happens and since Annie spent those 6 months gaining space and working on herself she can make a clear decision.

 

Your option, stay in touch. Either Annie broke up to get a response so she stay in touch to see if he fixiea himself but he doesn’t because well she never left so what’s the point she’ll cave eventually which let’s be honest she does she was calling his bluff OR she stays in touch using him for an ego boost while she moves onto another guy leaving Johnny worse off emotionally he starts drinking more.

 

Literally anything in life done with ill intentions won’t pan out. That’s not the point of NC. Please google it.

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