Terrified of my reality

The reality is that I was in a terrible abusive toxic relationship for 2 years. It wasn’t consistently abusive and I’ve been in healthy relationships so I know the difference between the 2. I love this man. I see the good in him. He dumped me. Can’t say it was out of the blue, because, again, it was toxic relationship.

My issue now. I cant eat, sleep, work focus or barely care for myself. I fear that I’m destroyed and at the age of 47 have nothing left in me to get through this. I really truly want to die. But Ihave 3 kids. So I’m trapped in this hell of a life. Any advice on how to get through?

I feel as though there is only one person that can provide me the relief that I need, yet he is the source of my pain.

Magic words of wisdom appreciated. I dont even want happiness at this point. All i want is relief

I definitely feel your pain. I also allowed myself to be treated like trash yet I still wanted to be with him. It helped me to think about how forgiving and kind I was but that I had to move on. Just think about the guilt he will feel at some point- it's inevitable.

Gather up the love you have and focus on yourself. Go on casual, fun dates. I go on a lot of walks with my dog. Sometimes I have to literally force myself to leave the house, but once I do I feel so much better.

Also, I always allowed myself to break down. It feels terrible during but after, it's like a calm after a storm. Healing is not linear. There will be good and bad days Don't think you have to be anything other than who you are. I remind myself how amazing my type of love I have to offer is. I like the way I am, even if others don't understand. I remind myself the love I have can't be wasted on someone ungrateful.

My thoughts are with you

Thank you. The range of emotions I feel are just so overwhelming right now. Sad, angry, bitter, lonely, scared, pathetic...

I am just reaching and grasping to find a positive one. I really don’t think I have it in me, which leaves me with the most pervasive feeling - terrified. Terrified that I wont make it... and I pass on my issues to my 3 children.

I will keep looking for the key to self love and acceptance but it is truly foreign and i am doubtful that it exists anywhere in me.

Of course it exists and yes, it will come with time. Look a huge part of toxic abusive relationships is that they do leave you feeling exactly like you are feeling - alone, afraid, terrified even because your abuser has been planting this in your mind for a long long time, that you just can't do without him. BUT.....you know you were living and fine before you met him. Remember that. You were happy, you had a life, you have your kids. You were fine before you met him and you will definitely be better than fine going forward. You just have to trust that and every day, remember to be kind to yourself. Take a notebook and every single day, write down one good thing about yourself or your life. It may be hard at first, but....after awhile your brain will get retrained to focus on the good and start believing in itself again. Every time you feel down, desperate, read that list and again, be kind to yourself because bad days will happen and it's OK. With time, there will just be fewer and fewer of them.

Have you sought therapy?

Sorry to hear this. You seem to have a lot of insight, so therapy would help you tremendously to recover from it all. Read up on "trauma bonding", "cycle of violence" and "abusive relationships". Google those topics and read up may may you feel less like you are alone or losing your mind.

Are any of your children his? Of course delete and block him and all his people from all contact lists, social media and messaging platforms. Also change all your passwords. Where do you live now? Are you working or taking care of kids full time? You need to get a restraining order for wherever you are staying to protect your kids and for your workplace to protect you and any coworkers. Confide in friends and family and request that they block him and not give out info about you.

Reconnect with your life from 2 yrs ago. Reconnect with family and friends. Join groups or clubs for single mothers and any other interest you have. Get a complete physical and a referral to a therapist. Get your health in order for your kids. Get fit, take classes, etc. Invest in yourself and your kids instead of pathological attachments (trauma bonding) and get therapy for the gaslighting and cognitive dissonance.

I was in a terrible abusive toxic relationship for 2 years.He dumped me. Ihave 3 kids

Thanks. I’ve been struggling with trying to hold on to this relationship for quite some time. We’ve cycled through and done this dance several times. It truly is over and I although I have changed my number, he is the one that ended it. I don’t have any reason to believe based on the circumstances that I need to be fearful of contact. He would not risk any legal entanglements what so ever.

I have begun therapy complemented with SSRI’s and anti anxiety mess. Not long enough to be therapeutic however. I just want to feel better. Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond. It’s very helpful

The greatest therapy is making yourself go out and do things you enjoyed before you met him. Also, exercise in any form, walking in the park, jogging, hitting the gym produces chemicals in your brain that make you feel good. You may feel down and low and not feel like heading out and doing it, so the biggest hump you have to conquer is literally getting dressed and dragging yourself out. The more you do it consistently, the easier it gets and the shot of feel good you get from each outing starts to add up. In the end it will do more for you, your health and well being than any meds ever could.

Sorry for your pain.

Toxic relationships are the worst in that they completely rewire us to be dependent on the validation of someone who is not dependable. Speaking for myself, being 10 months out of one, I think one of the reasons we stay in them is less out of love than having to accept just how toxic a situation we got ourselves into. The questions all that raises are almost harder, in ways, than the draining day-to-day micro dramas of the relationship.

And yet there are gems in those questions. Self-love, self-worth, self-respect—it's all there, ready to be dusted off and reclaimed. And you're already doing that just by reaching out here for help. That's you being miserable, sure, but it's also you loving yourself, and your children. A big step, so give yourself hug. Like, really: do it. It might feel silly, but there are worse things than hugging yourself because a random person on the internet said so.

Remember that you were fine before this guy. He is not your heart, not your mind, not your lungs. You core is inside of you, and the pain you're feeling now is the first step toward healing and growing. It's the rebuilding of muscles that got atrophied in the relationship. I know it well. Six months ago I was reeling, feeling a lot of what you spoke of, so know that you're not alone, not failure, none of that.

Take all the good qualities that kept you in this relationship—love, a capacity for forgiveness, a compassion for others—and savor them by directing them inward.

My heart goes out to you, and to everyone that is in recovery from a toxic relationship, male and female. Im fresh out of a toxic relationship and I understand what you mean by this New reality. There was a time when I couldn't imagine living without my ex; but he wounded me SO deeply- he was the VERY person that reversed this mindset-- the pain became unbearable and so I had to disappear --for a lifetime.

Please understand that your life is NOT over by any means. Your ex deliberately brainwashed you to believe that you are nothing without him, that you cannot live without him, and that you cannot be happy without him, and that nobody else will ever want you. My ex said the same things to me, and for a long time, I believed him. I'm sure other people on this forum can relate, so you are not alone. We are here to support you.

My ex beat my spirit down so low, and my self confidence so low, that ALL I could do was go UP. I honestly couldn't feel any worse or sink ANY lower. And that's when I decided to take my power back. He wasn't hurting or sad like I was-- he was out and about, living his life and I was determined to do the same. I put stick it notes on my bedroom and bathroom mirrors that I see daily, that say, "I am beautiful", "I am intelligent", etc. positive affirmations-- things that he didn't want me to believe about myself. It starts with self love and self care. When you love yourself first, you become a force to be reckoned with!

I get very lonely at times even now but the peace of mind that I have is priceless. He was also my best friend, not just a lover. You may feel like losing him is the end of the world, but he did you a huge favor. For as bad as you feel now, probably feeling abandoned by him as well, you can only Rise from here. You have your children, your friends, your family, strangers on this forum like us who do care about you.

Please don't give up on yourself, or on love, because you have SO much to offer the world, and you are HIS loss. He lost YOUR love, but another man will be happy and grateful to receive it once you heal. You WILL get through this and come out victorious on the other side. We are all survivors. What I've learned is that a man will enter your life for one reason: to build with you or to destroy you. He's either FOR you or against you and there's no in between. It wont take long for him to reveal if hes a destroyer or a builder- we just have to listen to them and observe them carefully over time. This is a lesson that I just learned from my toxic ex.

In the meantime, Just remember to take it one day at a time. Let the tears fall. Crying cleanses the soul, and I cried so many days and nights that I'm all cried out now. It will still take time to recover from the mind games and brainwashing (my ex used my fear of abandonment against me among other fears) Good luck to you.

Thanks. This has been amazingly therapeutic. Weekends are tough, because I end up isolating myself. 2 off my 3 kids are launched and my youngest is 16 and splits his time between his dad and step moms house and with me.

But, anyway... thank you all for the validation. There are those moments i feel i am just not going to make it another moment. Reeling. Your support for a total stranger on the internet is surprisingly comforting. In apprection of you all, I’m off to follow your advice. Going for a run!!

We are all here for you :)