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Thread: Ex reached out after 7 weeks of no contact. CONFUSED

  1. #1

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    Ex reached out after 7 weeks of no contact. CONFUSED

    My ex and I had a fall out 7 weeks ago. We dated for a year and a half off and on.
    I told him not to contact me anymore and to move on after a fight.
    We fought so much from the middle to the end of our relationship.

    I'm confused what I should do he reached out to me online but I didn't get back to him until almost a week later because I hadnt been online for that time. I was surprised to even have a msg from him. I thought he'd never reach out.

    In the msg he had sent he had said he that he had hoped things were going good with me.
    I responded the same thing in return and didn't talk to him after that.

    He msg me maybe a week later explaining how he was doing (even though I didn't ask).
    We continued the convo from there talking about our lives a bit.
    but I'm confused. What does he want? He lives in a different state than me and is planing on moving from there to another state for work. Idk why hed want to talk to me out of the blue??? Especially when he's told me in the past that he doesn't keep ex's around that ex's are ex's for a reason so why is he talking to me??? I'm extremely confused and it's bringing up unresolved feelings again but confusion more than anything. Idk what to do.....
    I did bring up the past and what I missed about some things (I didn't directly tell him I missed him) just some stuff we would share with eachother that's it and he kinda ignored that and kept talking about other stuff. Some of the convo was light hearted and jokes were made. Some of it was serious about some stuff we went through though too. Bi-polar convo for sure. Maybe that's why I'm confused?

    Idk what I want. I do still love him I probably always will but I can't take this confusion and I don't want to do or say something I'll regret later.

    I want him more than anything but then I don't.... Maybe he's feeling the same way? Please any advice would be appreciated greatly.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Honestly, who cares what he wants. Stop responding and just get on with your healing and moving on.

    If he continues to email, tell him to stop. Reiterate your desire to have no contact.

    This relationship, as you stated, was off and on. This will never change between you two. If you should get back together, you WILL break up again and again. There is never a 'it will be different this time' in an off again on again relationship. And they never last.

    Do yourself a favour and step out of it completely. Get yourself healed and in a better place, then look for someone more suitable.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I think you've summed up what's going on here in describing your own feelings: that you want him more than anything but then you don't, and that maybe he feels the same way.

    So he's reaching out for the same reason you're engaging with him: to see if, who knows, maybe a little contact, a few text messages will clear things up. It won't. Never does. That's just trying to clean up a mess by adding to it. That's turning to the source of the pain for healing. You don't treat a burn by standing in a fire, you know?

    You're both hurting, both confused, both dealing with the void where there was once a relationship. It's natural to want that other person to fill the void—natural, but misguided. It's a cycle that can go on and on and on, if you allow it. Many people do. It can be a version of healing, where you go around and around so many times that you're totally exhausted, totally drained. But it's not advisable.

    So, yeah, let this go for a bit and focus on healing. If he messages again, whatever the context, just politely let him know you're needing space and silence for yourself right now. It's in that space and silence where you'll find clarity, not in these exchanges.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Sounds like a lot of fighting for half of the relationship... You have to think is that something you want again in your life?

    7 weeks is not enough time for those issues to be resolved.

    You asked him to not contact you! Yet he reaches out. So he clearly disregard your wishes and acting purely on his own.

    He has left you confused which is unfair. If he hadn't messaged you would have continued your path of healing.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. What were the breakup and arguments about? Why was it on/off? It sounds conflicted and difficult.

    It would be best to block and delete him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media.

    Do not be a backup plan. Do not stay friends. Do not reminisce. All of that is hurting you.
    Originally Posted by Jade4142
    -We dated for a year and a half off and on.
    -We fought so much from the middle to the end of our relationship.
    -He lives in a different state than me and is planing on moving from there to another state
    -I did bring up the past and what I missed about some things and he kinda ignored that.

  7. #6
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    You were only dating a year and a half - on and off- yet you were fighting for half of that. That doesn’t sound like a long and happy relationship. It sounds like you just miss being in a relationship, not him. Don’t let him suck you back in to something you should not go back to.

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    The guy's not even around. He's gone. The relationship is over and he's a ghost. That makes the breakup easier. Just block him, delete him, erase him so you never have to hear from him again.

  9. #8
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    Half of your relationship was not healthy. Why would you consider returning to it?

    You need to block and delete.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    definitely in the rebound/mourning period. doesn’t matter how good or bad a relationship was - as long as it was for at least some time - any break-up creates the rebound/mourning period (aka “void left behind we immediately try to fill” period).

    as you have figured out - this situation definitely doesn’t lend itself to giving it a 2nd try with the LD and even worse once the ex- moves. So that’s not in play here.

    so.. you really have only 1 choice here - to wean him off of you and end the contact as quickly as possible so you can heal and move on sooner..... so that you will be okay to try a new relationship sooner rather than later (if you let this drag on).

    if after a sizable break in communications (talking like 1 yr or more) you two get in touch again and want to rekindle a friendship or more then - then maybe that is okay. It has to be a long enough time for it to feel like a brand new start and like youp’re strangers again for it to possibly work.

    but that you can leave to the future to determine for you. right now you need to cut off ties as quickly as possible and forget him and move on. let your heart and your mind move on from him.

    good luck.

  11. #10

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    I don't think we would break up off and on if we decided to get back together.
    It was the circumstances that made it more difficult more than anything. We had a great connection otherwise and both of us agreed it was the best connection we've ever had in a relationship despite the fighting. Maybe that was why too because we weren't used to being that close to someone and it was frightening and too intense.....for me it was at times because I didn't want to get hurt. Him either I'm sure....
    But that's besides the point
    at the time neither of us could agree upon the circumstances but that's not the case anymore.....not only living arrangements made things tense (and no not travel hes traveled for work before) but I had a person involved in my life that he hated and didn't get a long with so it caused a lot of friction but I couldn't give up my job at the time just to fulfill that. I don't blame him for not liking the person I was employed under. The person had done some bad things to me in the past but i wasn't giving up that job cause of my ex nor the person I worked under at the time. I loved my job and I wasn't letting anyone take that from me. My ex agreed i shouldn't give up the job but It did cause a lot of problems for us at the time.

    I no longer work there now because of a fall out with that person I worked under and i decided i could do it under a different company but it would just take time and work I didn't have prior. I needed the experience i had gotten from the last job so I'm thankful I stuck it out.

    Anyways...
    Living arrangements changed and job changed and so I no longer deal with that person. So I doubt my ex and I would even fight much cause that was what it was over for the most part.
    He's the one that wanted to build a life with me and was vocal about it more than I even was and told me that if we broke up he was done with relationships. It was us or no one else on his end according to him even when I told him to move on.

    Hed get mad and leave when the fights got bad but he's done that 2 or 3 times before back to home state. The distance never stoped us from trying. We were friends for a few months before dating and didn't have these problems until later (ie the living arrangements and job).....its a long story....point is I want to know why. If I didn't then I could say who cares and go about blocking him and telling him not to contact me but I'm not mad at him so why would I do that? I don't feel resentful or hurt. I handle the conversation well that we had and so did he. Then just turn around and block him telling him not to contact Me? That doesn't make sense after we had a good talk lol.

    I'm just confused as to why. Just why not tell me if he wants to be together or not or tell me he's just seeing how I'm doing and that's it? I would just like clarity from him but I don't want to ask him and him take it out of context. I do want to know but I don't want to just rush into anything either even if that is what he wants. It'd put my mind at ease so I'm not misreading what he says when we talk and so we both are on the same page and aren't confusing eachother.

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