What makes you feel valuable (distinct from valued)?

[itsallgrand]

I believe that all life has value (though I couldn’t tell you where this belief comes from) but I don’t see myself as valuable merely because I exist. Do you?

 

Interesting you mention that. I sent my friend a valued living section of my DBT workbook as part of our discussion. It is to establish all that is important to you, your values and how to meet these in your life through committed action. Living with integrity.

 

I think I do, yes. I think people have value 'merely' for existing.

 

Some it may have to do with my personal experiences. At a fairly young age, I faced questioning what in life and in people is actually solid. How so much of how we identify ourselves and place value on ourselves is on qualities which can be stripped away, lost, in flux, out of purely our control and will.

 

Later on, I was working in a hospital, then in homecare, working with people from baby to elderly of various abilities and disabilities. On a personal level and a work level, real life applications of others determining value on a persons life come up.

 

Truthfully I walked away from all that feeling even more strongly about how each person and life in general is of value and all I can say is 'because it is'. I haven't figured out the mysteries of life I just know I don't want to be putting numbers and dollars on the value of one life over another.

 

There's what society and individuals value. But then it comes down to beliefs- I choose to believe, a core belief, we are all of inherent value. I do not like, it makes me feel gross inside, when societies begin commodifying human beings and their qualities too much. Then you do end up with babies left in dumpsters to die because they are 'faulty' or the wrong sex ( the one that isn't wanted or worth much). I'm not making this up, it happens.

[Batya33]

So I think this comes down to whatever your personal, subjective definition is of being "valuable" and also comes down to whether the person in question chooses, in the first place, the whole analysis of whether he/she is valuable. I gave my definition because of your thread and with the second part I don't think it's valuable or helpful to analyze one's life in terms of whether he/she is "valuable." I'll also give this example -I'm on two Facebook moms groups with hundreds and hundreds of members. Fairly regularly I see women claiming that they somehow have leverage over their male partners/spouses because they are the ones who grew the baby and birthed the baby. I see women focusing on their accomplishment of growing and birthing a healthy baby. I am not saying it's wrong and, at the same time, I never thought of it in those terms or felt like I deserved a "push present" or parties celebrating my accomplishment of giving birth. I didn't feel "valuable" because I got pregnant and had a baby. I did feel darn lucky and like I won the lottery. I do feel I make a contribution when I raise my son in a good and healthful way so that he hopefully can add to this world and contribute (well that's one reason I do it!). But I don't think of it in terms of whether I am "valuable" as a mother. That just seems odd to me to go down that path and wouldn't add to my well being or anyone else's.

[catfeeder]

I think my key to feeling valuable is my intentions. Those are ingrained to the degree that I'm aware of them from the moment I wake up. I decide what kind of day I intend to have, and this prompts me to share good energy with everyone I encounter throughout my day.

 

I think I only care about being valuable at work, and that comes (for me) from accomplishments and praise.

 

This is interesting, because as a consultant for over 25 years, I've often encountered people on the job who can easily 'see' and describe their accomplishments, yet they don't feel valuable without praise from others that tells them that they're valued.

 

I guess that's the distinction between feeling valued by others versus feeling valuable regardless of praise. I wasn't positioned for the kinds of evaluations received by regular employees. I viewed rises in my billable rate as one measurement, but the way I really felt valuable was through my OWN assessments of my own contributions at any given time.

 

Maybe this has trained me to regard my value as separate and distinct from any acknowledgment by others. I always KNOW when I'm doing a good job, so feedback is merely icing on the cake. Sure, it's a nice-to-have, but it's also redundant.

 

I guess I've already developed an inner habit of feeling valuable, which sustains me during rough patches when a boss is lousy or a project isn't inspiring or a loved one takes me for granted. That stuff doesn't register on my radar so much, because I have an internal GPS that's consistent with my best intentions, and I always feel as though I'm contributing supportive energy at the very least, and a value that's often subtle but forever present in everything I do.

[mustlovedogs]

I think my key to feeling valuable is my intentions. Those are ingrained to the degree that I'm aware of them from the moment I wake up. I decide what kind of day I intend to have, and this prompts me to share good energy with everyone I encounter throughout my day.

 

 

 

This is interesting, because as a consultant for over 25 years, I've often encountered people on the job who can easily 'see' and describe their accomplishments, yet they don't feel valuable without praise from others that tells them that they're valued.

 

I guess that's the distinction between feeling valued by others versus feeling valuable regardless of praise. I wasn't positioned for the kinds of evaluations received by regular employees. I viewed rises in my billable rate as one measurement, but the way I really felt valuable was through my OWN assessments of my own contributions at any given time.

 

Maybe this has trained me to regard my value as separate and distinct from any acknowledgment by others. I always KNOW when I'm doing a good job, so feedback is merely icing on the cake. Sure, it's a nice-to-have, but it's also redundant.

 

I guess I've already developed an inner habit of feeling valuable, which sustains me during rough patches when a boss is lousy or a project isn't inspiring or a loved one takes me for granted. That stuff doesn't register on my radar so much, because I have an internal GPS that's consistent with my best intentions, and I always feel as though I'm contributing supportive energy at the very least, and a value that's often subtle but forever present in everything I do.

 

My comment is stemming from bitterness at work. I did a project that was successful and company direction changing. It was huge. And I knew I nailed it. But instead of any praise, I got lectured on it. I’ve never had so many closed door lectures in my career before. Petty things like “we saved more money than you forecast so the finance team is stressed out, get your act together.”

 

So I knew I was valuable. And I sort of knew management was behaving this way out of jealousy that it was a me project and not a them project.

 

So I knew it was valuable and I was valuable, but I didn’t feel it because I didn’t hear it from them - I guess it’s because I don’t feel we can assign our own value to something. Even though I knew it was there.

 

Long ramble but that’s where I’m at

[catfeeder]

My comment is stemming from bitterness at work. I did a project that was successful and company direction changing. It was huge. And I knew I nailed it. But instead of any praise, I got lectured on it. I’ve never had so many closed door lectures in my career before. Petty things like “we saved more money than you forecast so the finance team is stressed out, get your act together.”

 

So I knew I was valuable. And I sort of knew management was behaving this way out of jealousy that it was a me project and not a them project.

 

So I knew it was valuable and I was valuable, but I didn’t feel it because I didn’t hear it from them - I guess it’s because I don’t feel we can assign our own value to something. Even though I knew it was there.

 

Long ramble but that’s where I’m at

 

Wow. Just... wow. They actually reached for saving money as something complain about?

 

I think your example is the perfect one to demo the distinction between 'being valuable' versus 'feeling valued'.

 

You know that what you did was fabulous, and you have that to put in your pocket--and on your resume. Documenting your vision, process and outcomes certainly makes you more valuable--to a wiser employer. Let's hope that either your current company changes to put better people in place who will value you, or otherwise a better opportunity comes to you.

[thornz]

I agree, I don’t really find those skills valuable - more like bare minimum.

 

To me, valuable comes from something a little rarer.

 

And I think everyone is valuable in some way, but in a way that is more unique to them.

 

Yes I feel like to be valuable I must offer something unique on top of being decent human, even if it’s not even acknowledged by others it is an attribute I have to be proud of, I feel all persons have their own unique attributes, although that’s not necessarily how they view their own worth.

[thornz]

I find it very difficult to define what's valuable about me. I'm not saying that I think I'm worthless or anything, just that my valuableness is something that's defined by other people. It's not up to me to determine what other people value. In fact, I have no control over it. If I want someone to find value in me, I can only offer what I think would probably be valuable to them and then hope that they agree.

 

It's interesting to try to define what's valuable to me. It seems I've never really thought about this. Obviously, I love certain people and want to be around them. And there are others who I wouldn't care if they fell off the earth. It's really an interesting question because as I think about it, I find that I value people that I don't even like!

 

I certainly admire and value some people I don’t like, usually when they possess a quality I wish I did. Also someone can give your day a boost even if you think they are not a lovely person. The things we value I others they might not even see as important and visa versa.

 

Perhaps some people feel valuable without thinking about it? Due to their upbringing perhaps?

[thornz]

I think I do, yes. I think people have value 'merely' for existing.

 

Some it may have to do with my personal experiences. At a fairly young age, I faced questioning what in life and in people is actually solid. How so much of how we identify ourselves and place value on ourselves is on qualities which can be stripped away, lost, in flux, out of purely our control and will.

 

Later on, I was working in a hospital, then in homecare, working with people from baby to elderly of various abilities and disabilities. On a personal level and a work level, real life applications of others determining value on a persons life come up.

 

Truthfully I walked away from all that feeling even more strongly about how each person and life in general is of value and all I can say is 'because it is'. I haven't figured out the mysteries of life I just know I don't want to be putting numbers and dollars on the value of one life over another.

 

There's what society and individuals value. But then it comes down to beliefs- I choose to believe, a core belief, we are all of inherent value. I do not like, it makes me feel gross inside, when societies begin commodifying human beings and their qualities too much. Then you do end up with babies left in dumpsters to die because they are 'faulty' or the wrong sex ( the one that isn't wanted or worth much). I'm not making this up, it happens.

 

Yes my Indian friend told me that abortion was made illegal because many parents would abort female fetuses.

 

I agree that it is damaging to place your worth on things that may be stripped away from you, I realised a short while ago that I was so insistent on obtaining my degree because I placed a lot of my worth on that piece of paper. Like I would havd value when I completed my degree and it’s quite sad to feel that way about yourself.

 

Even if we are to see ourselves as valuable because we act with good intentions and are nice that may be stripped away by disease. If you get Alzheimer’s or a brain tumour and it changes your personality, you become rude and aggressive and beat your spouse or pet, does that mean you should no longer feel valuable? It’s not like you can help it!

 

Hmmmm maybe we should feel valuable merely for existing. That is an interesting perspective.

[thornz]

So I think this comes down to whatever your personal, subjective definition is of being "valuable" and also comes down to whether the person in question chooses, in the first place, the whole analysis of whether he/she is valuable. I gave my definition because of your thread and with the second part I don't think it's valuable or helpful to analyze one's life in terms of whether he/she is "valuable." I'll also give this example -I'm on two Facebook moms groups with hundreds and hundreds of members. Fairly regularly I see women claiming that they somehow have leverage over their male partners/spouses because they are the ones who grew the baby and birthed the baby. I see women focusing on their accomplishment of growing and birthing a healthy baby. I am not saying it's wrong and, at the same time, I never thought of it in those terms or felt like I deserved a "push present" or parties celebrating my accomplishment of giving birth. I didn't feel "valuable" because I got pregnant and had a baby. I did feel darn lucky and like I won the lottery. I do feel I make a contribution when I raise my son in a good and healthful way so that he hopefully can add to this world and contribute (well that's one reason I do it!). But I don't think of it in terms of whether I am "valuable" as a mother. That just seems odd to me to go down that path and wouldn't add to my well being or anyone else's.

 

Yes I think many women give birth, so it’s no great accomplishment to brag about and is also insensitive to those who perhaps can’t conceive or carry to term, plus to have a baby who is disabled may seem to some as a blessing as much (or even more than) a healthy baby.

 

Maybe you just feel inherently valuable and so you don’t analyse? Or you are conscientiously treading a path that reinforces your own worth through good intentions? I don’t think I behave in an honourable way necessarily due to thinking it’s the right thing to do, sometimes it’s to avoid the negative feelings resulting from less integrity. I do however get a little buzz when I do something good instinctively without prior processing. When I act instinctively out of self preservation if I didn’t first consider how my actions might negatively impact others I feel pretty bad, even if the impact was not really a big deal (or they might not even notice).

[Batya33]

Yes I think many women give birth, so it’s no great accomplishment to brag about and is also insensitive to those who perhaps can’t conceive or carry to term, plus to have a baby who is disabled may seem to some as a blessing as much (or even more than) a healthy baby.

 

Maybe you just feel inherently valuable and so you don’t analyse? Or you are conscientiously treading a path that reinforces your own worth through good intentions? I don’t think I behave in an honourable way necessarily due to thinking it’s the right thing to do, sometimes it’s to avoid the negative feelings resulting from less integrity. I do however get a little buzz when I do something good instinctively without prior processing. When I act instinctively out of self preservation if I didn’t first consider how my actions might negatively impact others I feel pretty bad, even if the impact was not really a big deal (or they might not even notice).

 

Or maybe I just don't think in terms of whether I am "valuable". I don't think in those particular terms -and the term does not resonate with me. It's kind of basic and simple/common sense to me. I try to do the right thing and teach my son to do the right thing mostly by showing him how I do the right thing. I work hard, play hard, take care of myself and my family reasonably well, try to contribute to my community and the world as much as possible, and count my blessings daily. When I feel cranky or critical I try to think before I speak and to practice humility. My personal accomplishments mean a great deal to me and I don't give a hoot whether others would value what I see as accomplishments. I'm a person who had to work extremely hard to attain my major goals in life. I work extremely hard to maintain certain of those goals. I've seen others have it much easier. Life isn't fair - so it's a waste of time to dwell on what boils down to that well worn but true cliche. If there's a true injustice I try to work to rectify it. Or I apologize in a sincere and humble way if I caused the unfairness.

[thornz]

“the way I really felt valuable was through my OWN assessments of my own contributions at any given time.

 

Maybe this has trained me to regard my value as separate and distinct from any acknowledgment by others.”

 

This is how I feel about my own worth, that it is distinct from outside feedback and although I feel valued by others, some in particular who frequently tell me how much I mean to them and what value they perceive in me, I don’t feel it because I don’t see those things as important.

 

I love your take on feeling a subtle value in everything you do because your waking thoughts are to spread positive energy and be lovely.

 

I might try that tomorrow morning, take a deep breath on waking and endeavour to be positive and share that positive feeling with others and contribute as best I can, conscientiously.

[thornz]

Or maybe I just don't think in terms of whether I am "valuable". I don't think in those particular terms -and the term does not resonate with me. It's kind of basic and simple/common sense to me. I try to do the right thing and teach my son to do the right thing mostly by showing him how I do the right thing. I work hard, play hard, take care of myself and my family reasonably well, try to contribute to my community and the world as much as possible, and count my blessings daily. When I feel cranky or critical I try to think before I speak and to practice humility. My personal accomplishments mean a great deal to me and I don't give a hoot whether others would value what I see as accomplishments. I'm a person who had to work extremely hard to attain my major goals in life. I work extremely hard to maintain certain of those goals. I've seen others have it much easier. Life isn't fair - so it's a waste of time to dwell on what boils down to that well worn but true cliche. If there's a true injustice I try to work to rectify it. Or I apologize in a sincere and humble way if I caused the unfairness.

 

I can very much relate to how to your personal accomplishments mean a great deal to you, regardless of what others think. I feel however that despite working very hard I am yet to accomplish anything important to me. I feel like I might never achieve any of the goals I set for myself in life, which I expected to be pretty simple and easy to achieve. A lot of self worth ties in with these goals and that is perhaps why I don’t feel valuable even though I see value in others for the smallest things.

 

I think I should feel self worth even if I never achieve any of my personal goals but I find it hard to imagine I ever could. Are your personal accomplishments large difficult things or also some little things? Do you think your self esteem would be effected if you hadn’t achieved your major goals in life?

[DancingFool]

I can very much relate to how to your personal accomplishments mean a great deal to you, regardless of what others think. I feel however that despite working very hard I am yet to accomplish anything important to me. I feel like I might never achieve any of the goals I set for myself in life, which I expected to be pretty simple and easy to achieve. A lot of self worth ties in with these goals and that is perhaps why I don’t feel valuable even though I see value in others for the smallest things.

 

I think I should feel self worth even if I never achieve any of my personal goals but I find it hard to imagine I ever could. Are your personal accomplishments large difficult things or also some little things? Do you think your self esteem would be effected if you hadn’t achieved your major goals in life?

 

The thing about goals and struggling with being disappointed that you haven't achieved certain things or that your life isn't turning out how you planned it would is what every person struggles with at some point in life. It's normal. That said, it's important to understand that you define you. These are your goals, your timelines and you are the only person placing certain value on those things....which means you can change ALL of it. Life after all is all about change and adapting to change. Maybe you look at a particular goal, decide you still want it but change your timeline to something more realistic. Maybe you look at another goal and realize that it's no longer for you and doesn't define you, doesn't work for you, so you discard it. Maybe you look at other things in life and realize new goals. Most important is never forget to value what you have today, right here, right now. You HAD to work for that too. So don't get so lost in goals and what you did and didn't achieve that you forget to enjoy what you have today. Again.....make sure to get out of your head on a regular basis.

[Wiseman2]

It's an accomplishment to handle life's disappoints well. The successes are easy.

[Batya33]

The thing about goals and struggling with being disappointed that you haven't achieved certain things or that your life isn't turning out how you planned it would is what every person struggles with at some point in life. It's normal. That said, it's important to understand that you define you. These are your goals, your timelines and you are the only person placing certain value on those things....which means you can change ALL of it. Life after all is all about change and adapting to change. Maybe you look at a particular goal, decide you still want it but change your timeline to something more realistic. Maybe you look at another goal and realize that it's no longer for you and doesn't define you, doesn't work for you, so you discard it. Maybe you look at other things in life and realize new goals. Most important is never forget to value what you have today, right here, right now. You HAD to work for that too. So don't get so lost in goals and what you did and didn't achieve that you forget to enjoy what you have today. Again.....make sure to get out of your head on a regular basis.

 

Yes, I agree. I never thought of it in terms of self-esteem. I knew from early on what career I wanted and I knew I wanted marriage and family to the right person. I delayed pursuing the career, instead pursuing a different career first -which I was passionate about but which was safer/easier. Why? Fear of failure and of not measuring up. Also I wanted to be married and be done having kids the latest by age 34. Instead I got married and was done having my child at age 42 - quite a bit later and not a delay that made me happy or made me feel good. So yes I attained my goals but I took the long way around (reference to the Dixie Chicks song and I think you should listen to it - it's relevant to this discussion and might resonate with you!).

 

Also throw out the expectations. By definition major life goals are not easy to achieve -they might turn out that way of course - but you can't expect them to IMO.

 

I don't think achieving or not achieving personal goals has anything to do with being valuable as a person.

[Jibralta]

I can very much relate to how to your personal accomplishments mean a great deal to you, regardless of what others think. I feel however that despite working very hard I am yet to accomplish anything important to me. I feel like I might never achieve any of the goals I set for myself in life, which I expected to be pretty simple and easy to achieve. A lot of self worth ties in with these goals and that is perhaps why I don’t feel valuable even though I see value in others for the smallest things.

 

I think I should feel self worth even if I never achieve any of my personal goals but I find it hard to imagine I ever could. Are your personal accomplishments large difficult things or also some little things? Do you think your self esteem would be effected if you hadn’t achieved your major goals in life?

 

I think this may be the crux of the problem for you, Thornz. Why haven't you turned your attention to achieving these goals?

[Batya33]

Oh -when I was referring to goals I meant the major life goals. I certainly set smaller goals for myself all the time.

[catfeeder]

“the way I really felt valuable was through my OWN assessments of my own contributions at any given time.

 

Maybe this has trained me to regard my value as separate and distinct from any acknowledgment by others.”

 

This is how I feel about my own worth, that it is distinct from outside feedback and although I feel valued by others, some in particular who frequently tell me how much I mean to them and what value they perceive in me, I don’t feel it because I don’t see those things as important.

 

That's the thing. There's a difference between what we DO versus how we make people FEEL. We're only in charge of our intentions and behaviors--not the ways in which we are interpreted. What we think of as 'nothing' can mean a great deal to someone else.

 

That's the distinction between deciding our own value versus predicating that decision on feedback from others. Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. If we wait until we 'feel' valuable before recognizing our own value, then we're waiting for an emotional response BEFORE that recognition can occur.

 

So work backwards. It's a decision. That sets your intention. Everything and everyone responds to how you operate from there. Over time you will learn the subtle side of 'feeling' valuable, regardless of feedback, because honoring privacy means that we don't always get to know our impacts on others. You will start to 'feel' little "Ahh-Haa's," because you will Pay Attention to the most subtle interactions at play. You will respond to your environment and the people in it differently because you're operating from awareness, and the energies you generate will be felt by All.

 

I love your take on feeling a subtle value in everything you do because your waking thoughts are to spread positive energy and be lovely.

 

I might try that tomorrow morning, take a deep breath on waking and endeavour to be positive and share that positive feeling with others and contribute as best I can, conscientiously.

 

Great! The key word is 'subtle,' so this isn't about running around doing rah-rah's to cheer people up. That would mean you're not effective whenever you're not up for that--and it misses the point. By subtle, you're willing to adopt some invisibility and observe yourself throughout your day. This will make the space to notice some of the less dynamic people you've often overlooked before. You'll become sensitive to others in ways that honor their needs for privacy as much as for recognition.

 

We each hold unique value. Some of us opt to tune into it, and this amplifies appreciation for the small stuff that we never would have regarded as important before. We become thoughtful and empathetic, and we can 'see' the layers of our value beyond the big stuff into the micro--the little ways that we can reflect the value of others to help them see and appreciate it for themselves.

 

An ability to appreciate the small stuff is a skill, and it can be learned, and it will serve you in a multitude of ways every single day--regardless of your larger goals. I believe that this awareness actually enables us to reach the bigger stuff even while we can better enjoy our value until we get 'there'.