Divorce Scare

Hello,

 

Me and my wife have been married for 4 years, the past couple of years since my daughter was born we haven’t had much of a relationship and I have been wrapped up in depression and not putting much effort or feeling like a want to put effort in to anything (not just the marriage). Anyhow my wife finally had enough and she started texting a guy she is working with as she was trying to get something from him that she wasn’t getting from me, attention, care, affection etc. Since I found this out she has said she is not sure if she wants to stay with me but it willing to give it a try. This has been a real wake up call for me and I am now putting loads of effort in to the relationship and my life (and I feel 10 times better for doing so) as I don’t want to lose her, however I’m just not getting much back from her she’s very hot and cold, doesn’t want to chat to me much by text whilst we are at work and I really don’t know where I stand. I just don’t know how to play it, I don’t want it to look like I am desperate but equally I don’t want to look like I don’t care anymore. Any help/advice appreciated.

Marriage counseling is a must to try to repair this. Is she still texting this guy?

Have you sought therapy for the depression?

I echo the questions before me.

For the best outcome I think you will both need professional help to navigate this.

Well....OP....you are doing what so many men do - trying to bolt the barn door after the horse has left. Did you not hear her pleas for help for the past two years? Or did you think that she'll just pull the whole cart and put up with your sh$t forever?

 

You were a lousy husband for quite some time. Are you addressing your issues with depression? Have you seen a doctor and/or a therapist about it or are you just riding on the adrenaline of this near ending of your marriage? If you aren't seeking professional help for your issues, then quite frankly, it's hard for your wife to believe your sudden attempts to be a good husband. For her, this probably feels like a temporary sham. Sure she wants to believe you, but.....

 

Also, rather than suddenly throwing everything and the kitchen sink to fix this problem, you really need to sit down and talk and actually find out what she needs from you. At the same time, she attempted to cheat - so there is that conversation as well. You didn't make her cheat and it's not an acceptable way to deal with her marriage problems with you. So yes, she needs to own her wrongdoing too and absolutely cut off whatever clown she was texting. You both have some things to prove to each other. She needs to prove trustworthiness, you need to prove that you'll get your act together and be present in your life and your marriage. This isn't a matter of harassing her at work with your texts and getting upset if she doesn't respond. She can lose her job if she is just texting around all the time. Your approach is really rather immature.

She sounds like a child craving attention. I'd personally ditch her.

Yup, DancingFool is correct. Two years of ignoring your wife, and now that you found out she's having an emotional relationship, you suddenly think you can pay attention to her now and she's suppose to just fall into your arms and ask your forgiveness. You have to prove yourself and win her trust back, and it's not just like flicking a light switch. You should do the full treatment: see a doctor about your depression and go to a marriage counselor to see if you can work things out. And you should do it for the sake of your child.

 

Oh, and by the way, your wife shouldn't texting much from work anyways. That's stealing from the company.

the past couple of years since my daughter was born we haven’t had much of a relationship

Why is that? Before I take a frying pan to your head, I'd like to know about why your relationship changed after your daughter came into the picture.

I'd also like to know if your wife talked to you about your apathy and depression or was she too wrapped up in being a mother to notice that she was no longer being a wife.

 

In other words, Can you give us some idea about how your wife and her contribution to the decline in your relationship .... Explain to us why instead of leaving you if she was so unhappy, she decided to let down romantic relationship boundaries which has led to what very well may be an emotional affair.

 

Also... are you getting medical help for your depression? If not, why not?

You were both wrong.You stopped making efforts for you wife. You don't do that. You keep the spark alive, even if it's a 30+ year marriage.

She on the other hand, had no business running to another man when times got tough.

 

You have decided to now appreciate your wife and make efforts, but has she made the choice to see her wrong doings and stay away from other men and focus on repairing your marriage?

 

It won't work unless you both 100% commit to changing things and keeping your promises to not continue doing what you did to mess this all up.

 

Marriage counselling is a must at this point.

Thanks for the replies. Having had another week to think things over I do feel that my initial reaction was knee jerk and to panic and try and rescue everything, but it’s not that simple. A big hurdle I have at the moment is knowing how to talk about my feelings, I was brought up not to talk about them at all and now it feels normal not to speak of emotions, I really need to sort this out relationship at the moment is very functional with little affection and no sex. Any advice on that aspect would be welcomed.

Have you considered personal counselling?

 

On the other hand, personal counselling might not be necessary if you can find a way to voice your feelings, wants/needs, etc. It can be tough if you've been taught to not do so, but it's not impossible.

You literally sit down and take it step by step and open up to your wife. Express what you've been keeping inside, even if it's hard for you.

Yeah I am having counselling at the moment. It seems like talking about emotions etc is like fitness the more you do it or exercise the easier it becomes! I just really struggle to find those feelings and label them and start a discussion/conversation about them

You'll get there, don't give up. It will take time but it is something that can be completely reversible. It's a type of skill that can be taught.

 

Maybe you could start by telling your wife you're doing what you can to be closer to her and communicate better and see if she will do the same to better your marriage.