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Enn last won the day on July 13 2013

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  1. Sorry...this is AWFUL. You are not as much to blame as he is - it's ENTIRELY your fault, this was a deliberate act. He trusted you and that you were using contraception. You didn't use contraception for EIGHT MONTHS? What a betrayal. As a woman who would be suicidal if I had to have a baby (I had a termination once...honestly, I'd have thrown myself under a train had I had no other choice) then I have real sympathy for him. He must be absolutely devastated - the reality is that, despite what the media tells us, people who didn't want children don't suddenly 'come round' and think it's the best thing that's ever happened to them. This is COMPLETELY different to an 'accident'. I hate 'deadbeat dads' as much as anyone but I find this sort of thing disgusting.
  2. Please, value yourself more than this. You get one shot at life - don't waste time with people who don't want to be with you that much! Everything you write is about HIM. What about you? What about your self-esteem? I'm saying this cos I've done it to death, but never again! I 'spent' seven years with an ex who would be fantastic (like genuinely lovely) for about eighteen months and then leave. I wouldn't be trying to read into stuff though, as you are - I immediately went no contact and didn't look at any social media, or reply to anything once he went. When the loss hit him a few months later, he'd beg to come back and I'd ignore that too. He'd start to send me random things (eventually a weekly shopping delivery!!!!), turn up leaving stuff (I wouldn't answer), email and write letters saying I was his soulmate and begging for another chance. After months of this I'd give in. Guess what? It was the same every time! Despite all of his dramatics, he didn't really have any remorse about how he'd treated me, or do any of the work required to make me feel secure again and no matter how good it got I was always waiting for the horrible conversation (and complete personality switch) telling me he needed space again. It didn't only cost me time, it cost me my self-respect and confidence. I finally took things into my own hands and threw him out when it was clear he was about to do the same thing again. (After having left...three? four? times in seven years?) And each time he came back, he'd actually begged and pleaded and made it clear what he wanted! Yours isn't even doing that! (Not that that should make any difference). I bet he isn't *that* much of a catch...mine certainly wasn't. Value yourself more and find someone else.
  3. Agreed - though obviously neither of us should be taken seriously on account of our reproductive organs, I do hope we're allowed to indulge in our frivolous conversation. :-) My feeling about this forum is it's full of a lot of PEOPLE who are thoughtful about relationships...enough to ask advice and generally to see if they could have done anything different. I see a tiny minority as bitter (often with good reason). To me, the patterns look the same regardless of gender: some PEOPLE overlap and cheat and lie without a thought, rather than telling someone the truth and losing the emotional support. Other PEOPLE can't understand how you could do that and sleep at night. What rubs me up the wrong way is...I bloody HATE this idea that women see men as 'providers' - I don't want or need a man to provide for me. I've never been out with a man who earned more than I did, and though I have nice things, I'm not Bill Gates. It's bloody insulting in this day and age to have some neanderthal come in and make these assertions. And yes, OP - stay strong and stay in No Contact. I know you feel sore but you will get stronger every day if you stay in NC, and, if you need motivation to stick to it, you need to remember it's the ONLY way to make her miss you. (My experience has been that a partner who leaves abruptly will, if you just let them go, come back when you can take or leave them...I promise you you will get to the stage where you don't care one way or the other).
  4. Once someone's cheated on you then they've ruined it - if not the relationship (well not immediately), then your self-esteem is shot. I've tried pretending this isn't true so many times - but good God when I've forgiven them and they've begged for another chance, I've expected basic courtesy - for them to take great care to never let me feel so bad again. Of course they never do this, as they don't have the courtesy to end one relationship before starting another. Giving them the benefit of the doubt is exhausting and demeaning...and ultimately you end up in situations like this when people tell you you are being 'crazy.' I'm recently out of a huge age gap relationship - it gets so boring excusing someone's appalling behaviour because they are young. Having fun is all well and good and understandable (am more than capable of staying out all night myself) but there's no need to be dishonest. I'm your age and I never want to be on the 'hamster wheel' of kids etc. That doesn't mean I'm entitled to lie without consequences - I didn't feel like this when I was 21 or 31 either. In short: you didn't overreact - she has poor moral character and you under-reacted when she cheated with the colleague. You're not the only one to have done this though.
  5. I would feel as you feel. In fact I did feel as you feel. But I gave him another chance. Made him 'prove himself' first. Gosh he really went out of his way with the grand gestures and he was really committed after that, wanted to get married and everything. And guess what?! Two years later, he wanted out again! By then we were in an on-off cycle and in all he left THREE times (yep, I know only an idiot take someone back more than once. Each time he begged and begged and cried and wrote letters and send things and turned up on the doorstep with things and said I was his soulmate)...he'd have left a fourth but I finally established some boundaries and threw him out. Truth be told...he ruined it the first time he left. I didn't treat him as well as I could have after that, didn't trust him, lost my confidence...and with good reason - every time he'd get 'depressed' and 'confused' and 'upset' and 'conflicted' I'd be there like a big support blanket, only to be cast aside again. Wanting someone not to leave you is not 'impossible standards' - it's healthy. He's the one who has cut off his nose to spite his face. I admire you.
  6. James! I remember you from your other thread, 'I Don't Learn.' Well - you've just proved you DO learn, and that is great news, because you aren't going to go through this ever again and you've shown her what's what. My boyfriend pulled this trick on me several times...I still find it breathtaking that 'they'(!) have the nerve to do this! The ego...the arrogance! The complete lack of moral integrity! You're SO well rid...keep your chin up.
  7. Hey! Keep going, James! I'm far more of an idiot than you are... :-) (THOUGH we're both out of it now, so we need to cut ourselves some slack I reckon). I was with mine for seven years...he broke up with me three times and always came back. The useless messages would turn (after enough NC) into lavish gestures - champagne, flowers, hampers, even a weekly shopping delivery for several months (!seriously, who does that?!) and then...once back into my life he'd behave the same way again. Anyway...he last came back in June and by the end of the year I could see him going the same way again ('I'm depressed', 'I just need to move out and clear my head') so I got rid of him, just before Christmas. (Though to be fair, it was more like he ended it - he was making my life a misery after his...THIRD chance!) Yesterday I was able to enjoy the lovely memory of him dumping me on Valentine's Day last year (because he was 'depressed', just needed to move out and clear his head!)...and though I'd be lying if there wasn't a little bit of feeling sorry for myself in there, OH it was so good and liberating to not be worrying about that anymore! So - from one idiot to another...we're actually NOT idiots. We just trusted people - cos, I don't know about you, but *I* would never treat anyone like they do - lie to them, cheat on them, emotionally betray them and THEN have the brass neck to go back and put them through it again. Some people do though; and I don't think they will ever make anyone happy, least of all themselves. Other people (that's us, that is) enable them by having poor boundaries - and really, really need to build on their self-esteem. You will get through this; the only thing that can stop your healing is you sending ANY message at all to her, EVER. So resolve not to do that. Value yourself. One day you'll surprise yourself and realise you're over it. (I think I am...I mean, how many times can I carry on being shocked and upset by the same behaviour?! I'm an idiot but not quite THAT daft...) Keep going!
  8. I have always found this as the biggest encouragement to stick to NC: If you are keeping in touch with him you are HELPING HIM GET OVER YOU. You are helping him feel confident enough to find someone else more quickly. You have got to stop it!
  9. I don't really understand what the problem is. Texas is almost three times the size of my whole country, it's not as if you're moving into the same street is it?!
  10. This is really striking a chord with me, cos I'm not a jealous person, but I've repeatedly been out with awful men who always did this sort of thing. Sorry, did I really say 'this sort of thing?' I meant...going on endless 'dates' with every woman they knew, going on holiday on several occasions (while NO holidays were planned with me) with women they'd previously admitted to having a crush on, and sharing a bed with a female friend because 'It wasn't like that...' (Haha this is three different men! I really do know how to pick 'em!) I'm still not even convinced those men were cheating on me...but what I DO know is that I felt (well, I was!) emotionally betrayed. When we had troubles in our relationships they were confiding in these marvellous people...who quite often knew what was happening in my relationship before I did. And I wouldn't dare say anything because applying reasonable boundaries is SO immature isn't it? (Hiss! I'm so tired of pretending I'm OK with all this crap and so relieved to be out of that!) ...we shouldn't even NEED to explain and you know what...if you don't feel OK with it, it's NOT OK! And he needs to know that. Stick to your guns, missus, and if you need strength then we are here to help you!
  11. I'm self-employed and for years have been 'coasting'; not really trying and taking 'comfort' in someone else being there. But good lord - the VALUE of shedding that 'dead weight' of having someone around who just doesn't care that much, someone who could just leave at any moment (someone who thought they were doing me a favour by just being there) is IMMENSE. It's liberating! I'm now focussing on my business and GETTING SOMEWHERE. (In fact the nerves I feel about financial stuff are actually beneficial and motivational - for years, I was just settling into miserable almost-comfort). Also, I love my home...it really always was my dream house (it was his too, when we moved in!) - but for so long everything I loved about it was bittersweet because the person who shared it with me constantly seemed to want to be elsewhere. Now I can go into the back garden, listen to the birds, look at the massive pine tree and just ENJOY it and be present. No 'ifs' or 'buts' - this is a gorgeous place and I am happy here, it is at last truly HOME.
  12. Dammit, I didn't see him, so was unable to deliver the slap. However, I put it OUT THERE in the universe and he WILL feel it, believe me! I'm afraid I'm a Sassenach (though originally from very close to the border, which in my opinion should count as some sort of Get Out of Jail Free card ;-) ) but I have always loved Robert Burns so *I* am going to wish you a Happy Burns Night! He's not the only Scot, and not the only Scot in London either - he is just one human being who has said something VERY cruel. Something he more or less vocalised out loud because he ISN'T doing great but he wants to USE you as a prop to get to the next stage! Well you won't be that will you? I'd go so far as to say he's an ugly, creepin, blastit wonner. How dare he?!!! You'll be over this sooner than he is...stick to your guns! xxx
  13. Argh no, please make this the very last time you're in contact with him again! Don't give him another opportunity to hurt you! LOL (just like a really sick one, of recognition) at the 'not a priority anymore.' The ARROGANCE of that! Who gives a toss about what HIS priorities are?! Why do all these rubbish blokes say exactly the same things in exactly the same arrogant way when they are messing with us? There was absolutely no need to say that - it is cruel in an almost calculated way. Don't let him use you to prop him up for a second longer! You WILL feel better, but you have to stick to No Contact - take comfort in it. I think of it like a big fleecy dressing gown, protecting me from someone who isn't very important anyway. I'm about to go into (London) town now, I am going to look out for your bloke and give him a great big slap if I see him, the arrogant tool!
  14. Yep! Agree with these fine folk! What about YOU?! I spent seven years with the most SWEET and CARING man who went out of his way to be lovely to me every day...but about once every two years he turned into this awful, unrecognisable person, claiming to be 'depressed' and who 'needed space'. I'd, as they say, 'help him pack' and cut off ALL contact immediately (it is WITHOUT DOUBT the least painful thing to do and will get you out of this purgatory you are in now) and eventually he would beg to get back into my life, like really beg, all the dramatic romantic gestures, river cruises, helicopter flights, proposals. I would fall for it but I KNEW it wasn't right, and that he'd really ruined it the very first time he was er...'depressed'. One time he got so 'depressed' he had to leave me on Valentine's Day and - during weeks where I didn't contact him AT ALL he sent me gifts, stuff for my cats, champagne, flowers...eventually he sent me a full weekly shop (with toilet paper and all!) How 'caring' is that?!!! Eventually, all of those people who were so much fun to him (who sound very much like the ones your fellow is partying with...) got really boring and he missed the stability of someone who cared for him, no matter what he did to them. Anyway - of course all I did was give him the green light to do it again and again...and he did! Like you I was 'but why is he like this?' 'What does it mean?' What I should have been asking is 'Why am I like this?!!! Why is my self-worth so low that I am trying to shape myself round this unreasonable and - yes, abusive - behaviour?' I'd talk to my useless bloke about this dreadful, unrecognisable person that he was during those dark times. Now, of course, I can see that that person is just as much a part of him as the one that cares so much. Cut him off, now. You'll be strong before you know it (I always coped much better than he did...at which point he would waltz back in with his wrecking ball again). Make the break, you'll be so glad you did - even though it feels like the hardest thing to do just now. (Also I want to give your cat a big cuddle, what a vile thing to say!)
  15. My advice - for what it's worth - radio silence. You are still (understandably) too bothered by any of his responses...and whatever you say you'll be doubting yourself and agonising and then - when his response is crap/manipulative again, sapped of energy. Good God he is so not worth it! Honestly - whether you want him back or don't want him back (you DON'T, but you are still too close to the situation to realise that, and ANY contact takes you back into that zone) the only way to respond to someone who has messed you around like this is by being silent. You falling off the face of the earth is the only way to make him respect you. Stick to your guns missus, you're doing great! (DON'T reply!)
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