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monkeynuts

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  1. Lambert. I couldn’t agree more. I guess like others - people us use these threads in the hope someone has gone through similar or gain a wider perspective. It’s clear the difference of opinions and also the ‘jackassE$’ on here. We met up last night. We spoke a lot. We’re going to continue to talk and communicate going forward. Theres No expectations. No pressure. we both want to move forward And have things we both need to work through - and it seems we both want to work through. By no means is this an easy road but it never is. Hell sometimes life can throw up unexpected problems but it’s how you resolve them that can determine the outcone Appreciate the words and advice from people. Have taken aspects onboard and quite frankly ignored others
  2. As it was mentioned yesterday wouldn’t of been a good day to meet due to being exhausted....how right you were. By 21:30 last night I was shattered so in many ways I’m relieved she postponed meeting. It seems to be a point about whether I was right to ask who the guy was, and whether I had a right. This comes down to dynamics of a relationship. Just because it doesn’t seem just to some of you doesn’t mean in anyway I’m wrong for asking. They always say don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers. My question is a very simple non-invasive question back then...asking who a guy is she is talking to is no way over stepping the mark. If at this point we had been introduced to people in each others lives - know friends and family. If a random person pops up who has never been seen before of course a question will be asked. Maybe you think I ‘interrogated’ her?!? But that is certainly not what I did. I don’t want to know ‘intimate’ details of her past. I simple just was curious who this guy was she suddenly started talking with! No harm in that. But that’s where this issue was born from and what I have written about. That her response to this was to lie about who these guys were. It rocked my trust as questions go through your head! I was never spying on her. I never asked for in-depth details on what did she do with these guys. My whole issue was the fact if it’s innocent why feel the need to lie? I showed I had no issues with her talking to an ex. No one deserves to be lied to. And when you lie about something which is made out to be unimportant it will of course stretch the trust. How could it not? I get people have difference of opinions. And trying to give every detail on a forum spanning a relationship that’s over a year is near impossible. Would I want to reconcile? The feelings I have I would. But I know so much has to be spoken about with her. I’ve realised through some of your replies our boundaries are different and if we can’t agree then there is no hope. Communication is key. Understanding that it may not lead anywhere I’ve accepted. But i do want to see her. We have things we need to discuss and ultimately I will need to give all her stuff back to her anyhow if this does come to a close. I have been thinking why did I stick around when clearly my views on lying mean red flags. I guess I thought she was sincere when she apologised, said they were mistakes and she understands it would take time for me to trust her again but she was willing to work through it. If people turned their backs on their partners as soon as something happened then everyone would be single. Sometimes things do happen and of course it’s worth fighting for - or at least seeing if things can be resolved. If times been invested then my opinion is depending on what the fall out is over is the deciding factor ( obviously cheating is a no no ) again that’s my personal opinion. And that will differ from one person to the next
  3. not forced - she told me they had history after a few days had passed. So my issue again is why lie? Whats the need to lie. Its the very basic that ok situations can seem daunting, fear of a reaction can play a part - but ultimately being honest shows what type of character a person is and whether they can be trusted. In the beginning before we even started a relationship - the stage when people talk about their 'boundaries' I said I look for honesty and integrity. That My feelings are exs are just that. Its not my expectation but quite frankly I find once you had crossed that boundary where as by being intimate - it takes it to a whole new level. How can two people every go back to just 'friends' Just my opinion and Im sure is not shared by others
  4. Well she cancelled on tonight due to not feeling very well. she suggested we meet tomorrow or friday.... a little disappointed but it is what it is. Gives me a little longer to gather my thoughts I understand what people have mentioned about boundaries. I guess I haven't looked at it from this perspective before. I do remember in the early stages we spoke about what makes a good relationship i.e. good open communication and honesty. I also stressed about honesty to her as once trust is gone is so difficult to build it back. anyhow a little off subject there. I can't really add much as we haven't met - Im due in work again tomorrow so just hoping my brain switches off tonight. I appreciate your words and will reply when I have more time to put some thought into my replies
  5. I think reflecting since this happened IÂ’ve taken a hard look at myself. IÂ’ve sat with my feelings and instead of ignoring them IÂ’ve tried to understand why things happened and what part I played. Ok in this short time I have realised my short comings. IÂ’m human. I make mistakes. I want to learn from them. To grow. No one is perfect. Not me. Nor her. Being able to sit back away from the current situation IÂ’ve realised our communication broke down a while ago. And if itÂ’s a matter of just opening up with one another. Actually listening and responding. Then if thatÂ’s what it takes to potentially mend something that was once amazing then itÂ’s worth it. Yes itÂ’s obvious our boundaries differ slightly. Since all this happened and sheÂ’s realised she did rock the trust emotion. She has blocked the exÂ’s in question. She wanted to do things to prove to me she could be trusted. She even went to a councillor herself as she doesnÂ’t know whether her lying in linked to her childhood? Either way yes both times I decided to carry on with the relationship. I didnÂ’t realise just how it had affected me and I should of been more open and honest. But I closed off. I shut down. I seemed to switch off my feelings for her. Is this a coping mechanism? Is this how I deal with difficulties in relationships? All these questions can only be answered by a professional hence why IÂ’m seeking help. I donÂ’t want to contiue like this. Whether I have a shot with this girl or not. I canÂ’t contiue to sabotage relationships with the people around me. I need to learn from this regardless of what happens tonight. But - I do love this girl. Some might say how can you if you switch off? I donÂ’t know...I know my feelings and as soon as weÂ’re in this period of space reflecting I truly miss her. I see the errors weÂ’ve made and how to move forward past them. I know it will need effort from us both and if she isnÂ’t invested then itÂ’s pointless. We both used to be so caring to one another. And just how things are currently is causing the state of confusion. Hardly hearing from her is odd. I lived with this girl for almost a year speaking daily. Now I struggle to get a few texts from her each day. Granted she wanted space. SheÂ’s clearly feeling pressure so perhaps thatÂ’s why sheÂ’s not as chatty. She asked to meet to talk. IÂ’ve wanted to meet to talk. Since this blew up on Friday IÂ’ve calmed down. I donÂ’t have the answers or know the outcome of tonight. IÂ’m prepared that it might not go down the path of reconciliation but thatÂ’s out of my control. All I can do is communicate with her. Show her IÂ’ve made mistakes. IÂ’m trying to address aspects of my behaviour that contributed to this breakdown of our relationship and if thatÂ’s not enough for her then so be it. Least then I will have closesure that she canÂ’t look past things. And I will have to start on the road to recovery albeit without her
  6. Not always no. And it’s one of the issues I’m going to address once I’ve been referred to a councillor. I’m not the best at talking about my feelings when things become difficult. Though I realise this and want to make an effort in changing this. No it might not be ideal that I’m feeling tired though I’ve been wanting to speak to her since this all happened. I’m not going into this to argue. Just listen. Communicate. All the things we have failed over the last month
  7. No to some extent a type of anxiety has appeared which is throwing me off. It’s the uncertainty I’m not dealing well with. The air hasn’t been cleared so to speak. Leaving things on a sour note is not great. What is a calm state of mind though? Emotions will be high. I’m feeling like most do in this situation like my boat has capsized. When I talk about confusion just in regards to what’s going on in her head ( which only she knows ) I appreciate your words. Exhausted state yes. Sadly I’m one of the ones who still need to work currently and times are manic.
  8. Wow feeling the hate here. Again you assume so much rubbish. Probing? What the fact up to that point we were comfortable sat next to eachother openly using our phones? At times she would be cuddling up next to me whilst I would message friends. And it’s asked more in ‘ ah whose that your talking to ‘ Clearly all you’re hung up on is hating on me as I’ve explained a situation that’s made me question trust. I’ve stated nothing to do with talking to an ex. It’s about being lied to. Lies are lies my friend. Regardless of what they are. Fact of this whole post was for some advice as we are meeting up tonight and I’m confused! Your post are about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. So a kind request to not reply anymore would be appreciated. Thank you
  9. Perhaps I explained it wrong. It wasn’t the fact she ‘spoke’ to someone with who she had history with. It was the fact of lying to me about who they actually were. When infront of my eyes I see messages from a guy of course I’m going to ask who is it. To be told a story which turns out to be untrue surely will cause anyone to doubt things. I couldn’t care less if she was honest about it. All I ever asked was to tell me the truth about things. It goes further with me that lying. I knew from the beginning she was talking to an old ex who was a friend - so on this she was honest from the beginning and I had no concerns. My morals are based on trust and integrity. So yes I started to doubt the trust as she lied about who these people were. And to me if things are innocent why lie? I’ve said it gave me trust issues...I can admit that. But I think anyone who wasn’t told the truth would be the same
  10. Well we have been together for just over a year ( me male 33 ) ( ex she is 30 ) Met through our CrossFit class. Feel for eachother. Started dating. Got on amazingly well. Things were going really well until I found out she lied about being in contact with an ex. Wasn’t so much the fact she was talking to this ex as she had already told me from the beginning she would talk and work for a different long term ex. My issue was being lied too. Anyhow cut a long story short. I’ve struggled with trust ever since. When it happened she said it was a mistake etc and to try again. Fast forward to Christmas. Sat next to her one evening there were messages from a guy on Facebook ..I asked who it was as she’d never mentioned him before. Turns out it was an old friend. She bumped into him at uni. Trust issues flared up a little as I explained she would talk in depth about her life and the people in it yet left this guy totally out of the talking. Go forward a few days she admitted to me she actually had a sexual encounter with this guy years ago. She doesn’t know why she lied about it and there was nothing there or going on. Even though all the messages had been deleted. Caused us more issues obviously. She again said she was sorry. It was nothing. She was scared of telling me the truth. It must stem from childhood issues with her parents and a quite abusive ex ( the ex she used to work for and remain in contact ) but that’s a different story. Now onto me. I struggled with the trust since the first issue. I became distant. Almost stuck in a rut. I question did I truly love her. I stopped showing affection. Became anxious. Snappy. Irritable. We lost the spark...there was no fun anymore in us. We went into lockdown together as she lived with me at the time. The pattern continued where we would fall out. I would Criticise her for little things. Though to me having to constantly ask to take dirty dishes out or put some washing home whilst she was at home and I was a work used to bug me. Anyhow we fell out one evening last week. We kinda said we hadn’t been happy. Probably weren’t suited ( emotion were high. Being stuck in lockdown ) Clearly our communication has been non existent. I can admit that I’ve failed to talk about how I’m truly feeling. Got to the point she left and head home. Tried contacting her that evening but to no success. Next day tried ringing, texting emailing and nothing. Finally got a response that emotions are high. There’s pressure on us. We both aren’t happy at the moment. She thinks we need space/time to reflex. I accepted this and said ok. Monday I receive a text asking if I want to meet to talk in a couple of days. I said yes and we arranged for this evening. Since then there’s been no normal messaging. It’s literally just been to arrange the meet/time etc I did send the last message yesterday evening and ended it with ‘ how are you doing ‘ to which I haven’t received a single reply. She’s on lockdown. I know she uses her phone throughout the day. I’m guess I’m on here as I’m worried. I haven’t been sleeping properly ( two hours last night ) I’m meeting her tonight ( hopefully ) We have feel out before but quickly resolved things in the past the day after. It’s been 5 days. Haven’t seen her. Spoke to her. I have all her belongings at mine including bank cards, push bike etc I wonder if this talk is her walking away for good? But if so why drag it out? Why not tell me on Monday that we needed to meet and talk then and not in a couple of days? I’ve suggested we go for a walk tonight ( exercise on lockdown ) Nothings been mentioned about her stuff. I guess I’m scared. The space has given me time to reflex. It’s been a god send. It’s made me realise I need counselling. I can get very snappy and impatient. I gather I have underlying problems rooted somewhere that I need to address. It’s opened my eyes to how my I love her. That I have regrets and I’ve made mistakes ( being human ) I just hope it’s not over. I’m not going to beg. I’m calm at the moment although exhausted. It’s affecting me not knowing what’s going on. I want to listen to her and for her to listen to me. I get our communication is one of the areas that has let us down and it’s both our faults. I have things to work on as she does.
  11. Right it’s clear you’ve had an issue with me from a post a while ago. I don’t find your post helpful in the slightest. I wouldn’t be posting on here if I didn’t care about her. And who wouldn’t want to fix it? When they see someone they love go through an emotional state. Like people have said people with anxiety do not just ‘get better’ They need to seek help. Clearly you have an issue with me. So I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t respond any more to my post. Like you said people have been helpful and given advice. You have not. Maybe get out your bubble and realise I may not have encountered anxiety or someone close to me with a mental illness before. So yes I’m seeking advice and trying to understand how best to deal with it. As I’m not an expert
  12. She I wonder if I explained it right, When I say she blames me. Like the situation I described. We had plans. For some reason she starts to worry/panic as she is scared of things going ‘bad’ again ( basically the part of our relationship over a year ago we didn’t get on ) We have met a few times since then and got on fine. No issues. Both had fun. She started opening up. Telling me things partners do. Then she got weird on Saturday. Perhaps I reacted with frustration as I didn’t understand why she was worried. I was confused being told she misses me. Wants to see me. Still deeply in love with me. Then the next day anxiety shows up. I didn’t understand why? I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Had intermittent texts with her as we were both busy during the day. She said she doesn’t feel good enough. Feels like she lets people down. She just wants people to Ben happy. I said I’m confused, hurt frustrated as we had been getting on fine and I was looking forward to hanging out with her. It’s this that she blames on me. That she is fine normally but soon as we are talking again it causes her grief. I have to stress I don’t push. And we have been getting on swimmingly. It hurts. As it’s pike one step forward two steps back. I wonder if it is just anxiety or whether something else. She always seems to be looking for ‘issues’ or negative way of thinking. Instead of just being in the head and now. Things are good. Role with it. It’s like she increases her anxiety by worrying so much It’s why I asked if there is anything I can do or say to ease then worry. But what I’m picking up is what I already thought. To just back off. Not react to her. Let her bring herself down
  13. So how best do you support them? I’m not here looking for lectures I just wondered how people who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks calm down? What can others do to help? Back off? Reassurance doesn’t seem to work. I know I can’t help her if she doesn’t want to get help. And it’s something she needs to realise on her own. But I do care about her and want to support her. I don’t want to add fuel to the fire so to speak.
  14. No I haven’t reconciled with my ex. We just met up a few times and started talking. Sadly she isn’t doing anything to seek help. She says that it’s me or how I react that brings on her anxiety. For instance. We had plans to meet. Last minute she says she can’t. She is nervous and scared. I try to talk to her to understand what has happened or gone on. Just seems to make it worse. Hell I should just back off. Not care. But it’s hard. I’m human. When we have been communicating and getting on. Talking about what went wrong in our relationship and why. What was lacking etc then feelings start being spoken about. Then the sudden change the next day. It’s confusing. It pickled me. Maybe I do get frustrated. I don’t understand anxiety. I don’t know how to deal with it. How do you just ignore what they are going through? When all you want to do is help? I understand you can’t help those who don’t want to be help. But when it affects someone you still care about it’s hard to do nothing.
  15. How on earth do you deal with it? Rational thinking goes out the window. You try to understand but let’s face it you can’t. I get blamed for stuff. Made out to be the bad guy. It’s all my fault. Have tried to understand. Support. Say I will be there and we can get through this. But fault is always found.
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