What makes you feel valuable (distinct from valued)?

I was posed this question by my friend this morning. I’m struggling to answer. We decided to each make an effort to pay attention to what gives us the feeling of being valuable and take time to enjoy the feeling when it occurs.

I’m curious, what makes you feel valuable? All I came up with was when I’m entertaining others, or they seek advice from me (very rare now since I have new boundaries around this).

Accomplishments.

It depends on where the question is coming from. Do you need to feel valuable to others to feel good about yourself?

If I am in a sports team, or at work, I play a valuable role as part of the team. If I let the team down, then I am less valuable. I guess the same in a family group. I'm valuable because I am the provider or the carer etc.

But for me, by myself, outside of these team based areas, why do I need to feel valuable to anyone else?

I think I only care about being valuable at work, and that comes (for me) from accomplishments and praise.

I don't think about being "valuable" but I often think in terms of contributions -what contributions have I made today/lately. I think I feel inherently valuable and I don't mean that to brag -to me "valuable" is basically synonymous with a human being who has good intentions and means well. My son was incredibly valuable even when his only accomplishments were kicking me really hard when I had to pee (ie before he was born) and learning how to eat and sleep once he was born. I'm curious as to why you chose "valuable" as a way to think about this broader issue?

I don’t know how to edit my thread to emphasise the difference, since my friend asked me how I felt valuable (distinct from being valued). The answers I would give to both questions would be very different and my interpretation of the answers so far would be as a feeling of being valued, rather than being valuable.

I think being a human being with good intentions might add to your feeling of being valuable Batya, but not distinct from the myriads of others who are the same.

What is the broader issue? It was a question posed by my friend.

To me, valuable is bringing actually monetary or other tangible benefit to another person.

Valued is being appreciated, cared for, respected, etc.

Finding new emojis for troll posts. It answers all the existential rhetorical questions I have ever had in life.

To me, valuable is bringing actually monetary or other tangible benefit to another person.

 

Valued is being appreciated, cared for, respected, etc.

Yes I think bringing benefit to someone or something is a way to perceive yourself as valuable. But that might be a benefit they don’t acknowledge. Would that make you feel less valuable?

I feel valued by others (or at least the important people in my life).

Well no I completely disagree. I think individual human beings who have good intentions and presumably do their best to act on them are valuable. It’s not a contest and why the need to compare?

This brings to mind for me an exercise when I was partaking in cognitive behavioural therapy. There was a challenge there to define what makes oneself or others of value. As you go through all the possible things we might use to measure our worth, you get the sense that none of them are practical if the goal is to be thoroughly factual and to use as a measuring stick for a sustainable sense of value.

Some people's spirituality or religion incorporated the inherent worth of life. I'm not religious but that aspect makes practical sense to me, seeing as I do havestrong respect for life and we are all part of it. You don't have to earn it prove it and there's liberation in that.

Well no I completely disagree. I think individual human beings who have good intentions and presumably do their best to act on them are valuable. It’s not a contest and why the need to compare?

I have to say as I thought of your overlay of how having (and I include acting) on good intentions is not distinct from "myriads" of others - such that that in and of itself is not enough to feel valuable. Just wow. First it goes against every spiritual and religious practice I know of (including my own) in case a person does practice a religion or have a spiritual bent of some sort. Second to me it is offensive to human beings (I am not including animals since right now we are talking about humans) - a human being to be valuable must be perceived as valuable and must somehow be valuable in a way that is distinct from being a good person who has and acts on good intentions to the best of his/her ability? Really?

In the movie the Help one of "the help" tells the little girl she cares for -on a regular basis - "you is kind you is smart you is important" - meaning -she is valuable. She is a little girl whose mother often can't be bothered to have the patience to deal with her, listen to her and is hyper critical of her. So her babysitter tries to counteract that with that mantra. Do you really mean to say that that little girl who is kind and smart is so much like the myriad of other kids who are kind and smart that she shouldn't feel important? Yes it's a movie. Yes it happens in real life all the time where children are criticized without a balance of positive reinforcement (or compliments). And then those children don't feel valuable (or valued).

My son was valuable yesterday. His friend came over and was showing him his new Rubik's Cube. His friend dropped it on the ground by accident and it broke. He was in tears. His mother tried to fix it and my son tried to help. Then my son said "wait I think I see a piece of it inside [a parking garage]." So he insisted that we go back in to look for the piece which we didn't find. Sure maybe a myriad of people would have tried to help in that way. Who cares. What he did was valuable. Did his friend appreciate it? Nope. Didn't even notice because he was so upset. (Yes I noticed and told him it was thoughtful of him to want to help his friend). Am I writing this to brag about how thoughtful my son is? No. I'm glad he thought of that and perhaps it is a bit atypical for a boy his age. Who cares. It was valuable because he is a human being who wanted to help another human being. Not a contest.

All that comes to mind is that things, inanimate objects may be valuable, human beings may be valued depending on their actions. To think of yourself as valuable is really quite arrogant and self centered. To be valued for what you do is perhaps a better way to look at things. As other posters already gave examples of contributing to a team to the best of your ability, exercising kindness, helping a friend, even as simple as keeping your word to another person will make you valued by others. However, focusing on that is dangerous as it can lead you to base your personal self worth on the opinions of others, aka whether they value you or not. Since you already struggle with this, OP, I'd actually step away from these kinds of topics. They keep you stuck inside your head, when you actually need to step out.

Who made it a contest?

Who made it a contest?

Her follow up comment to me.

"I think being a human being with good intentions might add to your feeling of being valuable Batya, but not distinct from the myriads of others who are the same."

All that comes to mind is that things, inanimate objects may be valuable, human beings may be valued depending on their actions. To think of yourself as valuable is really quite arrogant and self centered. To be valued for what you do is perhaps a better way to look at things. As other posters already gave examples of contributing to a team to the best of your ability, exercising kindness, helping a friend, even as simple as keeping your word to another person will make you valued by others. However, focusing on that is dangerous as it can lead you to base your personal self worth on the opinions of others, aka whether they value you or not. Since you already struggle with this, OP, I'd actually step away from these kinds of topics. They keep you stuck inside your head, when you actually need to step out.

Yes depending on what is meant by valuable. From Thornz's response to me she means in particular something that you do/are that distinguishes you from the rest of the pack. I didn't initially interpret it that way. I agree with you Dancing Fool about your take on her definition of it.

I think the point of this post is our individual definitions.

I feel I can be valued by someone without being valuable.

Likewise I can be valuable but not valued.

Just my two cents. Maybe because I’m bitter about work haha

Her follow up comment to me.

 

"I think being a human being with good intentions might add to your feeling of being valuable Batya, but not distinct from the myriads of others who are the same."

Sorry Batya, it wasn’t my intention to offend, my initial response to my friends question was the same as yours, oh well I’m honest and I try to be as good a person as I can that makes me valuable. My second thought was that actually, not being a sh*tty human being is the least you should expect of yourself and is only part of the equation. There is no contest, you can value yourself without devaluing others, I should hope.

I think the point of this post is our individual definitions.

 

I feel I can be valued by someone without being valuable.

 

Likewise I can be valuable but not valued.

 

Just my two cents. Maybe because I’m bitter about work haha

Nailed it!

All that comes to mind is that things, inanimate objects may be valuable, human beings may be valued depending on their actions. To think of yourself as valuable is really quite arrogant and self centered. To be valued for what you do is perhaps a better way to look at things. As other posters already gave examples of contributing to a team to the best of your ability, exercising kindness, helping a friend, even as simple as keeping your word to another person will make you valued by others. However, focusing on that is dangerous as it can lead you to base your personal self worth on the opinions of others, aka whether they value you or not. Since you already struggle with this, OP, I'd actually step away from these kinds of topics. They keep you stuck inside your head, when you actually need to step out.

Yes I agree I shouldn’t overthink these things. I am wondering what others perceive in themselves to be valuable so that they have their own idea of worth beyond what others think of them. I don’t think it’s arrogant to feel you are important to yourself. You should be, surely?!

Sorry Batya, it wasn’t my intention to offend, my initial response to my friends question was the same as yours, oh well I’m honest and I try to be as good a person as I can that makes me valuable. My second thought was that actually, not being a sh*tty human being is the least you should expect of yourself and is only part of the equation. There is no contest, you can value yourself without devaluing others, I should hope.

Yes and I don't agree. Acting with good intentions is valuable. "Not being a s---y human being" is not the same as acting with good intentions. I agree that just because for example you are not a bully makes you a valuable person. But that is not what I wrote- that is what you wrote. I don't agree that value is measured by what makes you unlike the "myriad of other human beings" - you can be valuable even if what is valuable is shared by a myriad of other human beings. I think it's valuable to hold the door for someone, to use your education to contribute to your family, the community, or beyond, to share with someone else what you thought of a work of art, to offer to hold someone's packages while she searches for her keys. I think it's valuable to say to a child who is being bratty "I see that you're having a hard time behaving" instead of "you are a bad girl!" I think it's valuable to say thank you to someone who serves you food or drink rather than simply stay neutral. I think it's valuable to go to graduate school or college, attain a degree and use what you learned in your job or volunteer work.

This brings to mind for me an exercise when I was partaking in cognitive behavioural therapy. There was a challenge there to define what makes oneself or others of value. As you go through all the possible things we might use to measure our worth, you get the sense that none of them are practical if the goal is to be thoroughly factual and to use as a measuring stick for a sustainable sense of value.

 

Some people's spirituality or religion incorporated the inherent worth of life. I'm not religious but that aspect makes practical sense to me, seeing as I do havestrong respect for life and we are all part of it. You don't have to earn it prove it and there's liberation in that.

I believe that all life has value (though I couldn’t tell you where this belief comes from) but I don’t see myself as valuable merely because I exist. Do you?

Interesting you mention that. I sent my friend a valued living section of my DBT workbook as part of our discussion. It is to establish all that is important to you, your values and how to meet these in your life through committed action. Living with integrity.

Yes and I don't agree. Acting with good intentions is valuable. "Not being a s---y human being" is not the same as acting with good intentions. I agree that just because for example you are not a bully makes you a valuable person. But that is not what I wrote- that is what you wrote. I don't agree that value is measured by what makes you unlike the "myriad of other human beings" - you can be valuable even if what is valuable is shared by a myriad of other human beings. I think it's valuable to hold the door for someone, to use your education to contribute to your family, the community, or beyond, to share with someone else what you thought of a work of art, to offer to hold someone's packages while she searches for her keys. I think it's valuable to say to a child who is being bratty "I see that you're having a hard time behaving" instead of "you are a bad girl!" I think it's valuable to say thank you to someone who serves you food or drink rather than simply stay neutral. I think it's valuable to go to graduate school or college, attain a degree and use what you learned in your job or volunteer work.

For me when I do these things I don’t think of it as making me valuable, I would think of myself as a “sh*tyy human being” for not having basic manners if I didn’t do these kind of things. For me it’s just the least to expect of yourself, to be decent and conduct yourself with good intentions.

Using what you learnt in your studies in your job or volunteering, to help your family or community is imo distinct from the myriad of others because nobody has your skills and experience. Two people who have the same degree may give entirely different things to an identical project.

Maybe I ought to give myself more credit for having manners?

For me when I do these things I don’t think of it as making me valuable, I would think of myself as a “sh*tyy human being” for not having basic manners if I didn’t do these kind of things. For me it’s just the least to expect of yourself, to be decent and conduct yourself with good intentions.

 

Using what you learnt in your studies in your job or volunteering, to help your family or community is imo distinct from the myriad of others because nobody has your skills and experience. Two people who have the same degree may give entirely different things to an identical project.

 

Maybe I ought to give myself more credit for having manners?

I agree, I don’t really find those skills valuable - more like bare minimum.

To me, valuable comes from something a little rarer.

And I think everyone is valuable in some way, but in a way that is more unique to them.

I find it very difficult to define what's valuable about me. I'm not saying that I think I'm worthless or anything, just that my valuableness is something that's defined by other people. It's not up to me to determine what other people value. In fact, I have no control over it. If I want someone to find value in me, I can only offer what I think would probably be valuable to them and then hope that they agree.

It's interesting to try to define what's valuable to me. It seems I've never really thought about this. Obviously, I love certain people and want to be around them. And there are others who I wouldn't care if they fell off the earth. It's really an interesting question because as I think about it, I find that I value people that I don't even like!