I need to share this.

I’ve been here since who knows how long and the more I mature the more I understand that none of the posts apply to my situation. The responses from the people helping may not be wrong to a particular situation but they may not always be right as no one can predict the future. Chances are they’re right, in the moment, for those who don’t realize their real problem (not the mistakes they made, but why they made their mistakes). They all happened to be right in the moment for me, but my recent situation brings me back to one, 6 years back, where I just got a temporary solution to my heart break, but not a real solution to prevent it from happening again. That was on me as I now realize.

For a couple to reconcile, it has to be natural. Essentially, they would have to cross paths as practically strangers that grew from their experiences with each other, as well as any other experiences they have faced in between, and even before they met. When I say grew I don’t mean, in terms of, they quit gambling because someone else didn’t like it, but because they realized why THEY gambled, why it affected THEM in a negative way, and why THEY should stop. (I’m not a gambler, it’s just an example.)

Until that point there should be no contact by happenstance, or initiated by either party. Any form of contact before then would be to fill a void and to distract the gambler to forget to learn their lesson. Eventually it lead to the same issues that caused the people to split.

Now, after the gambler stops gambling, for no other reason but their own good, there may be an chance for reconciliation, but there is also a chance for a beginning with someone new.

Is it safe to assume that if the old love has not reached out, there is no reason to reach out to them?

Backstory

We met on a dating site and live an hour apart, and we have no mutual friends. I can do that again with someone new, except I have to deal with my “gambling” first. I’ll be ok either way but I would love to increase my chances of meeting her again when I’m ready, as friends or as potential lovers. This girl really changed my whole perception of life and I hate thinking that I will never get to at the very least, thank her.

I’m not blocked, didn’t beg, didn’t do any of that. No toxicity, arguments, and no second chances. (The first significant one gave me a second chance. She probably should have followed most of the advice on here, if were being honest.)

Before, Id give in to clinging on for hope or looking for similar stories, but now I’m clinging on to change because I realized there is a pattern since my childhood, which I was following with good intentions, that really lead me much further away from my true desires.

I know I can thank her by not bothering her and letting her live her life (I bet someone will quote this and turn it bold) and I agree.

To love someone to me, means to help them pursue their growth using their own free will, and she saw that the struggle between her growth and her desire to be with me would cause her to get frustrated and she left.

Truth is, our goals for growth are the same I just need to work on my path.

There is also this possibility that she will have obstacles to face that she was not aware of, much like what I’m doing now.

So now, I realize I really love her which brings me between a rock and a hard place and leaves me scared that she’ll never know how much she has affected me. She said “I love you” to me once first, but stopped mid sentence. She is more mature than me and i realize the girl from 6 years ago was more mature than me then.

This isn’t just a break up, it’s the biggest wake up call I’ve ever had in my life. Everything I thought I knew, is irrelevant. I think it’s one of those that most never have. I’ve sent out an email to my parents family and close friends that I cried while typing. I told one of my close friends I loved him in person. If you asked me to do that when I was 27 and I’d avoid you for 3 years.

Anyway.

I get at a low point at night and I need to share my feelings with people more. Part of my “gambling” problem which I’m working on.

Is there really no other way for us to ever cross paths?

Deleted.....

6 years is a long time. Things that are suggested to people a few months, or a year out of a break up are not really apt.

Maybe it's long enough that you're past all the 'who dumped who' considerations and such like.

How long since your most recent relationship? Factor that in. Are you fully over that?

Do you know if she is in a relationship? If she was, personally I'd let it be and not contact her.

But if you are both single ...

Are you ready for her to ignore your communication? To say "no thanks" - you risk being hurt again, but risk is a part of life.

If you think you can handle the possible (even likely) rejection give it a shot.

Maybe just write that thank you note for what she taught you. If she is curious she might reply, and just take it from there.

For all we know, she might think back on things and wonder 'what if' as well.

Good luck.

@ Morello, I thought the OP was talking about the Ex from 6 years ago?

But yes, OP if your more recent breakup is still fresh, don't go there yet.

Seems so! Then my advice (about the recent break up) was out of place.

I think it's great that you realised what your mistakes were and why you made them. It's a great first step, but knowing those things doesn't necessarily lead to change. I mean substantial change, not an effort to do things differently for a few weeks and months just to fall into the same behaviour again later on.

 

As you already know, most of our behaviours are a product of a number of things from our life histories. How we were raised, our childhood traumas, our successes and failures. There is also a substantial genetic component in determining how we behave, whether we're more or less extroverted, confident, social and 'happy'. How we are more avoidant or more attached. Those things are basically built in us through a lifetime and are difficult to change. Genetics is impossible to change.

 

I'm not saying you can't change, because you can. And you are taking the first steps. But man, these changes will need months (usually years) to take place. It needs repetition. You need to slowly 'reprogram' your brain towards different habits, a new mindset, etc.

 

To be honest, I'd put my money that if you reconciled with your ex, at some point you'd likely showcase similar behaviour to the one that made your ex break up with you in the first place. This is a recurrent story here. Whether it applies to you or not, I don't know. You seem convinced you 'saw the light'. Again, seeing the light is just a first step.

 

Your break up is very recent. Right now, your ex is not emotionally attached to you anymore. Women's emotions are not impacted by reasoning. There's not enough reasoning or explaining you could do to your ex that would make her start having feelings for you again, if she ever truly did, given it was a short relationship. These things happen almost at a subconscious level. The more explaining you try to do, the less attractive you become in her eyes. You seem to think that if you let her know how much of an impact she had on your life, that she'd suddenly want you back. I think that's highly unlikely (although she'd probably like to hear that).

 

There's a reason why most attempts to reconcile after a break up don't work, unless years have passed to allow for true change to happen. Even with time, true change is quite rare too. I think we all have some repeating pattern when it comes to relationships. We can become more confident, more social, more open, etc, but it's extremely hard to change our patterns. Avoidants will most likely continue to avoid. Anxious ones will most likely continue to obsess over things and overanalyse. But of course, there are many things we change to actively do things differently.

 

My suggestion to you is that you should not put many (if any) eggs in the reconciliation basket and maybe try to find a more compatible pattern once you have worked on yourself and properly healed.

I agree with everything you’ve said. To the T. The only part I disagree with is you’re assumption that I am try to “change.” That implies that people change which I don’t think they really ever do.

I may have not articulated my self well enough on here but I want a family. My “gambling” was my inability to open up. My failure was money and the reason I needed more money was to buy the Rolexes and BMWs to attract women so I could build a family. In the mean time I would never let anyone close to me, be it friends, family, or the two girlfriends that liked me for my personality and not my cars or my watches. I’d work to pay for them off so how could I blame myself. I had bills. I didn’t have time to share my personality. I was afraid it wasn’t enough.

And they left.

So while you words ring true to some people, I don’t need to change. I need to change my path. It’s easy for me not to buy a Rolex. It’s hard for me to mess it up with another person that wants what I want.

Thank you. It means more than you know that you read it and took time to respond.

Seems so! Then my advice (about the recent break up) was out of place.

None of that was out of place. They tie in to both women. I made the same mistakes through out that period of time. First one I took the temporary approach to and the second one it hit me. I’ve had, what I thought were relationships, in between. It was needed because it was sincere. Thank you. 6 years ago or the most recent, your advice applies.

6 years is a long time. Things that are suggested to people a few months, or a year out of a break up are not really apt.

 

Maybe it's long enough that you're past all the 'who dumped who' considerations and such like.

 

How long since your most recent relationship? Factor that in. Are you fully over that?

 

Do you know if she is in a relationship? If she was, personally I'd let it be and not contact her.

 

But if you are both single ...

 

Are you ready for her to ignore your communication? To say "no thanks" - you risk being hurt again, but risk is a part of life.

 

If you think you can handle the possible (even likely) rejection give it a shot.

 

Maybe just write that thank you note for what she taught you. If she is curious she might reply, and just take it from there.

 

For all we know, she might think back on things and wonder 'what if' as well.

 

Good luck.

I’m not ready. It was recent. Three weeks ago to the day. But because of the first significant one it feels like 6 years.

That’s why I’m here first. I needed to share this because I hope that no one in the getting back together sub thinks that the ex never learns their mistakes. I know I have.

Hmm. I think your recent breakup has re-triggered your thoughts of your previous ex. I would say from your previous posts that you are a classic narcissist, and you need to work on taking into account other people's needs and feelings. I think you need to take to heart what you have learned about yourself and move on. Also it's easier to start a new relationship than to try to convince an ex that you've changed. Most of the time that ship has sailed. And you start with a clean slate when you start a new relationship.

Listen to DanZee.

It sounds like this recent breakup is triggering the past wounds because you saw this relationship, in part, as validation that you had changed and grown from the last one. Now that it’s ended, you’re in the spins, seeing yourself differently, not loving what you’re seeing. And you’re in warp speed “change mode,” wanting that change validated by your ex.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but your posts are very ego driven. You are the leading man in the tragic narrative of your life. You are taking something that just sucks—getting left—and making it a glamorous epic. You already see the end of this tale, which is “crossing paths” in some field or city, at which point your ex sees you, sees the man you’ve become, and your reconnect without the cars and watches but only the purest love the world has ever known. In your ideal timeline that would happen tomorrow.

Your ex, both of them, hardly come through as people. They are secondary characters in your narrative, mirrors to your best self in good times, your worst now. They are, in your telling, vesssels for self-growth more than women on their own unique journey that you were lucky to share for a time. I have no idea what makes them special except that they cared about you, made you feel good, and, in leaving you, made you feel bad. I may be going out on a limb, but I’d challenge yourself to consider that the main issue wasn’t just the parts of yourself you that you kept hidden, but the parts of them (feelings, needs, hopes) that they felt were not seen and heard.

We can only see another as clearly as we’re willing to see ourselves. Sounds like you’ve got some blinders coming down. Great. Let that light in. And the pain too. Not the glamorous pain, but the pain that humbles. Get smaller.

Agree. Fantastic description. Interestingly one of the essential diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder is "A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love"

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but your posts are very ego driven. You are the leading man in the tragic narrative of your life. You are taking something that just sucks—getting left—and making it a glamorous epic. You already see the end of this tale, which is “crossing paths” in some field or city, at which point your ex sees you, sees the man you’ve become, and your reconnect without the cars and watches but only the purest love the world has ever known. In your ideal timeline that would happen tomorrow.

Hmm. I think your recent breakup has re-triggered your thoughts of your previous ex. I would say from your previous posts that you are a classic narcissist, and you need to work on taking into account other people's needs and feelings. I think you need to take to heart what you have learned about yourself and move on. Also it's easier to start a new relationship than to try to convince an ex that you've changed. Most of the time that ship has sailed. And you start with a clean slate when you start a new relationship.

I’ve looked up narcissism but I can’t see it in me. I’m wondering how you got that.

Listen to DanZee.

 

It sounds like this recent breakup is triggering the past wounds because you saw this relationship, in part, as validation that you had changed and grown from the last one. Now that it’s ended, you’re in the spins, seeing yourself differently, not loving what you’re seeing. And you’re in warp speed “change mode,” wanting that change validated by your ex.

 

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but your posts are very ego driven. You are the leading man in the tragic narrative of your life. You are taking something that just sucks—getting left—and making it a glamorous epic. You already see the end of this tale, which is “crossing paths” in some field or city, at which point your ex sees you, sees the man you’ve become, and your reconnect without the cars and watches but only the purest love the world has ever known. In your ideal timeline that would happen tomorrow.

 

Your ex, both of them, hardly come through as people. They are secondary characters in your narrative, mirrors to your best self in good times, your worst now. They are, in your telling, vesssels for self-growth more than women on their own unique journey that you were lucky to share for a time. I have no idea what makes them special except that they cared about you, made you feel good, and, in leaving you, made you feel bad. I may be going out on a limb, but I’d challenge yourself to consider that the main issue wasn’t just the parts of yourself you that you kept hidden, but the parts of them (feelings, needs, hopes) that they felt were not seen and heard.

 

We can only see another as clearly as we’re willing to see ourselves. Sounds like you’ve got some blinders coming down. Great. Let that light in. And the pain too. Not the glamorous pain, but the pain that humbles. Get smaller.

These relationships are years apart, with some in between. I’m not sure how I want it validated by my ex. I was really hoping no one would cling on to that idea. If you’re asking me whether I want her to see it, sure of course I do, but not for my sake. And not if she doesn’t want to.

This relationship ended the best way possible. It seems like if we talked about it, it would’ve never ended that’s how great it was. But at the same time I wouldn’t have been here trying to learn and it ultimately would’ve ended.

I never ever ever made anyone feel small. I drove a nice car but I would never tell anyone about it. Also, the car was a great excuse for me to spend time at work because my payments were high, and at work I knew what I was doing, yet I was still quiet and thinking about hanging out with my friends.

I’m just not quite sure that I’m a narcissist. I’m not offended but I’m not getting that. I think I was just looking for validation in the wrong places because I didn’t think I’d ever get what I want.

Did driving a BMW make me feel good about myself? Sure but it wasn’t enough so I bought another car. I could afford it I would just have to miss family interactions because I would have to work.

Talked to my therapist today. I came to the conclusion that I did have narcissistic tendencies but the person that it affected most was myself which is why I would find myself at work instead of establishing human connections.

Listen to DanZee.

 

It sounds like this recent breakup is triggering the past wounds because you saw this relationship, in part, as validation that you had changed and grown from the last one. Now that it’s ended, you’re in the spins, seeing yourself differently, not loving what you’re seeing. And you’re in warp speed “change mode,” wanting that change validated by your ex.

 

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but your posts are very ego driven. You are the leading man in the tragic narrative of your life. You are taking something that just sucks—getting left—and making it a glamorous epic. You already see the end of this tale, which is “crossing paths” in some field or city, at which point your ex sees you, sees the man you’ve become, and your reconnect without the cars and watches but only the purest love the world has ever known. In your ideal timeline that would happen tomorrow.

 

Your ex, both of them, hardly come through as people. They are secondary characters in your narrative, mirrors to your best self in good times, your worst now. They are, in your telling, vesssels for self-growth more than women on their own unique journey that you were lucky to share for a time. I have no idea what makes them special except that they cared about you, made you feel good, and, in leaving you, made you feel bad. I may be going out on a limb, but I’d challenge yourself to consider that the main issue wasn’t just the parts of yourself you that you kept hidden, but the parts of them (feelings, needs, hopes) that they felt were not seen and heard.

 

We can only see another as clearly as we’re willing to see ourselves. Sounds like you’ve got some blinders coming down. Great. Let that light in. And the pain too. Not the glamorous pain, but the pain that humbles. Get smaller.

You’re right. I didn’t see or hear their needs. It’s not about the watches and motorcycles, getting rid of them is not to prove to anyone that I don’t need those things. I’ve quit smoking after a break up hoping she would come around and see my “change.” I started smoking 3 months later so it seems like some people see my posts as another silly change that won’t last. And I admit that’s what scares me too sometimes. That’s why I’m reluctant to cross paths tomorrow or ever. I’m not ready.

This recent girl has never been on a motorcycle until she met me and she loved it. She was scared but trusted me and ended up enjoying it. I’m not getting rid of it because it would prove a point to her or myself.

I will buy another motorcycle but I want to buy it with my partner who likes to ride. To feel the joy of someone doing what we both share in common will bring me joy. I never had that. I brought myself joy but never that kind of joy. And I wouldn’t rub it in telling people I’m great, I’d tell myself I’m great and then buy something else to reinforce it, and I’d have to work it off spending time away from figuring out how to achieve my true desires.

In the mean time, while I don’t have a partner, getting rid of the material things will lower my monthly payments which in turn will give me more free time to go out and establish real human connection that for some reason or another I felt wasn’t in the books for me.

To be available to hear and listen to other people’s needs instead of thinking of my own. Whatever occurrence that is responsible for that thinking (I cant pinpoint a specific trauma) is exactly why I turned to isolating myself in time away from establishing those relationships.

I hope that makes sense.

The problem is this girl didn’t know all this. I didn’t know all this. She enjoyed the time we spent together. She saw my lavish lifestyle and enjoyed parts if not most of it but what she didn’t enjoy was the fact that I barely spent time with her. That if we were to get married, I’d buy a pool, instead of raising a college fund for our children. Then disappear to work it off. Or not share a sit down dinner with her because I was nervous about sitting across the table from someone that genuinely liked me for me.

At my rate I’d die in debt with a nicer house than my neighbor, but never being able to really share it with anyone and I’ve always felt, for me, that’s the most important part of life. I was just pursuing it the wrong way.

You emotionally abandoned her first, so she had no choice but to let you have your way and let you go. Your obsession with superficial materialism may attract some gold diggers, but it won't bring you love or happiness.

she didn’t enjoy was the fact that I barely spent time with her.

You emotionally abandoned her first, so she had no choice but to let you have your way and let you go. Your obsession with superficial materialism may attract some gold diggers, but it won't bring you love or happiness.

Yes. Couldn’t agree more. And while I attracted a few women, there are only two that really stand out now. Neither of them cared about what I drove.

So now I’m digging deeper.

Example.

Why did I think that driving a nice car will get me to meet someone that can grow together with me? I know being in debt is bad. Always knew that. So why did I keep going? I knew I could pay for it but what was I sacrificing in return?

The answer is time.

Now the next question would be, if I yearn for time together, why do I sacrifice it?

That answer isn’t money. It’s fear.

Good.

You're having something of an awakening, the early whispers. You're realizing something very simple that a lot of people with gigantic egos take a long time to realize, which is that other people are just as valuable as you. Just as unique and complicated. Just as interested in being seen and understood and loved.

Stay on this path. You're in the infancy stage, and I say that with compassion. I've long been a bit of a closed book, with a big old fragile ego tugging me left and right through life. Took a long time to own that, to pinpoint the trauma points. Took a long time to own that ego, because no one with a giant ego likes to admit they have a giant ego. Took a long time for me to understand that my own pretty baller life, complete with some motorcycles, was not quite enough to access the level of depth, especially romantically, that I desired. Still haven't found that. That's the forever search, even once you have a partner. That's where humility comes in. Humility is the door.

What you are doing now—this dramatic shedding of possessions—is the same thing as quitting smoking. It's partly for you, partly for someone else, partly to win instead of accepting where you've lost. It's a means of still trying to control things, to stave off the full weight of the pain you're in. OWN THAT. That's being humble, step one. That's being vulnerable. Own that you are a hot mess right now, more lost than found, less wise than you thought you were a month ago, wrestling with an inflated sense of yourself, wrestling with a sense that your issues are more profound than others, and flailing about for some answers. You are fidgeting because sitting still SUCKS. You are not special. You are a confused human being.

Welcome to the club! It's a pretty chill place when you can start laughing at yourself.

Stay there, stay humble, stay in the club. That's where it starts to stick, when it really becomes a thing you're doing just for you. It's not three therapy sessions in the wake of heartbreak. It's 100s of therapy sessions in the wake of nothing. It's not getting rid of a motorcycle until you can share it with someone. It has nothing to do with motorcycles, and that narrative, sweet as it sounds to your ears, is also ego speaking. It's a noble story about the future that makes the present more bearable. Own that too. Doesn't mean you can't keep telling it—just own what you're doing so it's not so mysterious. We all want to feel better.

You are allowed all the joy you want. Now, tomorrow, later on with someone or not. Don't make it dependent on someone else, and don't think you need to become a monk to punish yourself for your excesses in order to seek salvation in another. Because THAT is ego, too, you see?

Good.

 

You're having something of an awakening, the early whispers. You're realizing something very simple that a lot of people with gigantic egos take a long time to realize, which is that other people are just as valuable as you. Just as unique and complicated. Just as interested in being seen and understood and loved.

 

Stay on this path. You're in the infancy stage, and I say that with compassion. I've long been a bit of a closed book, with a big old fragile ego tugging me left and right through life. Took a long time to own that, to pinpoint the trauma points. Took a long time to own that ego, because no one with a giant ego likes to admit they have a giant ego. Took a long time for me to understand that my own pretty baller life, complete with some motorcycles, was not quite enough to access the level of depth, especially romantically, that I desired. Still haven't found that. That's the forever search, even once you have a partner. That's where humility comes in. Humility is the door.

 

What you are doing now—this dramatic shedding of possessions—is the same thing as quitting smoking. It's partly for you, partly for someone else, partly to win instead of accepting where you've lost. It's a means of still trying to control things, to stave off the full weight of the pain you're in. OWN THAT. That's being humble, step one. That's being vulnerable. Own that you are a hot mess right now, more lost than found, less wise than you thought you were a month ago, wrestling with an inflated sense of yourself, wrestling with a sense that your issues are more profound than others, and flailing about for some answers. You are fidgeting because sitting still SUCKS. You are not special. You are a confused human being.

 

Welcome to the club! It's a pretty chill place when you can start laughing at yourself.

 

Stay there, stay humble, stay in the club. That's where it starts to stick, when it really becomes a thing you're doing just for you. It's not three therapy sessions in the wake of heartbreak. It's 100s of therapy sessions in the wake of nothing. It's not getting rid of a motorcycle until you can share it with someone. It has nothing to do with motorcycles, and that narrative, sweet as it sounds to your ears, is also ego speaking. It's a noble story about the future that makes the present more bearable. Own that too. Doesn't mean you can't keep telling it—just own what you're doing so it's not so mysterious. We all want to feel better.

 

You are allowed all the joy you want. Now, tomorrow, later on with someone or not. Don't make it dependent on someone else, and don't think you need to become a monk to punish yourself for your excesses in order to seek salvation in another. Because THAT is ego, too, you see?

Thank you. It’s funny you say the therapy session part. I have been fiddling with this in my head every day. I think I came to a better understanding of myself without the therapy sessions. She didn’t sit me down and tell me I’m this way or that way. I pictured Robin Williams when I thought of a therapist. The heart to hearts, the thoughts that they’d leave me with. First session, she gave me a breathing exercise which I thought was a little silly (ego). I was going to make this my last one. I didn’t. I’ll stick around and see where it goes.

I know getting rid of my possessions is a way to stay in control. Physically though, I’d feel trapped somewhere where I can’t focus on this or anything else, because I need to pay the bills. I’d be alone. I wouldn’t have reached out for help, talked to a therapist, read what you wrote. I would’ve been working.

I don’t want to lose control. Last time I lost control I ended up with expensive hobbies and an ego. But I also don’t want to end up homeless and with debt.

You can say I’m trying to make an emergency landing, instead of crashing.

Yeah, great. You're doing well.

Here's the key though: you don't have control. Not now, not ever, not in matters of the heart that involve the forever-mysterious variable of another. Motorcycle metaphor: you can control the machine, and that thrill provides the illusion of control, but you can't control the bus that runs through intersection and kills you. And any rider who does not accept that—like any lover that does not accept that he/she might be left—is not fully living in reality.

Therapy helps manage that lack of control, largely by helping us to accept it. There is a place between stimulus (being left) and response (quitting smoking, shedding possessions, writing love songs, whatever) and in that space there is choice. The more we can sit in THAT space, the freer we are, you dig? It's a sibling to the space that allows us to remember the value of others, no matter what is going on in our own heads and lives.

Yeah, great. You're doing well.

 

Here's the key though: you don't have control. Not now, not ever, not in matters of the heart that involve the forever-mysterious variable of another. Motorcycle metaphor: you can control the machine, and that thrill provides the illusion of control, but you can't control the bus that runs through intersection and kills you. And any rider who does not accept that—like any lover that does not accept that he/she might be left—is not fully living in reality.

 

Therapy helps manage that lack of control, largely by helping us to accept it. There is a place between stimulus (being left) and response (quitting smoking, shedding possessions, writing love songs, whatever) and in that space there is choice. The more we can sit in THAT space, the freer we are, you dig? It's a sibling to the space that allows us to remember the value of others, no matter what is going on in our own heads and lives.

So what you’re saying is- I shouldn’t reach out to my ex?

That’s just a little humor there. I totally understand what you’re saying.

It’s going to be an interesting ride.

So what you’re saying is- I shouldn’t reach out to my ex?

That’s just a little humor there. I totally understand what you’re saying.

It’s going to be an interesting ride.

And that, my friend, is your best post yet. Keep laughing at yourself. That's the practice.

Why did I think that driving a nice car will get me to meet someone that can grow together with me? I know being in debt is bad. Always knew that. So why did I keep going? I knew I could pay for it but what was I sacrificing in return?

The answer is time.

Now the next question would be, if I yearn for time together, why do I sacrifice it?

That answer isn’t money. It’s fear.

Good insight.

And that, my friend, is your best post yet. Keep laughing at yourself. That's the practice.

I’ve reread what you’ve written a number of times. I’ve also read post you’ve started. I’ve always thought that I can never give good advice on here or hear good advice because I never spent any time on here when I was in a contempt state so I imagined others didn’t as well. I’ve tried to offer mine and I don’t know who read what and what parts sank in and which didn’t. I didn’t even think to care because I was in either a contempt state (away from here), single or not, or I was too worried about my own lack of contempt and tried to find answers to make myself feel better. Say things that made myself feel better (ego).

I think you have reinforced my belief (that I often forget unconsciously) that no one is perfect. While I’m not a hateful person, I always had to talk myself out of getting angry. If someone cut me off on the highway I’d get mad. Then at one point I realized that if I imagine that person cutting me off, as a funny companionate person I’d get along with, I’d calm myself down. Humility, like you said. I had to look up the definition since “I’m a foreigner.”

I just want to say thank you. I don’t know if my words ever impacted anyone on here, or anywhere for that matter, but your words impacted me.