Why does NC help get your ex back?

[RayRay63]

... in the early stages, when your mind is all over the place, the 'hope' that NC might bring them back is motivation to keep going with it. When everything is still raw, I have found it comforting that - should I have wanted them back or not, the only option open to me was NC.

 

That's the great thing about NC. You might do it because you think it's a way to get them back, but if you do it properly you heal and move on. They come back if they want to, not because of anything you do. Paradoxically NC (done properly, with self improvement) makes you look more attractive if they are thinking that way. Win/win.

 

... if they do come back, they are every bit as useless as they were before and any remorse or regret about having left you in the first place disappears before too long.

 

Interesting comment. I agree with it if it is after a short time apart - weeks, a few months - the same problems emerge. Give it a year or more and self development on both sides, and the result could be different. Each person needs to have moved on, dated other people, worked towards their goals in life, etc, but then they might be incompatible at that point.

 

I bumped into a friend of the ex recently. I have trained our mutual friends to tell me nothing about her or what she is doing. Anyway, this one I hadn't seen for a long time, and she blurted out that ex was no longer with the fellow she dumped me for and was single. Haven't heard from her for many months, I said, changed the subject to something else, and moved on.

 

So no guarantees folks - NC might create scarcity, a condition that generates attraction, but do it for yourself, not to manipulate your ex.

[katrina1980]

It doesn't. You said you know that NC isn't a manipulation tool, but you're using it as one. NC is to help you get over a relationship. Not get someone back. Sometimes by default it brings narcissistic personality types back to you, but that's only because they need the attention or want to feel like they are in control and can hoover you back. But after you come back, they'll become cold and distant shortly after and you'll be back in the same position.

 

So stop worrying about if someone gets angry because you haven't reached out to them. Use NC to get better.

 

This!^^

 

Cut and paste to your fridge, it's spot on!!!

[katrina1980]

 

I don't believe that NC is a good technique at all, for trying to win back an ex.

 

Not if you want to get back together and *stay* together, anyway.

 

Relationships break up because one or both parties are unhappy in the relationship, for whatever reason. If you want to win the ex back, you have to be brutally honest with yourself as to why your ex was unhappy with you, and whether that is something you are prepared to change about yourself. Otherwise. Even if they miss you, you will still break up again.

 

For example, say Annie breaks up with Johnny cos he has a drinking problem and can't hold down a job. She may miss him. She may remember the good times. She may eventually think she misses him so much that she gets back together with him. But if he is still drinking and gets fired again, she will DEFINITELY dump him again.

 

On the other hand, if he was to make genuine changes and sort out the actual issues, and she can see the results, they have a real chance at genuine, longlasting reconciliation.

 

NC is as good as useless.

 

Sk, if I am reading this^ correctly, you are not advocating staying in touch and agree remaining no contact is good and necessary.

 

What you don't agree with is using no contact specifically to get your ex back.

 

Did I interpret your post correctly?

 

If yes, you make good points and I agree with you.